Pesky here's a big (((((HUG)))))! I'm sorry that you are going through this. No, it's not selfish to want to be alone and need your own space. I can't imagine having someone outside my immediate family staying with me for an indeterminate period of time. Heck, it drives me crazy to have my own kids in the house for extended periods of time now that I've gotten used to them not living here anymore.

You have given us great reasons for how you are feeling - stop feeling guilty about being angry and frustrated and more than a little dumped on.

I think your plan to talk to your BIL is a great first step. If your DH won’t do it, then you need to do it for your own sake.

Second, I would find a spot in a desk drawer or someplace that you can keep some of the non-perishable treats for yourself. As for the perishable stuff, I would get a dark tupperware or other plastic container with a lid, mark it “pesky’s lunch”and put in the special meat or cheese that you buy for yourself . Then if your BIL takes it, you have a right to call him on it.

As for your DH, he sounds like mine in so many ways. Sigh. I have no advice for you, except to say that you need to tell him flat out how you are feeling, maybe show him a version of what you have written here. Then tell him that you aren’t asking for his approval or permission to feel that way, and going forward you are going to have to do what you need to do for YOU, since no one else seems to care. Tell him that if he would like to discuss ways to improve things you are open to that, but you are NOT open to arguing or whining or avoidance.

Most of all, like terriks, I want to give you a HUG. Being smart and strong and a go-getter is the best, but moments like these make you realize that everyone thinks that nothing fazes you or is hard for you to handle Make your voice heard.

In my old age, I have come to realize that this is the only life I am going to get and I don’t want to waste my time. I need to watch out for me, first and foremost, because in the end I am the one who is responsible for my life.

Keep us posted, and come here anytime to vent. We all understand.

Pesky, I'm sorry that you're having a rough time. There's nothing wrong with wanting time alone. (I'm an introvert, so that's essential for my well-being and for the quality of life for those around me!) It's also hard on a marriage to not have time alone together.

If going to your mother's for the weekend isn't feasible, is there someone nearby with a guest room you can borrow for at least one evening? If you feed the furs before you leave, they won't starve. What else could be as important as taking care of your mental health?

I'm not surprised that BIL has boundary issues. You were very flexible when he covered and moved the Buddhas, but to me adjusting the host's decor without permission sounded like the tip of an "all about me" iceberg. At the very least, a clear move from "house guest" to "roommate" is in order. That means sharing household expenses, some kind of rules about what food belongs to whom and specific chores that contribute to the household. You're a generous host, so that will certainly sound petty, but it's normal for roommates. Oh, and be careful about the word "rent". You can evict a house guest anytime you want. A person who pays "rent" is a tenant and there are all kinds of laws that limit what you can do.

Are you sure it's wise to tell BIL that he can stay as long as he wants? Even if he helps with expenses, why would he move to a place that costs more and has no one there to cook, clean, keep the fridge stocked, etc.? Even if BIL and DH magically start pulling their weight, you still have stress from work, other family members, and a disconnect with DH, which isn't going to be easy to work through with someone else in the house.

It's time to take care of Pesky, dear. Really!!

Wow, your plate is really full right now. Les gives some great advice. I know you said you've tried to talk to DH and it didn't work, but it's imperative you try again. I think a sit-down with BIL and DH is in order. Otherwise, when that final straw hits, and it will, you'll blow and likely will say things you'll wish later you could take back. We all do it under stress. It sounds as if you really love your BIL and wouldn't want to hurt him. How about a suggestion HE find somewhere to go a couple of nights a week to give you and DH some time alone? Maybe someone at work has a weekend place they'd loan you? We have a weekend log cabin I'd loan in a second (I looked to see where you live). I'm sure writing it all out helped some. ((((hugs))))
Dee

How big is your freezer? ;)

I think you need to sit them down (together) and tell them how you feel - no getting up allowed.

Allison beat me to it - I think the three of you need to discuss the living arrangement.

Definately time for a family meeting. Set some rules so it doenst get to me a free for all where no one is listening to the other person. Get a ball or something, who ever has the object is the only one allowed to speak so everyone has a fair chance to talk. Make a a list for yourself so you touch on every thing that is bothering you. I think it is very unfair of your BIL to be there and not pay for anything. I understand your DH is kind of caught in the middle between you and his brother but you should be first priority to him. I really understand your frustration and angry, I would feel the same way.

