Well, Joann - I grieved heavily for the first two years after Gary died, and didn't do much - I still do grieve every day, but I'm able to make it, one day at a time. No words can express how lonely I am without my soul mate!

I am blessed with a green thumb, so I moved to Florida (from Missouri, 3 years ago), not only to be near my Grandkids, but to grow tropicals outdoors, so that takes up some of my time.

GOD blessed me with a big house and a big yard, so those take up a lot of time, too.

Until my Grandsons' mother decided to be a donkey's patootie, I had my babies every day after school (I don't any more, sadly), and they helped with the grieving and took up some of my time.

I don't make friends easily, so don't have anyone to hang out with, but that sure would help.

I have 2 dogs that need to be walked, so every time I feel myself slipping back into depression, I either take them for a walk or out in the yard to play.

The days can be long and emotionally draining, but it seems to get better on some days. Some days, I don't want to do ANYTHING - those are the days that are the most difficult. Sometimes, I cry at the drop of a hat and have to go for a walk and think about how BLESSED I am.

Do you have a hobby? Friends to do stuff with? A spiritual family you can depend on? My spiritual life means a lot to me and I spend lots of time talking to my GOD. Being a widow has been, by far, the most difficult phase of my life.

I depend on my internet friends a lot, too - you all are the BEST!

Joann, I am sorry that you are a member of the club no one wants to be in--the widows club. When I was widowed 10 years ago I became a single parent of an 11 year old in addition to working. Filling my time was not a problem but my life has changed as I retired in December and now that the holidays are over I am once again where you are. What to do with my time. If you have an interest that might lend itself to volunteerism so that you are not just giving but getting. Im so sorry you are feeling as you are. Please reach out to friends and always to the wonderful posters here. I have found that I really enjoy one day bus trips which are organized through churches, senior centers, rec departments etc. You get to see some new places and meet some really nice people. Give it a try. Satine

I've always had plenty of things to keep me busy at home, but because I needed the income I've had a couple of part-time jobs. At present I do occasional work at home for a lawyer friend, and I'm going to see if I can seek out some freelance work.

But if you don't know how you'll fill your days, it sounds as though getting a job would be a good idea. If you don't need the income, consider doing some volunteer work. It's well known that one the best ways to improve your own state of mind is to do something helpful for someone else.

I love being home, but I pay attention to my need for social interaction. The Internet is a great connection, I agree! But real life contact is important. Sometimes I have to push myself to go out and mingle with others, but it's worthwhile. It's not good to spend too much time alone with our own thoughts.

I've been a widow for almost five years, Joann, and I don't know if I've yet figured it out. I have learned that no one can prepare you for this unwanted position and no book can teach you how to survive it. You have to learn to listen to your inner self and to do what feels right just for you.

I live one day at a time. I have 1700 sq.ft. of living space to care for and a demanding, but irreplaceable furry companion that motivates me to lead a somewhat scheduled life. I gave myself permission the first day I stood alone to do just what I wanted to do for the rest of my life as long as it didn't have a negative effect on others. If that entailed talking out loud to my cat or the emptiness...that's what I do. I rise in the morning...and retire at night...when I feel the time is right. I'm a controlled diabetic so I must adhere to a reasonable diet but I love to cook and I exercise my culinary imagination to its fullness as long as it meets my diabetic needs. It took me quite a while to get used to shopping and cooking for one...but I did it. Thank goodness for my freezer.

I'm an inveterate reader and consume reams and reams of written matter...which has helped me deal with the lonely hours of each day. I don't think those hours will ever go away...but accepting them for what they are and managing them as just another daily occurrence has helped me.

I went back to school for a while. It was my way of forcing myself back into the outside world. I have no family to keep me acclimated to society so I needed...when the time was right...to jettison myself back into that world and school was the easiest way to do it.
It was a successful experiment.

I attend free programs and presentations at my local library both as a social time for myself and to support them.

