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The Kitchen Table

Do you think men

17 years ago

choose SOs who are similar to their moms?

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Comments (29)

stephmc72
17 years ago
Not mine!!!!!!!!! :-)
kathy_
17 years ago
Sometimes. My cousin did and his mom and wife are at war constantly.
I wish I was more like my hubby's mom. I never met her, but apparently she almost qualified for sainthood. *G*
She was studying to be an Episcopal priest when she died.
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Hi everyone! Celeste, first I want to tell you how much I enjoyed your article in the current Heritage Rose Groups newletter. I wish I could do the same thing: wind in my hair, holding on tight, and exploring the highways and byways with my sweet husband via motorcycle, sounds like a lot of fun. Too bad I am scared to death of motorcycles!!! (I cannot believe I just admitted that on this forum!!!) I have loved roses since early childhood, due to my mother's love of them, and spending some time with her in her "garden" (well, just a suburban yard, really, but when you are a preschooler, the whole world is bigger, you know?). I have had small gardens at each home I have lived in, and even when I was young and single, I would at least have houseplants and a rose or two in a large pot out on the patio or deck of my apartments. My husband Johnny and I married in 1996, and he knew from my small pot ghetto at the time that a larger garden would be inevitable once we bought a home together. Although he is not a gardener by nature, he is very much an outdoorsman, and he was content that I would want a nice big garden. Whether it was roses, other flowers, or vegetables would not have interested him at all. We bought our home in 1999, and before we had moved in, the garden plans were beginning inside my head. As soon as we had made this older house habitable inside, I changed my focus to the outside... Being the nice guy that Johnny is, he took my planning and excitement in stride. He could be counted upon to dig some holes, and assist with maintenence. But no way would he help pick what roses and other plants to buy, or help choose where to plant them: "You just tell me where to dig, and I will dig" mentality, lol. I joined the Texas Rose Rustlers, and Johnny has been sweet enough to tag along with me to the meetings. After all, how many times have I gone with him to the deer camp, or out fishing, etc, just so we could spend some time together? He met several men in that club that are avid gardeners of every description, particularly rose gardening. He listened to the speakers at each meeting, he joined in the socialization, he made friends with all the sweet older ladies that think of him as one of the nicest guys they have met... and before you knew it, he was asking questions, becoming curious about soil science, propagation, hybridization, and even would love to try his hand at growing roses from seed. Several years and hundreds of planting holes later, Johnny still doesn't consider himself a gardener. He leaves that distinction to me. He is the gardener's helper in his mind. He has lots of pictures of me in the garden that he loves, and I know it is not just that the pictures are of his wife! I think one would have to be heartless to spend so much time caring for the earth and not be able to develop an abiding love for the plants that you have nurtured! And anyone that knows Johnny, knows that he is a man with a very big, very happy and loving heart! Does he get teased for gardening with me? Not that I have ever heard. Would it bother him? I doubt it. He is pretty strong minded, and can hold his own in any circumstances (except for needles.... he nearly passed out during a minor procedure once, but that is a tale for a different sort of forum!) I wonder what sort of folks would think it odd for a man to garden? Maybe I am naive, but gardening is pretty common here in Texas. Lots of us come from Farming roots. And there are generations of hybridizers to look to for the nobility of the art of gardening. How many of the founding fathers of the United States were gentleman farmers before they were called to become patriots? I doubt they *only* grew their cash crops, but probably also grew things that they fancied. ... That reminds me that Thomas Jefferson was just such a man. His garden journals still exist, and he was, I think, the original American "Master Gardener"! Maybe there are problems with people's thinking nowadays, to disparage a man for being agrarian, rather than just a hunter-gatherer! Seems to me that agriculture was a step up on the evolutionary pathway. My final thoughts: Anyone that is foolish enough to question the masculinity of a male gardener is deserving of having a whiskey barrel full of compost, or a trash can full of fermented alfalfa tea dumped on their head! And anyone that stops to think about it will realize that rose gardening ain't for sissies! Most roses have big, mean thorns, and they bite. Anybody that would laugh at a guy that wrestles Mermaid without fear is lacking in brainpower. And last but not least, as Poodlepup knows, men that grow roses... yeah, they're hot! And most of them don't even know it! Allison
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Comments (26)
I think its difficult to discuss things, if you feel it will start an argument. This is the same situation for me. I think we just have to work hard at finding ways to be more assertive, and to communicate in such a way, as to not sound like we are blaming them. This is easier said than done. I think its okay to say "I am going to say something, that you probably won't like to hear, but this is of concern to me and I have to get it off my chest". If you "prepare" him for a comment that he won't like,then surely this is the only way to get through. I do this myself, I anguish for days, hours on how I will "say" things, but gee if they are bothering me, isn't it okay to bring it up ? Trouble is, its often taken as a criticism, when that is not my intention, at all. Try reading some books about communication, it might open your eyes on how you can voice what you are thinking and then get the response you are looking for. I think one should be able to say anything, in a marriage, if it is said with love, and concern, for the marriage. Keep trying to get through. What have you said today, to alleviate your worries with this man ? Popi
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Comments (27)
Bob, it's not that I thought you had an "alterior" motive, I was giving my cynical, sarcastic take on the art of flirting. I also said that being humane and cordial and flirting are not mutually exclusive activities, they can be done separately, or mixed, but they can be confused one for the other, hence why women may be more inclined to risk the whole endeavor, cordial, sexy or humane, with someone who is "safe" emotionally, i.e. with someone with whom there is no fear of rejection, or with someone who might not be an ax murderer since he at least has a girlfriend or wife he hasn't done in yet. :-) If you feel like you're invisible or are striking out a lot in your attempts to court women, (flirt, be humane, whatever you want to call it) don't be discouraged. Any woman of a "certain age" will tell you that one of the hardest parts about growing older, is gradually becoming "invisible" to men. Not all men, but a lot of them. You find yourself having a pleasant cordial conversation with a middle aged man, you start to wonder if he's single and available, you consider sending out a tiny feeler in that direction, and then a young woman walks into the room and "poof," you vanish. This doesn't happen all the time, but often enough to be a recognizable phenomenon. The whole process is just agonizing any way you cut it. I repeat, DO NOT BE DISCOURAGED. For every woman who treats you like you don't exist, there are five others wishing someone would notice them and treat them like they exist! It's just a matter of these two people finding each other. Keep trying! :-)
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western_pa_luann
17 years ago
not mine either... I WISH I was more like my MIL!
susan_on
17 years ago
God, I HOPE not!!
lindyluwho
17 years ago
Put my name on what Susan_on said.