"I'll tell him he's welcome to stay as long as he needs, but he'll need to kick in $200/mo for room & board."

Ummm, no. I say "no" because I don't think that's really what you want and a situation like that can't be healthy for a marriage. I agree that it's time for a sit-down. Your DH is going to have to support you and honor your wishes and validate your feelings. You are his wife, he chose you and he needs to put your marital relationship first. No ifs, ands or buts. Many men deal with uncomfortable issues and situations by avoidance but that doesn't mean that it should be allowed to go on and on and on without their eventually facing those issues. I agree that life it too short and you only pass this way once.

You're more than justified in feeling the way you do and you're certainly not whining or being unreasonable. However, it appears you're the strong one in the mix and it's time to take the proverbial bull by the horns, but do it in a way that isn't combative. I wouldn't give "notice" about the meeting. Instead, wait for a calm moment when you're all present and suggest that it's a good time for a chat. Giving someone too much time to figure out what their line of defense will be and come up with excuses for their behavior sometimes is not the best approach. Keep it simple and positive. Ask BIL what his short-term and long-term plans are (include a time frame), and ask your DH what his thoughts are about it. It's okay if you don't agree but you have to verbalize it so you're all on the same page. Let them know a compromise is acceptable and decide what that will be. Clarifying the lines and boundaries and agreeing to a compromise with all present will help tremendously. Just a suggestion.

Oh, heavens, you have every right to rant.

What I'm seeing as the big picture is that there is a huge lack of communication. You can't just tell BIL not to eat your food, but keep quiet and let yourself be hurt by it. Your DH isn't hearing you on several points--BIL, money, housework (if DH had his hours cut, he should be doing more of the housework), your privacy as a couple.

My opinion is different from most here. I don't think you should talk to BIL until you have talked with your DH and the two of you have agreed on a plan to deal with him. If you talk to BIL alone, without your DH on board, it's going to wind up you against the two of them. If BIL is going to be told to leave (and I think he should, now that he is working; it doesn't have to be right away), it should come from your DH. Otherwise, it will seem as though you are the evil SIL. Your DH may end up taking his brother's side--the whole "You're making me chose between my brother and my wife!" conversation should happen out of BIL's hearing.

Get your DH on board with a plan for BIL. Maybe he can stay until the end of January, paying $200 a month in the meantime. That should give him time to save up first and last month's rent and security deposit, and to find a decent place to live.

Then sit DH down for a money talk. He's making less money, you're taking small pay cuts and will have to take more. Your MIL isn't doing any housework for you, so you are doing it all and that's adding more stress and keeping you apart as a couple. You're stressed about the money and he keeps spending it. I'd flat out tell him, "I'm not breaking my back saving money to tide us over for you to spend it on non-essentials.:

I'd suggest you seek some counseling on this. Not to save your marriage, because that's probably in good shape. But for you, and your DH if he will go, so that you can learn some ways to communicate better. Because what I'm seeing, from the outside looking in, is three people who probably love each other, but all three are stressed due to money, and lack of privacy, and family ties, and lack of time. There's a way out of this situation that can have a good outcome, and there are ways that will leave the family split into two or three parts.

My hospitality would've been tested when he started messing with the artwork. Agree that it's time to set some limits, because he's definitely pushing the boundaries.

We opened our home to two of dh's nephews (at separate times) many years ago when they were both trying to get a start in the oil industry. One took advantage of our generosity and when I discovered what he'd done I showed him the door.

Ummm, I'm with natal on the "my limit would have been reached long ago when..."

Didn't you offer him a place to stay temporarily? How has it gone from temporary to "as long as you like?"

Also, he was staying while he was working things out with his wife? How's that going? If it's stalled and he's just hanging at your place, how's that helping the cause? Are they in counseling?

Sorry, but I cannot imagine any grown man I know imposing on another family member in the ways this man is imposing on you. It sounds like he's regressing to an earlier time, an easier time, almost like he's treating you and your husband like Mom and Dad.

In all this what I would be livid and upset about more than the BIL issue is that my husband was not respecting my feelings, need for control over my home environment, desire for privacy, etc. etc. You work hard and you deserve to come home to a place where you can relax. Seriously! You are NOT BEING SELFISH!!! If anything, your BIL is!!

I just went back and reread your post. You ARE being used. Your dh should have your back. Send that BIL packing. Tell him it's time to grow a set.

