No I have not and will not put up with abuse.

If you have read some of the posts you will know what most people will say including me. I think bullies bully because they can and it makes them feel better. I will NOT be abused. My second husband and I were married just a few months he yelled at me for interrupting his ball game. My immediate response was to get between him and the TV with my hands on my hips, I told him "if you ever yell at me again this marriage is over". He jumped up out of his chair like it was spring loaded and apologized over and over. He said he would never do that again and he didn't except for one time when he was into Alzheimer's. I will not live with anyone who makes me unhappy for any reason, life is to short to waste years on a jerk like that. I will live in a studio apartment if I have to. And if you are living with someone who abuses you in any way and have children, they may think that it is allowed and is normal behavior and patterned their behavior after you and him.

This post was edited by EmmaR on Mon, Dec 9, 13 at 15:37

Great post, EmmaR. Good for you.

Thank you. Somethings are just not acceptable behavior and it should be stopped. That is why I often say in this forum... give him or her an ultimatum and follow through with it. It will just go on and on if you don't. It will show him or her you mean business and it will also let you know if he or she really loves and respects you enough to change.

What a deal this guy has!
He can make you his scapegoat & you make excuses for him & blame somebody else (the therapist) for only 'allowing' you to call it what it is!

'he's picking fights with me as a stress relief'

That's using another person for one's own purposes.

That's abuse.

Minimizing or excusing it legitimizes it, which gives the abuser permission, even encouragement, to keep on using this method of "stress relief".

& abuse never remains at what the victim finds to be a bearable or tolerable level.

It gets worse.

This post was edited by sylviatexas on Tue, Dec 10, 13 at 17:37

This is what I've done, more or less -- stood up and said no more fighting. Of course, it's one of dozens of times and appears to be finally sticking. I'm not entirely convinced that he's not somewhere on the spectrum of autism, because he is somewhat incapable of connecting with the impact of what he says on other people (and not just me). For every great author who can get so inside a character's head so as to make him come alive for an audience, there is someone like my husband who wears solipsistic goggles.

Every bit of advice I've read or heard is either 'leave' or 'stand up for yourself.' If this was a circumstance where it was very clear that the bad outweighed the good, or the abuse was completely intolerable, that would be the right decision. This is not one of those. There's a great deal of good here, still. But there is one set of bad habits that is running ruin over it. The counselor has told him it's abusive. He's recognized, accepted and apologized for it. He knows he has problems with trust and controlling his temper and is working his way through fixing that.

What I can't seem to find pretty much anywhere is a (non-religious) story of how someone learned to trust someone else again, and how. That sorta surprises me.

This is what I've done, more or less -- stood up and said no more fighting. Of course, it's one of dozens of times and appears to be finally sticking. I'm not entirely convinced that he's not somewhere on the spectrum of autism, because he is somewhat incapable of connecting with the impact of what he says on other people (and not just me). For every great author who can get so inside a character's head so as to make him come alive for an audience, there is someone like my husband who wears solipsistic goggles.

Every bit of advice I've read or heard is either 'leave' or 'stand up for yourself.' If this was a circumstance where it was very clear that the bad outweighed the good, or the abuse was completely intolerable, leaving would be the right decision. This is not one of those. There's a great deal of good here, still. But there is one set of bad habits that is running ruin over it. The counselor has told him it's abusive. He's recognized, accepted and apologized for it. He knows he has problems with trust and controlling his temper and is working his way through fixing that.

What I can't seem to find pretty much anywhere is a (non-religious) story of how someone learned to trust someone else again, and how. That sorta surprises me.

You probably can't find that because it doesn't exist. Unfortunately, this sort of behavior he has is ingrained since a very young age and going nowhere.

Best wishes for peace!

Weird that my last post got posted twice.

Thanks, rob333. I suspected as much. My mother has been through two divorces from overtly abusive spouses. I'm only too keenly aware of what abuse looks like. Each relationship is a complex set of inputs and variables such that you're really on your own to decide whether you're strong enough to effect change in the patterns of behavior through diligent rehabilitation or not and walk away. There's still plenty of good here, but I do need that social connection.

Blah.

While doing some reasearch, I came across this article. It's absolutely brilliant. One of the things I've learned in counseling is that none of us are trained professionals. Not only are we not armed with the knowledge to "fix" each other, but we are being sapped of any willpower to try because we're the target of the bad stuff. Heck, I'm not even convinced that professionals are always able to fix bad patterns of behavior.

This author writes, "My own enthusiasm for brain science and my belief in angry men's inherent capacity to reorganize their own neural circuitry are probably another key to revving up their motivation to try."

I think he's onto something.

Here is a link that might be useful: The Angry Brain: How to Help Men With Uncontrollable Tempers

It can sure lower you self esteem.

Byzantine, I was in your shoes. Twice. Both times, I got out. After the second time, I went into therapy to find out why I married abusive men. It really helped. I have now been married for 21 years to a sweetheart. I was 44 years old when we got married, so it is never too late.

Please, for your sake, get out. There is no reason for you to suffer, and you definitely will not be able to change him or stop him.