skip to main content

What priority is sex in your marriage?

24 years ago

Sex is important to most couples but, to what extreme or in what priority do you place sex at in your marriage?

1. Most important!

2. Important, but not that big of a deal.

3. Kind of important but, not as important as the kids.

4. Not important at all compared to our lives together.

5. Not any big deal at all, can live without.

Sort by:Oldest

Comments (21)

lpolk
24 years ago
I'd say 2.
Married 2.5 years, in my 30s/DH in 40s.
(Time/age probably makes a difference, I expect it to wane.)
rotny
24 years ago
I'd say 2 also. I'm a guy so of course sex is important to me. But not so much as being healthy and fit. I imagine as my wife and I get older the frequency of sex will taper but taking care of ourselves SHOULD allow us many more years of one another's companionship.
Related Discussions
A sexless marriage
Q
Comments (152)
Boy it took a load off my mind reading other people's posts on this topic. It's a hard one to talk about with any of the 'normal' people you would talk to about things in your life. I realize the original poster is a woman discussing issues with her husband and I'm glad she isn't upset that men are 'hijacking' her post and discussing their own sexless marriages. I met my wife about 8 years ago and started dating just over 7 years ago. We got married in 2004. In my case my wife and I are the exact same age nearly 40 and just had twin boys a year ago; our only children as she had a tubal ligation during the C-section delivery. Our sex life was phenomenal during our first few years and I thought I had met someone with a 'matching sex drive' both for frequency and 'adventurism', although it hadn't been all that great even the last six months before we got married, but it was 'survivable' because while the frequency wasn't much and kept declining to the point of once every few months after we got married, the sex itself was awesome and not just 'orgasmic'. It also seemed that when we started trying to get her pregnant that maybe things were turning around. Not only were we having sex more frequently, but it seemed that we were laughing together more and definitely spending more time together outside the bedroom also. Unfortunately, the last time we had sex or physical intimacy beyond a brief 'closed mouth' kiss and a hug was the day she told me she was pregnant. Nothing since... over a year and a half now. I'm nearly at wit's end as my libido is and always has been very active, and while masturbation can 'take the edge off' it isn't really satisfying and becomes less so after becoming the only sexual stimulation you get. An affair isn't an option as I made a vow and that is more important to me than I can say in words, and would simply add guilt and self-loathing to my misery of not having sex with my wife. I asked her if maybe there was something physical she could ask her doctor about... she didn't talk to me for days. I've suggested counseling a few times and her attitude is that it would be basically worthless, but that if I wanted to go alone I was welcome to...great...thanks. The few times I've tried to 'come on to her' she has treated me like some creepy cousin at a family reunion, and when I try to kiss her and maybe rub her shoulder or back a bit in bed she literally flinches. That got me to the point of changing my bedtime to be well after hers just to avoid the temptation to touch her. We still sleep nude in the same bed so that seemed most prudent...but sad and frustrating. I've tried suggesting 'date nights' which she'll agree to but once it's 'date night' she's always 'too tired' and just wants to sit and watch TV; which I'm very picky about... not controlling the remote doesn't bother me as I would just as soon read as watch almost any TV, but there is stuff I just won't watch and my wife knows it, but she won't do anything else like go to a movie, or even just sit outside and watch the sunset. I know she's not cheating for too many reasons to count, but trust me... here is just one reason... she ain't the type to have sex with unshaven legs, and I don't mean 'stubble'... and she has gone weeks at a time without shaving since the pregnancy started. She really is a great person, a wonderful mother, good with animals and treats almost everyone she meets with respect and kindness... except me. I'm terrified that if our marriage melts to the point I'm miserable all the time I will be forced to get a divorce which in our country means I lose my boys. I'm not sure I can take that honestly. I never thought I would love something or someone so fiercely but I just can't imagine not seeing and playing with my boys every day. So what do I do? It's horrible that the only reason I'm not seriously contemplating divorce is that in our culture and legal system simply due to the fact that I have a penis I would never be given daily custody of my children unless she was simply incapable of caring for them... ala Brittany Spears... and thank God my children do have a mother who absolutely can and does care for them. So I reiterate 'what's a guy to do?' Any suggestions would be very welcome! Peace
...See More
Almost zero Sex life & confuse in marriage
Q
Comments (15)
My apologies for adding to this thread long after the discussion has finished, but I just came across this website as I was perusing the Internet. I felt motivated to add to this thread because I am experiencing very much the same situation as fantasy.however I am the one with the low sexual desire and I thought that it might be constructive for fantasy to hear the opposing point of view. IÂll start by saying that depression is unlike any feeling most people have experienced. In fact, the word "depression" has become synonymous with "sad" in this country, when in fact there is a huge distinction between the two. Most people have been "sad" at one time or another, while far fewer have experienced what can be termed as a clinical depression. Depression steals oneÂs willingness for not only sex, but also for life itself. It is true that things like human interaction, in whatever form, and exercise are an important component to recovery, but to a depressed person NOTHING seems worthwhile. This is what is so insidious about depression Â you feel that you want to avoid the very things that may help you. IÂm sorry if it sounds like I am lecturing, but IÂve come to realize just how misunderstood depression still is by many. Many still believe that depression is a character weakness or that it is something you can just "will