AND, to top it all off, my DH is getting ready to start ramping up his utterly annoying trait of acting like a big baby over the holidays.

What is that about?

A time limit for BIL is in order, just as it would be for a boomerang child trying to save $$ before moving on. I agree with camlan that your best bet is to present a united front with your DH after the two of you have determined a reasonable time limit for BIL. Bottom line is, no matter what caused the upheaval in his life, it's not doing anyone any favors by letting it continue without a clear end in site. Tough love is usually the best love and you've shown a LOT of love - time to get tough.

As for needing something for yourself - you bet you do! Somehow, someway you need a getaway, some pampering - something! How about a massage?

My hospitality would've been tested when he started messing with the artwork.

Yup. That would have been the end of the stay in my home. I'm a generous host, but I won't tolerate being treated disrespectfully in my own home.

When a young man who was a former neighbor and former employee was dumped by his wife, he asked if he could stay with me. One of the big reasons I declined was that he was emotionally devastated and my gut told me that I'd have to ask him to leave long before he'd think he was ready. He had a good job, so I lent him the money for a month's rent to help with the cash flow. Instead of sitting around and moping all of the time, he had things to do: work, find an apartment, set it up to accommodate his child, etc. Nothing re-builds self-esteem like taking care of yourself. "Chop wood; carry water."

Just wanted to give you another hug and second everyone's suggestions to make it clear that the situation is not sustainable for you. It's also not healthy for them, but they sound like they're trying to live in denial. These are stressful times and *everyone* needs to be considerate of *everyone*, not just some. I'll be thinking of you.

Pesky; have your daughter apply for charity care with the hospital. We just did for hubs cancer - we were approved.

I know exactly where you are coming from with having another person no matter how good of a guest they are. I've had experience with a few- one was hubs son who didn't do squat- didn't pay anything & also ate things that were not his that were bought special. What I now do is- each kid can have their own snacks in their room- I keep the bulk of things in my bedroom closet so I know that no one is going & eating it all- they have to ask for more; so I'm able to track what we have. I also gave hub & my daughter their own fridge bin for cold stuff- this helps so that she doesn't eat hubs stuff & he doesn't eat hers. Same thing with the freezer- my daughter has her own shelf & no one touches it.

I also know where you're coming from with him kicking in- we had our 87 year old neighbor for 3 weeks; everything came out of my pocket- he didn't offer me gas money but made a comment about how much gas my car uses- there were also breakfast sandwiches at $10 a box- plus we lent him my hubs new shaver that he lost the cord for- cost me $20 on ebay; when he left he wrote a check to hub & I; when the money I used did not come from a joint account- it was my inheritance. He also used our shower because there is no tub- took him an hour or so in my bathroom; tried to get him to use the kids bathroom when he was feeling better but he refused. By the end of the 2nd week, I was ready for him to go home. He was a good guest but it was hard having another person to clean up after. I'd said he could stay as long as he wanted- MISTAKE! I will never say those words again. I ended up getting very stressed over those words because a niece was emailing me saying he was comfortable at our house & telling everyone he was never leaving.

With hubs son- I was taking care of my dad at the time- he was not working; he could have run the vac but did not. Hub & I were talking about it- I wanted him to say something- I also wanted the son to cook on the nights I was late & couldn't do it since he was a chef.. long story short- SS heard his name mentioned & started screaming in my face- turned into a large fight where hub ended up kicking me out.. I was packing- hub left; about 4 hours later it finally calmed down; we ended up working it out.. so my advice is to watch what you do in this situation because you never know what's going to be said in a heated argument & it could blow up in your face. My dad passed 2 weeks later; so this day is forever etched in my mind because of the circumstances.

I also understand about priorities- I've been having issues with it lately- hub went on a fishing trip- everyone knows he's 10 months out of treatment for cancer- well his brother is afraid to fly alone (fear of getting on wrong plane) so my hub flew to Ohio from NJ to get him- when all was said & done- it was an extra $300 I think- which we can't afford plus my hubs health. I'm tired of people being put before me- or even my hub (by my hub)- it blew up with this trip & I finally "won" he changed his return trip & made bro fly home alone. Now it would be nice if someone would offer him 1/2 of the money for the trip but I'll take the baby step.

