I did not know there were rules that you have to Thank people for responding to you??? Maybe all of the responses have been to much for her, whose to judge, maybe she regrets posting??

Settle down now. Not everyone lives eats and breathes online. In fact, I'm going to go use the bathroom now. Hope that's ok....lol kind of.

Wow! You guys are awesome and fast! Sorry for not responding sooner but I had to take DD back to college today without dh of course because wd are now on day 10. I just got in to check the forum and had no idea I would get so much NEEDED advice. Thank you all so much. Here I thought I was just venting but you all gave me si much to think about. I'm not at all against Counselling though I'm more than sure he won't attend. I tried talking yesteday but he just simply ignored me. I'm really sick of being ignored and disrespected this way. To add a bit more info, this is a man who has spoken to his son ( from 1st marrige) in over 11 years b/c of a truck! Who also hasn't spoken to his family in the 16 years that I've known him, so he's a pro at cutting people off ( who don't "comply") guess while I'm typing this a light is finally coming on in my head! I do love my husband but I didn't grow up this way. My family communicates this to me is SO disfunctional.

'he's a pro at cutting people off ( who don't "comply")'

Since people don't have to be forced to 'comply' with something that they want to do, a control freak can be assured that he (or she) is *really* in control only by making people do something they don't want to do or by keeping them from doing something they do want to do.

The person who's being made to comply *never ever gets what he or she wants/needs*.

Control freaks are like 2-year-olds;
no matter what the question, the answer is always no.

You are living with someone who is a "pro" at cutting off people who do not comply with his ways and that is so sad. After all you've expressed, it leaves you one choice: Do YOU want to live this way or not?

If he can excommunicate a son, then he can do it to a wife. He's selfish and immature. He might have Narcissistic Personality Disorder or another personality disorder and that will NOT change. But you can change your quality of life by getting out of there.

I've reached my 40's and won't take half the garbage I did 20 years ago. You have a limited time on earth. Why waste it with poisonous people?

Best wishes for a better life of your own making!

Why don't you say "Well, I'm going to go buy myself a new Mercedes Benz. If that's not okay, just say so." and see if that gets a response.

Sorry, I was having a bad day

This post was edited by marie-ndcal on Thu, Aug 1, 13 at 18:17

He certainly does sound dysfunctional, laydeebug. If he's not spoken to his son in 11 years and his family in 16 who's to say he hasn't embarked on a similar plan for you?
Whether he goes to counselling with you is somewhat irrelevant as you can use it to clarify in your mind whether you are up for a lifetime with this kind of treatment or whether it's time to throw in the towel and call it quits.
I recall another poster on a different GW forum who phrased it to her husband, something along the lines of, "I'm going to counselling. If you come, I'd like to discuss how we can save our marriage. If you don't, I'll discuss if I want to save our marriage. Your choice." She's happily divorced now.

I agree with counseling . The fact that he couldn't put his disagreement aside to help drive his daughter back to college, is very telling.
I am so sorry you are going through this and whatever is wrong with your husband it will probably get progressively worse.
Men think differently than women. They need their space differently than the way women do. But clearly even your husband can see that not speaking for all this time is hurting your marriage.
You say you love your husband but I wonder if he loves you. I am also wondering if he wants to still be married. If the answer is yes to both these things than his behavior can't continue.

Sylvia you always say something that just sticks with me. "Control freaks are like 2 year olds, no matter what the question, the answer is always no."

YEP! You're so smart! You just make me smile and nod.

What a great Christmas present to hand to one's spouse!
________________________________

"I'm heading for the bar - want to see whether I can find a nice person/(man) who'll talk to me."
________________________

How would he react to teasing? That'll lower the blood pressure for some ... but just exacerbate it with others.

What about putting a piece of duct tape over your mouth? No, that wouldn't work, as you'd want to do it for a while, more than likely, and you'd want it off when he's not around. How about wrapping a cloth band, perhaps with elastic in the back, around that part of your face?

No, that wouldn't work - just make things worse.

He's become addicted to this kind of behaviour, it appears. And not about to change his course easily.

Are you needed at your place? How about taking off for an unreported visit to Mom, or a brother/sister, for a while? Seems as though you're about as valuable around your place as the year before last year's unused Christmas present.

I agree with the others that you need to talk to a professional counsellor ... do you have a conection with a faith group? Do you know whether someone there has some skill in this department?

I agree also that it's unlikely that he'll be willing to touch anything like that with a 10-foot pole.

Also ... apart from this, and perhaps other, instances of emotional abuse, I wonder whether he's inclined to be abusive physically, as well? Probably not, if he can get his way by meanness.

ole joyful

P.S. Think that he might yell ...

