Patti43 I have to disagree with some of what you said. Nothing car related involves contact with the opposite sex. Also, she never told me that she was dancing with a guy from school.
Now having said that, she is going to go out with her sister tonight without me because we don't have a babysitter. She has asked me and told me that she doesn't want to make me upset. I told her that I have no right to be upset and that I trust her. I have told her that the problem is with me and I don't want to keep her from having a good time. I know I will probably be crying later when I start thinking about it too much.

I am looking into counseling to help me with a much deeper problem besides the dancing.

I don't believe that it is right for your wife to be out dancing with men and drinking in clubs with other single women on a frequent basis. Text messages from another man???? Come on! Who is she trying to kid. She's going to get caught up in a mess if she doesn't watch it. What's wrong with family outings or family nights? Or why not have date night with her and go to the movies or somewhere that you both enjoy. Try to rekindle what the two of you enjoy together. You didn't have a babysitter so YOU stayed home and she went to a club? This just sounds a bit wrong to me. Just my opinion.

It is a very, very rare occasion that I would even be given the opportunity to dance with anyone but my husband.

Now given that rare chance, I may dance a song with a stranger, or maybe a formal type dance with a friend, but I would feel sort of odd really 'dancing' with someone I knew that wasn't my husband. And, I would never be receiving text messages from guys about meeting up and dancing at a club together. Maybe there is nothing going on, but I would bet the other guy may want there to be, and that your wife may be loving the attention from him. Is there a chance the other guy is gay? Because, other than that, generally guys don't hang out at clubs, dance with, and text message a woman unless they are interested in them. No straight guy likes to dance that much.

And, IMHO there is no reason she should be going to dance clubs on a regular basis. They are meat markets. If she were seriously interested in dancing, she can take a ballet class and if she needs to talk to her sister, they can meet for coffee.

It's not the 'dancing' itself that would worry me, but a lot of other stuff. I don't see her being as honest as patti does...seemed to me like she has been lying or hiding stuff and just told you stuff as needed that you would find out anyway. That's not honestly...that's her trying to cover her as&.

If it really comes down to your having to dance...then just go ahead and dance...no one really cares how you look or that you can't dance. Just go with her to the club; I bet she'll decide she doesn't like the clubs and dancing so much after all.

First off, regularly going out to bars and/or discos with single women is not a great idea. Those places are meat markets, and just aren't the kind of thing that nurture a strong marriage. That said -- no good can come to you be going either 'territorial' and forbidding it, or by acting 'insecure' and asking her not to go.

Instead, propose an alternate 'date' for the two of you -- something romantic and special that will make your wife remember what she loves about you.

Even better, talk to your wife about taking dancing lessons together. Tell her you're nervous and a bit embarassed, but that since she loves to dance, you want her to love to dance with you. Suck up your fear, stuff a hankie in your discomfort, and just do it. The rewards will astound you... Truly, there's very little on earth sexier than a man who knows how to dance well -- even the short, fat, bald ones look wonderful on the dance floor.

Well, admittedly, it's been many years since I've been out dancing with friends so, obviously, things have changed. Or values have. Maybe you think your wife doesn't have any. Don't know. Listen to sweeby. Especially his/her third sentence. Think maybe you'd like dancing? Easiest exercise in the world and--to me--the most fun. (And it is pretty sexy!)

I ahe toagree with this statement from sweeby
Instead, propose an alternate 'date' for the two of you -- something romantic and special that will make your wife remember what she loves about you.
I think we need to find more activities that we can do together.

I dont think she should be going out all the time either.
However,you arent THAT old,and it is wrong to think she cant have fun now and then.
My advice,is GO WITH HER!!! Even if you dont dance,even if you just sit there all night~at least you will know she isnt doing anything~and who knows? YOU may end up having fun with her.
I NEVER go out anymore to clubs or places like that unless my husband is with me. Those places ARE meat markets,and for a woman,anything can happen.
But have a talk with her.Tell her it just doesnt feel right her going out so much.Maybe you can make an agreement like once a month or something...
Really though,bars are just a bad idea.

