I have sent you an email through GW. c

Darling Ttodd -- sending along big hugs! And we are here to listen! :)

You have good reason to be angry about the issue of smoking .... and you are right to be worried about your mum -- and your DH's smoking too. Understandable anger on your part! Try to tackle (if at all possible) ONE throny issue at a time! Concentrate on your family's health issues ... and simply "go to work" For now. Just for now.

And consider taking vitamin B-6. It has been a HUGE boon in helping deal with moods. Truly -- just a thought!

Jan at Rosemary Cottage

Oh sweetie - You are going through A LOT! Combine it with your tendency to feel down this time of year, it is no wonder you feel bad.

Can you call your Dr's office and explain your finances? They might allow you to pay a small amount each month to cover your office visit and give you some samples of your meds.

cyber hugs to you,
dee

It's tough to sort through everything when you're on emotional overload. And it really stinks that you don't have insurance. Since you work in the field I second Dee's suggestion to see if you could work out a deal with the doctor's office regarding finances.

Have you ever talked to a professional about your depression? My brother suffers from seasonal depression and in addition to taking meds he sees a psychiatrist once a month. The combination of the two helps, but he still has the occasional bump in the road. He needs to constantly search for something positive in his life to hold onto ... no matter how small. When all he does is focus on the negative he quickly feels like he's drowning.

You can be angry all you want at your mom and dh for the smoking, but don't forget it's an addiction and not easily given up by some people. My dh quit at least 3 times ... once for more than 10 years. Three years ago he used Chantix and so far remains cigarette-free.

Vent all you want. Maybe something someone says here will shine a light.

(((ttodd))) You have a lot on your plate and in combination with whatever chemical and/or hormonal swings are part of your personal calendar - well it's not surprising you feel this way. Another vote for speaking to a doctor and explaining your insurance situation - most doctors I've dealt with are quite willing to work something out - reduced fees and/or payments.

Please feel free to vent whenever you need to - so many of us can relate and it does help to know you're not the only one who swims upstream.

Dear ttodd,

Vent away. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now. A close friend suffers from seasonal depression, and I know how hard it is to get thru these bumps in the road. Everyone here is sending good thoughts and supportive hugs your way ((( ))).
I will say a prayer for your mom for good results on her tests. Smoking is a tough addiction to quite. Try not to be too hard on you sweet DH. I still remember the story you told about him after your rough day at work. He sounds like a good man. Unfortunatly, stressful times are the hardest for former smokers..... In our heads you would think the scare your Mom is having would drive him away from the cigarettes, but for a smoker stress brings on the opposite affect.
Try and stay strong. Vent as much as needed. We are all here to listen, and offer what we can. When you get home tonight- hug your beautiful kids- it always makes me feel better.

Paula

Ttodd, don't feel ashamed of your tears, & certainly don't feel alone. Hardship comes to all of us in some way at some point in our lives. Nobody is let off scott free from serious problems and terrible disappointments. Sometimes we get so discouraged we wonder why we should bother anymore.

We can & should mourn our losses. However at some point we have to stop mourning our losses and make something out of what remains to us. Bad enough we should have the reverses. Why should we also beat ourselves up day after day with suffering over them? If we spend all our mental energy suffering, we won’t have space for creative solutions, or at least moving toward solutions.

How do you shoulder disappointment and move ahead with your day? At some point, when honest mourning starts becoming the chemical imbalance of depression caused by all the negative thinking, you can always do a few dumb mind exercises to block the onslaught of all the fear and negative thinking. You can decide that any more negative thinking is not an option because it won't do any good. Once your brain is on a positive track, perhaps some new idea will occur to you.

Here’s where magical thinking comes in handy. The brain doesn’t know the difference between being happy and pretending to be happy. Happy thoughts ultimately stimulate happy feelings. The feelings are genuine even if the thoughts that encouraged the production of those feelings were fake. This is the reason that groups of people all over the country meet regularly every morning for 30 minutes of laughing out loud.

EXERCISE: EMIL COUE’S EVERY DAY IN EVERY WAY:
This is the most famous, most widely used, and probably the very first mind exercise ever devised. Emil Coue was a French pharmacist who introduced to the world a psychotherapy in the1880s based upon hypnosis. In those days it was called “Suggestion.” Coue was the first modern psychologist to suggest that our thoughts and negativity were causing our problems rather than some overwhelming outside force. The solution was to become strong and informed. The implication was that anyone could do it.

Emile Coue was the originator of positive self-talk, and would take on a new patient only if he would agree to repeat one phrase over and over to himself as a daily habit, “Every day in every way I’m getting better and better and better.”

