Still Having a Very Rough Time...

17 years ago

in the loss of my husband on November 6, 2008. I am seeing a counselor to help me work through my feelings, but it is so hard.!!!!

My son, DIL and grandchildren have moved in which helps somewhat, but they are away this weekend, so right now is not a good time for me.

I just want my husband back even though I know that is not possible.

Thanks for listening.

Sheryl - NJ

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Comments (29)

sheesh
17 years ago
Of course you're still having a rought time, Sheryl. It's barely two months since your tremendous loss. You can't rush through grief, you just have to bear it somehow. I'm glad you're seeing a counselor. I know how trite this is, but, eventually, time will help.

Peace.

Sherry
lindaohnowga
17 years ago
(((((((Sheryl )))))) Hugs of comfort for you. I can't even begin to know what you are going through, but I pray for comfort for you, and know that only time can begin to heal your pain.
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Hi Linda, My Megan was a Lab cross. I'll put her picture below. With those prick ears and long silky hair, I always shake my head and laugh a bit how every vet who ever saw her called her a lab at first sight! Megan came to us when she was maybe a year and a half old. Her Daddy was my neighbor's son. He had just that week retired from his job on a loading dock at Ford Motor Company. He was a bit of an odd guy, I guess. Maybe he was a touch mentally ill or maybe he had Asperger's, but he did not like people too much, and he did not see his family much at all. But he must have arranged to see someone from work, and when he did not show, they came looking for him. He did not answer the door, but Megan was there, barking. The coworker knew that that he never went anywhere without his dog, so he called the police. Megan even went to work with him each day! Turns out he was dead, he had died of a heart attack four days earlier. Megan was so well trained that she had not gone to the bathroom in the house! Well, the sheriff took the dog while they tracked down family for the dead man. After the funeral, the son went to the animal shelter and claimed the dog. But when he brought his dad's dog home, his own dog, who was prone to seizures, went into seizures and they knew Megan could not stay. That is where I came in. His grandmother knew that I was wanting a good dog after an experience with a rescue dog with fear-biting problems. She pretty much insisted, and Megan was very sweet, so that is how I got the best, most well-behaved dog I ever knew. Megan was so good that we could walk away from a sandwich left on the coffee table and come back and she would not have touched it. She never considered getting on furniture. You could not entice her to get on the couch with you. She was trained to ring a bell to go out in one day. Megan died of cancer when she was nine, too. My father-in-law called me at work and told me that she had come into his room, crying, and was having trouble walking. I went home, tried to call my husband, tried to call our vet, and waited for someone to get back to me. Toby, our younger dog, was at the vet that day having surgery to make sure his fatty deposits were nothing more than fat. The vet was likely in surgery. Later, I learned that my husband was in the gym. Finally, my husband got home and we loaded Megan in the car. By then, she could not walk. She weighed almost 70 lbs, and I could not carry her myself. We used a halter and a sling to hoist her into the dog bed in the car. The vet thought that she had internal bleeding, but his blood testing machine was not working well, and we could not get a count, so we opted to take our other dog home, and take Megan to the ER. We walked into the ER and the vet saw Megan. Our vet had called ahead, so he knew what to expect. Before he even examined her, he said, "it is probably cancer. She probably has tumors, one is bleeding and when I do surgery I am going to find that it is not just one tumor, but she is full of tumors. If the primary tumor is the liver, I will anesthetize her right there during surgery." When I asked how he knew this without even examining her, he said, "she is a lab." We visited Megan in the oxygen pen before we left. I knew from the demeanor of the vet that she did not really have a chance. At 1 am we got the call. She was full of liver cancer. I drove back to sit with her still body a while. I got some clippings of her fur and took deep breaths of her distinctive scent. Looking back, we could see that she was uncomfortable. We thought it was anxiety. It looked like anxiety to us, but I am a social worker, and husband has anxiety problems. It was pain. It was discomfort. She had to have rawhide to chew every night not because of habit or anxiety, but because it distracted her from the pain. Now that I know what that looks like, no dog of mine will suffer like that again. So sorry Megan. That husky who gave you those prick ears and long fur and the love of romping and wrestling gave you some special skills. You could talk and say "no-oooo," "Mama," "right now!" but you could not say, "it hurts so bad!" Here is a link that might be useful: Megan and all the rest of our dogs
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pattico_gw
17 years ago
I can imagine.....

Wish I could help.

Hugs...

patti
ont_gal
17 years ago
(((((Sheryl)))))
ruthieg__tx
17 years ago
Sheryl, I feel so bad for you but I can only tell you that you have just got to have time. It takes a long time to come to terms with the loss of a mate. A long long time...just try to keep busy and keep your mind occupied...It will get better eventually...I promise you.
cynic
17 years ago
I'm sure the holidays were rough for you too. There's nothing wrong with still grieving. And it's good that you can say it, talk about it and that you know you can't change it. Hey, there's loved ones I know I can't have back but still WISH I could. You're not alone.