I have to disagree with most of you. I'm 28, in a long term relationship, and my boyfriend doesn't like to go out either. So, I go out with my friends! I spend plenty of time doing things with him that we both enjoy, but I also enjoy going out to karaoke or dancing with friends. Just because he doesn't like to do it does not mean I am going to stop. I also dance with other people, but would never in a million years cheat on my boyfriend. Just because some people go to those places to try and hook up does not mean she is going to. She could get hit on in the grocery store or library also. It's all about trust and obviously you don't trust her if you are upset about her dancing with her co-worker. Either she has done something to make you not trust her, or you have some serious jealousy issues. You either need to learn to dance so you can dance with her, or go with her and stop pouting all night because she is dancing with others. If you tell her to stop going then you are going to look like a controlling jerk who will not allow his wife to do things because he doesn't like to and doesn't trust her.

I'm not trying to be mean here, I'm being honest. If I was with somebody who did not "allow" (LOL) me to do something because they didn't enjoy it, and didn't trust me when I have never given them a reason not to, then I would leave them. It is an issue that will just keep coming up over and over again. If you don't like her dancing with other people, then you better learn to dance and go with her. If you trust her and you know she is a faithful wife, you have nothing to worry about.

I have made it clear to her that I do not want her to stop going. Although she says she doens't want to go if ti is going to upset me. I dont think it is that I dont trust her. It is my insecurity and lack of confidence in myself that makes things difficult in this situation. I have scheduled a ounseling session for the 2nd.

Good for you!!!!! I think you should surprise her with some ballroom dancing lessons or salsa lessons for the both of you! That would help improve your confidence, and hey, she already chose you so you should be confident about that too! Good luck!

Jenn, you are not married. There is a difference. When I was single I always went to bars, etc. even if I had a serious boyfriend and they went to bars without out me. We danced with all kinds of people. It was no big deal, but things do change when you get married.

I reread some of the posts and I really don't think this is about the OP's girlfriend liking to dance. Yep, we've ll been there...at a wedding or somewhere...where our SO or hubby doesn't like to dance so we go out on the floor with someone else, no big deal. But, this co-worker is after his wife. This is an ongoing meeting opportunity for them and does not seem healthy.

If the original poster was a girl and the roles were reversed, would anyone feels differently?

Hi, I'm Susie...my husband goes to clubs with his single friends all the time, one time I went and his co-worker was text messaging him about meeting up and dancing; I guess they do this a lot and I got upset. What do you think?

Sorry, but, this just not right...for either sex. There's something going on here. The OP may be insecure and a really crappy dancer, but I'd lay money on it his wife is either cheating or heavily thinking about it. Honesty and trust in marriage isn't just about words, and being mature enough to not be insecure. It's also about respecting you marriage enough to not put yorself in situations where you may want to cheat. That's were the real honesty and trust come in. I don't think she's doing that. Sometimes there really are legitimate reason for people to be jealous.

I still disagree. And no I would not feel differently the other way around. If they were slow dancing, that's different, but fast dancing, just for fun, I don't think that's a big deal at all. I think his wife would know if the co-worker was hitting on her, and if so, she would tell him to back off.

I may not be married, but we have lived together for a long time and I still plan on going out without him once we are married. I have never even been tempted to cheat, and if I was, I would question what is going on in my own relationship to cause me to feel that way and fix it. I also agree that sometime there are legitimate reasons to be jealous sometimes, but I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where I often had legitimate reasons to be jealous.

I think we will have to agree to disagree on this one. We all see things through our own eyes, based on our own experiences. What works well in my relationship will not neccesarily work in somebody elses. I see plenty of things that work in others that would certainly not work for me. What is important is what works for them, and it seems like counseling is a good step for figuring that out.

My DH doesn't really like to dance that much- hates the crowds, isn't that great of a dancer (especially since I like Latin dancing), etc. I still manage to drag him out a couple times a year and he eventually admits that he enjoyed himself.