away". Both could not be farther from the truth. It takes great strength to keep going each day in the face of such darkness and hopelessness, and recovering from depression is probably one of the hardest things anyone could do in their life. While I donÂt advocate keeping oneÂs depression from a spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend, I can certainly understand the motivation of someone who does. IÂve lost more than a few intimate relationships and friends after divulging my past problems with depression, namely because they had their own misconceptions of what depression is or how it affects people. After these sorts of experiences, you become very cautious about revealing any problems you might have had with depression. I was astounded by the anger and hostility voiced by some of the responses to fantasyÂs posting. True, I see things from a somewhat biased point of view, but I also believe that compassion and understanding are key elements to a strong and loving marriage. I give fantasy a lot of credit for standing by her husband during this difficult time. I DO believe that her husband MUST take the initiative to get himself some help, however even after seeking help it may take some time for a complete recovery. I have sympathy for you, fantasy, as my wife is experiencing many of the same feelings. Thank God I was blessed to have met such a wonderful woman. While I am not expecting infinite patience from my wife (each person has their limits), I am glad that my wife has stuck by me while IÂve sought a solution to the problems my medication has caused. IÂd like to leave fantasy with this final thoughtÂ..only you can decide what is best for you. However, I hope that you will take the time to understand both sides to your dilemma for making any decisions. It sounds like you are striving to understand more about your husbandÂs difficulties and, in the end, this will help you to make the most informed decision. I wish you all the best! P.S. Fantasy, as I am sure you know, there is a cultural component to depression as well. In the Asian cultures, depression is still largely taboo and so treatment is often seen as a last option. I am glad that your husband has sought treatment. :)
...See More
Help! Was your first year of marriage really tough?
Q
Comments (16)
I am new to posting on the marriage forum. But this is my $.02. In every marriage, there is give and take. I can see that you have a very busy life and it was that way before you married. I am not sure that you and DH didn't have different ideas about what happens after you get married. I kind of get the feeling that you weren't expecting much of a change and that DH was expecting a lot. First, if you were doing these things before you got married, then DH knew what he was getting into. Second, if you were doing all of these activities, How did you have time to date the man who became your DH? You made time for him before, right? You need to make sure that you still do that now. Just because you are "married" doesn't mean that it will be there if you aren't. Married should be a verb and not an adjective. That is when the real work starts. Finally, IMHO, if you got married and want to stay married, it is time for a sit down meeting to hash out what both of you are expecting. If you knew enough to marry him then DH's expectations should not seem to come from no where, meaning that you should have noticed that some of these have been coming for a while. It is really hard to be in the adjustment phase of being married. No one really lets all of the baggage hit the floor until they are sure they are staying. You have to sort out what every one wants and still make sure you don't lose yourself in the process. Honestly, I think you are having a case of "I wish I were still there 'itis". Basically, you are still mourning a part of your life that you had to step away from. It is not unusual to miss your single life. I know for a fact that I did. It isn't wrong, but if you wanted to marry DH then, there were reasons and do they still hold up? If marriage is something that is REALLY important to you, then you have to make sure that you are willing- not to put his needs first- but to make sure he is being heard and to try to make sure he is hearing you. If he is making you uncomfortable about seeing your single friends every week, maybe you should compromise. Could you invite them over, on the week when the SD is not there of course? Being married means that he should be at the center of your life, not your whole life, and you will need to encourage him to meet you half way. Don't give up the things you love, don't lose your passion for life, but don't leave him behind like a long date you wish was over. He obviously still wants to be around you. Have you thought about why you don't have the need to be around him as much. I am pretty sure you saw him more when you were dating than you are now if he is complaining. Maybe you need to look more closely at the situation. Please feel free to tell me if I am way off base... I am a big girl, I can deal with it. LOL.
...See More
no intimacy in marriage
Q
Comments (11)
"I'm a 45 yo female with no job skills really" THAT is your real problem. Without employment potential, you will always be one man away from disaster. But it's not too late - look into some short term programs at your local Community College, and see if you can get something going for you, training-wise. Most places have a Career Center or a women's center. Avoid those pricey tech schools that advertise on daytime TV - they are not good. Ask about financial aid for tuition if you need it. There are programs just for women your age who need job skills. Be your own best friend here. What are you going to do: 1.stay and suffer 2.beat the bushes for another man who will support you 3.clean houses or wait tables for a living? You can't take control of your life until you take control of your income. The rest follows.
...See More
waddles28
24 years ago
It would depend on who you ask in my relationship. I would definately say a 5 but I know if you ask my DH it would be a 1. So all that goes back to some of my previous posts. He is just now talking to me after last week when I wouldn't put out. His loss because now he didn't get it the rest of the week or the weekend because he wasn't talking to me.
Mausie
24 years ago
2... sometimes more, sometimes less, but usually 2.
vicki_Indiana
Original Author
24 years ago
Wow Waddles, it sounds like you guys are having alot of fun at your house!! ( just teasin )

