Well, I wouldn't "just cut him off"-that's a power tactic and it only causes anger and division. You need to work together, not turn away from each other. So I don't have any magic answers for you, but rule that one out. My guess is that he will not do what pleases you until there is some reward in it for him. Basic behavior modification: reward the behavior that you want to see. You will probably have to start with baby steps.

I sure would cut him off. It sounds like he is either so unsure of himself that he's afraid to try anything for fear of not knowing what to do or how to do it and afraid he might mess up. Or, he does not like the thought of (or perhaps the feel of) touching a woman's genital area. He would not touch me again until he either showed some interest in learning or admits he hates a woman's body. If the latter, I have no idea what you could do about it and imagine it would be very hurtful because it renders you an object for his purpose. Up to this point, you have lived in a position of "letting him do his business" because he refuses to accept you have needs and desires and that women should have orgasms, too. No woman should allow herself to be used like that. Withholding is not a power play in this respect. It is simply taking control of your own body because he does not deserve it. 14 years is an awful long time for you to be so considerate of him, while he has zero consideration for you. Sex/lovemaking is give and take. He needs to realize that. Sounds like you need something like a sex therapist. Perhaps you can find a book or online article on the subject if he is too embarrassed to talk and participate in person.

I wish you well. I dated a guy who was like this. It was humiliating, especially since prior relationships were so good in bed. They taught me a lot and insisted that I orgasm before they did, so they applied themselves and directed their attention on me to make it happen. I married early and even that early experience with a 19 year old husband was way better than this you are going through and better than that jerk I dated for a few months. It was a couple months before we had sex. Naturally, I thought it was something we would have to work on at first. It only took a few more weeks to realize it was pointless. I totally lost respect for him and broke it off. No way was I going to allow myself to be used. You are not his furniture.

Thermometer brings up some good points -- but I have to disagree with the 'cut him off' advice.

I'm thinking that what may have started as a purely physical limitation has now progressed to an emotional and relationship issue, and that Hubby is now feeling anxious and self-conscious about his 'short-duration' and views your requests for foreplay as merely a diplomatic way of asking him to last longer... (And maybe it is -- can't exactly blame you for feeling that way.)

If he's said he is willing to explore the issue, I'd start with a doctor's appointment to make sure he's OK physically. Stress, high blood pressure, high blood sugar and any number of other medical issues can cause 'performance issues' in the bedroom. Once once he thinks he's having problems, the doubt alone magnifies the difficulties. Call the doctor ahead of time and give him the 'heads-up' of your concerns -- Hubby may be too embarrassed to discuss it. Ask the Doc to look for issues that might impact Hubby's stamina, and to evaluate Hubby for chemical assistance.

In the meantime, instead of physical foreplay (which Hubby might avoid because he fears it will hasten that which is already too quick) -- go for simple physical closeness and emotional intimacy through conversation. Fifteen minutes of talking about something pleasant and non-stressful with a little light kissing and stroking may really be all the foreplay you need, without over-exciting him.

So funny. I think you need to read her post again. Re-defining foreplay is not going to make him more willing to participate and isn't going satisfy her either. She has attempted what she wants, what foreplay is for her. What you suggest might help to get her in the mood, but it won't help with orgasm, his rejection of her, or whatever his psychological problem seems to be that he won't touch her. She will still want foreplay after that kind of pre-foreplay. Foreplay to foreplay?

I wonder what she did in the past year and if she found a solution. Or if she is still his depository.

Try the book "Couple Sexual Awareness" by Drs. Barry McCarthy and Emily McCarthy. It's a GREAT book with exercises that help couples build intimacy and connection in and out of the bedroom.

My DH and I worked with this book when we were having the same issue: quickies without really any connection or emotional satisfaction. After a while, it becomes a really hard habit to break and it can really hurt a marriage.

We would take turns reading aloud the chapters to each other and work on the exercises until we felt comfortable moving forward to the next topic/exercise. We did this for a good solid 8 months and learned a lot about each other and how we each defined sex. We also learned that sex does not necessarily mean intercourse or orgasm (either for both or one partner).

It was fun and really helped us connect. We still struggle and have a tendency to drift back into our old habits, but we now know when to recognize when things aren't as satisfiying and what to do about it.

Rosegarden - you don't have to depend on an unwilling partner or years of therapy for your Big O. Buy yourself a vibrator. Guaranteed satisfaction every time and you don't have to flatter its ego or do its laundry. Maybe he will help you with this, thus eliminating the premature ejaculation issue. Many, many couples do this, it's modern technology!