What did he say about the situation? What does he say when you try to have relations, or how does he let you know that he is not in the mood?

lonelywife, I'm sorry. That's not what you needed in this season of your life. Any season, actually.

While I'm not trying by ANY measure to excuse his behavior (there's not an excuse, really), it's not unheard of for couples to experience difficulties in their sex lives following the birth of a newborn or with small children in the house. You've got both of those going on. Now's the time to see a counselor - you need to refocus some of your energies away from the kiddos and back on to the two of you. I hope you can make that a priority!

Also, from the way you've described it, his behavior sounds addictive. Another reason to consult a therapist. But, from a short-term/behavioral fix perspective, I'd suggest two things: 1) Keep your computer in public family space, and 2) Invest in a good web filter. Taking the source of temptation away won't solve your problem, but it may curtail his addictive behavior in the short-run.

You do need to share with him what you know. I encourage you to do it as non-defensively as you can. I'm guessing he's not going to feel real proud about what he's doing, and shaming him further will only alienate him more from you. If you can muster the strength to approach him from the angle of being concerned and wanting to help him, you may get further.

Best of luck to you.

Be sure in your own mind, what a suitable outcome for this situation, would be.

Perhaps you need to think about what your standards are.

I'm sorry the ole' man ain't feelin' up to puttin' out right now. As a happily married man of over 15 years I can say I understand his situation.

With the arrival of the third kid I'm betting that you don't look as sexy as you did when you two were dating. Now, don't get angry, I'm not saying this is your fault. But the hubby may be feeling a bit overwhelmed right now and may not find you attractive. It ain't right, it ain't fair, but it's the way we are wired. We get turned on by a sexy body.

If your husband doesn't find you attractive right now he probably feels very guilty about it - I know I did after the kids were born. As odd as it sounds, sex can make that guilt feel even worse.

If the two of you are really friends then I think you should try to spend some quiet time alone just talking. Don't bring up the fact that you found the porn and caught him about to spank the monkey. It will embarass him to high heaven if you do.

Just talk about anything. Try to remember the things you liked to talk about before the kids came along, or whatever. It really doesn't matter, the point is to just get him talking. Do this enough and he'll probably begin to fall back in love with you as a person and overlook whatever may be bothering him right now. He'll get back in the mood.

About the porn . . . We can't help it, we're wired to like to look at porn. Any guy that says he doesn't like porn may as well also say that he doesn't like breathing. We like it because nature has designed us to like it.

Most men can enjoy it for a little while and move on, just like most of us can enjoy a beer and not get addicted. But I'm sure some folks do get addicted to the point of ruining marriages - I hope that's not the case for your hubby.

And, about the masturbation . . . I've lurked here off and on for years and I've always rolled my eyes everytime some worried wife writes about catching her husband jacking off. Most of us men started that in our early teens, some as young as 10. I bet that by the age of 15, 99.9% of young American men are doing it. You cannot possibly understand how much the sexual urge is boiling in teenage boys and masturbation provides a welcome relief.

I've never read any studies, but I'll bet that over 50% of men continue to masturbate for the rest of their lives, even the happily married ones. Why, you ask, when there's a willing and waiting wife in the bedroom? Sometimes we need to "check the square" and do it quickly. When I have sex with my wife it never gets done quickly. I always do whatever it takes to make her orgasm . . . and it's usually a lot of work on my part.

Maybe you're an easy cummer. If not, start doing whatever you need to do to help him get the job done. Perhaps that means to provide yourself with a little manual stimulation while he grinds away - just take some of the work load off him.

I'd really like to hear your thoughts on this so be sure to post a response.

Nice to hear a male's perspective on this forum.

Keep the comments coming.

Yes, thanks for the male side of things!! I know that guys are very visual and I understand it to a large degree. Do you guys realize how hard it is to do all that we do ( not to imply you guys do nothing!!) have something grow inside of us and stretch our bodies out and have the time to get ourselves back into pre-baby state? Before kids I just thought women were kind of lazy about the looking fat after kids, but now I understand it all sooo well. I am not fat, but I have retained 15 lbs. I seriously don't think men really understand it, but I may be wrong about that. I guess they may understand, but it doesn't change the fact that they are wired to get turned on by a sexy body. Are some men turned off by pregnancy? I really think it changed the way my husband thought about me sexually. Any comments from a man would be appreciated.