The mind, through learned association, puts these affirmations in touch with the knowledge and experience, already programmed into your memory banks that can help carry them out. The mind is a wonderful servant in this respect. It already has the ball, and can make the touchdown if you point it in the right direction.

Here’s the exercise: Say to yourself either out loud or silently, “Every day in every way I'm getting better and better. Every day in every way I'm getting better and better.” Keep at it for two minutes, five minutes. As long as it takes. It is not a waste of time. What will deplete you further & is a waste of time, is thinking "I am so stressed out and worried, I’m so depressed."

In the case of a messy house: “Every day in every way my house is becoming neater and neater.” In the case of social anxiety: “Every day in every way my confidence level is getting better and better,” etc. Tailor the exercise to meet your needs.

Once we have taken the edge off the pain of depression, we can follow that up with working on the actual problem. Working on the problem, “magically” first, points the mind in the right direction to subsequently find more realistic solutions. Hopes this makes sense and hope it helps.

Just wondering if you are moving into the Peri-Menopause years????

I know these years have really changed me ...

Jan

Hi Ttodd:

Depression also runs in my family and a couple of my friends have suffered with it off and on for a few years now. There is something that can potentially help for very little cost. I'm sure you've heard of using light therapy for SAD (seasonal affective disorder). In the past these were very large light boxes that were very expensive. Now they have smaller versions that work very well. I've linked to one website that sells them and also gives a lot of good information. You can buy them at quite a few places online (Amazon, Target, etc.), but this site has the most information. They run about $45 - $50 (very cheaply made, but it does work well). I use mine because I had trouble getting and staying asleep and it has helped tremendously. It may be worth giving it a try.

But, please, if you feel like you're ready to lose it, don't leave anything to chance! Get yourself to your doctor or even a minute-clinic that can help you to find you the help you need. Your kids need their mom! In fact, I would recommend getting to a doctor whether you can afford it or not. Your mental health is worth it!

BTW, here is the website where I initially found out about the smaller light therapy boxes (TONS of great info here): http://www.psycheducation.org/depression/LightTherapy.htm

Here is a link that might be useful: Zadro Sunlight 365 SAD Therapy Light Box with Clock

(((ttodd))) I am so sorry you are having such a rough time.

Read what everyone else said and won't belabor the point. Lots of good advice. Sending all good thoughts your way (and your husband's way-quitting smoking is really hard-one of the hardest to kick) and your family's way.

Isn't it nice to have so many imaginary friends to whom you may vent!

I'm sure that I could work something out w/ my family Dr. I just don't want to have to owe more money on a Dr. bill until my other Dr. bills are at a 0 balance. Rest assured I won't hesitate to call them though.

B-6, huh? I will def. check that out!

As the day progresses I start to feel a better - the mornings and early afternoons seem to be my worst times. Is there seasonal AM disorder? ;O)

I've been talking w/ trailrunner and as I really think about it I think that maybe if I dealt w/ some things in the past I would be better overall. I don't think that I need in-depth heavy counseling but I really like the idea of going to talk w/ somebody once a month or so. To sort of keep me on track. I like that idea Natal.

Stinky-gardener - I whole heartedly believe in the power of what you wrote. Honestly I think that's what's kept me going and when I've found that I can't keep those positive thoughts and that my 'inducing' positive thought to trick my brain into positive thought isn't working - that is when I'd head to the Dr. That and if my sleep was getting disturbed. I never play around w/ my sleep. I will def. try the exercises. I really believe in the power of positive thought.

Thaks for the link to the lights. I've heard about them but never tried them.

And thank you for reminded me about how the addicts mind thinks. That is so important. I'm too much of a control freak to become an addict so it's hard (admittedly so) for me to be patient w/ DH over and over and over.

I will not think bad thoughts about my mom's situation until all of the facts are in and then I will simply do what needs to be done as I always do - diligently treading along and fixing things until all is well. That's what I do best - make sure everything is in place and taken care of for others. I can't help it - maybe that's what helps numb the thoughts. I know I'm not the only 'fixer' out there ladies!

tif, have we been separated at birth? I am not a social animal at work either. I have very good friends tho. I think teacats suggestion was a good one of a possible trigger (don't know your age), as were the other suggestions by all who responded. I like stinky's idea. I am going to try that power of positive thought the next morning I get up feeling blah.

Can't speak to the smoking thing. My DM is an absolute chain smoker. Every childhood photo depicting DM, she's holding a cig. I gave up long ago trying to get her to stop. My home is smoke free, she goes outside in the dead of winter when she visits. It is very hard, and I give you alot of credit for haning in and taking care of whatever comes down your life path with regard to that particular issue. I can empathize with you on that front.

