ifonly, You mentioned that this has been going on for sometime but that things were healthy in the beginning. Now, though, there is no physical contact and your DH is also distant emotionally. You also mention that DH is in good physical health and not suffering with depression. Unless DH is angry which can dampen libido or has issues from her past (abuse of some kind) which might need to be addressed, then it is possible that she just might be this way and it is "normal" for her. When people first get together and fall in love there is a change in body chemistry which causes the sex drive to increase so they can bond. After a couple of years it dampens down and the true nature of the person emerges. If that is the case in your situation then some compromise needs to take place on both your parts. That is why it might be a good idea to explore the issue with a therapist whithout making judgments. If she cares about you and you about her you might be able to find a middle ground. If DH is not willing to work out a solution then, when and if that occurs, you will have to make some important choices about your future. Stay with her and accept a life such as you have come to describe or exit the situation. When all means have been undertaken to make a positive change and the situation exhausts you, then the time will come when you must accept life as it is. It is possible that in the no so distant future that you will become an angry man. Someone who will be bitter. You may cheat, or fight a lot, or become jealous of others. If children are involved they will be impacted. Or, you can accept it (and I mean really give up trying to change DH) and be happy in your circumstances by learning not to want or expect more. It is premature to advise a person to leave a marriage. But, you are young without children and have a long life ahead of you. A sexless marriage will necessitate that you change and some cannot easily make the transition so easily. It will be your "cross" to bear. Wishing you and your marriage all the Best with much Hope that your efforts work out Well with a Happy Future ahead of you.

Elegant1, your husband does sound like a jerk. An adult should never treat another adult the way he treated you. I don't want this to sound like I am taking his side. What he said was completely wrong. The next question is why might have he said this. I can see a side to what he said that I have felt (but knew better than to ever say out loud). From talking to my buddies...I bet more than one guy has felt that way at least once in a while. I recently checked out this forum after having marriage problems myself. I find it very interresting to see a different perspective to things. You ladies do look at things a whole lot different than a guy does. Communication seems to fail a lot of people (I am still trying to communicate with my wife). In your post, you stated that he never asks for it (sex). It is not always easy to "ask" for sex. It would be great if my wife made the first move once in a while. In the past (years ago) she would hint that having sex would be nice...and then it was up to me to take the ball from there. I am not sure it is true for every guy...but at least for me sex has two parts...and physical part and a mental part. I can "hand'le" the physical part much faster and easier than having sex. What makes it worth while is the mental part. If things become routine...or lack any excitement....it is just easier for me to deal with things myself. Don't get me wrong...things don't have to be a three ring circus every time. It is just nice to be suprised or not have sole responsibility to make things all wonderful. Elegant1, you are correct in saying you are empowered by this. he has communicated (very poorly) that he desires more out of your sex life as well. The trick is to use this information in a manner to get the romance you desire.

My favorite radio talk show psychologist always asks people who call in to complain about their spouses' behaviors "if you won the lottery tomorrow, would you stay or go?" To the people (most of them) that say "go", she tells that money is NO reason to be miserable and that they must start to come up with a plan on how they will be able to support themselves....which is what I would say to you. Although I must say, if you have no kids, and are working as a police officer, then surely you can support yourself to a reasonable level. If, however, you are staying with this dude so you can live at an "elevated" lifestyle, nice cars, vacations, etc.....well you get no sympathy from me, that's just gold-digging....and quite honestly, combine that with the fact that you are cheating on him, well you deserve to be unhappy. I'm sorry to be so harsh but my ex-wife cheated on me twice, I have ZERO respect for cheats.

cindy pond, Your comment about my doctor discussing it with me made the think back. I've been on the antidepressant since my mid-40's. At that time my doctor told me she figured my sex life was pretty much over with anyway. Now that I think about it, that wasn't a very nice thing to say! I still go to the same dr. office my particular practitioner has changed twice since then. Perhaps I'll talk to my new dr. about this. The thing is, Zoloft has worked very well for me for a long time so I hesitate to mess with that. Also, per my first post I never did have a strong sex drive in the first place. Now that I'm going through menopause I doubt it would make much difference even if I could switch drugs. Part of me wonders then, if I have no sex drive why am I complaining about not having sex? Because even though my husband assures me he loves me, and I believe him, I still feel unloved because of a lack of intimacy. I don't think he really needs intimacy honestly. So then I feel like I would just be making him do it to appease me, and that's no good. If I try to talk to him about this it will only put more pressure on him to again appease me, so I don't say anything. I have asked him a couple of times why we don't have sex anymore and he says "sex isn't everything" and mentions the hormone and drug interactions and says he just doesn't think about it anymore. But then I wonder if that's a lie because of the fact that I accidently caught him masturbating so he MUST think about it. When I think along those lines I think he's just bored with me or with our routine or maybe I just disgust him. But those tables could be turned so I can't be judgemental there. I realize all of you have made suggestions and I am making excuses. I guess this has become my venting place for my frustration because I am afraid to talk to any of my girlfriends about it.