A bit of a different slant--Father of the groom shenanigans. When we got married, I bought my fiance a nice navy suit, which was quite the chore back in the day before there were lots of options for tall guys; he is/was 6'4" and 180 lbs. Anyway, I found a nice 3 piece suit in a conservative navy. My father had a nice suit in a conservative navy. I asked my future FIL to wear a nice suit in a conservative navy. At which point he went out and bought a nice suit in a conservative BROWN! I was sooooo angry at him, and since he was the best man I was convinced my dream wedding image for the guys was ruined. So, on our wedding day there was my FIL resplendent in his brown suit. I was still a tad miffed, right till we were all leaving the church and as we walked out the doors, he suddenly gave me the world's biggest hug, with the joyful comment 'now you're part of the family!' and the world's biggest smile to go along with it. He's gone now but thinking of that moment still makes me smile every time. It was a good lesson too about whats important and what's not on a wedding day. Happy memories come from what we do and say, not what we wear...have a wonderful wedding! Ann

There are so many variables, it would be difficult to pinpoint the particular issue without her being willing to discuss it with you. It could just be that she is a wife now, rather than a single gal who can do as she pleases. We all go through stages in life, and that means relationships change. Her in-laws could be very demanding. Or she could still have issues with the divorce, or for some reason have an issue with your current husband. I guess what I'm trying to say is there may be something there that you don't realize. It would be great if the two of you could visit and talk about it. But just have some benign lunch visits first before trying to do any heavy lifting. My own mother and I struggle, and we're 44 and 70. I am very analytical, logical -- like dad. She is very emotional and needy. She was widowed (married to stepdad 6 years) very suddenly four months before my wedding. She panicked and put her house on the market and moved to my state and town. I had warned her that my life was about to change and I would not be available like she might think, and she said she understood. She is also an unacknowledged alcoholic, which makes it a struggle. I have a rule that I don't talk to her after 6pm, because it is the alcohol talking then and not her. But any discussion of the drinking leads to incredible defensiveness and return accusations about how I could lose some weight, etc. So we sort of treat each other with kid gloves. It's not optimal, but it works for me. But I don't know if she really understands why I avoid her so much -- I guess I'm afraid that she would burst into flame or something if I confronted her with it. (She was hospitalized once when I was young, and is somewhat emotionally unstable). Enough about Christmas at my house! Do have lunch with your daughter soon and just catch up on fun stuff -- no pressure. If she is sensing pressure from you to do something, or visit, or behave a certain way -- no matter how slight -- it could lead to her being hesitant to spend time with you.

haven't read everything, just can't bear to read it all at once, but wanted to chime in. My mother was a sociopath, a narcissist, & an abuser. Narcissistic mothers sometimes, I'd guess almost always, hate their daughters because the daughters are rivals. I was the oldest, & I had 2 younger brothers. My mother did the same thing yours did: She'd work herself into a rage, storm down the hall to get the razor strap, storm back, by which time we were all crying & I was hysterical, grab her favorite son & hit him about 4 times, toss him aside, grab the next one & hit him about 8 to 10 times, toss him aside.. & grab me & beat me, as you said, arm fully extended, until she collapsed, exhausted, panting, & sometimes sobbing. It's no accident that it happened that way. 1) I was made to watch her beat my brothers, building up her rage, knowing that I would be beaten much longer & much harder...so the terror was magnified & prolonged. 2) To this day, I feel guilt & shame that my brothers were beaten; it was always my fault-for not stopping them from doing something, for not making sure that they did do something. anything was a good enough excuse, *& all 3 of us believed it*. My brothers believe it was all my fault. To this day, I have no concept that I was ever cute or smart... because those traits belonged to my mother, & she punished any encroachment onto her domain. I've also learned that it doesn't stop with the adult abuser; my brothers both take it for granted that they're superior to me & that whatever happened to me (us) was my fault. & girls who 'tell someone' are often not believed; narcissists/sociopaths are intuitive chameleons. Even my father never knew, & I marvel at the threats/intimidation my mother must have used on us to keep her secret. When I finally, in my late forties or early fifties, realized that this was horrific abuse, & I talked to my aunts & cousins about it, they were thunderstruck. My aunt even told me that she sometimes thought what a lucky girl I was, to have a mother who loved me so much & was so proud of me. This is the first time in a while that I've thought about this or communicated about it, & my shoulders are already tight & my head is beginning to throb. I wish you the very best.

Perhaps it's different where you are....but anyplace I know of....when a 12 year old is "going out" with another 12 year old, it means she can't be friends with any other boys, nor he with other girls. I sure see no harm with her making sure he is aware of her existance. She is trying out her feminine wiles and he is smitten.....all that will change in the blink of an eye. I repeat...stay out of it...they are 12 for cryin out loud, you are complaining because your daughter talks to but won't "go out with" a neighbor kid? Suppose she did want to "go out" with him and wanted to spend all her time at his house? makes for a new worry doesn't it? Ignore it...it will go away! I repeat....she's 12!! I happen to have 3 12 year old grandsons. One recently "broke up" with the girl he was "going out with". He couldn't even talk in the hall to another girl without her pulling a scene and her girlfriends calling him and asking why were you talking to Carla when you are going with Dana?...and he got sick of it and broke up with her.... AND the next morning, Sunday, her mother called my son's house and wanted to know if they were aware that their son broke up with her daughter...and did they realize how heart broken she was and that she cried all night and what were they going to do about it. My son let her know in no uncertain terms that he didn't get involved in the drama of a 12 year old's love life and that his son was well within his rights to "break up" with her daughter, and please don't call again and wake me for some trivial problem that really is none of our businesses. Pay no attention....that's how she learns to be a teen age girl! Linda C