As for your DH smoking, I think ya need to cut him a little slack, just for a little bit. Your family is his family too, and he may be a bit stressed at this moment (not that you aren't more so), just sayin.

Glad you had a vent, hope it helped!

Big hugs to you!

"I will simply do what needs to be done as I always do - diligently treading along and fixing things until all is well. That's what I do best - make sure everything is in place and taken care of for others..."

It sounds like you are discounting of yourself for being this way. Frame it in positive terms!
Ttodd's note to self: "I am loving, caring, compassionate, responsible, resilient & resourceful. I am a person of character and strength."

Big smile!

Good night all!

((((ttodd))))

Love what you said, Stinky!

Best wishes, dearie. You do have some worrisome things going on, plus it is fall which is a weepy kind of time. I was struggling today-- getting upset about say, not being able to decide on a paint color or someone on the Web dissing my profession-- dumb stuff. I went to exercise class (Zumba!) and felt much better. Exercise really does work like an antidepressant for me. All the other good things aside I really can't stop doing it for that reason.

(((ttodd))) - You have a heap of friends here. It sounds like you are affected by depression, compounded by seasonal blues. I can relate, and I know that depression and anxiety can act as filters for life experiences. An otherwise minor matter filtered through an anxious or depressed perspective takes on a whole life of its own.

I have experienced a low-grade depression most of my life, which runs on my father's side of the family. I also have the SAD stuff, and your post caught my eye because I have just started noticing it intensifying over the past couple of weeks. How long have you been feeling this way, as of late?

Now, I live in northern Wisconsin, and the trees have mostly dropped their leaves, and the temperatures have fallen too. The mornings and evenings are losing daylight.

I definitely have more anxiety with the depression in the morning hours. By lunch, I'm usually feeling considerably better. Yet, I'll wake up the next morning, only to do it all over again. I can relate to the depression commercial about having to "wind" oneself up in order to face the day. I haven't been sleeping especially well with this, and I think the irritability is caused by a combination of depression and sleep disturbance.

Anyway, the good news in all of this is that it's treatable. The light boxes, exercise, pampering oneself, etc., can all help. While there may be no magic bullet, a combination of things may make a big difference.

When I start to notice that I'm feeling overwhelmed by my mood, I try to be extra good to myself. I love to go for walks or sit in the tub with a good magazine. Keeping the mind occupied and busy distracts from the negative inner happenings. I also find housework to help in the mornings when I feel anxious and need to get moving. If you find something that helps, try to get into a routine with it, as you will take comfort in having a way of coping.

Anyway, just know that I'm sending warm wishes your way. Hope you have a better week.

Jan

Oh T...so sorry to hear all the junk you're going thru.

Depression runs in my family, too...and my poor kids...they got it from both sides. My eldest DD is struggling with hers, as well as panic disorder. She's a psychology major, so she's fully aware of the biological aspects, but when it comes to herself, she can't accept it. She kept trying to talk herself out of it, did positive self talk, etc...but it just didn't work. I likened it to a pot of soup. You taste it, and it's good, but it is missing something to make it right. So for her, the anti-depressant was the seasoning to make the soup taste right. (Ok, goofy analogy but the only one I could think up for her). She's also uninsured and that was adding to her stress, but I convinced her to get back on the meds and stay on them, since her biological soup is missing that one ingredient. She's found a $4 generic, so that may be something you can check on. And she's also doing exercise (endorphins are known anti-depressants), the light therapy, and she meets with an informal group at school. So perhaps you can find some groups that are low/no cost?

I realized a couple years ago that along with the menopause (due to hysterectomy), empty nest, health issues, hated job, and life in general, that I needed to get on something to battle the anxiety and mild depression. And I know that when I think I don't need it anymore, and stop taking it, I realize that I DO need it. Just like I need the thyroid meds to regulate my body, I need my meds to regulate my pituitary gland...or whatever it is that is scrambling the messages in my brain. My own soup is fine when I add that seasoning

Hope you get to feeling better soon. It's so important to take care of yourself FIRST, so you can be there for everyone else who needs a piece of you.

My mom (86) thought she needed an anti-depressant and was on one for years but wanted to come off of it. She had a hell of a time trying to get off and then two months ago my doctor gave her a scrip for female hormones- bioidentical progesterone. Her personality changed night and day. It was like she was herself again to such an extent that she was able to (under doctor supervision) titrate down the Paxil and she is now almost off of it and feeling SO much better. She had a lot of side effects with the anti-depressants through the years but attributed them to aging. They are decreasing now thank God.