As far as the bills- time to start taking more from your hub. I've also been paying the bulk of the bills; that blew up with this trip too- I ended up not taking the bills I normally pay & left them for him. I have cut back a lot on everything due to paying a lot of the bills; here's hub buying all this stuff for his fishing trip- we couldn't afford the stuff- and since he does not fish much since his fishing buddy moved away- it's wasted money. I did not get an anniversary last year due to his cancer & when he went on this trip there was nothing planned- so I was hot that he was doing all he was for the trip & leaving me out cold- I can't travel due to my back; so I don't get a vacation.

Hope something I wrote helps you. I have more thoughts & would like to clean this up but have to shut down- we both stop at 8pm (yeah I'm late) every night & spend the rest of the night together- however long or short it is. We also don't take phone calls after 7:30. Hopefully you & hub can have some alone time.

This is one of my new sayings-

never allow someone to be your priority when you're just their option

Oye, Pesky. I've been totally on my own since I was 14 years old. I had a child when I was 15 who I was 100% responsible for. No one gave me money or a place to stay, ever. Needless to say, I'm not that sympathetic to a grown man who can't take care of himself.

My vote is with yogacat. BIL made his bed, now let him lay in it. If all else fails, maybe his mom may trade changing his sheets (at her house) instead of changing yours? You are in no position to be helping him right now and I'd be honest about this.

What is that saying, "Company is like fish. After three days, they start to stink." (((Hugs!)))

I love you guys!! Thank you so much for the sage advice and the virtual shoulders to lean on.

Today I called my son and told him I was coming over to help him deep clean his house. I guess I left my cell phone at home, cuz DH had to text DS to get in touch with me. How liberating that was!! I worked really hard at DS's house, but he worked along side me and was wonderful company, so even tho I'm sore and tired, it was a good day. DS was VERY appreciative of me being there to help him and I liked doing it for him.

I'm going to try to talk to DH tonight. He has a tendency to avoid conflict, and while I don't want conflict, I DO need him to hear me.

DH has been self employed for years, just recently his business (more like a hobby income the last year or so) has just about come to a standstill. The things he makes are not a necessity item, so he's not bringing in the $$ like before. We can basically only count on my income...which is plenty for us to live comfortably on, but not where we can still live like we do and support another person. DH's income was for the fun stuff and extras for the most part.

Rose...your DH sounds so much like mine. When my SS lived with us, it was horrible, too. He was much like yours and when he finally left our house for good, it was like a weight off my shoulders. But he almost tore us apart.

My DH has always had a tendency to put his family ahead of me. For the most part, I dealt with it, but they've intruded into our life for the past couple years to the point where I can't take it any more. We've got an empty nest, and I want to enjoy it. We were both parents when we met, so we never had time alone together until the kids were grown. We were starting to have fun together when MIL became a pretty much every day fixture in our lives. She started backing off after I complained to DH, and it was ok, but now BIL is here.

I'm just not sure of his situation. MIL said that his wife told her she does not want to reconcile. She wants to be friends with him, she loves him but is not in love...blahblah. He's holding on to the idea that they're going to reconcile. He goes over to her place at least once a week and stays there, but apparently stays on the sofa, and the other day he said he had to sleep on the floor because grandkids or something were there.

Yesterday he told me he has an interview at a gym, I asked him about it and it's a fly-by-night outfit (he's a certified personal trainer) and he's been talking alot about how unhappy he is at his job (he works in retail and has a decent job w/bennies). This is his history, he's never worked at a job longer than 2 years, and he's just about past that time now, so he's ready to move on.

DH said BIL is broke all the time, likely because he's giving his wife the $$, and that is again typical of him. So I'm not sure how the money thing will work. But frankly, it's not my problem!!

The holiday thing...when my Dad was alive, he and my DH did not get along. My DH made every excuse in the book not to spend holidays at my parents, so to avoid the fight with him, and the tension if they were all together, I'd take the kids to my folks and he'd stay with his kid. It made me angry, but I chose the lesser of 2 evils.

Later, we noticed a trend, DH would get pouty and start picking fights shortly before holidays. I finally figured it out, that he didn't want to spend time with my family and holidays always included them. His family was not nearby and when they were, they wouldn't come...they didn't want to celebrate. So once I figured out his M.O., I realized it wasn't ME, it was him...and I wouldn't let him get his way. He would pitch a fit and try to get out of events, but I'd make him participate. And what do you know, he always enjoyed himself! But I also learned that he;d bug out early, so I got used to it. He's very shy and not comfortable around people he's not really used to. I'm the opposite, I am gregarious and love to socialize.