Interesting how squeamish some people are about male masturbation. Not supposed to do it. Naughty. Except when it comes time to produce a sample for the Dr. Then it's OK to perform in minutes and familiarity/expertise is assumed. I think our society is a little twisted/unrealistic in this way. And we aren't thinking of football when we do it. As often as not, we're thinking of you.

Agree with above porn comments that men are, indeed, visually stimulated. Porn is like a lot of things. Can be used. Can be abused. Not automatically bad. Can even be helpful. If it's bad for you and yours, better acknowledge it and take charge. For some situations, it can even be useful. Ask any therapist that deals with sexual issues.

Also "porn" needs tighter definition for discussion to be useful. Some people consider Victoria's Secret ads to be pornographic. Some people say Playboy crosses the line. Is that the kind of "porn" you're talking about? Or is it whips/chains/flagellation/violence -- as depicted in The Passion of the Christ? The range of possible consideration is vast.

What part bothered you more? Was it the porn or catching him pleasuring himself? You just had baby #3 and your probably not feeling too sexy. It is all too easy to compare yourself with the women in the pictures. They are beautiful and most of all they are THIN. First i would find out if he has some problems or addictions with porn. Then you need to talk about how these pictures make you feel. Porn is not that big of a deal depending on the type of porn. Why not offer to watch a movie with him? Porn is not just for men!
Now about catching him masturbating. Almost every man does it. Would you be happier if he was cheating? Men are wired different. Not having sex for a whole month is a real long time for them. After each of my c-sections i enjoyed "doing the work for him." My Dh really loves the fact that he doesnt have to hid in a bathroom and most of all it is more pleasurable with me doing it. It is time to have an open dialoge about this. Just remember that he hasnt cheated on you and thats a good thing.

Agree with asolo. In fact, I find masturbation very useful when one is in the mood while the other is not. I know DH masturbates once in a while and he knows I do too on occasion. We feel secure enough with each other to say "honey, I am really not in the mood right now, go ahead and do it in another room". Sometimes we women really tend to treat an issue to be bigger than what it is, and I think it may be the case here too.

I think the issue here is that he was rejecting her and was being sneaky about the porn. Maybe if he was open with her and reassured her that he loved her, but wasn't feeling connected to her sexually ---and assured her it was just a passing thing due to new baby, etc.??? (I know it would be difficult to talk about ..there has to be a way without making her feel horrible). Too bad he couldn't have suggested the porn to her as a couples thing. I don't know .....maybe he thought she would freak out. Why do men have to be so sneaky about it even when they know there wives are very open to it as a couple? I don't know in this case if she would have been open to it. Communication is the key. Also I was a little freaked out about 100 sites?? Maybe that wasn't to be taken literally, but just that there were a lot of sites visited. I wish we would hear from lonelywife again and get an update! Also, I find the male perspective to be interesting when it comes to this topic. Any men out there who want to add some additional comments?

If the hubby was "hiding" and never had talked to the wife about porn and spankin' the monkey I doubt he's going to just up and talk to her about it anytime soon. We've been taught all of our lives that porn and masturbation are wrong so we are ashamed of our love of it - thus, most of us men don't want to bring the subject up with our wives. Heck, we don't even talk about the subject with each other.

Back when we were 13 or so and had first discovered this wonderful new hobby we talked openly about it with friends . But by about 17 none of us wanted to admit that we still did it. Instead, we all lied and said "I don't have to jack-off, I'm getting plenty of pussy so I don't need to do that anymore." Truth is, the guys that really were getting laid still jacked it, but perhaps not as often as the rest of us.

