Finedreams, I want to reiterate how this conversation/disagreement between you and I started: * Posted by finedreams (My Page) on Mon, May 10, 10 at 19:44 If someone sends her naked pictures around and plans threesomes, it is beyond "what went wrong" issue. It is not a typical affair. * Posted by silversword (My Page) on Tue, May 11, 10 at 15:24 FD, I think "typical" is changing. Threesomes became very popular when I was in highschool. I would not be surprised if that is a very common make/break issue with marriages today. Bi-sexuality is now very "normal". Also, with the new cameras and the non-issue of development at outside locations (no stigma of having to send those nude pictures off to get developed!) times they are a changin'. * Posted by finedreams (My Page) on Tue, May 11, 10 at 18:15 Bisexuality is not a behavior, it is who people are, it is neither normal nor abnormal, it is what it is, nothing to do with threesomes. Bisexual people are attracted to both sexes, does not mean they cheat or have threesomes. Of course threesomes are not something never heard off (I am much older than you so I have to tell you it was popular before you were at high school), but generally people who love to arrange threesomes and post their naked pics are not much of a marriage material, at least not at that point of their lives. Would you want to be married to someone who secretly arranges threesomes and posts naked pics? I don't. I do not understand why people suggest this marriage needs to be saved. But oh well. It is just me. You said "not typical affair" because of pictures and threesome. I said, "typical" is changing. As bisexuality becomes more acceptable in our society and as multimedia makes photography/video that would previously "typically" (prior to 2000) not be shared (at least as easily); the behaviors that constitute a typical affair change. I never said that bisexuals have threesomes, are cheaters, that bisexuality is only a behavior, that it was ok for his wife to be doing what she did or anything else you put in my mouth and pointed fingers and called me naive. My point is, "typical" is one of those words that means absolutely nothing unless everyone is standing in the same little circle. Depending on your age, socioeconomic status, location in the world, upbringing, etc.... what constitutes a "typical" affair will vary. Much as the interpretation of a "typical rainstorm". Once it starts sprinkling here in So. Cal. it's "pouring". Where I'm from, there has to be at least a foot of water on the ground before anyone begins commenting that it's raining hard. I agree with you that "promiscuity and dishonesty are wrong at any age" and again, I never said that bisexuals have poor moral character. It is becoming a lot more common, or at least a lot more people feel comfortable admitting to it. Thus, I believe bisexual "affairs" are becoming more "typical" than the "normal" (lol) affair.

"You are right, but this is about extras, not CS. If SM feels that on top of CS and regular necessities SD requires (during her 50/50) that BM is expecting Dad (and therefore SM) to pay for extras, I can see her problem." The problem is that not only are there bound to be plenty of costs for "extras" that are going to be incurred in raising children (I mean, if we're considering anything beyond food ---but not necessarily FAVORITE food, just food--- and, like, Hanes 3-pack basic white tees as clothing and the cheapest uglist Walmart notebook and Dixon Ticonderoga #2 pencils as "extras")... but that the definition of "extras" is very debatable... "It would feel like BM considers her husband's money as separate and not to be used for her child, but SM's to be part of Dad's available income. Who would be purchasing the sports equipment if there was no SM, and therefore no item to borrow? Assuming Dad's income was the same, and his CS and custody the same, could he afford this item on his own, or would he ask BM to split the cost? (BM could use some of her CS, or ask her husband to help.)If both parents were still single, how would the item be procured?" I just gathered that there happened to be already in existence in the house an item of the kind that was required, which was not being used by anyone else at the time it was going to be needed. In that case, why SHOULDN'T OP's daughter be able to use it? Is it inconceivable that OP's daughter would loan something to her step-sister in a similar situation? Has that never occured before? I mean, yeah, I suppose that for everyone to be perfectly even and everything to be perfectly fair, there should be two of absolutely everything in the house for each of the girls, no matter how easily worked out a sharing plan may be... just so nobody feels like BM is "getting off scot free" or "taking advantage" of the already-purchased hockey stick (or whatever it is). But why spend the extra money (which Dad would be, since he's presumably already paid for half of his step-daughter's item, we can presume he'd be paying half of this item too) or insist or suggest that someone else (BM) spend extra money when there is a perfectly good item right there, which will not be in use, and which the user of (step-sister) has already agreed to lending? It's not costing step-sister or SP anything to lend it, and if it's damaged it won't cost them anything either b/c Dad & BM would pay for a replacement. The only reason would be to (pardon the pun) "stick it" to the person(s) who would be asked to pay for a second one, in one way or the other. Now, obviously, if the item is lost or damaged, or if OP's daughter will be using such an item more frequently in the future, then it's appropriate to purchase another. But to go around and imply that anything shared in the house that's an "extra" has to be purchased separately even for one-time use is just not very family-like. In intact families, no one would dream of proposing a waste of money (on anyone's part) or excessive consumption (and clutter?) of this sort as a general practice... I guess that's what I find so colossally sad in these blended family situations. That, as much as many SP's regard the situation like the SK's are "spoiled" b/c they have two households, it's just as often that they end up getting shafted b/c everything gets nickel-and-dimed and bickered over to death. And I'm not even really thinking about in the *material* sense, but psychologically... How do you think it feels growing up where every little item or expense you require as a kid is argued over, debated, and you're made to feel like you're such a source of financial burden and your parents arguing all the time and the expenses paid for are all conditional on how well you (or your mom) behave? Like someone's sitting there all "ca-ching! ca-ching!" every time you express a cereal preference that costs an extra 80 cents, or scowl ("deduct a dollar for the "extra"-nice notebook b/c of your attitude! I don't HAVE to do anything for you!")... and you may, perhaps, be in the regular presence of a step-sibling who (b/c his/her parents aren't divorced) doesn't face the same kind of nickel-and-diming, or you feel like you have to run a decathalon of requests and requests-for-requests to DARE to borrow the item of its "rightful" owner, whom it WAS procured for, presumably without much hubub... I CERTAINLY can understand the need to budget to the point of splitting hairs (b/c there's no choice) when funds are tight (but in OP's case it didn't sound like that was necessarily the case)... but when the situation is more comfortable, nickel-and-diming is unnecessary and rather depressing. Not to mention an enormous waste of energy and a veritable minefield packed chock-full of potential explosions at every little teensy turn. (Which, btw, ain't so great for the marriage, either...) Come up with a plan, an agreement, based on reality, decency, common sense, and what you think "family" should mean and general principles of what will/won't be split (or set a dollar amount limit, or an age limit, or limit the extracurricualr activities by quantity). Figure out and decide once and for all on the definitions of "extras" you and spouse agree on and everything should fall into place. If this can't be agreed upon between current spouses, it is not the ex-spouse's fault, and they shouldn't be dragged into the mess. If the CS arrangement is unsatisfactory to both current spouses, seek to have it changed instead of whining/nickel-and-diming/b.s. psychological games. If it's satisfactory to one spouse but not SP, or if expenditures just CANNOT be agreed upon no matter what, then maybe consider splitting finances. But acknowledge that it is the CURRENT SPOUSES who cannot agree on expenditures or come up with a workable plan, so it isn't anyone else's fault or burden to bear if you two can't work it out between yourselves.

