That strikes me as a good example of shooting yourself in the foot . . . Kind of like - she won't have sex with me, so I'm going to be really, really nasty about it and maybe that will MAKE her sleep with me.

Sorry to be so critical! We don't fight with silence. We talk things out; sometimes with polite, angry sentances and sometimes with shouts and dirty looks, but luckily, we don't resort to the silent treatment.

We have spats and fights when one or both of us is really stressed. The subject doesn't seem to matter much.

We don't fight like we did (even then it wasn't as much as some people we know). It used to be about money and it was just because we were both so stressed with where the money was coming for us pay the bills this week and what were going to live with that little bit left over once we paid them and got groceries. FDH got a raise and that helped us pay up and get caught up on things we were behind on. It was also about how he would take money out of the ATM and not tell me and the check book was always way off but that's better now, too.

I got over the fighting over not getting enough help around the house problem. I do ask him to help out here or there but I don't start fighting with him because he hasn't helped do laundry or whatever. The last time we got into an argument about what he used to do and doesn't do now, my fiance' said that he doesn't think there is a lot to do once he gets home because I have it all done by then. I took that as a compliment! I don't hear him complaing about needing work pants or socks or anything anymore. Guess I got on the ball and fixed the problem myself.

Other than that, fights start when we're really hungry or tired and don't mean what we say and it's over.

I also agree silent treatment is the wrong way to go. You have to talk stuff out. Many times the other person won't even have a clue to why you're mad so how can they fix the problem?

~Leslie~

The above made me laugh! I must admit that after
we said "I Do" there are more things we "don't"!

We've figured out that there are not many things WORTH fighting over. Usually we just get over it, before the fight even starts... All the little things we used to fight about are just not worth all the hassle of fighting. LOL! The last fight we had was about his mother being mean to me over Christmas, but only because I was really hurt, and he was being very insensitive.

It has been a long time since we had a fight - we've been married 25 years. My husband is a wonderful man who tries very hard to please me - I know I'm very lucky. I think that when we were raising our sons, money was tight, I was tired, etc., we had more disagreements - maybe 3 or 4 serious fights over all the years - usually over money or his being insensitive (or was it me being too sensitive?). I tried the silent treatment when I was a lot younger - wrong approach for my man - accomplished zip and just made me more miserable and him less responsive....I've since learned to communicate much more openly and quickly - I tell him when he acts like a jerk - but I do it as nicely, lovingly and non-accusatory as possible. I guess age, maturity and experience, as well as genuine love and appreciation for my mate have eventually led to a pretty wonderful life. The thing is, we both value our marriage, our commitment, our family and eachother, so we really, really try. We will be young retirees in 4 years, and I can hardly wait.

If we do, it's caused by stress. Since both of us work down the hall from each other in different departments, it can get pretty hard. He's the safety officer, I'm the secretary to the Operations Managers. When our departments (bulk of the contract) mess up, I end up in the middle of things. He's at my bosses, my bosses at him, and I'm the one doing all the corresponding to all of them. Things can get a little ugly. However, I do do the silent thing if its petty. He gets what's on my mind, it's up to him what he wants to do with it. If he decides he want's to "fight" he ends going at it by himself.

My logic: If its matters that are past and can't be changed, live with it. If we can change them, let's shut-up and change them. If you just want to bi*ch, then let the subject matter roll and never roll it out again and move to another.

Now, if all that doesn't work, all h*ll breaks loose. I start walking the walk, talking the talk and he knows it will get very ugly. Thank heavens I've only been there 3x in my relationship.

Our main issue is DH lets things bother him instead of communicating with me.

Waddles, I swear you and I could be married to the same man! My Dh is that way also..No sex fine I won't speak to you for x amount of time and that will make you want to fall in bed with me! Yea Right.. We never fight about other issues but the sex thing.

littlebit

littlebit either it is the same man or twins. He just started talking to me on Thursday and still not a lot and he won't even touch me now. I have to admit this is the longest he has held the grudge but on the other hand it is nice knowing I can go to bed and we are not going to fight about that subject again.

Make that triplets Waddles, and Littlebit! We have the occasional "the house is messy" type fights-He is the neatnik and I'm not. But the most re-occuring fight is about sex. He admits that later he sees my points, but at times, he has a one-track mind and can't get past it.

Luckily, he is a talker. I didn't used to be, which I now see solves nothing. Whatever kind of fight we have, he is always the one to start a conversation about making up, or at least just give me a hug. And it is the same day, we try not to ever go to bed mad. We are working on it, but I agree that you have to talk about it. But he really can act like a brat sometimes-I want to yell-"Do you think this is helping your case???"

in all honesty, i dont remember having any fights in the last 15 yrs.

