Does Anyone Have to Deal with a Bully and/or Humilating Event?

16 years ago

Without going into too much detail, awhile back a man I work with launched into an angry, humiliating tirade directed at me because I dared to confront him on a matter that he took personally (I believed then and still believe that I was correct in doing so.) While I had confronted him privately about the matter, he chose a public moment (several others present) to chew me out. The others were cowed by him and said nothing in my defense. I'm 52 and have never in my adult life been so humiliated--although perhaps I am lucky in this regard. Anyway, nearly 1 1/2 years later I am still rehearsing the matter in my mind and even get physically ill when I need to work with him (which, thank God, is not often). I don't wish him harm (he's clearly a bully) but I also don't know how to get over the hurt. I guess my pride was just killed at that moment--and I know I do have pride. Just wondering if others have had a similar humilitating moment and how (besides time) they managed to get over it while still having to deal on occasion with the humiliator. Thank you, wise people.

Sort by:Oldest

Comments (6)

firemanswife
16 years ago
Marita,
I am so sorry this happened to you. The only thing I can say is this man is a bully and the only reason he chose to make a public scene is so he could feel better about himself and that's the only reason. I am sure you're not the only person he has done this with and sadly enough probably won't be the last. Since no one else said anything to defend you I would be willing to bet it wasn't because they felt you were wrong in the situation they were afraid of his wrath and so kept quiet.
Keep your chin up and know that at the end of the day he's probably a miserable person who chooses to live a miserable life.
polargrammy
16 years ago
Yep, been there. Being bullied by older(oldest) siblings(s) when my mother's estate was being taken care of in front of my other siblings and in-laws. Won't elaborate as I like to forgive and forget(unfortunately it is not that easy).
Related Discussions
Humility and patience are painful lessons
Q
Comments (20)
As you all know, I 'm not an assiduous forum follower,but seeing as Campanula, like me, seems to be trying to do a very big project on a very small budget, I though I'll throw in my 2 cents. I think the sooner you manage to swallow the Reality Pill, the better it'll be for your wallet. I've wasted an awful lot of money (and worse yet, time and energy) in the 16 or so years that I've been working on transforming a part of my land into a garden. First, it took a while to realize that gardening in the wilds just is too different from gardening in "garden soil"! I'm beginning to think that , for example, direct sowing of seeds may well be impossible for me, at least for several more years,just because there's too much competition from weeds (not to mention brambles and broom and vitalba...)One of the reasons I got so into roses in the first place was that they can hold thier own in some pretty rough terrain. In fact, I'm still at the stage where my focus will remain on woody plants,shrubs and trees. I myself never used herbicide; I always figured that that it was as bad as it's brother "cides",insecti and fungi. I tamed areas of deep bramble jungle by chopping the plants down, and covering them with thick black plastic sheet for a year or so. This year, I'm FINALLY focusing on doing a real mulch job on as much of the cultivated area as I can,using cardboard covered with organic stuff. I'm hoping that over the summer this will tame the weeds enough so that next fall, I'll be able to plant out some perennials among the roses. Eventually I'd love to underplant with perennials as a living mulch... I hope this doesn't sound discouraging; I don't mean it to be so. I think you'll definitely be able to do this, Campanula. I don't follow your threads that much (so please forgive any impertinence), but I gather that your DH and son do help you,and probably in England I imagine that you don't have to worry as much about drought and watering young plants as I do here in Tuscany,so you have several advantages going for you! I guess if I were you, I'd just focus on one small area for my first years' garden,cultivating that, whilst surrounding areas that I was plannig to incorporate into the garden in future I'd begin taming with the chopping/black plastic technique (or whatever other thick screening material you canfind or buy cheaply). Tru, it's not pretty to look at,but you can avoid poisons that way. For the first year or so, you get your Gardening Jollies working on the small cultivated plot, and planning what you'll do with the part that's "cooking" under the plastic. Then, next year or the following, you pull up the covering and can go to it on a larger scale, recycling the covering to do a subsequent area, etc. Good luck,and try not to get too discouraged. "Rome wasn't built in a day" to coin a phrase, lol...bart
...See More
Does anyone have a good method to secure cash at market?
Q
Comments (13)
I have an old cash drawer from an old cash register. Not just the dividers, but the whole box with a drawer that rolls in and out. it is 6 inches tall about 2 feet by 2 feet square. Most time I have a little bunge strap holding it closed (especially when we are busy). When we don't have customers it is shut. I feel safer with this. With it being that big, it also holds our scales. I have thought about putting a bolt in the bottom of it and then putting a hole through the table, but I haven't thought I needed it. That way the shut drawer is bolted to the table. Also, our market is on the Courthouse square. There are usually 3 or 4 law enforcement vehicles parked near by at all times. The county jail is also there. Not to mention several of our law enforcement officers frequent the market during the day. Jay
