i agree with the posters above...supervised visitation ONLY!! it exists for a reason. also, pull out your calendar and start documenting everything-get copies of the phone bills, cell phone statements, any money that changed hands, when BM called, came over, took the kiddos, anything you can remember and start keeping a journal. also, if you guys are in the habit of texting, type them out and keep a file of them (some cell phone companies can print them off for you, but i think there's a time limit, like only the ones from the past 30 days or so.) keep audio recordings of any voicemails and print off your emails. i've discovered that attorneys and judges love paperwork-and any work you can save your attorney from doing is money saved. also, i would buy a little digital recorder that can be put in your pocket and keep it handy, in your purse or whatever, and record any exchanges of the kids, any more encounters with the ahole boyfriend, etc. if it were me i'd have the cops on the phone the minute he sets foot on your driveway-should he have the balls to show up again. the police are there for a reason. and fill in the school FOR SURE!! you can't be too careful. a judge may grant you emergency temporary custody...probably worth checking into. the one nice thing about the parents that choose to show up three or four times a year (especially if they have a shady past or are participating in stuff that's not completely on the up and up, like drugs, etc.) is that they hate being in the courtroom. she may not even show up and they you'd get custody by default. also, go for the gusto when you petition for custody. physical and legal, all decision making privileges, demand random drug testing, the whole nine yards. that way if she does want to play ball you have some room for negotiation and still get everything you need to keep the kids safe. hope that helps!! good luck!!

antoinette, Many years ago I dated a man who told me he had been married and divorced twice. I accepted this. As the relationship went on he told me he had a daughter and showed me a picture of a very pretty girl. OK. Our relationship, also long distance but not as far as yours, LA to Boston progressed. Unlike yours we saw each other relatively frequently for such a long distance, about a couple of times a month. Even that wasn't really a lot but at least we did see each other. We talked on the phone everyday, sometimes several times a day. We became engaged. He came out for a couple of weeks over the holidays, gave me a ring and we started making wedding plans. I went to Boston and over dinner he sprung two big things, first, that he had been married and divorced THREE times, not just two and that he had very restrictive visitation with his daughter. I soon learned that his 2nd ex-wife had a restraining order against him because he had been violent and had threatened her. Other things soon came out as well like a former gambling problem. Had we lived in the same city most of that would have come to light much earlier. Before long, I broke it off because he had lied, by ommission, about so many things. Who knows what else would have come out after marriage? Long distance relationships are tough because so much is built on trust and there is more than a dash of fantasy to them as well. This man has already told you a wagonload of lies. Big Ones. Thank your lucky stars and move on. This isn't about his kids, at least the four you know about! This is about him.

I don't think that anyone is spying on their children's or step children's phone calls. I, for one, almost always hear my sd's entire conversation with her mom when she calls her because for some unknown reason she feels the need to sit on top of me every time she talks to her. I personally, try to get her to take it to her room which is a useless fight because by the time she listens to me the phone call is usually over. I completely agree that one of the best things you can do is allow your child to think and act for themselves and to be able to stand up for themselves and what they feel is right. However, it is important not to just throw you child out there to wolves before they are ready. If I were the child's father I would have already had a "conversation" with the mother letting her know that what she is doing is unacceptable and it will not proceed any further. The email was a good idea to allow her to get what she wanted out... Maybe a journal would help her as well. I know that for me one of the most theraputic things is to just get what I am thinking out of my head and for some reason seeing it on paper makes it easier to deal with. Have her write in her journal whenever something is bothering her and also after any phone calls with mom that are upsetting. Let her know that it is her private space so she can say or write anything she wants and doesnt have to worry about others reading it. This will also give her another tool for the whole brainwashing thing ... if she writes in the book while her memory is fresh when she does argue with her mom and convinces herself that "maybe she was remembering it wrong" she can look at her journal and say No, I am right this is what happened.

Hate to say it, but I agree you have already been told by this man that he does not want any more children - ever. Though they say vasectomies are reversible, it does not always work. If you want a child of you own in the future, Walk Now. Further more, any bond that you thought you had with this child was that of a care giver and not that of a parent in this child's eyes. Yes he may care of you. But for a child - at the age of 5, to state to you that 'he was talking to daddy and not you', and is already questioning your authority as to being able to give instructions, he is telling you that you are NOT his parent and he knows it. While I agree with others that he is being a boy and wanting to spend time with Dad is natural, these other behaviors are not. This child already is stating that you are an interloper in his eyes and if you have the child work experience you state, you would recognize his behavior as being confrontational. It is so easy to idealize a parent child relationship. It is also easy to idealize the step family - take it from me, most of us Stepparents started out like that! But reality is starting to set in for you. The baby is now starting to grow and things are going to change with him as you are going to deal with him feeling you are taking his Dad away etc. If you stay with this man, I would recommend counseling for the family unit and yourself for the grief you will need to work through for not having your own biological child that you want so badly.