We went through some really bad fights when we were first married up until we both figured out that neither one of us was going to give in, or sleep on the couch. LoL!!
(just kiddin) But, seriously, we don't fight much anymore.. One more plus about finally getting to a point that you look at each other and say.. "What's the point"? ha.ha.!!

Most of our arguments are about finances. She "drives the train" 'cause she's just better at it than me. But she still wishes I would get more involved in the whole budget thing. Our fights, on the other hand, have always been about her weight. We don't fight anymore though. I don't even go there. If anything even remotely related to her weight comes up, I find the quickest escape and take it straight away.

1. Personal space. I have a large personal space, and get freaked out if it is invaded too often. DD is very huggy and kissy and touchy - sometimes after a day with her the thought of the CAT sitting on my lap makes me want to scream. Those are, of course, the days DH wants to get all kissy and cuddly. I just want to yell "If you want some, fine, just leave me alone until we go to bed, and STOP TOUCHING ME NOW!". I need a little while of alone time before the alarms stop ringing.

2. How he treats DD. He is stricter on some things, and much too lenient on others. And he isn't consistent with her. Today it's okay to slap him in the face while playing because it doesn't hurt. But tomorrow when she hits harder, it's not okay and she gets punished. Then the next day when it's light again, it's alright etc.

3. Waiting/making things more difficult than they have to be. He puts off stupid things and it infuriates me. A telemarketer calls. Instead of just saying he isn't interested, he tells them to call back later. He needs to nail down the details of something with a friend, instead of just saying "we will do this" they have to CALL each other another day to talk about it. But that call never gets made. So the day of, they still don't know what is going on. Or we are supposed to meet somebody someplace. If he gets the time and the directions, he doesn't have the name of the place. If he has the name of the place he isn't sure of the time or where it is. That sort of thing.

{{gwi:336191}}

When we do which is RARE always HIS FAMILY!!!!!!!

Dances in Garden
You just described my DH exactly. If my DD is happily occupied, he isn't satisfied until he starts picking at her. If she picks at him or gets a little rough, he wants to punish her. He is strict on the minor issues but much too lenient on the issues that matter. He never remembers all the details, but never bothers to write them down--which does make things more difficult than they should be.

nothing, iam perfect, she knows it! realy i am.

the thing we really argue about seems to be the computer.......I am good on certain things and he is on other....
we each have our own pc........but when he starts telling me where i need to look or how to do something, I really freeze up....
finnally i just give him my keyboard, and leave...
he sure does not want me telling him things to do.........

His parents are just too close to us!!! They drive me nuts and he tells them EVERYTHING about our finances, about plans for the house and property,...and they are not supportive people so I get furious with them. An example is we have just decided that we will do the homeschool route, but dd is only 3. He gets right on the phone and shares the plan,,,uuugh! The way I see it is they could be dead by the time we start schooling, and I don't want to be criticized for it in the meantime!!! Know what I mean?

His children wanting money and going to parties when the ex is there.

Him saying that he is going to do something and not doing it. But I guess it's mostly this passive aggressive resistence. My husband will say things that sound nice, or mean well, but he doesn't follow through. Even when it really counts. And the verbal reassurance doesn't mean anything. We have a tough time communicating this problem because if I tell him that it bothers me, he'll say that he won't do it anymore and we are back to square one.
We are very opposite. I am matter of factly, dependable, organized, and strive for efficiency. I love to laugh and chat about interesting issues from politics to TV. I love to play with my kids, but I don't do it instead of chores, I do it along with my chores. My husband will say things like "do you want me to play with the kids or not" if I ask him to help with dishes or laundry. I do both, and I can't understand why he can't think of this as well. When I suggest it, he says he will and you know the rest.
J

Jainie, you described my situation with my fiance almost exactly (except we don't have kids). My fiance seems to think he doesn't ever do anything wrong yet he never makes any initiative to help out unless I ask, which I am SO tired of doing, and he always says he'll do things & then doesn't follow through. The last thing I want to be is a nagger. Which I haven't come to and refuse to because that's an ugly way to be. But he seems to have no initiative for anything, including important things.

My major problem is that I am a neat organized person & he is not at all.

My question is, how often do couples fight? How much is normal?

