Wow, I just read all the posts. Thought I'd add my comments to motivatedmother. I'm also pregnant at the moment, so I totally understand the hormonal thing, the size thing, work, all of it. Difference between us is that I'm a little older and married to the most wonderful man. That said I'm sure I'm about to make someone angry but here goes...... Actually I thought Asolo's comments were not mean but helpful and to the point. It may not be something you want to hear at the moment which is another thing. This is a bad situation you're in. I'm sorry, but if you are living at home at this age, and with 3, almost 4 children, your parents are indeed supporting you. You should be grateful for that and acknowledge them for it. They don't have to do it but they do because they love you and your children. If you wanted a marriage like your parents, it was possible, but you chose the wrong person. Actions speak louder than words and you should have chosen someone who is actually in the process doing things to achieve the life you want to live, like an education, greater job responsibility, and so on. Any adult man who plays video games is a HUGE clue on his emotional and mental maturity. Adult men who are emotionally and mentally mature spend their time with their families or doing things that will otherwise benefit the family. They are committed to their family FIRST. I don't mean to say they don't have hobbies or interests of their own because of course everyone does, however, video games as an adult man's "hobby" would be alarming to me. Video games cost a lot of money and take up a lot of time, time away from family. They are a great way for adults to avoid spending time with others, isolate yourself, or to zone out of/avoid reality. I think your husband spends his money on HIS wants (vs needs) because he's immature, another HUGE problem. He is not focused on you or the baby, or the other three children you have. He's focused on himself. This would be very alarming to me. Your parents are in an awful position and I feel for them. They obviously love you and your children and want to help you. From your husband's perspective, they are great because they support him and this relieves him of responsibilty towards you and even himself. It allows him to continue to be immature. There's no incentive to change. If he really wanted to grow up, he'd take this golden opportunity to get some skills which he could evenutally use to better his life, your life and that of your children. A mature man would be looking for ways to build a better life for himself, you and your children, whatever way he could, even getting another part time job if that's all that is available. As wonderful as I'm sure your children are, I hope you will not have any more until you are capable of providing for them yourself so they will have the best chance at a better future. You owe them that. That means more than just food and shelter. Are you saving for their future education for example? Are you saving for your own home? Your parents provided a home for you, and you should provide a home for them. Even if you continue to live at home for the rest of your life, and you work and save for them, you have chosen a difficult path. You are now responsible for 4 lives in addition to your own. It doesn't sound like you will ever have much support from their fathers. You have created a difficult life for yourself, not impossible, but much more difficult than it needed to be. Whatever the past was, you have to make today the best it can be so just do it. I think what you are asking here is how you might change your husband to be the man you want him to be. Well, unfortunately that's just not possible. You can only control yourself. You have no control over him. You can suggest, ask, beg, plead, cry, explain, reason, force, threaten, manipulate, or whatever else you want but you will never be able to change him, only he can do that. That's why we must be especially careful in who we choose to marry and have children with. We can't let emotions rule our head. Teach your children this so you won't have 4 children with their husbands/wives or boyfriends/girlfriends, plus all their children looking to you to provide for them. That's a lot of people. Remember, actions speak louder than words. Words are easy to say, but actions actually require hard work and lots of effort. Don't listen to what he says, look a what he does. If they are different what he is doing is who he really is. That will tell you what kind of a person he is and what kind of life you will have. I truly wish you the best in your pregnancy and with the coming baby. I hope you will work all this out, however it ends, and that you are able to improve the situation for yourself, your children, and your parents. Yes, I include your parents in that because since you live with them which makes them part of your immediate family life. You already know everything you need to do, the answer is in your heart.

If your desirability is on par with for your forum selection, descriptive skills, and simple logic, I can understand your trouble. You do seem to have difficulty sorting things out. Sounds like your work-honey is in the same leaky boat. Neither of you has courage enough to leave sucky marriages -- just want to "have fun" on the outside while everything else stays the same. Well, if neither of you have kids and don't give a rip about your jobs or reputations, play whatever idiot-games you want. Who cares if you trash your marriage, if it's as bad as you say? "Be nice to you about it." ? You want a pat on the head for this foolishness? You are intellectually and emotionally adrift. Your thinking on the subject is a disjointed hodge-podge. I suggest you begin with a counselor or psychiatrist. From what you've written and the way you've written it, I don't think your brain is working very well right now.