I have to disagree that ALL clubs are meat markets. We go to Latin clubs and 99% of the people there are with their SO. Granted, we don't necessarily hit the trendiest clubs on the scene, but if you seek them out, you can find non-meat-market dance clubs. The clubs we go to are terrible places to meet people because everyone is already hooked up!

Anyway, I'd NEVER dance with another man, especially knowing that it would hurt DH. It doesn't matter if I am "just dancing" it's the fact that I would be knowingly hurting him. It's a matter of simple consideration for his feelings, not a matter of control. DH trusts me completely, he would NEVER suggest that I don't go dancing with other people, but it will never come up because I know he would be hurt.

Maybe there is a little bit of excessive insecurity on the part of guyguy at play here, but I also think there is excessive inconsideration on the part of his wife as well. Just my opinion...

Carla35 is right on the money. What your wife may not realize is that she is setting herself up for a situation that may not be appropriate. What she is doing is NOT appropriate behavior for a married person. Because she wants to continue with the behavior, tells me that her priorities may not be spending time with you or the family. You're not being jealous, you just smell a rat.

Yeah, jenn, I guess we'll just have have to disagree ;-)

I hope for you in marriage what I have though, and that is the fact that I just don't enjoy going to dance clubs anymore (of course I may still go on special occasions--bachelorette parties or special b-days but it's just really not fun anymore). I think it's just something that normally comes with a happy marriage...dance clubs really do just loose there appeal.

As you and your friends start getting married, I think you'll see that. Even the single friends will start to look elsewhere for serious relationships. Dinner and books clubs or going to movies will take the place of going out to clubs; jobs will become too important, and time too short to be spending your nights out. At least, I hope that happens for you!

Jumping back in again--probably shouldn't. You can meet a man going to dinner with friends or a book club or movies, if that's what you want. I think the OP is a teeny bit more than insecure (and HE said he was insecure). Trust me, I was married to one that sounded just like him. I hope he goes to that counseling session he says he has scheduled. And I want him to report in. Not holding my breath on that one!

Yeah, patti, if you want to cheat you can find a man just about anywhere...heck, the mailman or garbage man could do...but that's not what I was talking about or was implying. I was implying that usually happily married woman enjoy book clubs and dinners with their friends instead of dance clubs because they are no longer looking for men and no longer have the time to party all night all the time. They simply may prefer to spend quality time with their friends over mingling and dancing with guys at bars. I didn't mean to suggest that you can't meet men at restaurants or movies if you are wanting to cheat..of course you can. Sorry you took it wrong.

I am wondering, though, are there any happily married woman on this board (no not just dating seriously) that have been married for a few years that still frequent dance clubs with single friends on a regular occasion (not just special occasions) and meet up and dance with guys they already know there? Maybe the times have changed or some areas are just different.

Insecurity is a very odd thing..I find usually the people who feel they have to convince you they are secure are the most insecure ones, and many times the most insecure ones have very good reasons to be...simply saying you are or not, isn't really worth a hill of beans, IMHO. Everybody will get jealous if pushed enough...if they care about their SO. Insecurity/Security is not an all or nothing type of thing....it's just all shades of grey. And often it's the person we are with that makes us one way or the other.

"Yeah, patti, if you want to cheat you can find a man just about anywhere...heck, the mailman or garbage man could do...but that's not what I was talking about or was implying. I was implying that usually happily married woman enjoy book clubs and dinners with their friends instead of dance clubs because they are no longer looking for men and no longer have the time to party all night all the time. They simply may prefer to spend quality time with their friends over mingling and dancing with guys at bars. I didn't mean to suggest that you can't meet men at restaurants or movies if you are wanting to cheat..of course you can. Sorry you took it wrong."

I would just like to add,many of them have children,so clubbing after having children is not really a good idea.A good mom's priorities arent partying all night.
I'm guessing Op doesnt have kids yet,since he didnt mention any though.However,if going out alot is interferring with their relationship in any way~the wife would be wise to cut it out.What's more important,a room full of drunken strangers,or her husband? For me,the answer is simple.

guyguy wrote:

"Now having said that, she is going to go out with her sister tonight without me because we don't have a babysitter."

