Wow, that's a tough one, and at the age that I estimate you mom must be, she's not likely to be the one to change. In that case, it will have to be you. It may be difficult to do without highly offending her, so you have to decide which is more important. You might consider having a heart-to-heart with her, spelling out your frustrations and listening to hers, but in the end, you are the only one who will probably make voluntary changes. It's kind of like the old Nancy Reagan method.;)

clair, I am experiencing almost the identical situation with my mother...I have told my sister straight out that I cannot cope with anything right now and if she feels the need to be moms caretaker then so be it..I know it sounds cold but it's my sanity we're speaking about. I have almost daily episodes of panic and cannot be around any negativity or have anyone place demands on me right now. I too have zero tolerance for even everyday occurances... I wish you well in this transition. for me, I pray this doesn't last long...although at 52 I still get my period...irregular, but I get it...just know you aren't alone.

Hi Claire - fancy meeting you here!! There's probably no easy answer on your situation but I wanted to suggest a book I read - at least I've read some of it. It's called the Wisdom of Menopause by Christiane Northrup, MD. She is kind of a holistic/homeopathic physician. At first I thought the book was a little weird since it started out more on the emotional aspects of menopause and I was more interested in physiology/etc. However I think it made some really good points about the need to take care of yourself and to put yourself first - and that is hard for many women to do because they have lived their whole life as caretakers putting others first. You might find it helpful.

hunter, it's a nice thought not to want to offend her, but I'm damned you see! I don't really care if she's offended or not, since I find her to be very offensive. I don't know about the Nancy Reagan method, but then I never claimed to be Republican either. Dear old mom likes to stir the pot, just to see what flies out. What I don't understand is how she can't see that her behavior isn't helping her cause.

Cindy, how nice that you have someone who wants to step in. My mom has always given one brother and sister a FREE/PASS Go card, and expected me to deal with the hard stuff. You see, my sister ''isn't well'' and the brother is ''self-employed'', whatever that means. As far as how long it lasts...well I'm going on 6 years of menopause, and lately it's been worse. I thought I was getting a handle on it, but I don't think so right at the moment. If we're talking about my mother, well that's lasted my whole life, and I don't see anything changing. Ever. ugh.

Hi Gibby. I've actually read/watched Dr. Northrup (she has a pbs special on menopause that I like and watch periodically) and think she makes a lot of sense. Unfortunately, my mom thinks she needs to be first, as she always has/will, and eliminating stress from her direction would do me a world of good, if I only could! I've started screening my phone calls again, and have decided if I don't know who's calling, I'm not required to answer the phone.

Dear Old Mom told me I was giving her a heart attack and coughed pitifully into the phone to make her point. I told her she can't make me feel guilty. Oh the Drama...I prefer to live completely without it. She wants someone to be available on the other end when ''the phone call'' comes. I should tell her I'll be happy to call my sister and pass the message on. Oh, that's right...I'm not answering my phone!

In an effort to become pro-active in my own health care management, I realized I don't have enough phones around my home with caller ID. I placed my order on-line today in order to maintain my own sanity. Whatever it takes...

I realized recently that many of my relationships come from a place of what I can do for others, without any energy coming back in my direction. I feel like a host plant with sucking energy all around me. Most of these are family related, but in addition, there has been the occasional friend who expects much. As I work to change the balance of other people's expectations about what I can do for them, I realize this is one of the things I am Also Most Intolerant of at this stage of my life.

Does anyone have experience at changing the balance of things (stresses) in their life? What did you do and what kind of change did you produce? Frankly, I'd appreciate some positive examples of necessary change!

Hehe Claire, by the Nancy Reagan method I was saying "Just say no";)

Hmmm, step for positive changes in life. Many of us (women) have an innate tendency to give give give, and we either refuse to take, or our natures find us in a position in which nothing comes our way.

My hormonal nightmare started about 12 years ago and has been on again, off again, and finally seems to be fading and evening out fortunately. I did not make a concerted effort to change the balance of things in my life. I just wanted to not feel like I was living in hell. This was a very long process of changing my mental and emotional responses to stress, and completely revising my attitudes. I'm still working on it, but I have come to see that you really can't be happy until you love and accept yourself, including all the things you may currently view as faults. It is not as simple as changing your habits. It is changing your outlook. That will enable you to say no when you need to and enjoy your life more.