I'm sorry you are sad. But your basic tone is up-beat, forward-looking, that's good. I have two friends (both female) who are divorced. Both told me getting divorced is hard, but once it's in the past, you feel free to make a new life and be hsppy. Good wishes.

Melanie -- The day you file for divorce IS a sad day, however much you know that a divorce is what you want. Something you started 11 years ago with high hopes has crashed. It's natural to mourn that.

After reading your post I'm feeling a little numb. You left your marriage in November and started a new relationship two months later? Moved in with the new guy after knowing him for one month?

Maybe things are moving a litle too fast. (Or, maybe I have my dates mixed up! LOL)

Melanie, I can relate to so much you said. We divorced after 13 years...it's been final for 1 year and we still talk every day. There is so much I miss about our relationship, but I know it is for the best.
There is no harm in maintaining a friendship...provided it does not interfere with new relationships.
It's okay to feel sad...let it happen. Grieve in private or with a close friend and be free to move on.

No Chisue your dates are right lol..

My marriage was dead along time before I left. I would say a good year or so before, we tried to make it, but we were both so tired of fighting and trying to fix things that it just didnt work out, We had grown apart and it was like that for so long that nothing we did could fix it, counselling nothing..

I dated a few men, just casually in nov and dec, just because I had my freedom back. In Jan 18 I had my first date with bf and I know he was into me, but I had that wall up and pushed myself away for awhile. I then realized this man treated me better than anyone had ever treated me in my life. I realized I was in love with him. I had no plans of moving in with him so soon, but things happend, I was always over here and I just kept bringing more stuff so I wouldnt have to drive to my friends house all the time... End of Feb, very early March.. Seems all my stuff was here lol. It was a just happend type thing.

I know it sounds fast and it was fast, but I felt like i was single for a few years. Husband and I had nothing anymore and now we realize we are better friends and we both acknowledge we both let the marriage go and quit fighting. But I am happy with my bf, I do love him very much, we never fight, never argue and I am happy with him. Its just that final chapter in my old life is closing and even though its a good thing,its still a sad thing. I think it just makes it a bit harder because we do see each other often as he pays me the mortgage payment so I can pay the mortage and we work together..

I don't think your feelings are unusual and you don't need to apologize for them nor feel foolish because you have them.

Grieving just is. To deny yourself a period of grief is to deny yourself closure. You can grieve and also go on with your life and be happy. But being sad,even angry are normal steps in the process. You'll be fine. Allow yourself the time.

One day you'll wake up and find the "happy" has replaced the "sadness" entirely.

Not unusual to be sad. Change can be sad at times. I really sense that you don't want the change, and I think you're really questioning if you want the divorce. But you need to decide for yourself.

I do think you're moving pretty quick with the other relationship. Are you sure you're not looking to just replace someone you lost? That can be problematic.

The good thing is you sound like you have a pretty level head on your shoulders and will consider things. So good luck to all of you. I know several people who are divorced and get along great with the ex. So that shouldn't be anything to fear.

Good luck to all of you.

cynic, its not that I don't want the change, its just hard to let go of something you have had for the past 11 years. We had many great times, but alot more bad ones towards the end. I know its the right change and its been over a year so its not something thats just come up. Its just hard to close that final chapter thats all.

The other relationship, is not replacing husband at all. I have never had someone like this and I look forward to many years with him. I love him with all my heart and soul. I do not love my husband the way I once did. I love him as a friend, as who he used to be to me. There will never be an us, it would never work out and we both know this. Even if neither one of us was with anyone else, we would not get back together. I think my feelings just come from having to see him all the time, having to drive by my house that I used to live in all the time, having to deal with people at work, having to hear about Husband partying doing things he would never do with me, its been hard. But I am happy. I am just a little sad, but truth is I am excited as well, I am excited to have the freedom to marry the man I am with someday. The freedom of not having a husband on the side(doesnt sound right but you know what I mean)..

I have never been in the divorce part of this...but I would think it would be Very common to have some sadness. You have given 11+ years of your life with someone hoping it was going to be forever...and things changed..that is what it is all about....CHANGE!

I DO understand knowing who is right for you! I met Dean (had known him through acquaintances), had our first date and then were living together within a very short time. We were married 1 year and 11 days after our first date, and we have been together for almost 29 years! I wouldn't have traded a minute of it...WE knew!

Sandy thats how I feel. I just know.. This love is nothing like I have ever had before. I have never had a man this loving towards me. He puts me before himself all the time and would do anything for me. He is very attentive,caring and supportive. I do not want anyone else but him. Its not that I am addicted to the point of obsessive, we just know what we had in the past and know that this love feels different.

Melanie : I would say what you're feeling is normal. Signing the divorce papers make things seem so "final" in a way they weren't before.
My ex and I were together for 5 years and then married in 98.. By 01, the problems had become such a block wall that we just couldn't do it anymore. I moved out in July and we filed our divorce papers on our 3rd wedding anniversary. (What a way to make an impression eh)
I met my current DH who has always treated me like a princess in Sept of 01 and by Christmas I was camping at his house more than my own so we started looking at houses together (yes, only 3 months in). We just celebrated 8 wonderful years together and still feel "right" whereas neither of us had that in the past. Speeding along to a new relationship has its' demise in some cases but in others , it can work very well.
I did retain my own apartment for the first year though "just in case things didn't work out" but I know that's not always possible either.
As for my Ex, he's still one of my closest friends. The fact we share a son together aside, he's still the one person who I KNOW I can call for whatever and he will gladly come to my aid if my DH is unable. We had a great few years but when it becomes a battle that just isn't worth fighting anymore, well.. there is only so much one can do.
I was sad/scared at first when I made the move in the very beginning but looking at things now, I couldn't have asked for anything better given the circumstances and I don't wish to change anything.
I would tell you to grieve a relationship long gone because bottling it up will do no good and then move forth with whatever you want the next step in your life to be and I hope for you that it's a happy step.