Well, this year, our DD who was married last year said she would like to host Thanksgiving at her house and have her in-laws and her family together. I am thrilled and am excited to do this with her, but as soon as DH found out (he read the email from DD) he said he was spending T'giving with his Mom. He is extremely uncomfortable about DD's in-laws, he only met them the first time at the rehearsal dinner, and barely spoke with them during the wedding weekend. So he's going to try everything he can to try to get out of going. I'm not going to say a word to him about it...I thought about trying to cajole him, but I'm going to let it be up to my kids to make him understand how disappointed they'll be if he doesn't spend time with them because he's shy and being a baby. But now, with BIL here, or at least in the proximity, he'll find every excuse, and likely his mother will want her boys over to her house. Anyway, it's just drama that I do not want to contend with, and honestly, I thought it was all over with...that DH had moved on, because every year I host a big Christmas party with lots of people and he enjoys it. It's almost like he's taken 3 giant steps back now that his brother is here every day.

So the more I think about it, the more I think I need to get DH alone...sit him down and lay it out. I've already made up my mind that I WILL leave him if his mother ever has to come live with us!

Pesky, I love my DH too, but if my MIL ever comes to live here, I'll be leaving too! That said, my DH would never put his family before me and I would not tolerate anything less.

You do need to sit DH down and 'lay down the law' as my dear mom used to say. You are carrying the financial burden of your family, so accept the title of 'Head of Household' and own it!

I understand about the money situation; and maybe you can use his job (hobby) to get him to either give it up & find a real job or he'll have to suck it up & tell his brother that things have changed financially since he came & that it's needed for him to kick in to help pay his share. I'm sure you know how much things like electric; gas & water have gone up since he started staying there. FWIW; if you can work the kinks out- it may actually be a good thing if he can stay & help unless having the 3rd person there is a problem. I'm not sure we could add another person permanently; while we do have a spare room; it just throws us off. Anyway; since you are the main bread-winner; your hub should understand where you are coming from.

Your BIL needs to make some decisions- he needs to speak to his wife- unless he knows she's not taking him back & he's in denial. My BIL is doing something similar between my MIL's & SIL's- he's doing a few over nights a week with his wife; but they are trying to work things out. Is your BIL going to counseling? If not; maybe he should. I don't agree with changing jobs right now- he's lucky to have a job in this economy. If your hub doesn't let you speak to BIL about helping out; all he's doing is enabling him to not make good decisions- sure he can take the crummy job because he doesn't have expenses. What if that job doesn't work out? I know your hub loves his brother but he's not doing him any favors if he doesn't help him to stand up on his own. That was part of our problem with the trip hub took- apparently my BIL can't food shop, write bills; or do most things because everyone has done it for him his whole life.

I don't think his son will ever live with us again. We are fine as long as he's out of the picture; as soon as he's in our lives; we have problems because the son doesn't like me (jealous that he did not have the life we have). He may be in a situation where he's going to have to move & we've already decided it will not be with us. Hub's bro also may be getting divorced- I've already told hub that if he needed a place to go temporarily that it's fine but he can't say "stay as long as you like/need".

The only people who can live with me would be a sibling or one of the kids and depending on the situation, would determine the length of time. I've never had a roommate and like that it's just hubby and I now. I like my privacy too much. BIL needs to grow up and find a place of his own or refer him to a homeless shelter. They'll help him find a place he can afford.

I'd rather pay rent for someone to stay elsewhere then to have them in my house.

Pesky, it’s really hard for someone who’s an extrovert and loves being around a lot of people to understand the pure torture that parties can be for an introvert. You probably come away from a large gathering happy and full of energy. An introvert like me is dead tired and feels like s/he’s been hit by a truck. There may have been pleasant or even fun interactions, but being around a lot of people is hard work for an introvert. This is about core personality traits, not the surface appearance. Although many introverts are shy and socially awkward, that’s not always the case. People are always shocked when I say that I’m an introvert, because I function well socially. If they paid attention, they would notice that the larger the group is, the quieter I am. I’m a motor-mouth one to one. My idea of hell on earth is a party of about 10-20 family members, acquaintances or casual friends.