When you don't talk it makes the problems or fights your having alot worse.. Sorry to hear that your having a tiff..
waddles28
24 years ago
Oh he is finally getting over it. The only thing now that I have noticed is usually he is all over me, grabbing me and kissing me but he hasn't done that lately. Don't get me wrong I am not complaining. I think he is getting really stressed at work and is not feeling well and I have preached to him about bringing problems home so I don't think he really wants to talk about them now and he will when he is ready. The other thing is that we are trying to get plans together to build a house URGH and that alone can be stressful. Anyway things are starting to get back to normal whatever that means. Thanks for the concern.
akaDenise
24 years ago
It's a 2 for us also. We're not newlyweds so it hasn't been a 1 for many years. But if we stopped, we'd sure miss it.
vicki_Indiana
Original Author
24 years ago
We have been married for quite some time.. Actually going on 27 years this Aug and it's been every number on there for us at one time or another.. ha.ha.!! I think now, we are finally at a stage where it is a 1 or 2 right now because, we have the time to make it that now that the kids are getting older, and we are "finally" having some fun in our lives.. ha.ha. !! It's weird how that works.. LoL
cheryl_down_under
24 years ago
I think it is a No 2 for us as well. We have been married 20 years and whilst sex is an important part of our married life - I would hate to be without it - it certainly isn't the be all and end all of our relationship. The frequently does wane as you get older, but I do have to agree wholeheartedly with Vicki that as the kids are getting older, this allows more time for ourselves and that certainly helps to bring the intimacy back into our lives together.
bill_h
24 years ago
no. 2 for us.
ruthanna_gw
24 years ago
I guess we're in the minority because I'd say#4. Over the years, we are finding more things in common that we enjoy and I think we'd rather go fishing.
vicki_Indiana
Original Author
24 years ago
ROTFL.. Ruthanna!! Hey, there is nothing "wrong" with liking to fish better. BUT... Isn't fishing and making love the same thing? You bait, throw it out there, then sit and wait for the excitment to begin?? Ha.ha.!!! ( just a teaser of course) LOL..
tracymomof4
24 years ago
Sex is the main reason for most of our problems in our marriage for me it is #1 for hubby it is probably more like an 8 but your list only went to 5 LOL. He is NEVER in the mood and im always in the mood (im only 37 and a woman is said to hit her sexual peak at 40 a man at 18 and people wonder why women like younger men LOL) we have only been married for just over a year and have maybe had sex 15 times he had to have major back surgery right after we got married and he has not been in the mood since :( i keep begging him to ask about vigara but hes embrassed so he rather make me miserable instead.
bill_h
24 years ago
where were all those 37 yr olds when i was 18?
vicki_Indiana
Original Author
24 years ago
Ha..ha.. Well, bill.. I doubt that you were looking for 37 yr olds when you were 18... LOL
HelenofMich
24 years ago
We're both in our early 50's and been married 22 yrs and it's probably a 2 for both of us and I'd say we both are still quite attracted to each other, in fact for us, that's probably what kept us together thru the bad times( of REALLY getting to know each other). It's the 2nd marriage for both of us. We had kids with the first marriage and decided none together.(Which is good, cause the first 1/2 of our marriage WAS rocky and I would have left him if I'd of had babies that would be exposed to that degree of fighting and tension). And yes, the frequency does wane some, but the enjoyment is still as good as in my 30's. FOR TRACYMOMOF4: I'd be concerned. Is he still affectionate? Hug and kiss some, snuggle at night? Could it be he's afraid of back trouble? Or with some guys, a few times with erection problems sets a pattern psychologically. You can buy viagra on the internet &/or you could ask the doctor if it would be safe for him. It's only rarely that someone can't use it. For you,37 is way too young to be cut down to 1/mo. Was he more arousable and interested prior to surgery? Or could this be the way he always has been? Too, some guys sneak porn(magazines or XXX motels) to have a safe outlet(a hand job)when they don't have a woman, and find they go back to it in trying times and sometimes even prefer it because of the sneaking and naughtiness to it. Is he on blood pressure meds? That'll do it, too or drink too much or low testosterone levels. Good luck, Trac and post if you're interested in persuing the possibilities.
Scotty1
24 years ago
#1 for sure. By the way, what's sex? I forgot...
Kevin_S
24 years ago
Very important.....but not more important than the kids.
asturnut
24 years ago
What sex?