Linda
carla35
17 years ago
In many aspects, yes....

often same thing with women and their husbands/ fathers
nancylouise5me
17 years ago
God I hope not! I'm nothing like my MIL was, and very happy to be so. My husband chose the exact opposite! NancyLouise
deemarie5500
17 years ago
No, he did not want another mom.
lydia1959
17 years ago
I do know of one guy whose wife looks very much like his mother... but I don't think it is true in most cases.

I am nothing like my MIL. Not in looks or in personality.
marilyn_c
17 years ago
I am not at all similar to my husband's mother, but he lost his mother when he was 6 years old, and I think because I am a very nurturing person, that he finds comfort in that....however, when we got married as teenagers, I don't think it was something either one of us realized.
azzalea
17 years ago
I think my husband would be the first to tell you I'm nothing like his mother. And my mom was absolutely nothing at all like my dad's mom. So that hasn't been true here.

On the other hand, I did manage to find a guy who is very like my father--great husband, caring, considerate, artistic (although he doesn't think he is) and the kind of guy who can fix anything around the house. just like my dad. And my SIL married a man she could walk all over--just like she's always done to her dad, so maybe the other side of the coin works.
yayagal
17 years ago
According to Freud, we choose a mate who has some of the characteristics of either parent. In other words, you either marry your Mom or your Dad. I'd say that I married my Mom due to the similarities in disposition and my DH married his Dad. Is this wrong????? :-)
User
17 years ago
Oh boy if I'm like my mother in law kill me now.........
Linda Wayman
17 years ago
Bob sure didn't. I never met his mother because she died a couple of years before Bob and I met, but if I was like he said she was I would have a hard time buying clothes to fit over those wings and that halo.