Okay---securelurker---I did not mean for the husband to sit down with her and all the sudden say " honey...guess what? I have been looking at porn ---lots of it--and jerking off!" No! What I meant was that it was too bad he couldn't talk to her about not feeling real sexual toward her,etc. I am not sure how one would approach the subject exactly, but there should be some way. It just seems like to look up tons of porn and "jack it" while his wife is sleeping and rejecting her anytime she makes advances is kind bad. The rejecting part and getting sexual gratification in other ways seems troubling to me. I don't think porn is horrible if not used in a detrimental way--at least I didn't used to think so. Anymore you hear about more and more problems with it ...it is everywhere. I know my marriage has some troubles because of it. Also I do not think masturbation is horrible. Don't you think he was being sort of sneaky? Anyway, I hope they worked it out and it isn't a continual problem for their marriage. By the way---securelurker---I appreciate your frankness on the subject!

Maybe he just doesn't want you to realize what he is doing for fear of hurting your feelings (which looks like that has happened) he might be scared to hurt you with you just having a c-section (1 month is plenty of time to recuperate? really?) I had mine natural and I remember still feeling sore 2 months later. My DH told me that it was awesome watching the baby being born but he did tell me that it changed something in him about how he looked at me and sex. I know my DH does jack off but I have never caught him doing it, he just tells me that it has been awhile he has had to do it a couple of times or something like that, it is honestly no big deal, so you are saying you have never masturbated yourself, ever??

We men don't typically like to talk about this subject, and I know the shock you may have had when you encountered his surfing habits. My wife had the same problems at first, and we had the sex discussion. I started looking at web based porn when after we had our first child and my wife just wasn't in the mood for sex.

I continued the habit as we had our second child an my wife's desire to have sex was still diminished. I did this to satisify my sexual desires, but have recently stopped.

I stopped because I found that my was letting it interfer with our sex life. Not because my desire for sex had diminished, but because my wife's desire did not increase even after she lost he weight and we got the children to sleep through the nights in their own beds.

I would like to have sex nightly, but would be satisified with once or twice a week. however, my wife seemed to only want to have sex once a month. I had gotten frustrated with this discrepancy and discussed it with my wife and she said she was just not in the mood (chores, kids not sleeping through the night, and not sleeping in their own bed most nights). So, I started staying up late and masturbating to internet porn to satisfy myself without placing more stress on the wife.

She caught me once and we discussed this. I old her that I would rather have sex with her an not masturbate, but as long as we were not having sex regularly I was going to masturbate. It was not the fact that I was masturbating that seemed to upset her as much as it was that most of the sites contained images of young good looking women on it. I got the impression that she felt that I did not find her attractive anymore.

Well anyway, I assured her that I still found her attractive. Note to the women here: If a guy can look at porn he will search for the most attractive women he can find and not the mildly attractive and slightly overweight sites, remember this is for his visial stimulation and not for chosing a life mate.

So the short of it is: If it is negatively impacting your sex life as a couple he needs to stop. (If you are not willing to fill the void and you make him stop, this might not make things any better.)

Okay thanks for all the points of view. I think my biggest problem was my hormones. I don't mind DH looking at porn or taking care of business. I just miss the closeness of sex on a regular basis. But with 3 little monsters :) One being 7 weeks and one that hates sleeping in her bed, I am worn out when it gets to be bed time. I am usually too tired to be in the mood or even think about sex. I appreciate the comments about porn being porn, not that you are looking because of the beautiful women, I now weigh 25 pounds less than when I got pregnant, went down 4 sizes in clothes, so know that isn't the issue. Just a lack of energy, if DH wants to take care of business that is fine with me. I will admit to looking at porn too and have a little pink friend that helps:) But sometimes miss DH but know that with time it will get better (hoping for tonight)

Sally

Happy to hear that things are going okay for you--lonelywife. Yes, hormones can be very POWERFUL, can't they? They definately control our emotions at times!! As I have said before, communication is almost always the culprit behind problems it seems. I never used to have a problem with porn and actually thought it was enhancing to our relationship;however, I do NOT feel this way anymore. It has caused issues because of the secrecy that started going on with it and lack of interest in me. I would never have had issues with it if I still felt he was attracted to me. (I would never have believed our sex life would end up the way it has. The sex pre-pregnancy was great.) It has also caused issues in other areas of his life....which is a whole other story. Anyway, congrats on your new little one and the weight loss! And.........hope you had fun last night! Again,
I think it is great to get the male points of view. Thanks guys!

