Well, I've certainly managed to provoke a discussion :). I appreciate all of the different insights. Let me just start by saying that I'm certain the bride's decision not to invite children to the reception was not meant to hurt me specifically and was certainly not about me. I didn't think that I gave that impression but it looks like I must have. I'm hurt because I won't be able to bring my son to the wedding. I wanted him to be included, to dress him up & show him off, to let him see his cousins all dressed up...whatever my reasons, there they are & they are mine. This is going to be a large wedding and there are a lot of children in the extended families. Mine is not the only child that will be excluded. And I would NEVER ask nor expect her to make an exception for my son! It's her day, it should happen as she wants it to. That doesn't change the fact that I'm still upset that he will be. Am I being irrational? Maybe but that's how I feel. And I'm making the assumption that my niece told my mom because she wanted word to get back to me. I could be totally wrong about that. Sue36- there would not have been a confrontation. I'm not like that. If I WAS that sort of person I would have had my niece on the phone last night. As I said, I understand her reasons. But I'm still hurt. Momj47- we did attend a wedding with our son when he was about 18 months (specifically invited with child). He ran us ragged and it was certainly a day spent on alert rather than enjoying the event. I'm trying to look at this as a bright side to the "no kids" decision for my niece's wedding. And not having to be in mom mode for a few hours will be nice. Bunglogrl- how to put this. My family does not have the same "respect your elders" policy that yours does. It's rather a "my way or the highway". My mother has always been accomodating, never making waves and doing everything to keep the peace. As a result family members feel free to speak to her disrespectfully and basically tell her what's to be done. I'm the only one that calls them on it. The accepted method of communication within my family seems to be the grapevine method. She complains to you, you complain to somebody else & eventually word gets back to the complainee. I hate this, absolutely loathe it. I'm sure that in 4 months I can find a babysitter. Of course I suspect that my husband is delighted with the idea of skipping the wedding & not having to be subjected to my extended family for a few hours. Lowspark- you're absolutely right, it has become the norm for parents to expect to take their children everywhere. But what I've noticed is that lots of these children are brought but not supervised. There are many times at the playground where I'm the only parent on top of their child. I'm not saying that I'm mother of the year, just that as a consequence a lot of these children are out of control. And formal functions seem no different than the playground. At a christening a few weeks ago there was only one other child there with a parent that was keeping him in line. The rest of the children ran wild through the restaurant, the bar, etc. But both you & mrsmarv seem to "get" me so I must be getting my point across somehow. I think? Nina

Liltingbelle has it exactly right. The fact that they are both women is irrelevant for your purpose, so you do the same as if they were one man and one woman not officially married but living together as a permanent couple. "And guest" and even two separate invitations would seem like you are refusing to acknowledge them as a social unit or, worse, making a judgment. Follow your first instinct and send them one invitation, addressed to Ms. Jane Doe and Ms. Mary Smith.

One of my daughter's friends had done exactly something similar to what you are planning. Her wedding ceremony was on a dinner boat cruise on a river and included only the wedding party and immediate family (and spouses/significant others of the bridal party) during late morning through mid afternoon. Maybe 40 people max total. She wore a formal wedding gown and veil, but she and her sister (bridesmaid) wore jeweled flip flops for shoes! The groom and father of the bride were also attired in formal tuxedoes. But after that, everyone cut loose! Her reception was an outdoor, beach themed reception which included inviting a lot of other friends and extened family. I think there were about 100 people at that reception. Everyone changed into casual clothes - shorts, Hawaiian shirts, etc. and they had leis as favors. They had a casual BBQ dinner. I personally was invited to both events, and I recall that her inviation was in two parts. The main invitation stated something to the effect that "You are cordially invited to a reception following a private ceremony of the marriage between....blah, blah. Then, for the people who were invited to the private ceremony, there was a separate small card enclosed with the details of the ceremony on the boat. It was a a unique and fun wedding and reception!

No, no, NOT "Mrs. Jane Smith"--this indicates that her mother is divorced, not widowed. (though, maybe she is) If she follows etiquette strictly, and her mother is a widow and never divorced her dad, the invitation would say: Mrs. John Smith request the honour of your presence And THAT includes him on the invite, right there. Or, The honour of your presence is requested at the marriage of Catherine Anne Doe daughter of Mary Doe and her late husband, John to Mr. Walter Fritz Mondale (why him? I have NO idea; his name just popped into my head)