In our first years of marriage, we were having it all the time, and then, it settled down to once or twice a month.. That was "not" enough for me, so we finally came to terms with a compromise. We now do it at least once or twice a week. My compromise was, I wouldn't go find it somewhere else, and his was, he wouldn't give it out to someone else... ha.ha.ha.ha.!!!! ( just kidding )

LOL vicki

when we arnt too tired, or working opposite shifts, most of the time we can get to it once or twice a month.

My marriage mirrors Vicki's. We're in our 50's and still enjoy each other alot. It started to slack off in our early 40's and I had to speak up and tell my DH that I wanted and expected more. In my first marriage, sex wasn't near as good, just 'ok'. I can see it getting to be a problem. In my first marriage, I could take it or leave it and actually didn't look forward to it much at all. But with my DH now, I still look forward to it after 22 yrs and couldn't imagine having to settle for less. I so glad and feel very lucky that we have a strong attraction to each other.

It depends on what's going on, but it's settled into about 3-4 times/week.
Ruby

As often as I can sweet talk her into it..........usually a few times a week.

Wow.. Ruby... SETTLED into?? ha.ha.. You is a lucky girl.. :-))

Well Kevin... You "keep" sweet talkin... Obviously it must be working.. :-))

(vicki's going to have another talk with DH now) ha.ha.... kidding.. kidding... :-)

Waddles....if you don't enjoy doing it... then you need to talk to him....tell him what feels good....He can't know what you like if you don't tell him....and boy you are really missing out....There is LOTS of fun and GOOD FEELINGS to be had...I have been having lots of good feelings for 36 (almost) now ....and even thought my body tries to tell me I'm not in the mood...He knows what to do to tell it, it doesn't know beans....and waalaa another night of fireworks...

Woooo just thinking about it....think I'll go give him a big smooch and see what's up....hehehe

Patti

We have had some problems only because I would have pain when we would have intercourse. To make a long story short, I FINALLY went to the DR. with this problem and we are working on it. He knows the problem and he would also get frustrated and I do understand that. We have started the "cure" and it seems to be working after two weeks and I told him thank you for sticking through this with me and he said that meant everything to him when I said that. He said even if this isn't the cure as long as I am trying to fix it that is all he wants. So hopefully things will get better and what I am doing is the answer.

Lol I see I wrote 36.....just 36...That's years...36 years the 28th of this month...

Waddles, but is he still using it as a weapon against you? Not talking to you because you don't want to have sex is not exactly the nicest response, especially if it causes you physical pain! I had that problem and find it's more difficult if I don't relax. But then you have to be in the right frame of mind in order to relax, not just be doing it to satisfy him. But then, your problems are probably more deeply rooted than that, judging from your last post.

Haven't had it in 10 months and counting. Married 5 years and even the lawn is more important to him than sex. He's on high blood pressure meds and we operate a farm and have a toddler...oh and he snores real bad so we don't sleep in the same bed. I have given up.

Phyllis - he may be using it but it is mostly frustration, something that he cannot go and buy the fix or fix it himself. I actually would rather know that something is bothering him and even if he has to show it that way then keep it bottled up inside and let it really blow later on. We have had many talks about this and he knows that I need to relax and will allow me to try anything to enjoy it, if it is breathing, concentrating on something else, having a few drinks before or whatever. He is just a really physical person and loves to be hugged and kissed all the time so me always pulling back is sort of a rejection to him. I understand that he gets hurt about it and he understands my situation. It all comes down to what are we going to do to better the situation and that is where we are now.

Wow.. Tracy.. How can you handle that? I know it has to have already gotten to you by now??? Your self esteme, your constant feelings of loneliness?? I really feel for you.. what is the problem do you think?

isn't it interesting, that, before marriage....the man wants it as often as he can get it.
after marriage he gets into the mood less and less......
wonder why???
cause the ladies want it more and more........

Funny, Linda - it's just the opposite in my situation. Oh well.

Oh, about 3 or 4 times. Sometimes less, sometimes more, sometimes much more. Depends on what is going on. If it were up to me we would have a lot more of those "much more" weeks. If there are any complaints about frequency going on they are coming from me and I am wanting more. Poor guy, but he knew what he was getting into when we got married. looking at my sisters, I guess it runs in the family.

Kay.

Whenever he can catch me. LOL.