I can't bring myself to go near any hospital facility or I might consider volunteer work. I did many, many years of it when I was younger but just can't bring myself to approach that venue these days. Whether time eases this outlook, I won't know until I get there...but I'm not going to push it.

Beyond the above...I'm a computer geek and must admit that it takes up more of my time than it probably should but it exercises that part of my brain that just can't live without daily challenges that crossword puzzles don't satisfy.

Personally...I think giving myself permission to just be me...at my own pace...and in my own way...was the most important thing I ever did...for my sanity...for the acceptance of my loss...and for my future existence. I willingly gave myself to other's wants and needs for the better part of my entire life. Now it's my turn...and I grow more content with each passing year.

Anne

"I can't bring myself to go near any hospital facility or I might consider volunteer work.'
There are thousands of volunteer opportunities that have nothing to do with the medical field.

Joann, I'm not a widow, but give yourself some time, it hasn't been long. volunteering is a great thing.

If you like kids, there are soooooo many who need one-on-one help with reading and math; it's extrememly rewarding to see the light bulb come on in a child's mind. I can only imagine how difficult it is to get through a day and hope you find something to keep your mind busy for a little while, anyway.

Joann, I just thought of someone I know who went through a similar situation as ours, when she was in her 20's. She started volunteering in the library at our grade school after her husband passed away and just retired after FOURTY years - she is 62+!

The school has asked me to come and volunteer, but I'm just not emotionally 'there' yet - I still cry for no apparent good reason - a song, seeing something that brings back a memory, something someone says - whatever. Maybe further down the road I can do some volunteer work.

Also, please know that if you need to talk, email ANY ONE of us - we love you and are here for you!

Thanks ladies, it's good to know I'm not alone, but I wish I was so you wouldn't be. I may do volunteer work one day, but not right now, I think I would need the money first. I don't do very good with kids/pets so that wouldn't be for me. I believe something will come along one day, I just hope its soon. I've never been alone and its very hard. Keep the ideas coming.

I can't bring myself to go near any hospital facility or I might consider volunteer work.

Yes, Kat...I know and I am involved in a couple of volunteer type activities in my neighborhood...but I'd like to help with cancer related issues some time in the future. I just can't bring myself to do it yet. It took me quite a while to get over my anger issues after my husband died and I need to feel settled in that department before I venture forth.

By the way, Kat...I want to thank you and your brother for making the Caring Bridge a viewable site when you were dealing with your cancer issues. My dearest friends...now living in Oregon...are dealing with a similar issue and the Caring Bridge has become a wonderful way to keep both family and many friends informed of his progress. I doubt they would have known about it if I hadn't seen your site...along with another friend who'd seen a similar site...so many, many thanks to you and your brother. You accomplished a good deed beyond what you'd planned.

Anne

my dad passed in 1977...first thing when a friend offered one of her mobile homes for sale mother bought it...she'd save for awhile then take a major trip with friends..but she was always busy. joined tops met some lovely ladies and from there they were always doing something...lot of swimming classes. she'd drive down from her place in las vegas to our home in san diego often.

lots of library time, and few eastern star events, although not as active as her pal...

she lived in her home almost 25 years...she passed in 2005...

My friend's mother has belonged to TOPS for years and years and just loves her friends there.

Tops sounds like it might be something to do, and maybe lose the extra pounds too. There is one close by, I may just try it. Thanks.

Joann, is there a senior center in your area? There's one near me, but only 'old' ladies go there! LOL They eat, gossip, eat, crochet, eat and gossip. I'm too young to hang with THEM!

I did take some painting lessons at the senior center, too - that was fun, but I didn't meet anyone to hang with.

You said you need to make an income - can you work at Walmart or a grocery store part time? How about the library? I don't know how old you are, but you won't know until you try. Determine what you'd love to do, then just start applying!

My mother was alone for 25 years after Dad died.

She had a lot of interests--of course they didn't take Dad's place, but they did fill her time. She was active in: her church, the local Woman's club, the library auxilliary, historical society. She met with friends weekly to socialize and sew. She kept busy with her grandchildren. Liked to go to lunch with her other relatives and friends. Enjoyed getting together with others in her senior apt. to watch movies and play games. She read during every spare moment. And did some travelling.