Used2bsexy...I'm sorry you are feeling so bad. My husband looks at online porn...he's what I call a Connoisseur, LOL. The thing is that he does not chat online, does not go out to bars or strip clubs. He's home with me and he cannot keep his hands off me (if TMI, sorry). He just likes boobs and that is why he looks. I NEVER deny him sex. It's whenever, however and he loves that !! I know it's hard after you have a baby. I have a 1 year old now and that does not prevent me from being with my husband and giving him the love he needs.

My advice is to get yourself together. Do your hair, fix yourself up and seduce him. I'm not skinny, nor do I look like I belong in porn, trust me, but he still finds me sexy. Don't say you have no time because that is not an excuse. Make time. Remember, take care of your marriage/husband and this will help keep your family together. This does not mean you are neglecting your kiddies, either. Besides, don't you want to feel sexy and like your old self again. Make an effort for yourself, your husband, your family and your marriage. Just my humble opinion.

ooops...this was meant for lonelywife not Used2bsexy, sorry !!!

Ohh, little one that does not want to sleep in own bed, that can be a major romantic downer, luckily I never had that problem but I have gfriends that do. one has a 4 year old and a 1 year old that refuse to sleep in their own bed, so they sleep with her every night:( husband sleeps in recliner.
Do you have anyone that can watch the older two so you guys can have a romantic evening?? Maybe even the little one (I just never could let anyone watch either of my babies until they were about 5 months old or so, even my own mother, I couldn't stand them not being with me) Maybe try to not let him take a long afternoon nap so he will go to sleep earlier and for a longer amount of time? I have a secret for making babies sleep through the night as well, keep in mind my doctor advised me that I could do this, your ped. might feel differently. baby ceral (rice only) mixed in with the formula (or breast milk) not much at all, like 1/2 a teaspoon. Fills their tummies up better, and wahlah! makes them sleep longer! but ask your doctor first on that one. I had to do something as I went back to work when my first one was 2 weeks old, by the time he was 1 and 1/2 months I was just plain wore out, I was going to break down if something didn't happen, that is when he told me about the cereal, I could of kissed that doctors feet it felt so wonderful to get a full nights sleep (well 5 hours, but that was a full night to me) I can remember it vividly and it was 12 years ago!
It is hard to work around the kids, this I know, I have a 12 year old and a 6 year old and it really has not changed, I have to wait until both are completly asleep before I will agree to any fooling around, and I have to make sure, or else I am distracted and constantly listening to see if I can hear anyone up. My greatest fear is of either of them walking in, the oldest I am sure knows something of what goes on, he always knocks before coming in our room (sure hope it is not from him catching us! see how paranoid I am?) sometimes I wonder how parents ever find the time to have more kids, with not having private time on account of the current kids, lol!

well i tell you a funny story, years ago when i was prego with our first child i was about 8 months along and sooo not in the mood, i caught my hubby mastubating to a madonna video! well i figured its better them him finding the reall thing to get off on. to this day he wont talk about it, we never have other then the od comment from me about how great madonna is looking! talk to him if it helps you feel better but how is your relationship outside of this incedent? i guess i see this as a better solution than finding himself the reall thing, and porn websites are all about fantasy and pretend, good luck

OMG, that is funny. I'd be playing Madonna songs really loud all the time!

If it were me I'd block him from the computer(s).
I know.
There are other forms of porn he could find/look at to take care of himself, but it wouldn't be under my nose while I was taking care of his one month old child twenty four hours a day.

The Madonna story is funny.

Lori

The kid's not staying in bed will TOTALLY ruin your sex life. My husband has four (almost five) year old twin girls from another marriage. They went through a phaze where they refused to stay a whole night in their own beds. It was causing stress in our relationship because we NEVER had ANY alone time. That is OUR time...our only time. It's about the kid's all day long from sun up till sun down.

We had to put the foot down. When they would come out we'd turn them right back around to their own room. It was hard at first but eventually they got the point. Bed time means bed time. We get MUCH better sleep (four people in twin bed ain't easy sleeping) and we have sex when we want without worrying about "visitors" knocking on the door. Poor sleeping habits are the hardest to break.

