How do you keep your marriage happy?

clubm

18 years ago

Share some of your secrets to keeping a marriage happy:

Sort by:Oldest

Comments (36)

Happy_Go_Lucky_Gayle
18 years ago
I'm not married, but I have lived with the same man for 12 years....with a 1 year break while I took care of my Mom and Brother.

We are together 24/7 and have been for most of the Relationship. We worked in Legal Mediation together. And later worked 2 business's from home.

We entertain or go out at least 3-4 times a week. Laughter is our key to happiness. Good Friends and (mostly) normal responsible grown kids. Seven between the two of us.

We don't hang out with any one who is a Negative Soul. We had one friend that was like that, he got mad because we didn't invite him out on one occasion and we haven't seen or heard from him since.

Live...Love...Laugh

Gayle
Pieonear
18 years ago
I think it goes a long way if you treat your mate as you wish to be treated.
Related Discussions
How do you keep your bougies blooming?
Q
Comments (37)
I pruned them back in the spring once, but decided not to do it again since it took them longer to start blooming and all summer to grow back the long stems. I just tie them up so things are less crowded in the green house and cut the ties after I set them back on their stands. There will be a few broken and dead stems which are trimmed and some that might be the way of something else and those I trim, but not otherwise. Every three or four years in the spring I lay the 2 or 3 gallon pots on their sides before untying, unpot them, and dig out all the soil I can from the roots. Then new potting soil (I like Miracle-gro) is pressed down into the roots. Lava rock is put on the surface as a mulch and to keep the soil from splashing out when watered. Occasionally it's seen that the soil has receded so I take out the lava rock and press more potting soil into the pot. Bougies are thorny so gloves with long cuffs are helpful when doing these little operations. Bougies and phlox provide more color in the garden than anything else I have. Wishing you all the very best with them. Happy gardening! (If there are other questions that I might be able to answer just ask :-)
...See More
Update to How Do You Keep Your Mouth Shut?
Q
Comments (30)
I didnt come back earlier to clarify my comments and respond, bcs I wasnÂt making myself that clear, I didn't think I could do it well enough to get you to understand me, and I honestly thought it was best just to let it die. But since this has been revived, IÂll try. IÂve come off looking like a completely different kind of snob than I am. HereÂs one thing in my own life that makes me think "who you know" influences you in ways one doesnÂt think about. I didnÂt join a sorority in collegeÂit never OCCURRED to me. Why not? Bcs I didnÂt know anyone whoÂd ever been part of one. However, kids I went to school with, didÂand in fact, assumed everyone would. Bcs in their circle, it was something the grownups around them had done. So in that way, I learned that the attitudes, jobs, leisure activites, interests, hobbies, etc., are influenced by who youÂre around as a kid. I think lots of people experience something like this, and that influences why they pick a certain neighborhoodÂthey want to influence what sort of circle their kids are surrounded by. My first point is that the people mentioned who pick their neighborhood according to the income level and perceived "type of people" who live there, are approaching neighborhoods as an* aggregate.* That fact that inside a crummy neighborhood there are great people is beside the point. They're picking a neighborhood, not individuals. When I was a kid, I lived in a town w/ 3 levels of housing: crummy, medium, and rich. It was a small townÂ1,500 peopleÂso I knew the people who lived in each type of housingÂI went to school w/ their kids, delivered their paper, heard about their activities outside their homes (clubs, work, arrests, manners or lack of, spending patterns, etc.) I was a kid, so I didnÂt know ALL the details, but I knew the broad strokes of many peoplesÂ lives. The actual people that I knew who lived in the crummy housing were often (not always, but often): - badly organized (as evidenced by their front lawns, side lawns, and garages, as well as by their work history, which I knew), - not particularly visionary in terms of where they wanted to go w/ (as evidenced by their choice of profession, attention to educationÂhigh school, training, or even collegeÂwhich was