We mostly fight about my quiet moods!! When I am really tired I am soo quiet. He thinks I am mad..We fight about every other month. My husband is one that never forgets what we fought about the time before, it is like we fight about the same old issues!!! He was also married before (12) years ago and she cheated on him so now him and I are married he is always looking for clues with me, that one upsets me very much!!! He got suspicious awhile back cause the toilet seat was up when he got home.He asked me if my Son had been there to visit.DUH, I had cleaned the toilet and forgot to put the seat back down!!! He tells me it will take him time to trust me. I think it is well overdue for him to let his previuos marriage go.

bill h...are you kidding? It sounds as though you have either married your perfect soul mate, or that you two aren't around each other enough to irritate each other. Hopefully, you are truly just one of the fortunate ones!

waddles why don't you put out as much as your partner would like? is it a lack of energy or attraction to your
husband. have you lost some of your desire for lovemaking ?
sometimes i feel like my wife goes through cold spells where it may only be once a week or two. then for no reason
she cranks back up to two maybe three times a week. I feel like it could be our age since we are both in our fifties.
i can never figure out how i had the sexual conditions i had before marriage anything anytime i could do no wrong.that soon change but i never complain anymore and i'm trying to be more romantic all the time and that doesn't mean sexual. a simple touch on the shoulder i love yous at the end of phone calls that kind of stuff even if she doesn't participate. i just try and do my part.

The biggest problem in our marriage is that i am a controlling person and I like things done a certain way what he calls my way or the right way. After being in the military for 12 yrs controlling people it's hard to let go of that and pretty much every civilian job I have held I have always been in charge. I have to learn that a marriage is a democracy not a ditatorship the sooner I chisel that in my brain the happier he will be.

Ours is twofold: the first is about my weight. He feels I'm not interested in taking care of myself. I've gained 5 pounds while going through menopause/HRT. I've been struggling with not gaining more.

The second is I have trouble admitting to making a mistake. He finds that very offensive.

Cheerull, your post gave me chills. How dare a husband start a fight with his wife about her weight--that is horribly controlling under any circumstances. But to complain about 5 lbs is even worse, especially menopause-related. If my DH wants to complain about my weight, he can get his own apartment and talk to himself.

We don't fight any more about s-e-x because I just give him as much as he wants. I'm taking iron now. Actually, since I started coming on strong to him, he has backed away a bit - reverse psychology!!

The really weird thing about us is that we have the same faults. So when I get annoyed and point a finger of blame at him, I see three fingers pointing back at me.

His family. They are just way to close and they know everything. He doens't see them a lot because he works but he can walk through the door and the phone will ring because they saw him drive up the road. The is a huge pet peeve of mine. I would like to welcome him home and spend a quiet moment together without the phone ringing.
If he doesn't answer the phone then his dad call him on the fire radio...at this point my head is spinning and I am livid. If he doesn't answer that then within minutes there is a knock at the door. Drives me nuts.

21 yrs now and still no fights, must be doing something right.

Married 25 years and I can count the huge fights we've had on less than one hand. We rarely argue and never bicker, which is why it's lasted. We do respect each other tremendously, and we both know our limitations with each other. It works for us.

Gosh guys, you must be doing something right... and glad it's working for you, but if the fighting ever stopped in my marriage, it would mean it's over.

Something we fought about recently, 2 days ago, was when I wanted to go to a store to pick up some shoes on Saturday and she was wanting some adult quality time. It was clear what she wanted but I said, we'll get together after the store.......not a good answer.

At this point it has turned into.....You always put me last.

I also have to determine why I spend quality time with her.....is it to please her or do I get pleasure from it....This could be taking a walk, talking, going out or sex.

My wife insists my motivation is to please her and she is quite sad that I do not get pleasure from these moments.

We have had quite a few instances of arguments over our sexual frequency, so there is a background o this. What I am struggling with is how to prove to her that I am indeed taking time her because I like to. Unfortunately during this recent argument I indicated that I would like to have some time (2 evenings) to do what I wish (TV, Music, reading) and that I feel crowded sometimes.

So here I am trying to figure out how to be more attentive and actually liking it...

My DH & I have been married for only 1 month & 8 days, but we've been together for over 3 years & known each other all of our lives (went to school together k-12). It seems like most of our fights are over money, sex, drinking, or dogs!

Money - I am the "keeper" of the money in our house; I take care of all of the finances. He works construction & is gone up to 3 weeks @ a time & I work part time & am home most of the time taking care of stuff. Well, he makes very good money & for what I do & the time I work, so do I. I would like to save as much as possible for the future and he just wants to spend, spend, spend. It drives me nuts! He finds a "toy" he wants & acts like a 2 year old until I give in & say "fine". Then, a month later, that "toy" is old & he wants another one! And, when I say toy, I mean big boy toys & expensive ones @ that. I try to get him involved w/ the finances, but he has no interest as long as the bills are paid & we have a little left over, which is fine w/ me.