You know I have been married for 12 years this Nov. My husband is one of the most faithful people on the planet. But let's face the truth ALL guys look. They are turned on by sight. Think about it, when you are touched the right way you are turned on. Guys are turned on by what they see. So the truth is guys are going to look. Really it does not have anything to do with you. If you can come to terms with it and find a way to talk to him about it without telling him what you don't like about it him will talk to you and my husband does not really look anymore. I can say this with total certainty. I am the computer wiz in my house. I have monitors on each one of the computers so I know when he does it. We talk about it alot and he feels better about it also. Guys feel bad when they do it. So by talking about it they feel better also. I will tell you the truth I like to look at it once in a while and we do this together sometimes. Sex is a wonderful thing. Find the wonderful things about it and you will find that it does not hurt and can acually become a tool to reall exspand your sexual relationship with him. I also want ot mention this was not an overnight change for me. I was you for a long time. It takes time and you have to recept youself. Also I had to realize that he can leave and he does not, so he wants me.

my 2 cents as a male...... all guys masturbate. it is something they do and started doing when they were 11 or 12 so the fact that they are doing it does mean they don't love their wives or anything else in and of itself. and if they are married, they probably are embarrassed by it and try to hide it from their spouse. it is entirely possible, in fact likely, for a guy to be madly and passionately in love with his wife and would never consider cheating on her, but he would still masturbate. illogical? nope, just male.

I know this post is old....but I really got a chuckle at some of the militant female replies to it ("there's no excuse to this behavior.." - lol too funny).

Tommyh is 100% right. Hate to break it to you ladies that think your man doesn't do it..but you are probably kidding yourselves. Porn is not a multi-billion dollar industry because a small percentage of the population is deviants.

I've been married to a beautiful, very sexual woman, and now that I'm divorced have been dating one for 3 years. The fact that I occasionally looked at porn had nothing to do with my desires for them, or means I would cheat on them or anything like that. Men like visual stuff....simple as that. If you try to make it in any way about YOU....you're making a mistake. We don't expect you to look like porn stars, or get involved in orgies or dress like a prostitute...we just like looking at people who do.

Now if it interferes with the actual physical part of the relationship, as I am sure it does in some cases, that is of course a problem. But except for that...what's the harm to the relationship? It's fantasy stuff.....it can actually ADD to a relationship too.....couples do actually watch it together you know (or so I've heard...wink wink).

Or you can bury your head in the sand an say that any man that does that is a creep....your choice. The only reason you probably have not caught your husband in that case is that he is good at covering his internet tracks....lol.

last night i asked my husband and daughter if they wanted me to set up a play date with another dad and little girl she's played with before.

He said he didn't want to then he said "why don't you ever make me a playdate with a girl with big breasts and fantastic sex drive".

i said that's inappropriate. He immediately agreed.

I am really mad at him. First, and foremost because that's not something you say in front of a 9 year old girl. Ever.

Second because what the heck?! He's not a stupid person usually but just about anyone would know that's not what you say to your wife.

And it's not like I have small breasts or a small sex drive. Yes, hahaha it's a joke. But it's not funny.

I told him after a couple of days and I calmed down that first he's never to make sexual comments in front of my daughter again, and that I'd just go with that being a really lame joke even though it was inappropriate and rude and not funny.

We are both mid-30's, second marriage for both, two girls (one each), professional careers.

He's sorry. I'm still kinda mad.

If he is truly sorry, and has said so, then move on, for your own sake and his. And never bring it up again.

That's the rules !

Understand "the rules"....but what an incredibly jerk-wad thing for husband/father to say. So incredible, IMHO, that I suggest there's more to this story that wifey isn't yet aware of.

wow asolo you think this is a big deal? I followed the advice on the stepfamily forum to just say, "don't ever talk about anything sexual in front of my daughter again, and I will pretend this was just a joke, an inappropriate, unfunny joke" and he agreed to both. He looked pretty ashamed.

He really doesn't say stuff THAT inappropriate, and never in front of my daughter.

But you seem to really have a cool head on your shoulders and low tolerance for BS, so I respect your opinion. What do you think is going on ?

Yes, I think it's a "big deal". The incredible jerk-stickedness of the statement you described within the context you described it is astonishing to me.