Honestly, though. With all we have on our plates, we still make "time" about 3 or 4 times a week. And it seems like at least once a week, we pull allnighters. THose are the fun ones.

It depends on what's happening in our life, stress is the major wildcard.

Hey, I'm 58, he's 65. Once a month, If he's lucky, lol. I have no desire for it at all, am on several meds. Luckily, he doesn't fuss about it much.

With us, it used to be that he wanted to do it about 3-4 days a week and I didn't feel like it that much, I would usually want it right after my period ended for the month, about a 1 week "sex" interval. If he was lucky, maybe once in between! Now... he and I have both lost weight, him more than Me :(, although, I'm very proud of him, it seems to have boosted my libido and inhibited his. Geez, can we ever get on the same wavelength??! I feel like doing it every day now, and he rolls over and wants to sleep! GRRR, what's up with that? He says he's stressed about his job, hates it, worries about making quota etc.... Any advice? We've been married 13 years.

I know it's been over 2 yrs now.Not that I don't think about it,started out with our last child being born critically ill 5 and a half yrs ago.Constant hosp. stays,middle of the night checks to make sure he was ok,meds all day and doctor visits.I was stressed and exhausted,he was always gone to work or doing odd jobs on side to help with med expenses.So things just kinda got off track and it's become a habit.Now that I've gained extra weight from being depressed I don't feel attractive anymore.He never says anything at all just goes with the flow.Also he's a great man but he has some habits that make it kinda hard for me to be attracted to him .He's not gross mind you but he's so easy going that he doesn't put much effort into the grooming issue.He showers,shaves(half-ass),never wears cologne,hardly ever combs hair just sticks a cap on his head with work clothes and he's set to go.I get sick of trying to groom him.So it's a sad thing when 2 people go thru this much and have a bond but no real attraction for each other.( at least on my side,he makes little gestures but I don't reciprocate really).This sounds really bad I know.

Wow...I'm reading all these, 2-3 times a week. Knowing I could never be able to do that. I struggle trying to get to 2-3 times per year.

Usually try for once a week or so. I would like it more but He is a teacher and I currently work evenings and get home at Midnight. Things will get tougher, we are expecting our first in June:), so we must be doing something right.

Hey, try 3-4 times a year!
Well, had the relationships before marriage that seemed to be based on you know what. Now, the love of my life has a deteriorating lower back (someday will have to get it fused), split cushion pads behind both knees, overweight. I used to feel low esteem from not doing it but for myself, I realised sometimes I think we both did it because we felt we had to.
I love my relationship with my husband. He is very loving in many other ways that mean so much to me. I have never been a great sleeper and I have mentioned when we do move into a bigger house, I WANT MY OWN ROOM. So I don't keep the two of us awake. I don't see it as a failure in marriage or a problem. He felt upset at first but I said - what's the problem? We don't do it hardly at all and we keep each other awake.
Call me nuts but I would not want to be with anyone else in my life. I love my husband. He is my best friend, my confidant, the person I want to grow old with, hold hands with and have a good laugh we. We seldom fight and when we do it always seems there is a real issue bothering one of us that needs to really be TALKED about and we do talk.
I have had the relationships based on one thing only - in the long haul they never lasted. For some they do, for me I needed more. Someone I could LIVE WITH who CARED ABOUT ME and not their needs.
It's different for everyone. I saw a TV show where a couple were on, exactly like myself and husband - the guest shrink thought they were nuts to be together. The couple thought he was nuts because they were both very happy, for a LONG TIME. I agree with the couple.
Love takes on many colours. Mine is a rainbow of sharing.
If you need something from the other - talk about it. IF the other takes and you aren't happy - talk about it. Life is never 50/50. That's what makes it fun and challenging.
All my best to everyone,
McPeg

As often as possible -- sometimes that means 2x per DAY and sometimes that means 2x per MONTH! Sex is very important to us because it is another wonderful bond we share and a means of showing our love for each other. I'm one of the lucky ones to be married to my best friend, and after 5+ years of being married, his smile still gives me butterflies ...

I'm reading all of these answers that completely debunk the myth that men want it all the time and women never do... hmmm! Here, I thought it was just me. My husband and I are on different clocks, he gets up early, has a very physical job and is a morning person. I stay up late, work evenings and am a night person.

We don't do it often enough for my desires because he gets up so early to go to work and I am up too late for him. If I do say anything about wanting "it" he says he is just too tired he "works a hard physical job" (true, but I get tired of hearing it).