Hi Melanie,

I also am impressed by your upbeat, positive attitude and feel that it is likely that your current relationship will work out well.

As several have said, we do feel sadness over a portion of our lives that disappointed us ... possibly also we dislike losing, and having to admit that we made a mistake, or were unable to win some situation in which we were involved ... especially one as close to the core of our being as a love/marriage.

That said, I was a bit concerned with the speed at which you moved into this new relationship. As some have said when one loses a loved one to death, it's often a good idea to let things settle down and get used to this new situation for a year or so before making major moves.

I add to that a bit of concern that you did not set up your own life on your own ... didn't get used to living independently, on your own, in your own place, i.e., be independent, and get used to that as a way of life.

Do you feel a bit of a need to have someone on which to lean? To help make you complete?

I am, as I said, fairly pleased with your current situation, based on what you have told us ... and, as you know, several others feel quite comfortable with your current situation.

Add to that, that someone in the EMS game has to have their feet pretty firmly planted on the ground, or a tough job like that would shatter them.

Good wishes to you and your new love as you make your plans together and set about bringing them into reality.

ole joyful

Thanks for all the encouragement and letting me know its ok to feel the way I feel.

I don't need a new relationship to be complete, I have lived by myself in the past for many years without someone I know I can do. This relationship just happend. I prayed alot about finding love and it just kind of fell into my lap. I did fight against it for awhile even when I moved in, I still had a bit of a wall up and I did have somewhere else to go. But I opened up my heart and it was the best thing I could have done for myself.. I am moving forward in my life. I will be back in school in Jan (took a semester off) I have 3 classes left (2 semesters) before I will graduate and hopefully get my RN. So even though I went through so much in the last year, I maintained my strength and went on with my life, even though there were many nights I layed there and cried. I have to be strong, noone can be strong for me.. The world will not stop because I am sad or hurt, that is what got me through. I knew that if I didn't take care of myself, whatever happend would be my fault. I can't lay there and let someone else take care of me,I had to do my own thing..

Currently BF and I do maintain seperated money accounts and bills, I pay my own bils, car payment etc, he pays the household bills and his own bills, If either of us is stuck and need money or help with bills, we have each other. I buy groceries and we both treat each other out to dinner, so even though we are together in a strong relationship, we both have our own independance.. One thing this relationship has that I never had before in the last one, is my freedom, he does not tell me I can't do something, he doesn't tell me who I can see or where I can go. I dealt with that, I dealt with money control and I was never allowed to drive far by myself.. As soon as I was seperated I was in my car and I drove all over the place, I drove to downtown atlanta alone, I even Ventured out and I drove all the way to Canada to visit my mom and dad by myself, something I had, was not allowed to attempt. I come and go as I please and so does my bf, but then thing is, because there is no control, we don't go far alone, because we like to be together..

Have a great day, I am off to work.. Collllllld weather here, not happy lol

I think that holding onto those old ideas and your unrealized past hopes for a life with your ex is what's making you feel sad.

I have a feeling that some time soon, after you fill out the paperwork and the divorce is final, you will be able stop mentally re-hashing the past and will embrace your happy present and future!

Though I've never been divorced, I came close to it once (don't most of us) and I feel that the death of the dream that began with the marriage is always hard and very sad, even though you don't want to be married to him anymore. I suspect you are feeling sad today because you are now putting a period to the end of that dream - it's the last step of the offical death certificate of the dream that started with the marriage to the person.

Be grateful and proud of both of you that you, at some point, chose to remember the good in one another that started the relationship and be grateful that this was kept intact. That is a rare effort made between two people who end a marriage and I commend both of you for it.

mylab is correct. it is like a death in the family, actually OF a family, and you need to mourn like any loss. the only thing working for the same co and maintaining a relationship has prolonged it. you really are amazing in the dignified way you have been able to keep your job and open relationship with xh...that piece of paper will give you more mental freedom to explore your new life...bet both of the new partners in your lives will breathe a little sigh of relief, too...

It is normal to grieve when losing something that was so much a part of your life for so many years. This, too, shall pass...

You're not being foolish, you're being human:-)

Isn't it odd how hard it is to let something go even when we know it's bad for us?

Melaine,sorry for all you are going thur,but this is the same way my friend felt when her and her now ex-husband did.She cried to because she said it hurt to know it was over even though she knew it was coming.They went their separate ways after leaving the court house she said and she said she had to stop by walmart when she left and she than ran into her ex-husband again later on that evening.She had been crying and she said when she seen him he was on his cell-phone laughing.She said could not understand how he could be laughing when she felt so low.She really had a hard time getting over it Even though she knew it was coming and knew it was for the best.
Even though I never been thur that,Greg my husband and I been married 27 years my heart still goes out for anyone that has to face something like this.YOu will be in my thoughts and prayers.Hang in there.My friend said as each day that did pass things got better and easier to deal with,Hugs From Judy in ALabama.
We are here for you if you need talk.