I think you guessed wrong, unless the babysitter is for the dog.

Well then,that sheds a whole new light on the subject doesnt it? Exspecially being that it is a school night.

Carla35--I knew what you meant. I was trying to get that point home to the OP. Just think he's got a serious trust problem and wouldn't like it if his wife WAS going to book club, etc., either. Still hope he gets that counseling.

Well, I agree with you on the counseling.

I'm hoping the counseling will help him open his eyes to see that there may be a legitimate basis and real reasons for his insecurities and distrust problems with his wife-- that she may very well be cheating-- Everyone should be secure enough to be able to put two and two together, and/or be able to put their foot down when needed in a relationship. I think he's too afraid to admit to himself what is right under his nose.

I hope he gives us an update.

Folks,
This sounds to me like it goes deeper than an insecurity thing. It really comes down to: Do I do what I want to do, or do I respect my spouse enough that I don't want to do something that makes him uncomfortable?

GuyGuy,
Have you really set her down and had a heart-to-heart with her about the way you feel? Admit jealously, admit insecurities and admit that you understand this may be what is in the way. However, it's still there and it's still a problem. If your wife chooses to ignore your feelings and go out anyway - that's very wrong of her and you should be smelling a rat. If she chooses to stay at home with you (or go somewhere you both enjoy), then hopefully that (and your counselling) should go a long way toward helping your jealous and insecure feelings. Maybe one day, you won't feel that way anymore and will not have a problem with her going out and dancing with someone else.

That being said, I'm 35 and have been joyously married for 13 years. I would NEVER go out to a bar without my husband and I certainly wouldn't dance with anyone else. Truthfully, I don't think my husband would mind, but I respect him and my marriage much more than that.

If you are doing anything that makes your spouse uncomfortable (within reason - I understand there are some loose screws out there who just want to control their spouse, but that's a different thread) STOP IT NOW. All you are doing is hurtng your marriage. No matter how stupid you may think it is, if it's that important to your spouse, it should be that important to you. Partners should sit down, discuss the problem and come to a workable solution. If a workable solution can not be found, then stop doing whatever it is that hurts the other person. Just my 2 cents.

His wife should not be going out this much if they have kids! It is selfish and irresponsible. Maybe going out and partying wouldnt matter much in a divorce hearing,but it certainly would in a child custody one.

If you read the last paragraph of his post you'll see he says HE goes out with his friends and talks cars and goes to races. Where is it you and your guy friends meet, guyguy? The library? He's already admitted he's insecure and suddenly a "babysitter" pops up when no mention of children was made in the original post. Don't you think that would be a pretty huge equation in how we all thoughtfrom the beginning--if it's indeed true. I think my chain's being pulled, so I'm outta here.

Going to races and talking about cars are different then going to smokey bars and getting drunk. My husband likes races too.He goes to car shows which are family events and takes my daughter with him. Maybe sometimes he takes the kids with him?
You cant take kids to a bar though...

Dancing is a two person event. It involves two bodies, in close motion, in an activity that actively mimics sex (at least, most modern dancing does, and it doesn't sound like the OP's wife is doing the foxtrot). Sorry, but if I found out my husband was dancing with some strange woman, I would be seriously POed. Add in the fact that he knows that it makes me uncomfortable, and if he were to continue to do it (as the OP's wife apparantly does), that would be a serious problem. Also add in the fact that the OP apparantly has been married long enough to have a child, and his wife is running out with her friends on a school night to go clubbing -- that sounds like another serious problem to me. There's a huuuge difference between hanging out with your friends occasionally, versus engaging regularly in activities that usually only single people, or those on the prowl engage in. There's absolutely nothing wrong with him and his buddies hanging out every now and then and talking cars, just as there would be nothing wrong with her and her friends meeting for coffee, shopping, or a movie. Going out every week to grind bodies with strange men? Something totally different. He's not the one with the problem. She is.

mandy g has nailed my current feelings
"GuyGuy,
Have you really set her down and had a heart-to-heart with her about the way you feel? Admit jealously, admit insecurities and admit that you understand this may be what is in the way. However, it's still there and it's still a problem. If your wife chooses to ignore your feelings and go out anyway - that's very wrong of her and you should be smelling a rat. If she chooses to stay at home with you (or go somewhere you both enjoy), then hopefully that (and your counselling) should go a long way toward helping your jealous and insecure feelings. Maybe one day, you won't feel that way anymore and will not have a problem with her going out and dancing with someone else."

