This is a really bad situation. I have suggested before to other posters for them to contact Fathers For Equal Rights. They provide low cost legal advice and references for attorneys. Have your hubby check them out. I bet they can give you some guidance. They have branches all over the USA. I would just Google your local branch or a branch nearby or try going to www.father4kids.com

I think you are going to need more than you have, to get custody from the Mom. Whether with the Mom, or with the Dad, to remove custody from a parent, you almost always have to show some sort of abuse or life threatening neglect. Additionally, with the ages these kids are, your state may allow them to voice their opinion, and actually give their opinion weight in the final determination. As you said yourself, most teens will choose the house, that has no rules! Good luck!!!

I agree that the kids need stability, but the ages of the kids are a concern. Like dogdogcrazy said, teens are more likely to want to stay where they have more freedom. If you said they were asking to live with you, then you might have a better chance.

It almost sounded like you are trying to excuse that he was out of their lives for a number of years until you came along. He chose to do that and you can't fix it. If he's a peace officer, then he has an even better understanding of the laws and judicial system. There's no reason he couldn't have fought for his right to see his kids sooner, except he didn't make it a priority.

While he may be able to provide a better situation now, it's a little late in the game, in my opinion.

There is nothing wrong with spending child support on rent. It costs money, a great deal of money, to put a roof over a child's head.

you are correct theotherside, but it's not right to use the support from one father to support another father's children. If both are paying support, then it is should be assumed that the rent comes from both fathers, not just one. But if only one is paying support, then the children of the father that pays should not suffer because the father of the other children does not pay. If the other father does not pay anything, then the mother should pay more toward the housing costs instead of using child support from the father that pays. How can his children share in his standard of living when she averts some of the money that is meant to use on them, to other children, whose father doesn't support them? I think THAT is wrong.

I have three kids with three fathers. If I get support for any of them (and I have on occasion, never regularly), I might use part to help with the bills, but the child that it's intended for should get more of a benefit, whether it's a new pair of shoes, outfit, spending money or whatever. I have always given them something from it. Like I said, I've never gotten a large sum... usually less than fifty bucks, but they get some kind of direct benefit from it. I usually would say that kids don't need to know about child support issues, but on occasion, I have told my kids when I get any money from their dad that they are getting X because their dad sent some money. Since they never saw their dad, I felt they needed to know that he was at least contributing, even if it was only here or there. I never complained that I didn't get support. That only makes kids feel bad about it.

If you were getting a couple of thousand from one father, and nothing from the other two, would you live in a dump in a horrible neighborhood because the child support should be for that child only? Would you feed that child steak and the other two beans and rice? I am not sure how you would even figure out how much "should" go toward one child if you have children from multiple fathers. It is one thing if it's fifty bucks for a new pair of shoes, but I would think it would be hard to avoid having the unsupported children feel like the poor relations (literally), if there were a huge discrepancy in support amounts, and the supported child lived like a prince. I don't think it would be good for the wealthier child, either.

dogdog-
I think maybe Dad could show neglect in the simple fact that the child became pregnant. Somebody (Mom) was neglecting to properly supervise the child. Not that one can watch a child's every move, but if Dad is looking for something, it seems that might be a biggie. And the steady declining grades and worsening behavior issues *could* be considered a change of circumstances.

However, ninkyt...are you SURE you want to take on this kind of a challenge? It is going to terrifically disrupt your peaceful existence. And given the children's ages, and the fact that dad hasn't been around to offer guidance in so many years, the idea that their behavior will be able to be changed much in the time before they are old enough to be on their own, is pretty slim...in my opinion. You might want to rethink how hard you want to push Dad for a major change at this point....maybe not, but just a thought. I know that on occasion, I get a tiny bit nervous about my SD15 coming to live here....and she's almost as perfect as you can imagine. I can't fathom encouraging my DH to push for the change of custody if she had such serious issues...maybe that's selfish of me, but it's honest. I'm sure I'm gonna get flamed for that one...YIKES!!!

Good luck...you're gonna need it!

I wouldnt flame you for being reticent to push DH for change of custody. That is his decision. What I do think should be noted is that you say your SD is almost as perfect as can be, but you were still nervous re her living with you. I commend you for your honesty, but I do think it should be noted that a SM is not a mom. 99% of moms would not be nervous about an "almost perfect" child living with them. Again, I commend you for your honesty and have to intent to flame you.

oops typo, meant no intent to flame

I think it can be rather tricky having children from different fathers living under the same roof. i cannot imagine that if i would have another child wiht another man and DD's dad gave us money and I would buy nice things for DD but then nothing for the other kid because her/his dad doesn't give a damn. More than likely I would spend child support on rent and my own money on clothes for all the children.

on the other hand my X never ever asked me where CS goes to. He never knew what i did with the money. so why OP worries where CS goes i don't know.

anyways when i read posts like this one i wonder why women have that many kids wiht different men who either do not see the kids or do not help to raise them. or dissapear for years and then demand custody when kids turned out to be messed up. why would anyone want to have kids with this kind of men? and more than one?

I agree with TOS and KKNY-
I would rather the CS from one Dad be spent on all the BM's children than for her to use it on herself. Comingling of funds happens. Rent, food, clothes for kids are all better than BM using that money for designer crap, booze, drugs, partying, whatever.
It is solely up to your DH if he wants custody. You have a right to make rules in your home after the kids live there, but it is no different than if your DH said he didn't want you to have custody of YOUR kids. If my DH ever asked me to give my kids to my ex I would freak, so if he decided that his kids should live with us, that would be his choice.
BTW- what is almost perfect? I wish I had one of those...