Just wondering about something. Would it be too hard for you to do some writing? Write a little journal about all the good times and funny things that happened. Maybe even a few unpleasant things that you worked out or something. If that wouldn't be too tough on you it could be a nice way to deal with your time alone and put down in writing the memories. There's times I've sent emails to people talking about memories and such. Was helpful to me, but of course everyone is different.

I'll share a secret with you. I talk to my mother and one or two other dearly departed on occasion. Might shed a few tears, or start laughing for no apparent reason, but afterward, I feel better. I had a visit, and enjoyed it. Lock me up!

We're here whenever you need us. Maybe you want to tell us a story or two?
monica_pa Grieves
17 years ago
((Sheryl)))

It'll take time. It took me really a year before I was functioning normally. I thought I was doing fine, but one morning, a year later, I woke up and realized that I had been in a sort of fog for months.

I now it's tough...your future plans and expectations have been wiped away.

Talk about your late DH, remember the fun times...they can never be destroyed.

One day at a time...and look ahead to the future.
Linda Wayman
17 years ago
(((((Sheryl))))) I have no advice to add to what has already been said, but did want to let you know I'm so sorry for the pain you are going through. We are here for you.

Linda
veta
17 years ago
I am so sorry for your loss, and I completely understand the weight of grief you are carrying. I lost my husband last July 21st and am still grieving. It does become easier to deal with as time passes but is always there. I, too, still talk to my departed husband and find it comforting. I hope your counseling will help you. Sending prayers and good thoughts your way.
Veta
grammahony
17 years ago
I didn't think I'd ever get to a point where I wouldn't hurt when I'd think of my DH. He's been gone 8 1/2 years, and I still miss him. But, I've learned if I fill my time, and keep busy, I don't dwell on the lonesomeness I feel. I try to keep busy with my Mom, and my kids and grandkids. Usually with my Mom though, because my kids and DGK's seem to be busy with their own life.
Like Monica said, your plans for the future have all been changed. I was almost ready to retire and travel with my DH when he died. He was 52 and I was 55 (ya, I robbed the cradle)when he died. I retired at 57. Dang. I still get mad at the fact that finally I had a loving DH and we only had 6 1/2 years together. But, at least I know what a good marriage was.
Leslie
joy_va
17 years ago
I know the pain you are feeling because I too have lost my DH. It has been six years and it is better but Never gone or forgotten. Take baby steps and one day at a time and do whatever makes you feel better whether it be talking or being by yourself or whatever. We are each different and we respond differently and grief is definitely an individual and private experience. I do find that keeping busy helps me keep from constantly thinking of my situation and it gives me new purpose. I am so sorry that you had to join the club that noone wants to be in.
kacram
17 years ago
(((((Sheryl)))))))))) (((((((((((all that have lost a spouse)))))))))

JOY! I still have the little goodies you sent me when I was first diagnosed with my cancer! HI HI HI!~
country_bumpkin_al
17 years ago
Sheryl..here's my hand for you to hold and I'm also offering my shoulder to you to cry/lean on! Like a lot of the others here, I also understand what you're going through, and the reality of everything has just started to settle in around me.

I'm going to see if I can email you through your My Page. If not, please feel free to email me at countrybumpkin @ microxl.com (no space before or after the @)
gneegirl
17 years ago
Sherry, at times like this, I always wish I could do/say more. It is so hard to get through such a loss. I lost my DD when she was 18 - almost 14 yrs ago. People tried to comfort me but I couldn't grasp their help at the time. I was in so much pain - but was still functioning, that its only within the last few years, that I remember how much support people sent my way - even strangers. But I remember when it all happened, that I kept telling people that although my loss was great, it would be awful to loose a mate - a relationship you had spent a lifetime nurturing, for it to be whisked away in a moment. A very close friend lost her husband when he was young in a tragic auto accident. She had 2 babies. I always look to her for strength. My mom spent all my life single, and finally met and married someone very special. He died suddenly as well. I know she had a tough time with it.

I share these experiences to say that although it is a tough pill to swallow, grief such as yours has to go through its course. That's part of the healing process. Most important thing to do is to keep talking, and try writing, as someone else has said. I know that you know we are here. When you have those moments, such as now, just reach out. So many here have experienced it, and have surely survived. My prayer is that you will too, and also have strength and courage to take that one step each day. Smile when you can - even laugh. The tears may come out while you are doing that, but that's OK. You need to do that. I'm glad you are seeking help.