My ffelings have somewhat turned to anger as this situation continues, she went to a rap concert last night at a club because her female friend from school invited her. She asked her mom to babysit so I did not ask my mom until we heard a response from hers. Well that response was at the last minute and was no. She had plans. So I ask my wife "should I ask my mom" my wife says "well the tickets are probably sold out and I did not buy them". Then she asked if I wanted her to go, (she does this all the time but I usually tell her to go) I told her no. Her tone changed and she said "well then find someone to buy my ticket", and she said her friend asked her to go and would be alone. Now later on before she is about to leave I was listening from another room to her conversation with her female friend she is going with and her kid is sick. She is not going to be able to go. WOW, guess what, my wife never mentions this to me and still goes to the club concert.

I am no longer crying over her, I have come to realize that she is being inconsiderate of my feelings. I can't believe I was actually feeling bad about being sad, when she continues to go out with friends. I was apoligizing to her for putting her throught this (because it was my fault everything was happening because I am insecure) it is frightning that she let me talk like this and I realize that she might be manipulative.

I don't know why but last night I stopped feeling sad and sorry for myself. Now I feel that I deserve respect and i am not just a burden for her.

I have sent her a few messages explaining my new feelings and am awaiting a response, I hope this is not one of anger (as that will only make things worse) but one of understanding. Will post back.

OK, I talked to my W and realize that i had jumped to a few conclusions. She apoligized for going last night and said that she actually met a friend of her moms and went with her.

In my wifes past relationships she has been controlled by her boyfriend and this is her 1st relationship where she is being treated fairly and she is afraid that it will change. Therefore she has a hard time with the idea of me telling her not to go out when she feels she has done nothing wrong.

She has told me "If clubs were a place only for singles to pick people up, why would that concern me." What she meant by this is that she has no interest in anyone else and that I should trust her in a situation even like that. She repeates that she has no interest in anyone else. She keeps trying to get me to say that I don't trust her. I explain that it is not an issue with her but me. I dont feel confident enough in filling her needs and that the people at the clubs are exactly what I am not. Therefore they would provide something totally different than me. She reiterates that she is not interested in anyone else and is just going to have fun with FRIENDS.

On a side note, she brought up a comparison to an incident that happened a few years ago. I used to partake in a recreational drug that my friends often did. Know my wife has a history of abusing a different type of drug. This is why she was bothered by me doing this and she has said that it made her very upset when I would come home under the influence. She relates this to the current situation of me being hurt by her going out and her actions. What she didn't catch and I brought it to her attention is that I quit partaking with my friends. Even though I don't think their is anything wrong with what my friends are doing. So what I am getting at is that I quit doing the behavior that threatened her but when put on her she says that she isn't doing anything wrong and instead we are going to counseling.

My W has told me again that every time she goes out except last night, her mother has been with her. She told me that she has been talking to her mother about this situation all along. So I told my W that I would like to talk to her mother also(simply because I have not talked face to face with anyone about this). And I know her mother will be honest because she adores me and has joked that she likes me more than her daughter (we have similar personalities). So I think talking to her will help by getting a 3rd perspective and she knows both of us and is with my W when she goes out.

Counseling is still Monday, wish it was sooner.

I think your wife sounds very selfish, to be frank.

