has a death and grief destoryed your marriage?

20 years ago

I just lost my dad and the funeral was yesterday..All I have been doing is crying since Weds night..My husband has staed that once this is all over he wants me to have no contact with my stepmom and stepsister Who have been my family for 25 years(SM is the only mom I have ever known)..

Husband has also told me I am forbiden to go to the cematery until Fathers day..And if I keep up the crying and self pity he's going to leave me..

His words were "Just GET Over IT!!!!""

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Comments (12)

bnicebkind
20 years ago
simplecountrylady, first, I am so sorry about the loss of your father. There is something so painful in the loss of a parent, and you NEED to grieve the loss of your dad.
How long has your husband behaved this way towards you? What does he have against your stepmom and your sister, that he wants them OUT of your life? Is your husband abusive towards you? To hear that your husband would "forbid" you to visit the cematery of your father as you grieve such a loss...is heartless, and must make you feel the loss of your dad even more deeply. If he is not abusive, then I suggest that you rise up with strength and courage, and a backbone, and tell him that you will indeed grieve as long as it takes to work through this, and that you will visit the cemetary whenever you decide that you need to be there, and that you will include your mom and sister in your life! Do not allow him to isolate you from the only family you have left, UNLESS they have been a destructive factor to him, and in your marriage, (see the other posts regarding MIL's) and he has valid reasons for not wanting them in your life and marriage.
It sounds like a really good time to see a councelor who is able and willing to back you up and challenge his "rules".
If he leaves you because you are grieving the loss of a parent, (when you MOST, more than any other time in your life, need his love, and unconditional support, from your spouse, (and I am strongly in favor or presevering through ALOT to save a marriage, and hold a family together) but this is so heartless, and unloving, and threatening, that I would say...let him go. If he chooses to walk out when you need him the most, then he is simply heartless. If he is threatening you like this (the day after) you lose your father...well, it is beyond comprehension, and I am so sorry for what you are going through. If cornered, how would he defend his behavior?
gurley157fs
20 years ago
Yesterday??!?!

That is outrageously insensitive!!

I agree - my first question would be 'does he treat you like this all of the time?'

Just in case you didn't know you don't treat people that you love like that. I know that there are two sides to every storey and I don't know your situation but I cannot imagine a situation in which you deserve to be treated so horribly.

Grieving is a natural and necessary process. Suppressing your feelings now will only create problems for you later.

Take your time, allow yourself to grieve, and think about yourself - that is NOT a selfish thing to do.
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awbrey
20 years ago
I can not belive he would say that to you, it takes a long time to get over a death and especially your father, you need lots of love around you. There are both sides to every story but if he treats you like that you would be better off if he left you, that is metal abuse and I am very sorry that you have to deal with such a a#$%^&* at this time in your life. Be strong and I wish you all the best things well get easier.
webegardnr
20 years ago
Let me get this out of my system first: what an $%^@!! How dare he tell you how to greive. NO ONE has that right.
I've losted both of my parents and I'm sending up thoughts for your comfort and healing during one of the most difficult times in your life.

bnicebkind summed it nicely.
deefar
20 years ago
Sounds like your husband is a real piece of work. I'd get rid of him in less than a heartbeat of a second.
Kristeen
20 years ago
Hmmm, my dad's been gone for close to 12 years now. I still find myself missing him, talking about him, etc., and if my husband told me to 'get over it', he'd have a few less teeth. It doesn't sound like your husband has much respect for you or your feelings.
bnicebkind
20 years ago
simplecountrylady...How are you holding up?
rosewood42
20 years ago
I think you would be happier if the jerk left you. He is so uncompassionate, where did you find that gem at? He cannot tell you not to see your family, my mistake, he can tell you not too but you are a grown woman. Stay connected to your family and don't give them up for him because I have a strong feeling that you will be needing them more than you think. Sorry about your dad. When you are more mentally stable from the loss of your dad tell your husband to get over it as you walk out the door with your suitcase.
lynne_melb
20 years ago
Simplecountrylady,

How are you doing? Losing a parent is so difficult. My experience is that with time, it gets better. Of course you always miss them, but somehow memories of the good times helps with the loss.

Sending good thoughts and best wishes to you.
User
20 years ago
I like I must comment. The death and your grief didn't destroy your marriage, your husband did. His insensitive remark to get over it, is beyond cruel. I'm so sorry for your loss, I pray for healing for your heart. It takes time. Sounds kind of lame, but there it is. My heart goes out to you.
intherain
20 years ago
I am so sorry your husband was insensitive. I am hoping at this point he has realized what he's said and has changed his attitude! Please check in with us.
bowdoin514
20 years ago
Simplecountrylady,
I DO hope you check back in here. I, along with probably all the others, hope you are doing okay. As far as your hubby's statements of you not having any other contact with your family, why does he want you to cut the ties? Is he threatened by them in some way? You know the old saying of "blood is thicker than water"? Do keep in touch with them. I am very sorry to hear of your loss. And for him to want you to be "over it"...well, then he must have never suffered a loss like yours, or just can shut his feelings on & off like a spigot. I lost a best friend several years ago when she asked me to "get over it", concerning the loss of my infant son. One thing in life I have learned since then is you cannot get over a death...you can only learn to live with it. It was then that I realized I can live my life without this "best friend" in it. And I have not regretted it one day! This past June I also lost my daughter who was 18 and killed in a car crash along with her boyfriend. I wonder how that "friend" would feel if she knew that I now have no children. Anyhow (sorry to blab on), if you need to visit the cemetary, you go girl! That is all a part of the healing, whether you go daily, weekly, whatever. Do whatcha gotta do. And we hope you can come back and update us. Just hope "he" hasn't read this all and got rid of the computer or something! Interested in hearing from you. By the way, I am in my second marriage, and the loss of my daughter was very hard on my husband...brought us closer.
Hugs.
Emma in PA

has a death and grief destoryed your marriage?

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bnicebkind

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