> SUMMARY OF MY LAST YEAR ON THE COMPUTER *

>
>

> I have to scrub the top of every can I open.

>
> I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny

> Brown)

> who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258 th time.

>
> I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the

> $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating

> in their special e-mail program.

>
> I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out

> for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.

>
> I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant

> freaks with no eyes or feathers.

>
> I no longer use cancer-causing de odorants even though I smell like a

> water

> buffalo on a hot day

>
> I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to

> seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

>
> I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

>
> I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car

> so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

>
> I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these

> products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans .

>
> I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

>
> I know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it

> will

> blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

>
> I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked

> with an infected needle.

>
> I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a

> perfume

> sample and rob me.

>
> I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al

> Qaeda in disguise.

>
> I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our

> American troops or the Salvation Army.

>
> I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number

> for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda ,

> Singapore

> and Uzbekistan .

>
> I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have

> their

> recipe.

>
> I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is

> lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

>
> I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it

> probably

> was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my

> leg.

>
> I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas

> companies!

>
> If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70

> minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this

> afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you

> to

> grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to

> a

> friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's

> cousin's beautician...