My husband would tell me I could go to a bar with friends too it I wanted to but I know he wouldn't like it, dancing or no. And I wouldn't like it if he went to a bar or club without me, but he has gone to several Nascar races with friends and he knows I don't care that he does that, that is his hobby, he lets me do whatever when it comes to my Saddleclub and parades. Big difference in having hobbies and going to bars IMO. Not like you could actually have a meaningful conversation with friends over the music. Maybe they need to get a membership to a gym, plenty of fun dancersize (sp?) and arobics there.
I have friends that have made a habit of going clubbing leaving hubby as the sitter and the marriage ALWAYS fell apart, maybe there was other problems or they wouldn't of been going to clubs, but the bottom line is I don't know one happily married couple that goes out clubbing without the spouse.

Ok...so I'm sitting here reading this msg and thinking...wow, these ppl that are slamming this guys wife must not be living their own life. If the woman really loves to dance, why should she give up something she loves just because her husband is insecure? So, because guyguy doesn't want to go out and wants to sit on the couch and mope all night means she has to also?? If he's insecure with her out, he's gonna be insecure with her home as well. I know because I used to be like that. You have to stop feeling bad for yourself and just get up and do things!

I am married and take ballroom/latin lessons and there's a single guy there that also takes lessons that has become a regular dance partner for me. With latin dancing, that's alot of close body contact, so because my husband doesn't go and is home by himself sometimes when I'm at my lessons...dancing with another man...do you people think I shouldn't be out dancing with another man?

My husband is not insecure, he knows he can't dance, but when he can he gets up and just does it! He comes with me when he's not working.(which is generally every night, all night..grrr)...which is another story in and of itself. But when he can, he comes because he knows it's something I love to do. That's what we call a compromise! That's what guyguy should be doing. If his wife loves to dance, go with her and dance...it's soemthing she loves...she shouldn't have to give up dancing because her hubby can't dance...and on the other side of it, she should go to a race or two with you...even though she might not like it...go with you to support you because it's something you love. it's all about compromise and support for one another in the things you each love to do...yes, marriage means living a life together, but not living one life...each has their own separate life and interests.

Channel your insecurities into a bloodsport on this dude's face(classmate guy). Don't let him leave the club untill you've helped him donate at least a pint of blood to the dancefloor. No man should litterally or figuratively be dry humping another dude's girl, period. Man up, clean that sand outta your ass crack, and establish yourself as the dominant cock in the room. In short, break your foot off in hisass.

what the big deal she goes home with you at end of the nite right i go dancing with my girlfreind and all these guys come touch her and dance with her i hate dancing myself so i watch it not a big deal she with you at the end of the nite right and this is what matters

What many people are missing her is that she kind of kept this activity with her dance partner secret. Red flag. Why did she keep it secret? Because she knew it was wrong (in her relationship) and felt guilty. Now some guys want or find it appropriate for other guys to "touch, rub, bump" their wives. If that's your relationship and your boundaries are wide then good for you. But in this relationship he feels betrayed. If your spouse does something like this, she's obviously crossed the line and she ought to do what ever she can to regain his trust. when members of the opposite sex who are not in a relationship with each other, spend time together in a semi intimate way it's human nature to begin to have feelings for each other. How often do couples split because "it just happened". Emotions begun to grow and in a way you feel desired again by another, it's fresh and new. If two people are in a good relationship they should not put themselves in such positions where feeling could grow. It's a slippery slope that's she's dancing on. She ought not dance with another man during a slow song nor should she allow his hands or body parts to wander. If she allowed it then she's guilty of crossing a very dangerous line. Don't be so judge mental of him being insecure, place focus on the cause of this effect.

In Denmark my cousins all married with children go out and dance without their partners. They dance as a group with the men who like to dance. They get to dance and the men who don't like to don't have to and do other things. The jealousy thing doesn't seem so strong there. Here it's different. People are more conservative and possessive. I loved being in Denmark visiting. We had good fun and no one worried as much.

I go out swing dancing (lindy hop and west coast swing) by myself twice a week and dance with lots of people. I say thanks and go dance with the next person. I go to dance weekends and dance with everyone. All the married people dance with everyone. It's not sex. A good dance is very pleasurable but it's not sex and it's not cheating.

Dancing with my other half at home (who no longer is well enough to go out dancing) is how old married people can make love. So take some dance lessons and dance sometimes in your living room to some slow music.