known to me, bcs the people were known to me) - not particularly reliable (as evidenced by their work history and spending patterns) - more likely to have unstable personal relationships or tempers (in fact, though I mentioned stealing, I probably shouldnÂt have--the biggest reason I wouldnÂt hire someone from the crummy housing in my hometown is that most of the ones I knew anything about were unreliable, sloppy, and inconsiderateÂtheyÂd leave the paint can on the lawn, or be more likely to spill it all over the grass, or something, bcs they donÂt think itÂs a problem. And yes, the workers from the crummy housing in my home town were the ones most likely to get arrested for pilfering or stealing or fighting or driving drunkÂwe read the arrest records and conviction records in the newspaper. The ones from the non-crummy housing didnÂt have these problems.) These things existed in the medium and rich housing as well, but not as often, and not as severe. Or not as publicly, so I didnÂt notice it. I had some really good friends in the crummy housing (who were also someof the things above, but my friends nonetheless), but there were plenty of kids from the crummy housing that I avoided. (and I avoided the rich kids, too, bcs they were mean) So while on an individual basis, I was happy to be friends w/ specific kids who lived in crummy housing, I wouldnÂt have chosen to surround myself with all the families in that income level. Which is what you do when you live in a neighborhood. So I felt early on thatÂespecially at the extreme lower endÂwhere you live can often be a reflection of what you are like. The housing is not what makes someone badly organized or not visionary about their own life; but it can be the RESULT of being badly organized, not reliable, or whatever. (not must, *can*--and if you're from a crummy neighborhood and having vision about your life, you're part of proving my point--are you going to STAY in that neighborhood?) When a person picks a neighborhood, they have to take it (at first) as a whole. ThatÂs how neighborhoods are experienced. And many of us could agree that it doesnÂt take that many unpleasant people to make a neighborhood tough to live in. In the very low end of housing, the chances of getting such people increases. It was only in the crummy housing of my hometown and my college town that I EVER heard anyone yell swear wordsÂat their own 4-year-old!!!--across the lawn (I sometimes swear in certain circles, but only once have I ever sworn in public, and IÂm still mortified by itÂscreaming the F word in front of little kids and tons of adults on a subway platform is not something I admire, and I donÂt need to apologize for it; and I donÂt want my kids to spent time in the home of an adult who would do that, I donÂt care how nice their kids are, and IÂd worry about how their kids would act, esp. since those particular kids, weÂd just met). If I know about a contractor who lives in crummy housing, and I know he does great work, IÂll hire him no matter where he livesÂthatÂs treating an individual like the specific individual. But if I DONÂT know anything about him, and he lives in crummy housing, IÂm gonna be real cautious. Because IÂll be afraid that the things that put him in crummy housing, could also make him a crummy contractor. ThatÂs treating an individual like a member of a group, trueÂbut itÂs only because I donÂt know anything about him. But if someone is buying a house and picks a neighborhood because they think a certain type of people is likely to live there, thatÂs treating a group like a group. They donÂt have time to consider all the individuals as individuals. And, theyÂre NOT EVALUATING individuals; theyÂre evaluating an aggregate experience. What happens for folks Carina talked about, who want to move into ever-richer neighborhoods, is that they take this idea and apply it at all levels. Unfort., I donÂt think it works in the middle. Once you get beyond the lower levels, it stops applying. In fact, the place IÂm REALLY a snob is at the top: you might get me to live in a poorer neighborhood than IÂd like (and IÂd be extra alert to which neighbors in that neighborhood I wanted to spend any time with). But you could NOT get me to live in Chappaqua, NY, or any other highly affluent neighborhood. I hear things that happen there that are worse than any "swearing on the lawn" or "ridiculing college graduates" or even "getting arrested for stealing your arch-enemy's battery to get even." Plus, my early prejudice