Well, I have never been there. I hope to never be, so I don't know why I'm even answering this! lol
But that's never stopped me before!

Have you tried counseling? I think you should give it a go. Make an appointment for the both ofyou.

My parents' was such a bad marriage that I prayed for them to divorce. I was 12 when they did and was glad.

My daughter was 18 mos when I left, so she wouldn't remember us living together. I didn't feel any guilt because I knew it was the right thing to do. He tried to make me feel guilty, but it didn't work.

I can understand you feeling guilty. You're not letting them down though. Children survive divorce every day, and if they witness how bad the marriage is, it's best to free them from it anyway. Besides that, you deserve to be happy and able to find it elsewhere. Moreover, you don't deserve to be unhappy.

If it doesn't involve abuse, is marriage counseling an option?

You don't say why the marriage isn't working but if it involves any form abuse, don't think about leaving. Leave.

Best to you whatever your decision.

have you tried any other options like counseling?

thankfully i didn't have any children and it was pretty much a given, since x declared he didn't love me anymore...that same night i was gone (to friend's home)
the next day my mom was on her way, had found a lawyer, and his stuff was packed and sitting in the living room. there was no trying and i'd given a lot for 4 years. it was simple process for me since we didn't have anything but our respective cars and household items.

with children it's a different story. you have to make sure of their well-being, finances, insurance, housing. despite the fact you and he arn't together, he will still be the kids dad the rest of his life, and you'll have to learn to work together.

as for guilt, you might have some but if it's affecting the kids adversly, you should be guilty more. noone likes to admit defeat or failure.

i'd talk to a parent or close friend. see if they feel the same way you do...

Depends on what your reasons are. I left mine because of infidelity. It is always the kids that are hurt in a divorce.
Leslie

I wanted a divorce long before I got one. The main reason we stayed together as long as we did was because of economical reasons. There was no abuse or cheating involved so we endured each other. The place where I worked had shut down and I was umemployed. I had a 4 year old dd and had legal custody of my 15 year old brother and knew as soon as I found another job we were going our separate ways. I got a job at a convenience store and dh left. I worked there a few months and then got a job at Kellogg. That job was a Godsend.

We've been divorced over 37 years and have remained friendly towards each other the whole time, but I cannot explain to you the amount of relief I felt when we finally did split up. It was like the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders.

There were times when I felt guilty about wanting out of our marraige, but we either never truly, deeply loved each other or we fell out of love. I'm not sure which. I just know we were miserable and we weren't doing the kids any favors by staying together and arguing all the time. I had custody of the kids, but dh was able to see or talk to our dd whenever he wanted.

Good luck to you in your decision.

Linda

My DH and I fought constantly - not physically just yelling but I felt like it would be better for the kids if we weren't together rather than having us together like that. He worked all the time and was never home. I felt like I was raising the kids by myself. I figured I might as well be by myself at least there would be no fighting and it would be peaceful. That was 11 years ago. My kids were 3 and 5. My exDH and I are really good friends now. It took a few years to get there though. It's good for the kids that we get along.

...how did you know it was the right time to go, and did you have any guilt?

I didn't have children, but I will address your question anyway. I married young the first time around to a man much older than me. About the time I turned 25, he was in his late 30s, and I couldn't quite envision spending the rest of my life with him. There was some drug and alcohol use, and I later found out about his infidelity. Anyway, it just wasn't working for me. Yes, I felt guilty but jumped right back into another mess with DH#2. More drugs and alcohol, but this time there was some abuse. When did I know? Well, the night he was out drinking and I was worried sick...and then he came home and puked in the bed. He wouldn't let me sleep on the couch - made me sleep with him in the bed. I laid there for hours hoping he would throw up again and drown in it. Sad but true. There was an incident with a gun, too... *rolling eyes*

After he went through treatment and we both sought counseling, we tried one last time to make it work but by then, I knew in my heart that it was over. I suppose I did feel guilty, and he was truly the one that made my heart go pitter-patter.

I'm sorry you are going through this. It's a hard way to live because life seems to be suspended in this 'twilight zone' where you can't really move forward. Best of luck in whatever you decide.

Thank you to everyone who answered. There is no physical abuse or infidelity, we just do not get along at all. He also is for lack of a better term very lazy. He works, but not enough to support his family.He is always saying he is going to find a better job, but never does. Just last week he quit his job,saying he was sick of the b.s. there, so now we are really struggling. He didnt tell me he quit and when I finally asked he said, yeah he quit but didnt want to hear me gripe. He also said Im not working so what is the difference. We have a 3 year old and a 9 year old. Normally we both work, but I have had to take a break from work due to a very bad back (i need surgery, but do not have insurance at the time). He spends his days laying on the couch watching t.v. My parents help us out alot with bills groceries etc. It is becoming a strain on my relationship with my parents because they feel he should be supporting his family, not them. I agree 100% but at the same time, I am not working so feel it is also my fault. We have split up 3 times but I have always gone back to him when he started giving me guilt trips. My son who is 9 told me he was happy when we were separated. I dont know why I feel guilty, but I also know this marriage is not really a marriage. Thanks again, I hope this makes sense.