Sex - Like I said, he is usually gone for 2 wks. @ a time, but sometimes up to 3 wks. When he comes home, he expects to get it every night! I just can't do this... I don't know why, but I can't. I am currently on the Depo shot (birth control) and I honestly think that plays a huge part in it, but I have no sex drive what-so-ever and I'm exhausted by bed time. I have tried to make myself stick to an every other night routine & do most of the time, but he still thinks this is not enough. And, when we do go for 2 nights w/o sex, he thinks our relationship is completely falling apart. I've tried to explain to him that a relationship/marriage is not all about sex & he says he knows, but I think that is really what he believes.

Drinking - My DH likes to drink a little more than I am comfortable with. I don't drink at all, I have & might again, but for the most part it doesn't appeal to me. I knew he drank before we started dating, but not as much as he does (or would like to). There are sometimes that I feel like he places his drinking in front of me & that is when I get mad. We have both gotten much better about this situation since the beginning, but it still needs work! I'm very afraid that if he keeps going down the path that I'm trying to steer him away from he is going to become an alcoholic & I don't know if I can deal w/ that.

Dogs - I know this probably sounds funny to everyone, but it's true. I had a dog when we started dating (still do) and we now have one together & they are my "babies" (we don't have children as of yet). He says I pay more attention to them than I do him, he is very jealous of the dogs. I have tried very hard to not pay a lot of attention to them when he's home, but it's very hard b/c they obviously can't do certain things for themselves, ie: let themselves out, etc... We have both gotten better about this situation also, but again, it could get better. I keep asking him how it's going to be if/when we have kids, b/c they will get more attention than him... He says that you can't compare the 2.

I have also noticed on a few occasions that I just want to tell him to leave me alone! We usually don't fight over this one, but sometimes he can be very clingy & it's always at the same time that I'm needing some space.

I guess marriage is something you work at all of your life & I don't believe that ANY married couple NEVER fights about something, BillH, I'm talking about you & to be honest, I don't believe you, I wonder if anyone here does 100%. Like I said, we are both trying hard & the longer we're together, the harder we try. So maybe by the time we're 75 we'll be done w/ fighting... LOL.

Time.
My H is only home a few days a month. So, time is a big issue for me. We he is gone, there is no commnunication(not that there can't be any communication...he just chooses not to)(not unlike when he's home) which is another big issue for me. Asking for time will always create big drama.

Money and household chores. He feels like I spend too much money, I feel like he is too cheap. I feel like he should do more around the house, and he feels like I should do more around the house. We fight over it for a minute or two, and then we get over it. It's just how we operate.

Ah... this is easy... ""I do asolutely nothing all day everyday... and he is my "beast of burden""".... (his term) this is pretty much an exact quote that I hear often... I use to ask who he thought did the laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, dishes, got the kids up and out to wherever they needed to be, made sure homework was done, and on and on... finally I stopped responding other than to agree with him, and then drop whatever I was doing when he'd say that to go sit on the sofa, or pool side, or go to bed ro something similar... and then I'd just stop cooking, cleaning. doing laundry, etc... I'd do NOTHING for a few days... except play with the kids an make sure they had what they needed... but NOTHING for him... and then he'd start about something... I have no clean xxx, when's dinner??? you get the idea... and I'd tell him that I don't do anything all day, so I'm not sure who was doing that prior but he should check in with whoeer that was and motivate them to get back to it....

I went out and got a part time job now, so gee... guess what... lots of things dont'get done like they use to... for example I haven't been to a grocery store for almost 2 weeks now... I'll get there, but probably not until Tuesday this coming weekm given what's on my schedule right now... IF he's stupid enough to comment in the mean time I will remind him that he'smore than capable of going to get groceries, and that is not on my 'schedule' until Tuesday... so either live with what is here or deal iwth it yourself... he will opt to deal with what is here...

long and short of it is he has taken what was a 'good' situation for both of us and turned it into ugly for both of us, by trying to push my buttons with the 'you don't do anything' line one too many times... the reality is he was ticked because I was not helping outside the house as much as he thought I should... mind you I was taking care of all things but the lawn in the good months and the driveway/sidewalk int he 'winter' months... he thought I should take care of those too, but not with a service.... mind you I have a 5+ acre yard and a 600+ foot drive.... so either of these are pretty big jobs to deal with on top of all else (and I mean all else... he did nothing with the children or in the house other than the lawn and drive/sidewalk prior to me going to work part time)

am I bitter??? probably... because I'm working??? no, because my children are being affected negatively by this change... we don't need the money my part time job brings in... but in the mean time, daiily life for all 3 children ahs become chaotic... one goes to schoolin another town and must be driven both ways... not always eay to pull of and still be here to get the youngest on her bus... or off it at the end of the day... then factor in activities, sports, and work for the oldest... dad traveling 3-6 days per week, and mom working part time too.... just one more level of stress to add to my life....