The cultural expectation that couples will do certain things together has always baffled me. It’s great if they enjoy doing so, but I don’t see it as a requirement in most instances. Since there’s a long history of DH resisting attending family gatherings with you, wouldn’t it be more pleasant for everyone if you let the family and DH know that henceforth you’ll be happy to continue to pass along invitations to him, but you will only accept or decline for yourself? DH can accept, decline or ignore as he wishes. That would free you from feeling responsible for getting him to participate, leave it up to him to work out the social stuff in a way that fits him. It would also take away a reason for throwing his toys out of the pram around the holidays.

Ah, my dear, been there,done that....sort of anyway.

In 2009, my adult son moved back in with his pregnant wife. My son is---was then---a real selfish brat. (Deep sigh. Parenting is NOT a fun job.)Anyway, we couldn't pay rent for them...and lots of stuff in their lives. We said come live with us, work, and get back on your feet.

It turned out that my son...both of my sons...kept on thinking of me as MOM. We had several family meetings, but things would slide. Finally, I made up a chart (I'm a former homeschool mom and small business owner, I know the value of visual. lol) The chart assumed we were all adults. Each person was assigned a couple of days to cook dinner. He who cooks does not clean up. Each person was assigned specific cleaning chores to be done on specific days--vacuuming, cat litter, dusting, cleaning bathrooms, etc. Dh and I still purchased the majority of the groceries...including things for the dinners they were preparing...but I had to have an ingredient list by Tuesday evening because I bought food on Wednesdays.

The chart put the jobs where they belonged...on everyone, not just me. Dh and I had a number of talks together. We spent some time in our room together having a cup of tea and watching a movie on the TV in there. We still needed our time.

YOu also have my empathy on the job front....Dh thought his was pretty rock solid until an untimely bankruptcy last summer messed with some of their long term contracts. HIs pay's been cut by a 3rd with the possibility of a job loss next spring. UGH. I'm franctically trying to up my earning capacity so I can fill the gap. Double ugh.

Be strong. Be loving even when you must say hard things. Be wise, patient, and compassionate even when you don't want to be. Be firm.
Be sure to get a few minutes of 'you' time every day or week. (I love being in my home...but I spent a lot of time at the bookstore, garden center, museums, parks, etc. during the time our son lived with us....I needed to breath.)

Keep saying, I'm not the mommy. I'm not the mommy. I'm not the mommy....pretty soon those guys will remember it, too.

Pesky, I've been thinking about you and wanted to know how things are going with your "situation".

ah yes ! I hope things got settled in a timely manner, wishing you the best !

Yogacat, you and I are very similar. No one can tell it on the boards, but I'm also an introvert and can talk 50mph one on one, or with a very small group of close friends and family. During small gatherings I'm witty, fun to be around and I love to talk. Add more people and I suddenly can't think of a word to say even though I know them!

Pesky, it sounds like your dh is having anxiety attacks around the holidays because he doesn't want to be with your family.

I can relate. I love my mother but I always dreaded going to visit her because she would still get onto me like a kid and she'd behave miserably. Slamming doors etc. if she's angry, and boy she'd get angry at the smallest thing, like if we left an empty glass in the living room! I hate saying this but she became my real life "boogie man." lol The worst part is she has NO sense of humor like I do.

The day before we were to go visit her I told my husband "I feel weird, why?" He told me I was having an anxiety attack knowing I was going to visit my mom.

At the time I didn't know what an anxiety attack was. So now that the holidays are here, I think that's what's going on with your husband. He's not being a "baby," he's simply in the beginning stages of feeling anxious (which is NOT his fault) & once the holidays go away, he'll be back to normal. I'm not siding with him over you, but my couch psychology tells me this can't be helped by your husband.

Whenever I start to get anxious (but not in a good way), I take half of a low dose Xanax. I may take one twice a week, no more. Maybe you need to talk to your dh and ask him if he's having anxiety issues and he could get some Xanax from the doctor? It really helps.

I also think you should call a meeting, but don't say anything until they're all home and doing nothing. I'd preface the meeting by saying how much you love them both but the finances, chores and food is taking a toll on you because you work outside the home and then come home to extra work and worry about money.

I'd also preface the meeting by telling them in a nice way that no one gets up until you all have talked it out, and you're not having the meeting to argue, just to make things a bit more peaceful for all of you.

Deal with that first, then deal with BIL leaving second.

Check in!