We went through a rough patch in our marriage when I got NO attention from him at all (physical or emotional). We were expecting a baby at the time and I tried to get him just to connect with me in any way. He interpreted my needs as me "bothering" him for sex constantly (I just wanted to be close, not really have sex). Anyhow, when he accused me of just wanting sex all the time I quit bothering him. We got over our rough patch but I still have trouble initiating or making known my desires for sex. I still haven't initiated sex in over 4 years... needless to say I don't get it unless he wants it!

Wow, I sound bitter don't I? I should mention that I love my husband and he is a wonderful man, a superb father and I wouldn't trade him for the world. He is thoughtful, caring and loves me more than anything, I know that 100%!!

I can't imagine doing it every day... we have been TTC this month and it's just been overkill! LOL He teaches all day and basically we live with t he kids, so he's very tired. And then there's graduate school. During this past couple days we were lucky if we could stay awake long enough to accomplish anything. LOL

Every day? Maybe when I was 20, lol. A couple times a week is pretty good. It does get better as you get older. More quality instead of that urgency........

We are more like the last 3 posters -- it usually averages once a week. Yes, my DH would love it to be more often! It always seems to be me that says "not tonight...." We are finally realizing that mornings might be better than evenings, since he likes to stay up so late and I am trying to go to bed earlier. No matter how often we "do it," I do know that I love my DH more than anything, and we are best friends.

I have no idea when the last time was but I know it's been over 3 yrs.We have a DS that just turned 6 this month and he has alot of health issues so our priorities are different from some peoples.I saw a counselor awhile back that tried to convince me that this was unhealthy and we should make some very drastic changes in order to make our relationship more "normal".To me normalcy has nothing to do with how often a couple is intimate.I could be married to Tom Selleck and I still wouldn't change a thing.Now I never said I don't think about sex it's just not a priority right now.

Here it is April and we have only done it 5 times this year. We were just married in July, so it's a little frustrating..... :-(

I am amazed at the men who don't want it. I have never had a relationship with a man that didn't want it everyday if he could. Dh would go twice a day if I would cooperate.

I also think there is a difference in doing it for my pleasure, or doing it to for his. For me it's probably weekly (season makes a difference), for him it's two or three times a week. Needless to say he is much faster and while I don't have the ultimate satisfaction, I still enjoy the physical intimacy.

We've been together for eight years and married for two.

It's become such a bummer - only married 10 months. Just before the wedding, sex was becoming infrequent & he was the only one getting any satisfaction. When I tried to suggest things that I like, he got upset & sex became even less frequent. We didn't even have sex on our wedding night.
I love my husband very much, but this is very frustrating. He's every thing else I've wanted in a mate, but he doesn't seem to care whether I get any satisfaction or not. Has been almost a year since I last had a orgasm.
He doesn't want to talk about it & would be very upset to find that I had talked to anyone - so there's no way I'm going to get him to a counselor.
I've tried the soft music, fireplace & fuzzy rug; the warm oil massages; the strawberries & whipped cream; the warm candlight bath, etc. He just does what he needs to & that's the end of it.
He sure wasn't like that when we met & dated. We're both in our 40's, so it's not like we're beginners.
Where do I go from here?

A schedule!!??? I've never heard of such a thing.

i gave up. before xmas

I am serously wondering the same - where do I go from here? Do I want to spend the rest of my life without regular or interesed! sex???? What does marriage mean????
I love my hubby but sex toys are starting too look like fun!

Not ashamed, just lonely,
McP

I got married at the end of May. What's sex again?

and what is wronge with sex toys..............

Boy has this thread been dragging!
1. There is NO TIME LIMIT on sex NOR SHOULD THERE EVER BE.
2. Is he/she your best friend, you enjoy being with, miss when they go, love when they return?
3. If you don't, for a long, long time (in my case almost a year - partly me) - does it mean you don't love each other or just don't feel like it?
4. Do you honestly love the other person?
5. Is sex more important to you above everything else?

You know the honest answers. If you are truly unhappy, talk. Go to a doctor. Is there a medical concern that could be treated? Are you both having different levels of need. Do you need sex or just being close?

What is love, true love when the person you are with is your best friend and someone you want to grow old with.

There are no right and no wrong answers. Everyone is different, every situation is different. What can you and your partner live with and be happy with?

It's different for everyone.