I am aware of other physical reasons for depression as we age: We need more Vite D 3, and that is a big cause of seasonal depression. I take 5-10,000 a day and my blood levels for vite D are only in the mid range. They have never gone too high. And thyroid, lack of is a major cause of depression. Synthroid does not really do the job for a lot of people. So a lot of people are told by the doc that since their tests show normal on thyroid that the depression and other remaining symptoms are something else but if they went to a doc that gives other forms of thyroid, they get rid of that symptom. I feel depressed when my thyroid is not under control, in actually in my earlier years before it was detected, *mega* depressed, so I know that awful feeling. I hope you feel better soon!

Here is a link that might be useful: good site on thyroid

I definitely want to second (third? fourth?) the exercise suggestion. It was the only thing that worked for me (and, as an added bonus, it's free or at least a lot cheaper than doctors and drugs!)

I've been battling depression since my first child was born, although I didn't realize it until much later. She had a bunch of health issues that sent me for a loop. Then baby #2 came along (more PPD), then the whole thing with the stucco on my house (which was a financial and emotional disaster). I ate everything in sight for years and gained over 60 lbs from what I weighed when I got pg with baby #1 (and I wasn't exactly thin then!). I finally realized/admitted I was depressed and saw a psychiatrist in 2005. I was on and off antidepressants for several years -- each one would work for a while (a few weeks to a month) then it seemed to stop working and all the old feelings would come back. I was halfheartedly trying to lose weight during this time - exercising a half hour a couple times a week while the kids were at swim lessons or something. I didn't notice any effect from the exercise either.

Then in April 2009, I was diagnosed with high blood pressure (I had already had high cholesterol from way back and heart disease runs in my family bad -- basically, every single one of my relatives that's dead has died of something heart related). Suddenly, at the age of 38, I had my own cardiologist who was telling me that if I didn't change something, I'd have a heart attack by the time I turned 50. I got a LOT more motivated about the exercise and weight loss -- I started doing 45 minutes to an hour of cardio 5 times a week and I stopped eating junk food all day long. I basically made it my mission to beat this -- I WAS going to lose weight and I WAS going to lower my blood pressure and by god nothing was going to stop me. I don't know if it was my new determination or the additional exercise, but about a month into the new regimen, the cloud over my head lifted and I felt emotionally good for the first time in years.

I'm still exercising a lot (and am now down over 65 lbs) and I still feel good depression wise -- sometimes I can sense the clouds approaching (I'll start getting in a funk or all moody for no reason) but I can usually beat it back with a long cardio session a few days in a row. This time of year is definitely harder -- the shorter days mean less time outside, cutting back my runs, etc. and I'm definitely feeling the effects of that.

But overall I can definitely vouch for the fact that for me, exercise worked better than any of the antidepressants I tried. Unfortunately, for me, it seems I had to do a LOT of exercise -- I spent a year doing a half hour a couple times a week and that didn't cut it. I have to do it almost every day or I can feel myself start to slip back into the funk. It's a huge time sink and there are many days when I'd rather skip my workout but I have to keep it a priority (and yes, that means sometimes I go to the gym instead of the PTA meeting (insert mommy guilt here).) My dh seems to be getting resentful of me sticking him with the kids while I go running in the evenings (he was more understanding when I was actively losing weight and battling the high bp -- now that I'm in maintenance, he's getting sick of it), but I know I need to stick with it for both my heart disease risk factors and my emotional state.

Anyhow, good luck. Depression is horrible and realizing you have it is a big step in itself (it took me almost 5 years to admit/figure it out). Hopefully, you'll find something that works for you. (((hugs)))

[and hey, if you ever want to get out for a jog -- or a nice thrifting jaunt or just a girls night out, you have my email addy!]

Hi Ttodd,
thinking of you and hope you are having a good day :o)

Paula

ttodd:

Please know that we are supporting you. I haven't read today's postings yet, but it appears that many of us have depression/low periods and can empathize with you.

As I said, I haven't read today's posts so I don't know if anyone else has mentioned this: my medication needs to be adjusted, but my PA prescriped 50 000 units of Vitamin D taken once per week for five weeks and then cut back to 2000 units per day. I'm still in the five-week period so don't know how helpful it will be. (This is in addition to the current antidepressant dosage.)