Here's another BIG hug...
drewsmaga
17 years ago
The only thing you MUST remember is that love never dies. My DSIL died 24 yrs. ago; my bestest friend died 13 yrs. ago; my beloved stepmom died 5 yrs ago. . . . but their love for me has never died. It's always there, whenever I need or want it. Yeah, I can talk to them and they can't respond, but I KNOW what they'd say. And I can still feel their love. Like today. Today is T.Jay's birthday. He would have been 33, if he'd lived longer than 4 days. But Ellen, Vivian & Mom's love made it okay today. Find your strength in your husbands's love. It's there for you. Love never dies.
liira
17 years ago
(((((Sheryl)))), one day at a time.
jenson13
17 years ago
I know what u r going thru. I lost my hubby of 45 years, 3 years ago. That first year is hell on earth. No matter what u do it is very hard to get thru. I joined a few grief groups and that was a big help. Just take a day at a time. You MUST move on, and thats not easy. I was blessed with many good friends, and two wonderful sons. Good luck to you.
Granlan_TX
17 years ago
My heart aches for you..you need more time Sheryl, a lot more time.

Take comfort from those around you, including the love of your hubby..you'll have that forever.
gemini40
17 years ago
Sheryl ,I know what you are going through and as others have said it takes time to make the pain bearable.The love of my life has been gone for 7 years now..and I know he is with me every min. of every day.

june
gwanny2three
17 years ago
I feel for you. We sometimes talk about what it would be like without the other. I don't know how I would handle it. We are close and do everything together. I can't imagine the loneliness one feels. I saw my dad live like that for 3 years after my mom passed. Other than times in the hospital is their later years they were together every minute of everyday for 66 years. He tried to hide it from us but we could see how lonely he was even with our huge family around. You never get over it, somehow it just gets easier and you are able to enjoy the memories with a smile instead of the heartache. I know it's easier said than done...but take some time for yourself. I'm glad your seeing a counselor.
molly109
17 years ago
I am so sorry Sheryl. I know exactly what
you are feeling and have felt them all.

I wish I had some wise words - but I don't,
except Hang on tight. And, don't let people
tell you that you "should do this - you should
do that". Everyone is on his own timetable -
do what feels the best for you. At a Widow
site I visit - we call those people DGI's (Don't
Get Its).

Time helps things get better - not good - but
better.

I am so sorry. Hugs.
Marcia Thornley
17 years ago
Sheryl, I only know how I felt when my Dad passed. After a while I was able to bring up memories and smile instead of hurting. Time is your friend. And use us here to talk whenever you want. We'd love to get to know your DH through you.
I do know one thing. When my DH gets home today I will give him a big HUG!
koda04
17 years ago
my thoughts and prayers for all of you who have lost your mates
kittiemom
17 years ago
I'm so sorry. It hasn't been long & you need time to grieve. I'm sure that this was especially difficult during the holiday season. Time will help. Sending good thoughts to help you through this difficult time.
clubm
17 years ago
One day at a time. Time heals but remember they are always
in our hearts. When my father passed I was in a fog for a long time. Hoping it was all a dream and I would wake up from it. I always felt safe when my father was alive. I
haven't had that feeling since he past. I wish you well.
Marilyn
satine_gw
17 years ago
Dear Sheryl, please find a support group as soon as you can. I lost my husband 8 years ago and within a few months I joined a support group for widows and widowers in my age range. It was the best thing I could have done. Nobody understands what you are going through except others who have lost a spouse. I honestly believe that the group saved my sanity and gave me the strength I needed to take care of my then 11 year old daughter. I remain friends with 6 other members from the group and know I can count on them to help me get through the bad days that are still occasionally part of my life. Im so sorry for your loss and can't encourage you enough to find a group that works for you. Satine
carolswfl_2007
17 years ago
Sheryl, I lost my husband to pancreatic cancer 9-13-03. Our church stated a Grief Share program a few months later. It was the best thing that ever happened for me. Like Satine, I made lasting friendships there. We were all brought together for the same reason. Grief is something you don't get over, you get though it. My children were and are there for me, but their lives go on and I am still alone. My new network of friends has been a great help in handling my grief. Please take care. Carol
curlysue
17 years ago
It does take time. My mom said that after we lost dad, it was nearly a year before things began to feel right again.
Hugs to you and you take care of yourself. I am glad that your family can be with you now.
susanjf_gw
17 years ago
this would have been a good weekend to grieve in private..to cry, not dress, or put on a brave front, while the family was gone...we all need time to express our thoughts, and not worry the family...

why not start keeping a journal of the wonderful memories you have to share with the family? bet you have pictures you could lable..i have a whole album of the very early days of my parents and onlt know a handfull of the people...

Still Having a Very Rough Time...

Comments (29)

sheesh

lindaohnowga

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