LOL to all,

McPeg

Wow...sex can both create a great deal of pleasure and cause a great deal of pain.

A lack of sex was what brought an end to my 10 year marriage. For the first five years, the frequency went from once a week down to twice a month to once every two months. For the three following years, it was twice a year, and only once a year in the final two years. Like several others who have posted, I had a husband who was not interested in sex. I tried MANY times to talk to him about it and he always insisted he was just tired or stressed. This got a little old after a while considering that we did not have children, and his job was really not that stressful (he worked for a family business). I was terribly lonely at times and felt like I had a room-mate, not a husband. I finally divorced him because the frustration and lonliness became to difficult to bear and he simply refused to open up to me. Believe it or not, I felt less lonely on my own than I had felt being married to him, knowing he had no interest in me.

I am surprised with the "lack of sex" posts that nobody has brought up the temptation to go elsewhere. All I have to say on that subject is DON'T do it. I was faced with that temptation (and believe me, it was huge). Looking back now, two years later, I am so glad I did not give in to it. It is difficult enough to end a marriage and start your life over without the "muddiness" of an affair. Ending a marriage is a decision that requires a clear head and no external influence. I think it's the only way to be sure you are making a decision that is right for you, not just one that feels good at the time. Just my two cents for those of you considering the option.

We've been married 28 years, and we were doing it three or four times a week when we were in our twenties, and now it's once or twice a week now we're in our fifties. Menopause killed off my sex drive, and my husband's general energy level is such that he is often too tired by bedtime to be interested.

After 7 years, I can say that it is an average of twice per week. Now, this is just an "average" because sometimes its more sometimes its definitely less but we definitely do not have a schedule.

This thread is OLD; but I had never read it. I think sex is crucial in a marriage of any length, the lack of it makes it even more crucial; I find that for DH and I, what works best is planning sex as an activity in our day ( we are both intense planners). For example, we'll consult early on saturday and plan it for a time that is mutually convenient or else bring it forward to another day. I fall asleep on the couch at night so just before dinner is a perfect time for me, I'm awake and alert and ready to relax- being empty nesters makes it easier to plan our cuddling.

I know this does not seem spontaneous, but as you get older, waiting for spontaneous might mean waiting too long... lol.....

When the kids were younger, if we happened to be alone in the house at whatever time it was, we'd do it- carpe diem, seize the day or in this case, seize the moment. Leave the paintbrush on the bucket, the painting can wait....

Waiting until bedtime is the worse thing, imo..... specially as you get older.....

slowed way down to 2 to 3 times monthly. my wife just likes the main course no foreplay and if their happens to be some its all for her.we have been married for 12 plus years each on our 2nd time around.i find myself loosing interest also.

Don't get me wrong I love my husband but he often says I tricked him and he laughs. Before we got married we talked about how much both of us loved sex and how we were always having sex with our ex's then once we got married that went out the door. Our scheduales are so different he works evenings and i work nights, so when i get off in the morning i'm too tired all I want to do is sleep. He goes in at 11:30 a.m. and I don't see him until 9:30 p.m. when i'm dressed for work. The times we do have together on saturday, sunday and monday before i go to work at 11 p.m. we are catching up on alot of other things I guess I need to make sex a priority and catch up on that. He says we've only been married a little over a year and we should be having alot more sex, I think every man says that though. I know this is rude but I offer just so he can get his nut but he gets mad because I don't have a orgasm. I tell him this is about you and your nut so get it and let me go to sleep and he gets really mad. I'm dying laughing to myself as I'm typing this but I do see his point.

I remember the days of 3-4 times a week. But after five years of marriage it began to slow down, a lot. Luckily, it has gotten a little better. One word of advice: lingerie. It makes me feel sexy and it gets him excited. A great way to spice things up in the bedroom.

Here is a link that might be useful: Dry Spell Solution :)

"I tell him this is about you and your nut so get it and let me go to sleep...."

If I thought for a while, I could probably come up with bigger bedroom turn-off statement but this one is sure-fire.

I agree asolo.

Old French-Canadian joke (translated badly):

A priest polled the husbands in his congregation about how often they do it. One man answered in a cheerful voice, "Twice a week." Another man answered in a somewhat downcast voice, "Once a month." Another man was jumping up and down and waving his hand furiously. The priest finally called on him and the man said, "Once a year." The priest said that this man sure looked happy for someone who was getting it only once a year. The man responded, "Yeah, but tonight's the night!"