Had to stop and think but I believe you are on to something. We had a really really bad patch 20 years ago....we are now almost 40 years. I was ready to leave him and "find myself". We had 3 kids and I had just gotten a new job that paid a lot and working outside the home for the first time ever. Freedom and money was a heady mix...LOL. I was sure that I had gotten married too young and had kids too soon and had missed everything that life had to offer.

Boy am I glad that DH was a rock and simply said...I love you and you will NEVER find anyone who loves you more. He was right of course. Our marriage has been almost perfect since then. I always think of that 1/2 way point and see it as the strengthening mark in our marriage.

I have a very good friend who's grandfather used to say " never say whoa in a mud hole"...he is right of course...you get stuck there and can't get out. have to keep moving forward.

Not every marriage is meant to be but if some couples would keep at it they could get through the " bad patch" and find a lot of long lasting strength.

Just my .02. c

I don't know if it's the age of the people or the length of time together but I agree - many do reach a point where
"Is that all there is?" becomes a siren song.

We've been married 28.5 years now and for the most part chugged along with the normal little ups and downs of life - not major upheavals but little by little the joy was seeping out. But at our 22 year mark a number of things contributed to our turning point. We had a child in crisis, my father died, someone other than my DH was suddenly attentive to me and I had some means to indulge myself in ways that I hadn't before - we were in chaos. I didn't want to end my marriage but I wanted to end the way it was constructed.

I drew a line in the sand. Without hesitation my DH said he would relearn how to relate to me. We entered counseling for our son and ourselves, and there is NO way I could have survived that year intact without knowing I had a partner in every sense of the word. And I believe our son may not have survived at all had we not worked together to save him - it could not have been done individually. We essentially created a new marriage and it looks quite different from what it was before. Sometimes even now I get stuck and anticipate a behavior from my DH based on old experience but he reminds me that was the old DH and then proceeds to surprise me.

I wear 2 wedding bands - the original and a new one he gave me shortly after our 23rd anniversary - no renewal ceremony, just our private moment. Both represent our union and commitment but 2 distinctly different lives.

I think it is a phase that couples who have married young go through when the kids are gone or almost out of the house. My theory is that when you marry young, you're not fully formed as an individual yet. Your personal likes, desires, dreams, wishes, etc. aren't fully formed and may develop over time while you're married. The fortunate couples grow in the same direction. But many individuals change over time and don't do it as a couple. And rather than living as a couple, a husband may be focusing on building a career and a wife may be focusing on raising the kids. When the singular challenges are gone, they turn and look at each other to find they have nothing in common.

I know that is overly simplified, but I have seen it more than once. Also, women have tremendous earning power now compared to 50 or even 25 years ago. Having that makes it easier to just move on.

I think for the most part our society simple gives up too soon, too. It's not easy or all about my fulfillment or whatever, so junk it and start something else. Often that doesn't work either from what I hear.

Love the getting stuck in the mud analogy. And I really appreciated reading the stories of couples who went through some tough times and came out of it stronger together. Very encouraging. Maybe we need more of that kind of story sharing...

Yep. Robert and I struggled as a couple when the kids were teenagers - that would have put us right around 18 years into marriage. Primarily our arguments centered around parenting.

It's funny how he makes dates for us now. Out to dinner or a day trip somewhere fun. He'll even go clothes shopping with me now. Of course, he thinks everything is 'cute' so he isn't much help.

I wonder if there is also the issue of couples having been so child-focused for so long, that when the child leaves for college or leaves the nest, the couple realizes they have a only weak attachment to each other?

I think for the most part our society simple gives up too soon, too. It's not easy or all about my fulfillment or whatever, so junk it and start something else. Often that doesn't work either from what I hear.

Or maybe after 20 years of trying, you give up and face reality.

I'm sure that is certainly part of it. For us, we had a challenging teen who could easily intimidate his father. Not a good situation because DH would undermine my parenting. DH and I landed in counseling over this. We only went three times (counselor thought we 'got it') but it certainly helped us see each others viewpoint.

At 26, that challenging teen is grateful for my "stubborn" parenting style and thinks his father is a Saint.

But now we really know that having a child just to save a marriage will never work. Children can add stress, even to a good marriage.

I just asked DH, who's been a divorce attorney for over 40 years, if he's noticed a pattern in the length of a marriage at the time of divorce. He said he hasn't noticed that particular pattern.

DH would always recommend to his clients to go to counseling, but he finally gave that up because he didn't have one couple reconcile because at the point they came to see him, they just were too angry.

We'll hit #31 next month. I think it was probably around #20 that the doubts started to seep in. We never had kids, so that wasn't part of the equation. I think it's easy to reach a point where you take each other for granted, but you can never stop working on a relationship. My mom, of all people, really made me stop and think what I could be throwing away. I'll always be grateful for that!