Please know you are not alone; although I'm generally a lurker, I am impressed by how caring this blog community is. PLUS, it sounds as if your husband is tremendously supportive (from your previous post).

ttodd, I'm a recovering control freak and I would venture to guess that the desire for a sense of control is the root of what's going on with you. Desire for a sense of control is usually an illusion that stems from childhood related 'stuff'. In my experience, control always stems from some type of fears....fears that others won't like or accept me as I am, fears that I'm not bright enough, clever enough, enough of anything to be honestly accepted by those who matter to me and who I should matter to.

You mentioned that you don't have alot of friends to share with...lack of trust is so closely interwoven with control issues. You don't trust anyone/anything easily, do you?

My dad was a control freak. He and my mom successfully raised both my sisters and I to be control freaks as well! I'm an alcoholic and have now been sober for about 14 years - that wouldn't have happened until I was willing to work with therapists on my control issues. I used both therapy and Al-Anon. My next sister is NOT an alcoholic, but her control issues developed into a near nervous breakdown earlier this year. She's also conscious of money (that's another piece of the control issues for people like us) and also started going to Al-Anon which she now attends weekly. She is becoming a new person thanks to the fact that she finally elevated herself to a level at which she now believes she deserves to feel better. My last sister is still stuck in believing she has control...and she's really a miserable person.

I strongly encourage you to get help. You may have some seasonal stuff going on, but I'd bet large amounts that, in this case, the smoking thing just triggered what's already deeply embedded in you. I'd encourage giving Al-Anon a call if insurance is an obstacle.

Well-said Patser. I think that most of us walk around with a ton of repressed fear. Getting in touch with it is not easy...because we've been so good at pushing it down! Being aware that it's there is the first step.

Surrendering to "what is" usually comes with a great deal of maturity. I don't think most people get there without encountering first-hand the futility of trying to control life. Even then, many people never see the futility. I whole-heartedly believe that the degree to which we are fearful (even if the fear is not conscious) is the degree to which we will try to control what is around us.

It's a daunting treadmill. The house will never be clean enough, the car will never be shiny enough, the lawn will never be green enough, the meals will never be tasty enough. But you have to try to be perfect, because if you were just an ordinary Josephine, who would notice or care about you? You must dazzle them with your super-human qualitities. In essence, "make them" like and appreciate you!

Don't know how much of that is going on with Ttodd, but as I said, I think so many of us have it to some degree much of our lives. Letting go is part of growing up I think. 12-step groups are a great way to facilitate that process. I have much respect for what they teach & how they teach it.

Congratulations on your 14 years of sobriety! That's huge. I think Al-Anon is an outstanding organization that does excellent work. Good for you for participating. Sounds like you have gotten a lot out of it. Best of luck to your sister. You have surely been a good example to her. She's lucky to have a sister like you.

patser -Recovering control freak here as well. Thankfully no alcohol or drugs involved, but I can see how that could easily happen when you have to be in control. Congrats on your 14 yrs! Mine came to light when DD was born with a terrible disease.

I have always been a bit of a control freak, but that aspect of my personality multiplied 10 fold on the day of her birth.

I do try to control that part of my personality, and most days am able to live with "it is what it is".

Work in Progress
Your post touched me this morning. My daughter too was diagnosed with a chronic illness at age 5 ( 11 yrs ago). That too was when my control issues started. Control- how I wish I had some....I think because, like you) I have no control over her illness, I try to control everything else in my world. Of course it doesn't change anything for her, but I guess in my crazy head it makes me feel better. When things get "hairy" with her, I become even worse- cleaning, organizing,redecorating, cleaning closets like a nut case. I used to say it was a way of distracting myself, but that was not really the case.
Hope your daughter is doing well.

Homebody, I hear what you are saying. I thought about WIP's remark after I read it too. Yes. Surrendering, not feeling tempted to control the world after having a child must be SO hard. Bring illness into the picture and what a challenge it must be. I think it can be done, but requires a lot of awareness and committed effort.

Think about it. You want to make the world a better place for your child; to shelter, protect and shield them from all pain. When you can't do that fully (& no parent can) the impulse to control everything else makes perfect sense.

Therefore, maybe children are the very best teachers of surrender. Like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're going to get! To have children is the ultimate leap of faith!

I've always said that being a parent is the hardest and most important job in the world. What an admirable, awesome task, and one that can be enriching (and taxing!) beyond any other.

Good Morning All!

Wow - some of your posts are scary dead on! They hit so close to home.

I'm convinced that the only reason that I've not been addicted to anything is because I can't let myself be out of control of myself. I'm slowly beginning to see that while a control issue can have it's plus side - well - I'm seeing (facing) that there are so many more downsides.