...See More
Does anyone have any experience with modeling?
Q
Comments (43)
Bestyears, I commend you for doing what you can to open your mind to the possibilities, going along with your daughter to the initial meetings and for seeking more information. You are trying to do what's best for your daughter and clearly you are struggling with *how much* support is appropriate. I am not a parent but I do know that the transitional years between teen/child and adulthood are tricky for all-- and there's no single right answer or approach. What I do know is that your love, support and guidance are more valuable than anything else you can provide-- including money-- your daughter is blessed to have you with her as she moves towards her adult life. I don't have any experience with modeling-- though I have a few friends who have done "light" modeling in regional catalogs, etc and one friend who did runway modeling in NYC and in Europe long before I knew her. FWIW, she also has a stunning education with a PhD from an ivy league school (which I believe she pursued after modeling but I am not sure). From your description of your daughter, she appears to be mindful and committed to her health and diet-- this is a great foundation. We're all aware of the issues with eating disorders and unhealthy weights in the modeling industry but at least it's no longer a "dirty little secret". I would continue to praise her healthy eating and support her in continuing to develop the confidence and resolve to know who she is and what is health for her. This is the best way to combat the challenges she may face regarding weight and diet. This same self awareness will guide her too to know what type of modeling will best suit her. There are many kinds of modeling and each comes with a different lifestyle. Which best suits her personality? Is she a careful planner or is she excited by spontaneous opportunity? Would she be excited by the prospect of packing up and flying out to a shoot across the country with little notice or would she be more comfortable with a shoot schedule a month in advance? Is she fiercely independent and self-motivated or does she most thrive with the support of friends and family near her? Once she knows (and perhaps she already does) which type of modeling she wants to pursue, she can make good decisions about how to proceed. it will help her to choose an agency and determine where and how college fits in. I would view each agency very critically. Is it realistic to consider modeling and college at the same time? I can't really say but I'd sure ask hard, driving questions of the agency that suggests she can. Are they looking to (and able to) offer her big time runway modeling opportunities, national agency shoots or are they looking to fill their stables with pretty faces for regional catalogs. What's their track record? How these agencies respond to the questions will give you and your daughter a better idea of her potential and which agency can give her the best opportunity to make it happen. No matter what career we choose, there are risks and opportunities. The best thing you can do is to help your daughter look at her options clearly, realistically and from all perspectives... and to be flexible enough to move on to a plan B or C (or D!) as time and opportunities evolve. Best wishes for all of you at this exciting time!
...See More
OT: Does anyone here have a Negative Edge Pool?
Q
Comments (7)
Beautiful property and a negative edge pool would seem to be perfect. Mine is not, but I can see why you would chose it there. I envy your ability to do both the house and the pool the way you want them and not the way some builder slaps them together (and my house is pretty good). As far as salt vs chlorine, you are really dealing with chlorine in both but supplying it to the pool in different ways. Some folks like the feel of salt water - folks use salt to soften water. We looked at converting, especially when the cost of chlorine kept going up every time we bought it, but our pool repair guy tells us that he isn't a big fan, at least for conversions. He says the cells on the saltwater pools break down and have to be repaired or replaced every 2-3 years and may wind up costing more rather than less, so don't do it as a cost benefit. He does have some customers who have protected environments for the pool equipment. Since you are building new, you might want to consider housing the pool equipment with some climate control. He says things like the salt cells and the electronics for the variable speed pumps, automation, etc, hold up much longer. (We just replaced a variable speed pump that lasted maybe 2 years because the controller lost partial function and it was the part we needed to run the sweeper). Since you have the option of starting from scratch, also look at the equipment plans from a repair perspective. Make sure there is room to get to, service, remove, replace, etc. The replacement of my pump ran into the equivalent of a tiled in DW and we had to replace a whole set of valves to create room to get the old one out and the new one in.
...See More
cynic
16 years ago
First, keep in mind that he can't humiliate you, only you set your standards as to what will humiliate you. Obviously this crossed it. But I'm not sure that's the big factor here anyway. You keep going over it and it makes you feel worse. Remember the old joke: Doc it hurts when I do this. Then don't do that! I can't tell you how many times I've gone "wish I had said (or done) ______ when that happened...". But we don't have time machines so we can't go back in time.