(Been married 3 years- 26 years old- 2 year old child.)
LianneNJ
24 years ago
depends upon how long it's been since the last time ;o*
my first, his second, no kids heh heh
eileen_launonen
24 years ago
Id say a #5 during the week and #1 on weekends...hey what can I say weekdays the schedules exhausting by the time the day winds down the only thing we do in bed is snore lol

Related Stories

MORE ROOMS A Bedroom for Both of You

By Samantha Schoech

The bedroom doesn't have to be a battleground in the war between the sexes. These solutions will keep you both happy

FUN HOUZZ 31 True Tales of Remodeling Gone Wild

By Mitchell Parker

Drugs, sex, excess — the home design industry is rife with stories that will blow your mind, or at least leave you scratching your head

HOUSEKEEPING Got a Disastrously Messy Area? Try Triage

By Alison Hodgson

Get your priorities straight when it comes to housekeeping by applying an emergency response system

LIFE Improve Your Love Life With a Romance-Ready Bedroom

By Mitchell Parker

Frank talk alert: Intimacy and your bedroom setup go hand in hand, says a clinical sexologist. Here's her advice for an alluring design

REMODELING GUIDES 6 Must-Know Lessons From a Serial Renovator

By Bud Dietrich, AIA

Get your remodel right the first time, with this insight from an architect who's been there too many times to count

ORGANIZING Do It for the Kids! A Few Routines Help a Home Run More Smoothly

By Alison Hodgson

Not a Naturally Organized person? These tips can help you tackle the onslaught of papers, meals, laundry — and even help you find your keys

Houzz Interview: Rebekah's Weekend Farmhouse Retreat

By Becky Harris

DINING ROOMS Smart Shopper: How to Choose a Dining Chair

Before you go for that gorgeous velvet nap or slender sculptural seat, check out our guide to successful chair buying

LIFE Simple Pleasures: A Room of Your Own

By Laura Gaskill

Free up space for your own creative or meditative pursuits, and your dreams may have freer rein too

UNIVERSAL DESIGN My Houzz: Universal Design Helps an 8-Year-Old Feel at Home

By Becki Peckham

An innovative sensory room, wide doors and hallways, and other thoughtful design moves make this Canadian home work for the whole family

Sponsored

Hope Restoration & General Contracting

35 Reviews

Columbus Design-Build, Kitchen & Bath Remodeling, Historic Renovations