is that while poor kids might be less visionary and harder to live around, rich kids are MEAN. Oh, IÂve liked *some* rich kids from my home town, now that theyÂre grown up (and IÂm grown up). As for the idea that where you live might send a message to your boss, I know this to be true at the higher levels. I have an uncle who got a job as a CFO of a national company here in NYC; when he moved here to take that job, he looked very carefully at which neighborhood he picked, because he knew his business peers would too. In the middle levels of housing, and of socio-economic standing, I donÂt think these things apply. (and so I shouldn't have expressed worry about a GC who lived in a lower-middle-class neighborhood; it's the lowest-income neighborhood that would worry me) But I can understand the logic of people who think they do. I don't agree w/ them, but I understand how they get there. THAT was what I was trying to say. That my experiences at the extreme edges leads me to understand what logic they're applying to the situation. Also, not wanting to live in a certain income level doesnÂt mean you have CONTEMPT for the folks in that neighborhoodÂit just means you want to live somewhere else. IÂve probably just dug myself in deeper and made you all think IÂm much more of a snob than I am. But I tried.
...See More
How do you keep your style young as you age?
Q
Comments (37)
loribee, I finally got a chance to snap and upload some living room photos. Here is the after, which I just love: In the second photo, the Pier One table has the small lamp and Jerusalem Pottery on it. That, and the sofa pillows and rug are the only purchase I made. (sorry I didn't straighten up the throw pillows before taking the picture,) I am not going to "stick" something on the wall over the table. I am going to look over the next year or 2 and try to find something, maybe on vacation next year. Good news is the old boiler thermostat was there. Last year we put in new AC, and they moved all the controls upstairs. So I finally got to yank off and patch the wall where that was. It drove me crazy trying to hide it with something. I couldn't find any good pictures of the before. But before the TV was where the Pier One table is now. So the sofa was between the 2 french doors (and it was too long to look good there). And the leather club chairs and ottomon were on the front window wall. Very awkward to watch TV, because you were not facing it, and had to turn your head. It was hard to see the fireplace, and the room was lined up like a bowling alley. And it had a very large very burgundy rug that just sucked up the light from the north-facing room with 1 window. I honestly can't believe that this looks and feels and functions so much better just by making these small changes. And in case anyones is wondering, the cabinet holding the TV is a sideboard. We removed the lower drawer, drilled a hole through the back for cords, and put the cable box and internet through there.
...See More
How do you keep your oven glass sparkly clean?
Q
Comments (51)
Easy-Off Fume Free is still very caustic/toxic. Just because you can't smell it doesn't mean it's free from harm. There are a number of reasons that it can't be sold in Europe (or many Asian countries?). Besides the health risks while actually using it, a good bit of the chemicals likely remain on oven surfaces for a considerable time after cleaning and likely get in to the foods cooked in them. And these are mostly chemicals that cannot be burned off. More: https://www.ewg.org/cleaners/products/1059-EASYOFFFumeFreeOvenCleaner/ --- @cat_ky and @porkchop_z5b_MI, the coating that a fatted roast produces in ovens does not impart any flavor, it actually reduces flavor interference from the coatings used for new ovens which is why good chefs so often do it. It's fascinating that people are OK with caustic chemicals in their food but not food in their food.
...See More
good36
18 years ago
Respect..... which goes both ways. With respect everything else will fall into place!
ilovechocolate
18 years ago
Married almost 25 years. We laugh alot; my DH is very funny. Respect each other, and don't take the other for granted. Continual affections of love like a pat on the butt, whisper in the ear, sneak a hug from behind, etc. shows that you care and makes your partner feel loved between those "intimate" times. I love chocolate (hence my user name), and once in awhile he'll bring me home a little sweet just because. That tells me he was thinking of me.