... were you to stick a thumb tack on his chair at the breakfast table?

(just kidding)

o j

O.J., I agree - stick a carpet tack strip on his chair and see if he has anything to say - heck, he might actually laugh!

When my late husband would occasionally 'bull up' (as my mother would say), I'd crack really corny jokes until he laughed - worked with him and he was soon over it. My first husband, on the other hand, would just get madder at me if I tried to get him to speak, using jokes.

Hi Kay -

Yeah - making a joke of it works with some ... with others it doesn't: just complicates the problem even further!

The trick is - to know when it may work - and when it won't!

I think they call it playing with fire.

o j

I'm getting the silent treatment now from my husband. His issue with me is, he feels I don't think when I speak, and I do not communicate well. Not the first time this has happened.

laydeebug72 - how are things going?

Sometimes it's almost welcome.

My good friend Dr Phil~~says you tell people how to treat you. I believe that~~I also agree with 'breenthumb'. I'd reather not talk with anyone that is mean to me.

None of what I say helps, but if you have been married several years now, this must be your way of communicating, if you do not like it change the way you communicate~~

cheerful1 -- You 'don't communicate well', or you don't say what he wants to hear? I suppose you could write it down. He can read it and show you what parts he doesn't understand.

These silences are death to relationships.

So cheerful and laydeebug how are you both doing?

I really hope things are better for you both. Life is so short to spend it on unnecessary unhappiness.

Best of luck.

((Duct-tape his mouth shut when he goes to sleep??))

ole joyful

I'm not doing so well. Things were ok for a little while; I did something dumb yesterday (more like a "brain fart" for lack of a better word). Had the silent treatment all day.

If it was just a matter of taking each problem as it comes, then we could get past. He sees every problem as a part of my personality that won't change.

Why do you put up with it? It is a form of abuse.

Cheerful, Colleen is right it is a form of abuse~~you need to go to counseling. Counseling does not mean the 'D' word. It can help you stand up for yourself and learn to communicate how you do and do not want to be treated.

I do not know your age~~if you are a senior maybe you can go to your local Senior Center and they may have someone you can talk too. Maybe the YWCA or your church or another church may have something.

You do not have to put up with this!

If you are so *awful*, why doesn't he leave you?

Have to say I wonder about your user name here: "Cheerful One"? Is it ever OK for you to be grumpy? (I once worked with a man who was on meds for his clinical depression, but was always 'down' anyway. He once said he "liked a 'girl' to be pert and upbeat". Gah.)

The name is from something my old boss wrote about my job description, basically do this, this, this, this,etc., be cheerful about all the above. I referred to him as my "20 years of hard labor".

I think I need to change my username. Don't feel cheerful at all.

My husband never gave me the silent treatment but once, early in our marriage (it's going on 43 years now), I didn't talk to him for 4 days....he refers to it as the "happiest" 4 days of his life....laughs...then I smack him...

You both need counseling. People that supposedly love you should not act this way. If the one husband has cut off family, even his son, that is a clue. I say counseling and possible divorce, sorry, but the stress of this is not good for either of you.

chisue: I think he wants me to make the first move, so he can say that I walked out, without anyone thinking he "pushed" me out. His pride and ego get in the way of a lot of things.

That being said, I don't want people to think I'm completely blameless; I just feel the "punishment" doesn't fit the "crime".

STOP already! Of course you are not perfect. We assume there are two sides here, but...this 'sulking' sounds like he's an overgrown spoiled brat. Was he one? (There are also people who have so little self-worth that they keep pushing others to dump them, just to get the 'waiting' over with.)

Anyway...you'll have to make your list of pro's and con's about continuing to live this way, then take action. Can't waste your life hoping someone ELSE will change.

Cheerful, what is the something dumb you did that made him start the silent treatment? Okay if you don't want to say. But this is a form of mental abuse almost as bad as him doing the opposite and yelling/cursing you.

I have been married for many years and this has never happened . But my parents once didn't talk for a day, and it traumatized me as a young child. They had the happiest 50 year marriage I ever saw ,so this was such an anomaly, so scary. Seek counseling or leave him.

Cheerful, you may be 'Addicted to the Drama' goggle/bing it. Through my counseling I have found, the situations I was having the most trouble with, had become my addictions~~I put up boundries, and walk away when it becomes more than I want to be involved in. If I could I got rid of toxic people from my life, if I could not X them out for what ever reasons, I just limit my time with them.

This is my one and only life and I refuse to spend it with people I do not care for or do things that are way out of my comfort zone.