Linda
trinitytx
17 years ago
I adore my MIL and hope that he finds me as patient and as kind as she is. I am one of the lucky ones.

On the flip side, my DH reminded me of my dad from the minute I met him, and that was enough for me.

Trin
anneliese_32
17 years ago
Not my husband. I wished I would be like my DML, she was my best friend.
Pieonear
17 years ago
Lordy, I sure hope not!!!!
vannie
17 years ago
No, no, no, no, no. She did enjoy cooking and I'd take that, but I am nothing like her. Of course, I'm not much like my mother, either. And DH is not much like my daddy, so Freud, maybe you were wrong!!! Let's see, id, ego, super ego!!!
good36
17 years ago
Mine sure didn't! I do love my MIL to death though. She is very quiet and I well..... am not.
linda_in_iowa
17 years ago
Some of them do. I have a close friend whose DIL is so much like her. The two are good friends and joke about how much they are alike and then the DIL says "Don't tell Wes".
caflowerluver
17 years ago
I am the total opposite of his mother and he thanks his lucky stars that I am. She has a good heart but has LOTS of problems and they never did get along. Maybe that is why he choose her opposite.
Clare
des_arc_ya_ya
17 years ago
I think that in a lot of important ways to Twinkie I AM like his mom. Her family was the most important thing in the world to her - so is mine. She believed in the goodness in people - I try! LOL She has a sense of humor and was a good friend. I'd like to think that we have all those things in common.

She was a close friend of mine. I had her as a MIL for 12 years and I miss her everyday.
User
17 years ago
I sure hope not!
clubm
Original Author
17 years ago
My dh is nothing like my dad and I really don't see how I am like his mom.
joyfulguy
17 years ago
I think that I smell a certain difference of opinion around here, tonight.

ole joyful

P.S. My Mom was out of my life from when I was about 5 and 6 (died when I was 13, after few years in psych. hosp. - where my ex- later worked), but I think that she and my ex- were quite different.

o j
wildchild
17 years ago
I think men pick women according to their perception of mom. They may think they are going against the grain but often are not.
carla35
17 years ago
I think the responses are funny because in reality the people you are most like are often the ones that you like the least. People tend to think that they like and associate with people that are most like them, but often, it's just the opposite. Plus, it's very hard to define what "being like" someone means... I personally don't think it means you both like to cook, watch soap operas, or prefer to dye your hair blonde. I think it has more to do with personality traits. And, often those personality traits we seem to hate in others, we hate so much, because we subconsciously see them as weaknesses in ourselves even though we may not admit to it.

Fact is, good or bad, people are attracted to what they are used to.. Women with abusive fathers tend to marry abusive men (they don't like being abused.. it's just the norm for them in a way)... Men that have domineering mothers, like it or not, often marry domineering women, etc. You may not want to think you are like your MIL, but I bet in many, many ways maybe some of you are. The fact that it sounds like many of you dislike your MIL's doesn't necessarily prove you're not like them. In fact, it may be pointing the opposite direction.
Toni S
17 years ago
My MIL is wonderful, I appreciate my FIL more everyday,, but we really don't have much in common. I love animals, they don't. She waits on her dh, all the time. I do my best but dh can cook and clean (since I taught him), and happily takes care of himself when we are busy. I don't domineer him ever, I fully expect,,, respect and we do that for each other.
I married my dh because I thought he was the one guy that met most of my desires. And he was NOTHING like my dad, which was first on my list. Dh is kind, like his mom and dad so I felt good he didn't fall far from their good character. My mom is a good mom but didn't have much backbone as I was growing up. (she did bloom later tho). I guess I can say I've developed that backbone, seeing what she had to put up with. My dh is definitely not like my mom either. Can't put that into words,lol, they just aren't. We all like each other and that means so much. I hope that lasts forever.

Neither one of us choose a spouse like our parents even though we ACT like our parents quite a bit.

I didn't really answer the question, guess I'm not sure people still do that as often as they might have in the past.
nan_nc
17 years ago
I sure hope DH didn't marry his perception of his mom! He loves her, but has very little respect for her, and unfortunately shows it.

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