Over the years I've convinced myself that it was okay becuase I wasn't ever expecting anybody else to measure up to my standards that I set for myself. Only me. I've come to realize that from a very young age watching my family around me be so out of control is what must have made me always strive for uber control. I would always hear my mom tell people that she never knew if I was excited about something until a week or 2 later when I would finally mention about whatever it was. I think I was afraid that the good thing would always go away.

I remember my mom talking about Al - Anon many yrs. ago. I forget what it was but I might well check it out.

Yesterday I started changing the things that I could around me to help direct me towards a more positive light. Changed my radio station back to the Christian rock station I used to always listen to. The DJ's (how dated am I?) are so much more poistive than any others on regular rock stations. Or I would listen to CD's. I think hearing the positive voice and positive discussion on the radio helps keep me more focused than listening to CD's. I'm going to ask DH to load my MP3 w/ positive talk and radio stuff. He likes to do that for me.

I'm taking the advice of letting work just be that. I hung a smiley face up that says positive thoughts so that it will remind me.

B-6 is on my grocery list for Saturday.

Gotta get back out and exercise. Running always gave me such a great rush but until my ankle is healed I can't run. It's been months. I tried running over the Summer and my ankle was close to giving out from tendonitis. I'm going walk though. Force myself to go out at lunch and walk and go for a walk w/ my children after dinner on the days that I'm not working. At least just get out!

You all have been very instrumental in getting my 'logic head' re-oriented to begin the process of getting back on track.

I don't feel nearly as isolated as I had just a few short days. So many of you both near and far have reached out to me in so many ways. I may even have a jogging buddy once this ankle gets better!

On a funny side note:

The last time that I felt this way was when I was working for a notoriously difficult Dr. He was known for making people cry, walk off the floor and I was never successful in finding an assistant t replace me when I went out on maternity leave. They would never show up again after having to deal w/ him one on one w/o me. He and I got along great as we both got to know eachother and found out that his oldest son had committed suicide following a long depression. Dr. P was the first person that I ever uttered the word 'depression' to about myself and it was not uncommon for the 2 of us to just sit and talk after hours.

A few weeks after coming back from maternity leave we were sitting in his office as I was going over his schedule w/ him for the next day. All of the sudden he asked me what was wrong w/ me (I must have forgotten something) and tears welled up in my eyes. I was content to keep going on w/ his review when he made me stop and asked if I thought I might have PPD. I started crying and and said 'No. I'm fine when I'm home, it's only at work that I feel this way.' Pause. 'Oh my god! It's YOU!'.

We both had a really good laugh at that followed by a shot of something that he kept in his office.

ttodd, You said "I'm convinced that the only reason that I've not been addicted to anything is because I can't let myself be out of control of myself."

I'm curious - what's the most terrible, awful, worst thing that could possibly happen if you did let yourself get out of control?

Oh! I'm so sorry to read that one of my favorite posters is down in the dumps (you didn't know you had a fan, did you ttodd). Depression isn't the end of the world. Use it as a time for some much needed self-nurturing.

My BIL suffered from depression for many years and masked it well until his behavior became extreme (combination of childhood issues, stress & SAD became overwhelming). He tried the light box last winter and said he hadn't felt that good in years. I hope you'll give it a try, ttodd, or at least get out in sunlight as much as you can.

Can you afford a gym right now? Group classes have the double benefit of fun exercise and socialization.

Many blessings/good thoughts/hugs to you.

Make that entry on your grocery list into a MULTIPLE B vitamins tablet. All of the B vitamins would be good for you right now!
Blessings to you,
J

It has been so, so good to read your responses and see some of you talk w/ eachother about some of the same things that go on w/ you!

AWM03 - thank you very much. Yesterday I looked at my hands and my fingers are nothing but dried up, cracked up, bleeding nubs. I have no idea how long I've been sub-conciously picking at them from all of this. So I thought of you and am going to treat myself to a manicure.

Oh Patser! The 'Unknown' is what would happen! Chaos could ensue and then Heaven only knows! Are you saying that it might be okay? :O)

I'm not big on the unknown. I read constantly and search out information as soon as a question or thought arises. Rarely can I ever just say 'I don't know'. I have to know!

I agree w/ the whole kid thing and was glad to see that others had the same tendancies.

Like some other posters mentioned when I get upset I tend to clean, straighten, organize, sort. I can manage and control that. You'd think my house would be neater - Ha! Ha! That's a cruel joke!

This past Sunday I spent hours out in my van away from everybody cleaning, cleaning, cleaning. It was all that I could do to NOT go in the house to get Q-tips to further clean the nooks cand crannies in the air vents!