We take care of each other. Communications is very important, but all in all, respect is the number one key, in my opinion. I see couples all the time that have lost respect for one another. When that goes, they tend to bicker about every little thing, then bickering leads to arguments, and so on.

Oh, one last thing, giving each other space in the relationship is essential. When we want to do our own thing, we do, without grief from the other half.
kimmie5
18 years ago
Respect, loyalty , honesty and open communication is needed.
And allow the other to be a real person, with worth!
jannie
18 years ago
Always have something to look forward to. Make plans together. I just booked a package of a romantic dinner, night in a hotel and breakfast for Valentines Day with my DH of 29 years. It's going to cost us $200 but well worth it in my opinion!
lindyluwho
18 years ago
We have been married 25 years and Ilovechocolate said exactly what I was going to say so just sign my name to what she said.

Linda
caflowerluver
18 years ago
A sense of humor and compromise has got us to our 30th. And I agree about honesty, communication and letting each have their own space. You don't have to be attached at the hip.
Clare
lunchlady1948
18 years ago
Respect, love, laughter, space, little riturals that we share. It is our habit no matter what to have coffee and breakfast in the morning while reading the paper even if we have to get up early to do it. That is our gossip time :)

Dr Laura and Dr Phil both say~~get up everyday and ask yourself what can I do today to make my partner happy? I believe that and it works! My DH does that for me too he makes me feel safe, cared for and happy every day, even if I get grumpy at him once in awhile.
ronf_gw
18 years ago
All of the above is great advice.
The only piece I can add is something Mom said years ago.
"A successful marriage is 90% give and 10% take."
Ron
monica_pa Grieves
18 years ago
You can't keep your marriage happy, there will always be ups and downs. I was married for over 35 years, and found that it's how you handle them that define a marriage. If you handle them together, and rememember the difference between love and like...you'll have a strong marriage.
workoutlady
18 years ago
I agree with all of the above. But I have to add, I am now an empty nester and we were just talking about kids and marriage the other day. We both said the smartest thing we did for our marriage and probably the kids is to not let the kids come between the couple no matter what. You have to keep a united front, so to speak. Now that we are empty nesters, we are renewing things we liked to do before kids and are now finding new things to do together.
kayjones
18 years ago
My husband died last April - we were together 20 years, married two of those years. Communication, be it good or bad, was what kept our relationship going. It was always fun making up after a disagreement, and it was always fun celebrating when we agreed. Yep, that was it - having lots in common and celebrating everything!
des_arc_ya_ya
18 years ago
We will be married 20 years on Wednesday. Twinkie was married twice before and I was married once before. We both know what it's like to be in a troubled marriage and we know how lucky we've got it! I tell people that we are "very kind to each other". We try to protect what we've got. Also, it helps that we are so much alike and are two basically caring people.

I think a lot of times people in first marriages take waaay too much for granted, if it's good. That, in itself, can cause problems, dissatisfaction, etc.
kickypants
18 years ago
He works alot and knows that I'm always right!
kathi_mdgd
18 years ago
We'll celebrate our 50th anniversary in April.So i agree with all that has already been said ,and will add,you each should have a hobby or 2,and give each other space.We both do things together,have some mutual couple friends,but we also have some friends that are unattached for whatever reason.

Dh goes out almost once a week to the movies and chinese dinner with his best bud,and i go to lunch with my girl friends.I'm not much of a movie goer,and Chinese isn't one of my favorite foods.So this way we both get out,and enjoy what we like,that the other doesn't.Then of course he and i go out to eat together.We've been retired now for ,10 yrs for me and 9 for him.

We both do a lot of gardening also.
Kathi
lulie___wayne
18 years ago
The first few words that comes to my mind immediately is love, respect, honesty, and forgiveness.
We've been married for 35 years. We've endured good times and bad, but we TRULY loved each other when we married and the love has endured many ups and downs in these 35 years. If we hadn't truly loved each other to begin with, it would have been easy to throw in the towel when times got tough as they always do in marriages that lasts that long
Respect, honesty and forgiveness usally fall into place with love there. There are times of course, that we have gotten off track, but the love remained and it was easy to get back on the track and move on.
Lulie
susanjf_gw
18 years ago
weds is #38...determination, choice, and family...of course love is part of it but not the whole...
jannie
18 years ago
My Mom told me "Marriage isn't 50-50. It's 100-100."
summer_tx
18 years ago
Spot on advice from the above posters. They left me nothing to add. Hope it helps you clubm.
sandy_in_ia
18 years ago
Respect. Consideration. 80-20 for BOTH! Communication.

I think you have to WANT to have a happy marriage. If you don't care...it won't be happy. And, if you expect to be wine & roses every day...you are living a fairytale. But, those hard days should make it better on the good days.
sandy_in_ia
18 years ago
Surprise spontaneity (oxymoron?) and most of all LOVE. (DH and I were talking about this after I answered.)
kathyg_in_mi
18 years ago
All ways answer, "Yes dear, you're right again".
Kathy G in MI, married 37 years
intherain
18 years ago
We've been married 21 years and I agree with all of the above! We have had many ups and downs, but have become closer as we've been married longer. Respect is very important.

Sheryl
mrsmarv
18 years ago
My very wise mother told me, "The perfect mate is someone whose flaws you can live with."

That's some of the best advice I have ever received.
bigack
18 years ago
We have a lot of fun, teasing, hugging, being silly, etc. We're very affectionate. Plus all of the above! 42 years and counting.
olgaflowers
18 years ago
Not lose myself in the process.
Olga,
joyfulguy
18 years ago
We were together for 11 years.

Apart - and scarcely spoke - for 32 years.