Amber im not to good at writting or even trying to explain myself. please bare with me. this is my first time being on this site. I guess i came on here looking for advice. and how to fix the problems.When i was going to put flowers at her grave it was out of respect for her and my husband. But on the inside of my heart It hurts for her and her husband. I guess maybe i expected to much from his kids to say thank you. I realize that everyone has a different way of being. I guess im not sure what i was looking for from them. maybe i wanted to show them that i am a nice person and to just give me a chance is all. I am not here to try and take my husbands wifes place.. all i did was fall in love with someone my husband. I love him very much and there are times i can see him looking very sad and my heart hurts for him because he has lost his life partner. I know he loves me or he wouldnt have married me.. but it was neither of there choices for this to happen.I have been told things from his kids like why dont i go rent the place across the street or like the new pots and pans i got never used yet but i did wash them and his daughter smelled them and said they smelled like fish. or how she went through the freezer and chekced dates of meat in it and said it needed to be cleaned out.. i had only been here in this house 2 weeks. but im also not use to having a freezer the big ones. i was lucky to have a pound of hamambuger in mine. so i did clean it out. then she went through the cuboards and looked at the dates threr were some that were a year old so i got that cleaned out.. then went around saying there is cob webs. she then asked me when my birthday was i told her and she said i will never remember that. each time things are said and done i am not mean to them or rude why because i love my husband im not going to make waves . he loves his kids so i will do what ever i have to so that things will run smooth. his son is addicited to drugs bad i have spent hours with him on the phone telling me he is going to take his life .for 4 years i have been having to put up with this. but i do it.even through it stress me out. he has stole from us alot and im not talking chump change. when his daughter come here the first thing they want to know is what there name is on in case anything happens to there dad. for 4 years i have been telling them they need to talk to him. they talk bad about my husband to me bad things and when they are done they tell me if i say anything to my husband they will deny it. if thats the case why do they need to keep saying things. he is my husband and i love him. they say if you want anything from him just be nice..the only thing i want from my husband is for us to have a good marriage. All the things i do for them i do it because my husband asks me to.. but i am almost at the point where i dont want to.

Hi, Charity. If your heart is cold for your husband, I disagree that your marriage is intact. You may still be married, but it's not what marriage is supposed to be. Of course, swinging isn't supposed to be a part of marriage, either, if you believe in the traditional marriage vows (forsaking all others), but I realize that you don't. For me, and I realize not for you, living with someone for whom I have a cold heart just isn't a good, fulfilling life. You and he are getting your sexual kicks otherwise, but if you're getting your emotional needs met outside of the marriage, why don't you just divorce? What in the world is the benefit to anyone of staying married? NOT trying to demean or start an argument. It's just that your way of living and values are apparently so opposite of mine that I'm intrigued. I get my sexual kicks and my emotional and companion needs met by my husband and realize that I am very, very fortunate.