>>>I live entirely for this man, I love him so much, I work and pay bills and try and make a nice home for us.He sees this in you and you've become a DOOR MAT. You need to ask yourself why you continue doing this when he doesn't appreciate this effort. >>>He tells me "it's not my fault, 5 days a week they're allowed to do whatever they want whenever they want, I can't change that in two days". THat's BS. He's making excuses for the fact that he doesn't want to be a disciplinarian. >>>I think the root of the problem mostly is that he makes NO effert to have any time with me.Again, why are you accepting this from him? So, he tosses you a crumb of affection now and then? He's stringing you along making you starve affection and you're allowing this. >>>He finally calls me later that night from the gym and says "fine, i'll sacrifice a night with my children to be with you".This is a complete deal breaker. Get out of this situation now before you lose yourself completely. I agree with the one poster who mentioned a Personality disorder. He sounds narcissistic and you'll NEVER get anything from someone like this. They reign you in and once they have you, the mask comes off, and in time they will disgard you, unless you rid yourself of him first. It's a game to him and it's one that you will suffer immensely if you don't get out of this. >>>>I feel like he takes me for granted He absolutely does and will continue doing so. >>>When I came back Sunday he's like "hey, you look kinda tense, why dont you have a beer?"Self absorbed. He doesn't give any more thought priority to you as he would pulling down his zipper. >>>"ugh, you're not gonna pull that "im pregnant" excuse on me all the time now are you?" Abusive. How much more are you going to allow him to abuse you? Get out now! >>I am very independant,You won't be for long if you continue to allow this mental abuse. Little by little his words will chip away at your self esteem and will erode it to nothing. Mark my words. I was involved with a woman who had borderling personality disorder and it's not much different. By the time she was through with me, I was suicidal and I'm by no means mentally weak either. Your pregnant and in big trouble here. I hate this for you because honestly, it doesn't just 'sound' like he's an abuser, he really is. Alot of it is disguised in neglect, but make no mistake, he's set this up for you to feel nothing but insecure and jealous in your relationship with him and he will of course blame you for how 'needy' you are, and not at all take responsibility for how badly he treats you. Please, please consult a therapist about this and really do consider getting your own place.

Hi Vesters. So many things you wrote struck a chord with me as we experienced the same issues with my SD, who is now 14. We've had custody of her since she was 5, after gaining emergency and then full custody though a very nasty battle. After DH and his ex divorced SM moved SD hours away. SD began sleeping in her bed, showering with her, being completely dependent on her mom. BM thrived on this - it made her feel needed and important. SD couldn't (or wouldn't) do or try anything on her own. SD became BM's 'bff' and confidant - all at the mature age of 3. This continued until BM found a boyfriend, and then SD was kicked into her own bed in her own room on a different floor and told to go to sleep. Once that relationship ended SD was needed again and back in BM's bed, all the while hearing about BM's relationship woes. Fast forward a few years. We have custody, SD sees her mom EOW. She's still trying to have SD sleep with her (between boyfriends) and be dependent on her. The 'bff' behavior is worsening and we're hearing all about BM's love life from SD. SD is getting stomach aches right before visitations and worrying about how to take care of her mom. All so appropriate for a mother/daughter relationship. And then there was. . . "BM also used to say things to SD (right after I came on the scene) like, "I'd never let a man come between us" and "You're the only one I need" which sounds innocent enough, but it was very much meant as a "look at your father, moving on with his life, I'll never let that happen to us." I could have written that. BM is always saying this. . . in between the men in her life. But what SD figured out about 2 years ago is that her mom is full of sh@t. She started to see all these behaviors factored around her mom and what her mom needed on her mom's schedule. She was blinded by the 'my mom needs me' and 'my mom loves me best' until then, but with the help of her counselor and a little maturity she started to figure it out. I won't say she doesn't fall back into buying her mom's crud every now and again, but for the main part she can she the behavior for who it is really about - mom, not SD. I tell you all this so you know you are not alone, and also to give you hope. Your SD needs help, and she needs her dad to help her receive it, but she can recover from this. I will tell you one thing SD's counselor shared with us that was helpful for SD and for our tongues as we weren't biting them so hard. When you say "I'm always a little uncomfortable when she talks so openly about her BM with me (because I know the "real deal"), yet I'm always very careful to make sure I speak loving and positively about her ." you need to stop. This doesn't mean speak negatively, but you don't have to put a good spin on bad actions. Don't try to make mom's bad action ok. Don't make excuses for her. Listen to SD, let her know you understand why she would be upset, help her with generalized, non leading questions discover why she's upset, but don't then tell her it's all ok and mommy knows best. Later, when she figures out mommy doesn't, you will be seen as a liar. It's ok to say sometimes mommy's get confused, or mommy's make mistakes. This is likely better pronounced by DH at first, but you need to know that you don't have to be positive. Just don't be negative, if you get what I mean. :-) Good luck. Keep us updated, and keep your chin up. You are doing the right thing.