When I'm doing well I purposefully stop myself one step before crazy so that I don't inadvertantly set goals that will end up out of reach since I always try to do better and do more each time that I do something. I know that I need to learn to sometimes 'just let things be'.

I've been feeling better - I've not been allowing the negative influences and positive thought suckers to get in and stay in. I've been walking at lunch.

Yesterday at work the bad sucky people tried to draw me in so in turn I wrote some positive notes to past patients to see how they were doing and wish them well. That kept me on a happy track.

I'm waiting on mom's CT report. She's going to the pulmunolgist next week. Not sure how they do things up there but it seems to be taking forever. We spoke for awhile yesterday AM. She said that they told her the growth is in a spot that is not operable. I told her that her PCP would not be the one operating so she should discuss that w/ her pulmunologist as he would be the one that will do the biopsy and is the one that takes lung growths out on a regular basis, not her PCP. She sounded in decent spirits.

Hope you all have a good day and thanks again!

Ttodd,

I have no words of wisdom for you. ((((HUGS)))) Just wanted to let you know I'm sending positive thoughts your way. I haven't read all the responses, because mostly I decided that they were for you, not me, must be a HIPAA thing!

If money is an issue with you regarding talking to someone, perhaps there are free hotlines you can call and talk to a counselor. Not sure if this is what you need or not. Again, just wanted to say that I am sorry to hear you are having a tough time right now.

-Bee

Ttodd, I have just checked in simply to offer you a giant hug this morning! Everyone has given you great advice and I have nothing to add except a big hug. Hang in there. ((((((Hug))))))

Pick one thing, one obtainable goal each day, and do it. It can get overwhelming if you're always thinking about how much that needs to get done. Break things down into manageable chunks.

For me, going to a public place, say a park, or a Starbucks, and striking up conversations with people you don't know always makes me feel better. You never know who'll you'll meet. Someone, somewhere always seems to have a new, unexpected angle on their outlook and mine.

You started off saying you've never shared this much and you're worried it's too much info. It's not, and the very fact that you're sharing it shows you're trying to make progress and to help yourself. It may not feel that way now, but you are. It is always fine to draw from our greatest resource - other people - whenever you feel the need.

Hope your mom turns out to be allright.

Take good care of yourself.

Glad to hear you are feeling a bit better. Waiting is tough. Stay busy- getting pampered!!!!

Keeping you and your mom in my thoughts and prayers

I have been out of town this week for work, so I missed your post, and I'm glad to hear things are a little better.

I have posted here before about my struggles with depression and anxiety, so I hope you know how completely I empathize with you. It can be soooo hard at times. And seasonal depression is a real, true, thing. Many people have more difficulties at certain times of the year, and fall/holidays/winter is a tough time.

One thing that keeps me going is remembering that things always change--for better or worse--and I will feel better at some point. I believe that getting up in the morning, taking care of your responsibilities, trying to do the best you can... that is a victory each and every day. On really bad days, when I'm alone in my car or something, I will say "I can do it, I can do it" to myself. Probably look like a nutcase, but oh well :) At the end of the day, I take pride in knowing I fought my way through it and did the best I could.

My family also has a very strong history of depression. In some ways, it is helpful to me to realize the biological, genetic components of depression. When I have thoughts that there is something lacking in my willpower or strength, it helps me not blame myself so much. If I had thyroid problems or diabetes, would I get angry at myself for not being able to fix it? That is how I came to terms with taking antidepressants. If you need them, take them! Maybe there are clinics or services available that you can access without insurance-- please find a way if you think you need to.

Vitamins are great too. I was a skeptic about Vitamin D deficiency, but I think it makes a difference, and also fish oil for omega-3s.

I can relate to needing to be in control, and to being a private person without a big social life. It is my personality. But it is important to let some things go, focus on your real priorities, spend time with people or activities you enjoy. It does help :)

Thinking of you, and sending lots of support!

Jen

Jen - I was so glad to see your post. I remembered that there was somebody who posted fairly recently about some struggles and I couldn't for the life of me remember who it was. I wanted to see how you were doing.

Took some more advice from the board this wknd (lee676) and while I was grocery shopping I purposefully engaged in conversation w/ a complete stranger in the cheese aisle. It was way out of my comfort range but I knew I had to try it. It felt really good. Another wise poster here noted how she needed to push herself to do something out of her normal comfort range and how when she accomplished this huge task (it was a biggie that she picked!) that she felt amazing.

