Well Blane you do sound very lonely and you do need someone to talk to. I also think you are very patient. To put up with the child in your bed for so many years, is really not an ideal situation.

Perhaps you and your wife should go and see a marriage counsellor ?

Having a child does change your life..I have had two ! But before the child was a marriage and you both need to focus on those times. Children grow up and leave home, then you have the quiet home...where it is just the two of you. Planning for that time is crucial if you are both going to be happy together.

You do sound like a nice chap and I wish you well.

You have taken the right step seeking help and asking for advice.

All the best to you and your family

agree with popi, please see a counselor. if she refuses to go together, go see someone on your own, it could really help you to sort things out. please do not seek affairs, it won't solve anything. i wish you the best...not seeing any affection from your loved ones is very detrimental to your emotional well-being and your self-esteem. hopefully you see a good counselor and they help you to sort it out.

PS children are important, but i don't think staying together for the sake of the kids is worth it. i don't think kids really need their parents to be miserable. life is too short. being single is better than suffer for that many years.

I can tell you right now you need to talk to her about it even if you don't know how. My husband was not an affectionate person and I had to watch him shower affection on every other woman in the family and especially his daughters. I was not on the receiving end of it unless I got upset enough to cry. If he had been my first husband I would not have stayed married to him. With a second marriage I learned to lay down the rose colored glasses and accept my husband as he is. I learn to dwell on the good qualities he had instead of on the ones that bothered me. My marriage was worse than yours, along with his coldness he was very critical of me. I stopped his verbal complaints, but could not stop the looks he gave me. And you definitely need to stop the child from sleeping with you both. If her friends found that out she would never have any peace. I wonder if your wife lets it happen so you can't make love.

Your first clue should have been the child in your marital bed indefinitely. You should have broken that cycle 11 years ago. Can't imagine why you tolerated that so long. However, this may be an entree to that conversation you're so reluctant to have. Now that your wife has a job again and the daughter's out of your bed her cover is blown.

She already knows this conversation is coming. Why make her wait?

My guess is you won't be happy with the result. She'll pull something else out of the hat as a reason to avoid you. With all her previous excuses gone, now, I suspect she's thought up a few new ones to use if/when you finally compel her to engage in this conversation.

I agree with those who recommend marriage counseling. If you try this on your own with the woman you described, she'll wrap you up with a bow on top.

You sound like a nice, caring man in a cold marriage. Please seek out a counselor you are comfortable with, even if your wife won't go. If she doesn't care enough about your marriage to get help with you, you will have to face that fact and go on with your life.

An affair won't help things. On the contrary it will make a huge mess. The time to have a relationship with someone else is if your marriage doesn't work out and you end it.

Your daughter will be fine with or without the marriage. It's your love for her that counts, and how much time you invest being involved in her life.

Deja vu - we seem to be hearing this same situation a lot. What surprises me is that people wait so long to talk to their spouses about it.

Let's say you had a pain in your side or the car was making funny noises; would you wait years to see what's wrong? Don't you want this fixed?

Sounds like the emotional intimacy has been neglected along with the physical... And yes, you two do need to talk about it. It could be that's as hard for your wife to admit and discuss as it apparently has been for you. And it could be she's feeling as lonly and sad about it as you are. Or, maybe she's stone-cold-furious about something, and is withholding sex and affection for that reason. (She may not even be aware of it.) Or that she's scared you don't find her attractive anymore. Or this. Or that... So many possibilities.

I'd suggest you 'court' her all over again. Make plans for your daughter to spend the night with a friend, then take your wife out to a romantic dinner. Gaze into her eyes and tell her you love her. Tell her how much she means to you, and how much your family means to you, and that you would like to enrich your marriage again and recapture the romance you two once shared. See what she has to say and follow her lead.

It may take a little while to work back up to full marital relations, but it can certainly happen if you're willing to take some emotional risks and open yourself up to the possibility of being hurt.

I agree with sweeby, break the ice and bring up the subject, she might be feeling the same way as you are but doesn't know how to fix it.

Sometimes , what is not said weighs more than what is said; at least you'll know where you stand.

It is really not good to have such a response from spouse after so many efforts. Any way I think you may go to a good one therapist. That can guide you well. You may also let your daughter out of home for some days.

I'm in the same boat, minus the child in our bed. Our teenage son has always slept in his own room. Nevertheless, intimacy has been gone for awhile. Once, when I said I wished we could spend more time together, she said: "We're in the same house together," as if that should be sufficient. She busies herself with little things like craft projects - I come somewhere after needlework. Sex is something with which she occasionally goes along, but it doesn't really interest her. I used to try talking about it, but she doesn't see anything wrong. I have finally taken to keeping it inside, but that just becomes resentment. I am bone-lonely, and it's killing me. I believe the worst part is that nothing I do changes anything. I have always been a giver: I do the cooking, taking care of much of the housework, the cars, the yard, etc. When I try to be affectionate, she responds as though she's following a script.

this story mirrors my marriage in many ways. I am in my early 50's and my wife is 46. She says she loves me but I feel doubt in that. Like you, I wish my wife would be intimate with me but she refuses. In my heart I do not want to leave her because I love her deeply. I feel hurt, angry, confused and used. So , believe me, you are not alone. What really stinks for me is I have no friends where I live that I can talk to or confide in.

Regretful, sounds like a mirror of my relationship too, but alas my Partner also has an illness that totally stops and thought of intimacy :(

Go enjoy yourself pal

‘Honey, there’s something you need to know, it’s been bothering me for quite a while...’ I just broke the ice for you Blane, go ahead and talk to your wife, I’m sure she’ll understand.