She, retired early as head of food service in a major psych. hosp., contracted colon cancer (major irony!), departed this dimension of living nearly 3 years ago.

In the early years of our marriage, in a far country, I think that she felt somewhat abandoned ... that I took her for granted.

Maybe felt so badly frozen that she feared to trust, later.

For some of you whose marriage may be rocky at times, put some major effort into repairing it, healing the wounds.

It's worth major effort.

ole joyful
patti43
18 years ago
Lust helps, too! ;-o
firemanswife
18 years ago
Acting like kids together. I think if you can act like kids together it makes growing older together a lot easier. Plan picnics, go on hot dog roasts, sleep on the trampoline all these fun things take the stress out of everday life.
judy_jay
18 years ago
I'll be married 41 yrs. in Sept. We don't have a perfect marriage (is there such a thing?) but we have a lot of things in common & always have since we got married. Having a sense of humor always helps & gets you through a lot. Having respect for one another & putting the other person first are very important. Marriage is a contract & each party has to think of the "other side" every single day.
bigbaby
18 years ago
This is a good question. One of the hardest parts for me is not getting scared when our relationship changes, as all relationships do as they mature. So trust has been really important and one reason I picked Ron--because I knew I could trust him. Being older when we married helped, too, because we knew what we wanted. I wouldn't say that I know the key to a happy marriage, but you'll never know if you give up and we wouldn't even dream of it. Being flexible has also been really important. Being supportive and non-judgmental is what I try to do by never throwing his past problems or shortcomings back into his face. Don't say mean things!!
rosemaryt
18 years ago
MrsMarv, my husband said *exactly* the same thing to me as your mother told you: "The perfect mate is someone whose flaws you can live with."

I've been married 25 years - 24 the first time and 16 months the second time. :) I agree, it's a lot easier to be married to someone that respects you and treats you well. My husband is so devoted to making our marriage happy - it's an amazing (and joyous) thing to behold.

Rose
Toni S
18 years ago
I'm the baby here, today is our 20th anniversary. We didn't plan a thing for it other than dh made breakfast for me to eat in bed and I'll make his favorite meal as well. I think remembering the small stuff makes me just as happy as doing something big together. Little things throughout the days. Dh didn't start out thinking that way, I sorta filled him in as time went by. We both see the benefits of remembering the small stuff. I try to compliment him more these days. We trust each other always and although we respect each other there have been a few times I question his thought process (as he has mine at times! lol). We NEVER call each other bad names when we're upset and try to stand as a solid front for the kids. There are so many things to keep a marriage happy. I just hope that my kids can look back on these years and say, they were good together. I always wanted to make up a book for my kids. "what to look for in a future mate and what questions to ask first" .

For the life of me I'll never understand why someone stays in a horrible relationship forever.

As a few people here have found, love was blind the first time around. Mr. Right was to come later. I'm happy for you.
czech_chick
18 years ago
Yell at each other only if the house is on fire!
country_bumpkin_al
18 years ago
I think it depends on your definition of "happiness" and what it takes to make you happy! I never depended on my husband to MAKE me happy...that wasn't HIS job! Good thing too...or I'd probably have fired him within the 1st 5yrs.!LOL
We've been married 39yrs.this past Oct. I was 18yrs.old to the day...we married on my 18th birthday, and he was 19! We might have been young..but we both went into it with no great expectations or visions of fairytales...just love, commitment..and very little else! Like a lot of the others have said...we've had good times and we've had bad times..that's just life..married or not! There were times when I wasn't "happy" with something he did or said and vice versa..but we both knew the bad times would pass. Maybe he didn't always do,act or say what I wanted him to..but neither did I. Somewhere along the line, I realized if it was so hard for me to change ME...I didn't stand a chance of changing HIM..and why would I want to. He was still the same man/boy I'd fell in love with and married. I guess for me..I've always been CONTENT and for me that means happy...and I think it's the same for him!

But, if you think you aren't happy..there's nothing like a LUNG CANCER diagnoses to make you RE-think your thinking! Amazingly..you can find happiness in the smallest of things after that. Yeah...there's been times in these almost 40yrs. that I've thought about what my life would be like without him and there were times it actually looked pretty good. Now..that thought scares the hell out of me!

How do you keep your marriage happy?

Comments (36)

Related Discussions

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US