As far as volunteering? There are so many opportunities in any community. Senior centers/assisted living/nursing homes always appreciate anyone willing to come in and share their talents with the residents (be it entertaining, crafting, etc). Libraries always have volunteer opportunities. Ronald McDonald houses generally need members of the community to help out by providing meals for the families using their facilities. Zoos, museums need docents. The courts have volunteer positions. There are generally environmental volunteer opportunities in every town.

What about taking some classes? Most community colleges and local adult schools offer free or reduced tuition for seniors (not sure you are one, yet--don't mean to offend).
Since you mentioned money being an issue, have you considered taking an apprenticeship course at your local community college? They'll help you land a job in the field you'd be studying, you'd be working and getting paid while becoming qualified in a para-professional field. I'm not talking about becoming an electrician or plumber--you can apprentice in many fields like optician, paralegal, etc. Great way to fill hours, make some money, and prepare for a career--no matter how old you are. When DD studied opticianry, MOST of the folks in her classes were older, many were retired, who were preparing for a second career. She was the 'baby' of the bunch.

Joann, I was just thinking of you and wondering how you're doing today? Post and keep us informed - we really DO CARE!

Just another day here, I'm doing ok.

Hi Joann,

Sometimes it is helpful to be alone, but often it helps to be out of the home and talking to others, etc., whether in a social way or in doing somethig helpful. Or on the phone.

Do you know whether there may be a bereavement group meeting in your area? Some find such helpful, as the people there are familiar with one's pain, as many in society aren't. On the other hand, some, after trying such a group, find it depressing ... perhaps it may be helpful if there's some positive leadership to help steer the folks away from becoming too morbid.

People in the religious field often have such situations with which to deal, and a visit to such an agency, or several, might help you find a practitioneer, or through them, some similar people, with whom you could share some time to lift your spirits some, to help with the coping, without having to cope with too much ideology.

Sometimes we feel that such and such a project is just more than we could take ... but if we find a means to take a couple of steps into something that didn't look promising, we find that what we feared would be a black hole turns out to bring a couple of rays of sunshine into our lives.

Having a friend dealing with a similar trauma often turns out to be much more rewarding than paddling a kayak upriver, all alone, as winter seems to be closing in.

ole joyful

I miss my husband terribly at times... but I know that he was not my soul mate... I loved him dearly, and will always love him, but I can't fathom living my life without a mate... and so I am dating... not an easy task since I was out of the dating scene for more than 44 years... however fate has a fellow in store for me... I met him online, and come to find out I already knew a lot of his family as they live right here in the tiny burg that I reside in.

We have begun to travel some and will be doing more during the warm months.. I don't wish to marry at this time, but it is an option for the future.. In the meantime he is moving here and will be living only a few miles away...

I have lots of church activities which take lots of my time and keep me busy and focused on what is truly important in my life..

Every person has a different way of dealing with the aloneness when a spouse dies.. and what works for one may not work for another... but be open to what God has in store for you..

Carolyn

Carolyn, I think you're the person I've been thinking of--your dh died about six months ago? I've wondered how you're doing and am so happy to see you seem to be very well. My friend's dad started dating about six-nine months from losing his wife and it led him to a nice gal he's been seeing for about a year now. And then there's my mom who became widowed over 30 years ago but never felt like dating. She has always kept busy with gardening, reading and an exercise class and has never minded living alone. We're all different.

That is very good advice, Ol' Joyful. Joanne, I hope tomorrow will be just a tiny bit better, and that you can make yourself do one little thing outside your comfort zone. Easier said than done, I know!

My husband died after a long illness last January .. so it is nearly a year since his passing on to dwell in the presence of our King.. Sometimes it seems forever ago, and other times the wound is as fresh as if it were yesterday... so each day is different.. Having a companion that is understanding and empathetic is always a plus..