.....actually, anyone's cold weather, by my favorite Minnesota columnist, a farmer/writer named Brent Olson. I thought you might enjoy it.


When I went to the church board meeting last week, it was about twenty below zero with a bracing breeze coming all the way from Saskatoon. As I went in the door, I interrupted the treasurers report to say, "I move that we sell the church and use the money to relocate the congregation to Jamaica."

The treasurer said, "IÂll go home and pack."

In the end, we decided not to  we bought the choir new stoles, which I agree seemed like a safer choice, but IÂm telling you, I think if IÂd pushed the issue, thereÂd have been a planeload of Methodists headed for Montego Bay.

Cold weather can get on your nerves. I know there are some people who pretend it isnÂt cold  they get up, put on a determined face and warm clothes, and just go about their business as though the temperature wasnÂt three degrees colder than the dark side of the moon.

Those people are crazy. When the weather is this bad, the correct attitude is to wallow in misery, with occasional whining that degenerates into a state of denial.

Last week I got up in the dark and turned on the TV; the first thing that came across CNN was an announcement about the wind chill temperature 27 miles from where I live.

When your home appears on CNN, itÂs almost never good news. Maybe if you live in New York or Los Angeles and your part of the country shows up on the morning news you can watch with mild interest, but out here, no news is generally good news. The people with TV cameras and good teeth are only interested in us when things go wrong.

And you canÂt get much more wrong than twenty-four below zero at six oÂclock in the morning, with a fifty below zero wind chill.

Back in the 70Âs, I went to southeastern Iowa to look at a new style of hog house, one that was designed to not need any supplemental heat. I talked to a salesman and expressed my concern that what worked in southeastern Iowa might not work out in the bowels of the northern plains. He said, "Oh, our weather here is just as bad as yours."

I said, "Shut up, you blithering idiot."

Okay, I didnÂt say that, but I sure didnÂt buy any hog equipment from him.

Perhaps you donÂt live where it gets this cold. I can tell you what it feels like. Get a garbage bag  it doesnÂt have to be very big  one of those 13 gallon kitchen can liners will do. Anyway, fill it with water and put it in the freezer. After itÂs in the freezer for a couple of days, walk through a door and have someone hit you in the face with it.

ThatÂs pretty much how it feels when you go out to start the car when itÂs -24. And, the car feels pretty much the same way.

Oh, well. ItÂs warmer this week. ItÂs almost March, and March is almost spring, and spring is almost summer.

Do you know what it feels like when itÂs 109 degrees? Well, let me tell you - take a frying panÂ

Copyright 2008 Brent Olson

www.independentlyspeaking.com