We're both in our early 50's and been married 22 yrs and it's probably a 2 for both of us and I'd say we both are still quite attracted to each other, in fact for us, that's probably what kept us together thru the bad times( of REALLY getting to know each other). It's the 2nd marriage for both of us. We had kids with the first marriage and decided none together.(Which is good, cause the first 1/2 of our marriage WAS rocky and I would have left him if I'd of had babies that would be exposed to that degree of fighting and tension). And yes, the frequency does wane some, but the enjoyment is still as good as in my 30's. FOR TRACYMOMOF4: I'd be concerned. Is he still affectionate? Hug and kiss some, snuggle at night? Could it be he's afraid of back trouble? Or with some guys, a few times with erection problems sets a pattern psychologically. You can buy viagra on the internet &/or you could ask the doctor if it would be safe for him. It's only rarely that someone can't use it. For you,37 is way too young to be cut down to 1/mo. Was he more arousable and interested prior to surgery? Or could this be the way he always has been? Too, some guys sneak porn(magazines or XXX motels) to have a safe outlet(a hand job)when they don't have a woman, and find they go back to it in trying times and sometimes even prefer it because of the sneaking and naughtiness to it. Is he on blood pressure meds? That'll do it, too or drink too much or low testosterone levels. Good luck, Trac and post if you're interested in persuing the possibilities.

Being in a relationship such as this one, can strike mortal blows to one's self esteem. There is no respectable outlet to obtain assurance of your desirability. That doesn't mean that you are lacking in that area. You have to make an active choice not to let your mate's lack of interest define you. Every day make the conscious decision to affirm yourself. Don't let their choice not to engage you in a healthy way control how you view yourself. Don't give your personal Power away. We all know what the definition of a healthy marriage is. Once you come to the realization that you are not the blame for, cannot control the situation or change it all by yourself, you can then restore some balance in your life. There is no point in banging your head against a brick wall. The unegaged partner has to not only want to change but have the drive and persistence to work at it thru whatever medium they then choose. Then, together you can set some goals. However, oftentimes in these situations the problems are long standing with mutual particiation in fights and talks about it with negative results. All of the issues work together to create a complicated maze of issues. I read somewhere that in these situations the sexlessness accounts for 90% of the other problems that the couples complain about. Struggling with this issue impacts upon all the other aspects of married life. For me the teachings of Alanon saved my sanity and gave me new tools that helped me to maintain my marriage. The bottom line is about how you finally decide to choose how you want to live by making an inventory of your life goals and needs. Then choose. Explore all the avenues available to make changes that will help your marriage and work at it. When you reach your "rock bottom", then the time comes to decide. Stay in Peace or go .... hopefully with Peace. Good Luck to all who are dealing with this issue.

cindy pond, Your comment about my doctor discussing it with me made the think back. I've been on the antidepressant since my mid-40's. At that time my doctor told me she figured my sex life was pretty much over with anyway. Now that I think about it, that wasn't a very nice thing to say! I still go to the same dr. office my particular practitioner has changed twice since then. Perhaps I'll talk to my new dr. about this. The thing is, Zoloft has worked very well for me for a long time so I hesitate to mess with that. Also, per my first post I never did have a strong sex drive in the first place. Now that I'm going through menopause I doubt it would make much difference even if I could switch drugs. Part of me wonders then, if I have no sex drive why am I complaining about not having sex? Because even though my husband assures me he loves me, and I believe him, I still feel unloved because of a lack of intimacy. I don't think he really needs intimacy honestly. So then I feel like I would just be making him do it to appease me, and that's no good. If I try to talk to him about this it will only put more pressure on him to again appease me, so I don't say anything. I have asked him a couple of times why we don't have sex anymore and he says "sex isn't everything" and mentions the hormone and drug interactions and says he just doesn't think about it anymore. But then I wonder if that's a lie because of the fact that I accidently caught him masturbating so he MUST think about it. When I think along those lines I think he's just bored with me or with our routine or maybe I just disgust him. But those tables could be turned so I can't be judgemental there. I realize all of you have made suggestions and I am making excuses. I guess this has become my venting place for my frustration because I am afraid to talk to any of my girlfriends about it.

My honest opinion is that your wife is not in love with you anymore (if she ever was) and is only staying with you "because of the children". Let's look at the facts; she shows no interest in you whatsoever (physically, sexually) and doesn't even want to sleep with you or spend any time with you. She told you straight out that you were third in the list of her priorities. She is making excuses as to why she won't have sex with you because she doesn't want to admit to the real reason. I think she wants you to stay around as long as the kids are still at home. The biggest indicator of all is that she will not attend marital counseling with you!! She obviously knows you aren't happy and are trying to work on the marriage, yet she is only willing to placate you by going to individual counseling. Not that she doesn't need that too, but the problems are with the marriage, yet she straight up is refusing to do maybe the only thing that would save the marriage. No matter what the reason is for the problem, the fact that she is unwilling to try and fix it clearly demonstrates how important the relationship is to her. I think you are too young to be spending your life in a "relationship" with someone who basically wants nothing to do with you. Nobody should have to endure a marriage where they are having sex a couple of times a year (unless both partners are fine with that arrangement) or when one partner obviously has no interest in the other. I think that unless she agrees to actually go to Marriage Counseling, with YOU, and talk about what is going on here, then don't bother. Why should you try if she isn't going to. Go find someone who is madly in love with you and wants to cuddle with you, have sex with you, spend time with you, and will communicate openly about problems when they come in your relationship.