It sounds like it's been a while so there's really nothing much you can do about it now with one exception. Face him. He may not always be the ogre you think. If you catch him in a good mood and tell him that the event bothers you to this day he might apologize. But would that make a difference? It doesn't change history.

So many people want to blame someone when something happens. Sometimes things happen and should be left at that. Keep bringing it up and it'll still exist. Kind of like picking at a scab on a wound. Sometimes you have to let it heal.

Sometimes it's best to be a little strict with yourself. Tell yourself that even though you wish you had done differently, you didn't. Life goes on. You weren't physically harmed and to keep rehearsing anand replaying the same the same event over and over does no good. Would you do something different if it happened today? Probably. So now you're a stronger person.

Every now and then my cat does something stupid. The other day she rolled over and fell onto the floor. Obviously her pride was very hurt and she was embarrassed. She ran off and disappeared for a few minutes but then came back into the room like nothing happened. It was something that she knew she needed to forget about and move on, which she did. I think you can do the same thing. Get something to eat, wash your face, stretch out in the sun and take a nap. The world looks different with lower blood pressure.

Don't harp on the past. It's in the past.
yayagal
16 years ago
Here's a bit of advice my Mom gave me if I were to find myself in such a situation. Stay calm and when the fool finishes speaking you say "Did you enjoy saying that because I didn't enjoy hearing it." Then walk away.
I've used that line several times in my life and each time the person came running after me saying "I didn't mean to upset you" It puts the burden on the person who is foolish enough to do that. Good ole Mom, she had good common sense.
Deb_from_Pa
16 years ago
marita,
I am sorry this has to happen, but surprisingly it does happen often...for some reason, it makes people feel better to belittle others! I agree with cyic....tho it is hard to get things out of your mind, you need to try for your own piece of mind
This is something I posted on my Facebook.am hoping it gives ya a little smile....LOL
Please put this on your status if you know someone (or are related to someone) who is an idiot. Idiots affect the lives of many. There is still no known cure for stupidity, but we can raise awareness. 93% wont copy and paste this, many because they're too stupid to know how to copy and paste. Will YOU make this your status for at least one hour.I did!

Oh, and here is another funny...which has nothing to do with your issues at this time, but maybe another little smile........
got a phone call asking to donate clothes for the starving people of the world..I laughed so hard I cried..if they can fit in my clothes they aren't starvin'!!
Jodi_SoCal
16 years ago
Marita, I would feel exactly the same way. I've always worked in a professional corporate environment and the thought of someone in that setting launching into public humiliation is just crazy to me. But I guess it happens.

Not to make light of your situation, but I am always amazed how often you see rudeness, bullying, and other types of intimidation in an office environment on TV shows. There's always tension and people using that tone of voice usually reserved for a parent scolding an errant child. It seldom seems to offend or bother the one at the receiving end. Wish I could be more like a TV character. :-)

Jodi-

Does Anyone Have to Deal with a Bully and/or Humilating Event?

Comments (6)

firemanswife

polargrammy

Related Discussions

cynic

yayagal

Deb_from_Pa

Jodi_SoCal

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US