We're pushing 20 right now and things are better than I could have ever imagined. One of the keys, I think, is putting the marriage first. We only have one kid and it would have been too easy to focus all of our attention on her. We partly did this to prevent her from becoming too big a brat, but also because I figured she'd be gone someday and all we'd have left was each other.

We do have the advantage of a big age difference. Because he is much older than I am, I have always known we would not "grow old together" and have therefore felt grateful for every day. It's something I might not have been so conscious of if we were the same age.

I know that my sister told me that her DH was getting too 'old' (he's 10 years older than her) and she wanted more fun out of life. She's definitely going thru a mid-life crisis and frankly, it's just not flattering. She's traded her husband for a new guy who has the $ to do all the things her soon-to-be-ex can't afford anymore.

BIL's wife told me a few months ago that she's about to turn 50 and for the first time in her adult life she's got no kids to raise, so she wants to go have fun now. Her 3 daughters are also going thru divorces and partying, and I think she wants to hang with them. Both she and my sister still look great for their age and they want to live it up.

I try not to judge, but it seems selfish to me. I sure wouldn't want to be out there trying to find a new man when I've FINALLY figured out the one I've been with for 21 years! He's been there with me for all this time, thru some of the worst times and now we're trying to make some of the best times. Right now, he's being a pissy baby and picking fights with me...but I know he's acting out and testing me because of his brother. In a few days he'll realize that I'm not going anywhere and we'll be happy again.

I know that my first marriage was a mistake, but both these couples had seemed to be in it for the long haul, until the last year...when the gals decided they were done and wanted more. In my brother's case...it was HIS mid-life...and they appear to be working things out, but I suspect it may just be until their kids are all out of the house.

I don't disagree with divorce, if it's not right, it's not right...but boredom and new thrills...well to me, that just doesn't seem right. It's sad.

We have been married 25 years, and also experienced very rough times at about the 20 year mark. I attribute it mostly to the stress of our oldest son's addiction to drugs and alcohol. There is lots of addiction in DH's family, so I automatically blamed him and his gene pool for our son's addiction.

What saved us was counseling, 12 step recovery work, and a recommittment to the marriage. It would have been easier to just give up and blame others, but when I think about what my life would be like if I had done that I shudder. Living full of anger and resentment is not living. Today, our marriage is better than ever and we are looking forward to our empty nest when our youngest leaves home next year. I think sometimes people give up too easily, but I also believe that divorce is sometimes the right choice.

I got married at 20, been with my dh since I was 18. We had some whopper of arguements in our 20s and 30s, but what I learned and have told my kids is to "Let your spouse have their mood. It will pass. Don't take harsh words towards you personal, even though it seems personal at the time."

That's how we've always lived, now arguments are few and far between. When I see that my dh is in a crappy/silent mood, I give him space. It always passes.

Paul Newman said something wonderful one day that I told my husband and we both agreed with him and just cracked up over it.

When asked if he and Joanne had ever thought about splitting, he said, "Oh, there have been many times, but I didn't have anywhere else to go."

I loved it!

I hope it's not in the air... we are having a really tough time in our marriage. We have been married 16 years, together for 20. Our DS is just 5, so it's not an upcoming empty nest situation. For us, I think it's more issues of disappointment with each other, tiring of the same old fights, and changes in interests and priorities as we've gotten older.

We went to counseling last year, and we have been talking about needing to go back. We'll see...

I sure wouldn't want to be 50-ish and single again. Men in that age bracket aren't interested in 50-year-old women. Look at all the dating ads with older men looking for "trim, attractive 25-40 yro" females.

oakley: haha..my DH said the same thing. I told him he can get a younger chick and he said, "what?! u want me to die young LOL" :-)

A lot of my friends are splitting up. We are in the cohort late 30s-mid 40s. I read that couples who got married in their mid-20s have the highest divorce rate & married couples who are in the mid-40s are at the highest risk for divorce. That corresponds to the 20yrs itch, doesn't it?

Interesting thoughts. We have been married almost 29 years. We have a wonderful relationship and always have had. We have had our moments, but I can't say we've ever really hit a moment where we considered parting. We were in our early 20s when we got married. We have no children and I've often wondered if that contributes to our close relationship. We've always been able to focus on each other.

I feel very blessed to have the marriage/partnership we have.

tina

Glad I opened this thread!

Your stories and insights are very valuable - thank you!

jlc712 - I hope you and your DH are able to benefit from more counseling. With a 5 year old counting on you both it's certainly worth trying to mend a marriage. Which is not to fault you if that doesn't work out. Sometimes - sometimes - the biggest hurdle is committing to the decision to make it work and do whatever it takes. There can't always be a happy ending but until you make up your mind to try, you'll never know for sure. Best of luck to you.

more on the subject ...

Here is a link that might be useful: Susan and Tim

DH and I married pretty late (2nd marriage for both of us). Like Amy, there is a big difference in our ages and we have no hope of growing old together. We have been married for 14 years and are enjoying every day in each other's company! I am blessed!