I'm still focusing on spreading 'kindness' to others around me, conciously 'being happy' even when I may not feel it I stop and do something or think something to 'get there'. Concentrating on my home fires and leaving work at work. I'm getting a radio for the front office to help 'drown out' the things and conversation that go on out on the floor in back.

Finances tend to get at me so yesterday I went out and opened my own personal savings account as a game to see how much I can save and then pay down some things on the side. I felt good just being pro-active.

I say my little pep talk that 'I can do this' and each morning when I get in my van I say a little prayer about helping me being a better person (ie: being less negative).

At home I'm focusing on 1 task at a time and getting that done before moving on. One day this wknd. I am making my task be nothing - just enjoy what may unfold throughout the day.

I'm trying to talk to mom via phone every day (that's my goal) and instead of 'fixing' just being there. The other day she asked me to do some research for her and what should she ask the specialist on Thursday. I started to do it and then stopped. This morning I just told her that I think that she needs to just first hear what the specialist says. I told her that I could do all of the research in the world and come up w/ a billion questions for her but that it would be a waste of time until we know. She said that afterwards she had thought the same thing and we moved onto garden talk.

Feeling better that's for sure and I seriously chalk it up to you guys getting me to focus, accept and make some changes. Eventually I will be back to a better, stronger and more knowledgeable me.

THANK YOU!

"...I went out and opened my own personal savings account as a game to see how much I can save and then pay down some things on the side. I felt good just being pro-active."

What a great idea! Gives you more feeling of control, too. Feeling more in control is very important.

"I say my little pep talk that 'I can do this' and each morning when I get in my van I say a little prayer about helping me being a better person (ie: being less negative). ...At home I'm focusing on 1 task at a time and getting that done before moving on."

Well, that's the good side of depression (yes, there are some!) -- you narrow your focus. That can help a lot, tackling things a bit at a time, even if it's just the little niggling crap. Resolving the "LNC" still makes you feel better, even if you can't solve the big issues. Self-nurture, self-nurture, self-nurture.

I once saw Steve Martin in a concert (wow, back in 1973, come to think of it). He joked, "You can always tell the Philosophy majors on campus. They're the ones with their eyes glazed over, saying 'right foot, left foot, right foot, left foot...' " At times during bad depressions, that's exactly how I felt. But you know what? That gets you through the day very well. Narrow focus, talking yourself through, self-celebration -- keep it up, ttodd!

Saying a prayer for you right now. Hope your "blue period" is an enlightening one for you.

ttodd, your story of purposely engaging in a conversation with a stranger at the grocery and feeling good reminds me of a story that I feel compelled to tell you.

One day, after receiving awful news, the kind of "I feel like rolling over and dying" kind of news, I forced myself to get on with it by using a piece of advice a wise friend gave me years before. Its always worked like magic for me. My friend is a long time counselor and I've done a fair amount of it myself.

Here it is: your job is to give other people "wins". If you can think with this, you'll see that it can change *everything*, because your attention will automatically go outwards instead of inward. Thats the key. If you get the idea that wherever you go, every person that you interact with, that they should feel better for having interacted with you, you now have a job, instead of an illness.

So this one day, I dragged myself out to the grocery, and just started looking around while shopping. I started to observe the other shoppers and look for the good in each person. Pretty soon I was able to ease my attention off my crushing news, a tiny bit at a time. I observed a mother and a daughter, a man pushing a cart. They all have their own story, and I imagined what that might be and decided each person had some goodness and found something I could like about them. I got a few smiles.

Before I knew it, I found myself in the baking section where something happened to me that has never ever happened before. A lady there was holding a gourmet foodie mag and looking at the spices. She showed me the recipe she was looking at and started to talk about cracked pepper, and asked me for an opinion about which pepper to use. Well, we ended up next talking about baking, and I asked her for advise on a desert I was making for my mom's birthday. One thing led to another, and we ended up in a 10 minute conversation with the woman pouring out her story to me (I didn't ask for it I was just being a good listener). She told me how she is a dermatologist, but is really a foodie and how she would much prefer to be involved in food which is her passion. And part way through the conversation, she reached for my hand and gave me the warmest heartfelt handshake you would ever get from a friend, no less a stranger, and she said "Hi, I'm Nancy."

I walked out of that grocery completely uplifted, and that was the beginning of the resolution of the problem/news that I had earlier gotten. I could get outside myself enough to make correct decisions and respond to others involved without wrong emotions or making anyone wrong. My very awful problem/ news began its tricky resolution at that point with that magic bullet advise. ....and what someone else said: B complex! (and D3, the sunshine vitamin). Good luck!!