"He really doesn't say stuff THAT inappropriate, and never in front of my daughter."

Madame....he just did....you said....didn't you? I responded to what you wrote.

You're right. I should have said.

Usually, he doesn't say anything close to being that inappropriate. That's why I was shocked when this came out of his mouth.

And never before has he said anything that I though was inappropriate in front of my daughter.

This was the first time.

What else do you think is going on? He's a good guy, a good stepfather. And then this happens.

Ok, then, I think I got that it was an isolated incident. Feeling much better about that. Changes my opinion.

Even though it was quite inappropriate, I observe that almost everyone says something stupid once in a while....sometimes really stupid, like this was. With zero pride, I must admit that I have.

You've described acknowledgement and remorse...which is the normal, productive, appropriate reaction when one is called on an obvious screw-up....so perhaps the incident should be allowed to die a natural death from forgiveness. Goodness knows that if I had to bear the guilt of my own mistakes perpetually, i'd have gone insane decades ago.

It's weird because I do get defensive of him because he really is a good guy who tries really hard.

But I was pissed. It was totally insensitive and aside from making me feel like crap (because really? you want a play date with a sex fiend with big boobs? crushed) I was horrified that my DD heard that, and it was two fold because I didn't want her to hear or associate her dad with sex, I didn't want her to think sexual+breasts = desirable and I was embarassed. For him and me.

And in the middle of that I couldn't make to big deal because I had to be cool for her. So I just said "totally inappropriate" and he agreed and said "sorry, really inappropriate" to DD. and we dropped it.

But then I thought about it and started second guessing myself and thought to get more opinions. But can't ask friends/family because they just might really misunderstand and totally judge.

Didn't want to throw him under the bus unless it's warranted.

And I have said some REALLY inappropriate things too. so I know what you mean about forgiveness.

Within the context you've just clarified for me, I'd give him a smile and snuggle and let it go. He's owned it and I'm sure he doesn't want to labor under wondering whether you think badly of him from now on. My new understanding is this is very much husband/wife minor-accident-repair territory.

You were wise not to ask friends/family about it. This way it can be gone, gone, gone, without having butinski's asking you about it and carrying their own suspicions around. Good on ya.

I also found my husband jerking off. At first I thought it was ok, then it started bothering me. Then I asked him to stop doing it, then I asked him to do it (because I kept telling myself that's how men are wired) in a way I wouldn't find out. Then I caught him and got furious. First I found his underwear with cum, then I caught him in the act. I also know I haven't dealt with the problem the best way. I have tried and feel bad to ask him not to do it. It's kind of unfair to ask him not to do it, if sometimes when he's gone for work and I get turned on I also do it. I think boys will be boys, and we shouldn't be worrying so much about what they do in their privacy. We, even as a couple who live together, share beds, share rooms, share food, should also have our intimate moments to be alone. He has never told me no when I want to have sex, he has never rejected me. I never do that either, never reject him. I think that a healthy sexual life doesn't mean that we should have sex every night, or that everything has to be shared. I am my own person and also need my time to myself. Am I that wrong?

Been married for 32 years. Love my wife dearly for the person she is and everything we have been thru together. We have three grown children. She's post menopausal and lost her libido completely about 6 years ago. We used to have sex ALL THE TIME Now she feels very badly for me because she doesn't have the desire or urges. For me I still have a strong libido and have to "take care of myself" otherwise i'd be frustrated as heck. if my wife were to get her mojo back i'd rise to the occasion but now what can I do??!!
When you read all these stories here on this site the common theme is differences in sexual desire in some way. Are men visual?...You bet..in every way!
That's just the way it is. People have to take care of their own personal needs. Men and women.

I caught my husband videotaping himself mastrubating and put it out there on the Web. I have also caught him watching girls undress themselves on camera. He has a number of "lady friends" on the net, and does not get to bed until about 2 am every morning because he is so caught up in pornographic materials on the PC and chatting to those girls, he endulges in watching "Rape videos" and has a Long list of direct links to such video clips it is not funny at all. he even pretends to be 47 when he is really 62. I am just waiting for someone to catch up with the real him.