I'm not married and have no advice from a parenting standpoint, but I can identify with your son. My parents always had an adversarial relationship and my mom finally left my dad when I was your son's age and we moved several states away from him. Those were really good times for us kids, but I'm sure it was terrifying for my mother as she hadn't worked outside the home before and everything was now on her shoulders.

Unfortunately she went back to him after a few months and that caused us to not have any contact at all with my grandparents (whom I was very close with). The rest of my childhood wasn't good times. She always said she went back to him for our benefit and that always infuriated me. We didn't ask her to and we didn't want her to. They're still together but it's not an example of a loving relationship at all, more like a warning of what sort of bitterness and unhappiness two people can inflict on themselves and those around them when they choose to stay together for the wrong reasons. Kids will obviously adapt either way, but don't be guilt-tripped into thinking a separation is the worst thing you can do to your kids. Sometimes the opposite is true.

I've never had kids, but...

I was married the first time in 1970. We were divorced in early 1979. Midway through our marriage he seemed to undergo a radical personality change. He was never ever abusive or unfaithful, but he was just... different. He got a paycheck every week. I was working, too, and got paid every two weeks. He'd always been good about the household finances, but gradually that changed. He'd cash his check, buy something crazy, and then bring home whatever was left over. For example, one payday he came home and told me that he'd bought a motorcycle. Okaaay... but he'd never, ever, mentioned wanting a motorcycle. Turned out that one of the guys at work needed money for some medical bills for one of his kids - the portion that the insurance didn't cover. So, hubs decided to "help him out" by buying the guy's bike (the guy was trying to sell the bike to raise the funds). Another time, one of the other guys at work needed money, so hubs bought a telescope from him. We already had a really nice telescope that we never used, but, hey, he was helping out his buddy... It got to the point where I was having to pull money out of my inheritance to pay the mortgage and utility bills every month. Helping other folks with their financial problems became more important than maintaining our financial health...

Anyway, that's just a small example of stuff... but he just wasn't the guy I fell in love with and married. I wasn't happy; and I knew that I couldn't stay with him. It was difficult, but I had to do what was best for me.

And for you -- you have to do not only what's best for you, but also what's best for your kids. I grew up in an incredibly happy, loving, wonderful home, but my best friend didn't. Her parents were staying together "for the sake of the kids," but she and her siblings were miserable. They knew their parents weren't happy, and THEY felt guilty that they were "making their parents stay together" when they knew their parents would be happier and better off if they were apart. So even if your husband does try to lay a guilt trip on you -- let him try; but don't let either of you lay a guilt trip on your kids.

And my first hubs? Turned out the personality changes were caused by an inoperable malignant brain tumor. Sad, 'cause he was a really great guy.

But my "new" hubs (we've been together since 1981, and married since 1986) is awesome. :-)

Just from the little bit that you wrote, it sounds like you've got an irresponsible freeloader on your hands. Your parents should not be helping out in this way...it really isn't helping is it?If you feel like you love him, then go for some counselling alone and then together. You guys have to have a plan to get your lives working together and to be productive. This situation is not teaching your kids anything positive. I hope I don't sound too harsh. Guilt will lead to resentment. No good ever came from being together out of guilt. I wish you lots of luck and most of all the strenght within yourself to do whatever it is that you feel in your heart is right for you and for the kids.

". My son who is 9 told me he was happy when we were separated."

I say get out now. No reason to feel guilty if that is how your son feels. I say the only reason to feel guilty is for the kids, but he is HAPPIER when you are not with the dh. Get out now. OUr community has a lot of resources to help people in situations like this. CALL.... you can probably find funds for some tech schooling for a good job too. YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
let your parents know, they might be willing to help in some way! Especially with emotional support!

My first marriage ended in divorce after 12 years and three small children. He left me for a few young girls. I knew it was time when I was served the papers!

I did feel terrible because I am an idealist, our home and family were being disrupted, and because I loved him so very much. I don't know, to this day, 27 years later, how much of it was my fault and exactly when it went down the tubes.

zayarayama,

Life is too short, you need out now. The best thing you can do for yourself, your son, and your Hubby.

Gayle