Are better off with him or without him?? Do the pro and con list~~~communicate your feelings with him~~not when you are fighting but when things are calm talk!

You are afraid of the unknown. Right now you have a familiar place to live and a lifestyle that you are accustomed to. It is so very difficult to make a move.
As so many suggested, try to get therapy for yourself.
Even if we play devil's advocate and "blame' you for the reason your husband is upset, this is still not how to treat another person, especially a wife.
I think once you have the tools to deal with your situation, your answer will become more clear.

lily316: I had emailed him to tell him about some money I was getting at work (I call it a "finders fee"). He asked me a question that I misunderstood and I answered accordingly. He said "that's not what I asked", and went on about how I don't know how to communicate.

Wow! That's such an non issue to get him upset. I think he is the one with problems, not you.

I would guess that the individual things that are making him upset are not the problem, just red herrings. He's obviously miserable and taking it out on you, but there are some people who just won't open up, even to those whom they love the most. Can you go to a counselor alone? She/he may help you find clarity. I'll say a prayer for you, Cheerful, because you're in a tough position.

Thank you all for the great responses and insight.

Could your husband be suffering from depression and not admitting it or aware that is his problem?

"went on about how I don't know how to communicate."

Rather ironic to me the one using the silent treatment to punish you is the one accusing YOU of not knowing "how to communicate."

It's been stressed over and over, GO to counseling. WITH or WITHOUT.

In fact, I suggest you go with out. You need to learn how to stand up for yourself.
No one can make you feel inferior without your permission, and you are giving him permission to stomp all over you.

Please get some help.

So what if he can say it was you that walked out? If anyone asks, just tell them you has thought you were marrying a man instead of a sulky child and had finally concluded after all this time it was unlikely to happen.

Only two people who are in a marriage really know their marriage. But, when a marriage is not working, it is difficult to hide. Would anyone really be surprised if you decided to separate?
Sometimes couples can love each other but not be compatible. For whatever reason the two of you do not communicate well. If we take a physical problem like depression out of the equation, it could be that your DH just doesn't think you understand him. At this point, maybe after many, many years, he is disgusted and withdrawing.
This is why a therapist can help the two of you. Giving your spouse the silent treatment as he has done is not acceptable in a marriage.
I would b e curious to know what your DH would say if you asked him, "Do you want to stay married?"

"He sees every problem as part of my personality that won't change", huh?

??

Horsefeathers!

ole joyful

I think that laydeebug72 post has been hijacked. She and Cheerful both have problems, but let's not lose contact with laydeebug72, the OP.

Hi cheerful one (who'd like to have a second such around the house),

What would you say to the suggestion that you start your own post?

As there may be differences/nuances in your situation which we might tend to get mixed up with ladeebug's, the original poster.

I don't mean this to be critical of, and certainly not dismissive of, your presenting here, in any way.

It just seems to me to be a good idea to keep each scenario separate. While there are similarities, no doubt there are substantial differences, as well, which may have an effect on the ways that we might choose to respond to your need.

ole joyful

It was never my intent to hijack this post; my apologies to laydeebug72.

Oops, hijack was not the right word. Should have said something like 'the post has taken a different road'. So sorry cheerful1.

You are both hurting and I wish I had a magic answer.

Sorry if you felt that I was accusing you of hijackijng, cheerful1.

It is natural for someone to speak of his/her own similar experience, as you did.

When there was a substantial discussion relating to your situation, I felt that it would be preferable if that discussion could well take place elsewhere, as the circumstances, while similar in some ways, might well be different in others, and there could be confusion as to which scenario was which.

I tried to explain that I did not intend to be critical of you: guess it was inadequate.

I didn't have a feeling within myself that you were hijacking, let alone not having said as much.

Good wishes for at least some small successes in getting the issue resolved ... and we hope that it can be fully resolved, in order that your life can be more satisfactory.

ole joyful

Looks as though these words of mine ...

... have resulted in ...

... some shut mouths.

Sorry about that.

Please don't take your dolls and dishes and go home, gals ... this was a nice party ...

... well, maybe a "helpful" one, would be more accurate.

At least, I hope that each of your felt some understanding and empathy, as well as some good ideas, being offered.

ole joyful

I read amy fiddlers advice and didn't read on. What she said was spot on.

Here's something I found and will try to live

I wonder how laydeebug is? It's sad when people experiencing much pain never get back to say how they're doing. We can only hope and pray things have improved.

I have been wondering also sjerin. I hope she can check back in just to let us know how she's doing.

I also hope cheerful1 will check in.