Invited out to dinner.who pays?

13 years ago

My girlfriend (just friends) invited me to lunch.When the bill came she told me to pay the tip.I thought when you were invited out it was just that.The whole bill should have been on her.Tell me were I went wrong.

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Comments (69)

chessey24
13 years ago
I assume that I will pay for my lunch unless something very specific is said to indicate otherwise. Asking a friend she'd like to get together for lunch is not saying that I'll be treating.
monica_pa Grieves
13 years ago
Maybe it's a regional thing...but around here, if we invite someone to lunch at a restaurant, we pay for entire bill.

Besides, I know very few people who use cash anymore.
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jennmonkey
13 years ago
My friends and I ask each other all the time if we want to get lunch, dinner, drinks, etc. I would never assume they were paying. Once in awhile, if we say we want to "treat" each other, that's different, you can expect one person or the other to pay.

Of course you can stay home and eat peanut butter if you'd prefer that and saving the money to the company of a friend. I would gladly pay half to spend the time out having fun with someone. If my friends and I waited around for someone to ask us to a meal or drink and expect one person to pay for the whole thing, we'd never see each other.

I think that people go out with friends for meals, drinks, etc. much more these days and it isn't such an "occasion". It's more casual and everyone usually expects to pay for themselves.
Alice_sj
13 years ago
Well put, Jennmonkey! I agree completely.
goldy
Original Author
13 years ago
My friend said "Goldy I'm takeing you out to lunch".If I have to pay my share than she did not take me out to lunch.I may be old but I'm not nuts.If I have to pay for your friendship than We need to look for new friends.
jennmonkey
13 years ago
Ah, well if she said she was "taking you out" to lunch, then I would expect she would pay too!
azzalea
13 years ago
Okay--if those were her specific words, then yes, she did invite you to lunch. And I would expect her to pick up the check.

But where I live, the guest ALWAYS at least offers to put down the tip. It's like accepting a ride from someone in their car--the passenger ALWAYS pay the tolls (and usually buys lunch) as a thank you for the other person doing the driving and using their gas. The guest putting down the tip is a standard practice around here--perhaps it's not in your area?
ruthieg__tx
13 years ago
Well I'm old too and I agree with everyone else...Unless I was told my friend was treating me, I would assume I was paying and I would be happy to do so...Wondering why you consider that paying for her friendship....

The funny thing to me is that if this was two men, there wouldn't be any question at all..They would each be prepared to pay their own way only with women would there be a question...
marie_ndcal
13 years ago
The way I read it she is more of an acquaintance not a real special friend. Since I am always prepared to pay my own way, I appreciate when someone pays and many times I will either get the tip, or ask if they want to get the tip. Depends on the relationship. In your case I would just pay the tip and next time clarify the situation before you go. If they get offended,--oh well!! Sometimes that is just the way us old folks are.
LuAnn_in_PA
13 years ago
"If I have to pay for your friendship than We need to look for new friends."

Leaving a tip means paying for friendship (after this friend paid for your entire meal)?
Not in my circles....
nyboy
13 years ago
wow I bet you don't get many invites!!! Sure the tip was no where near price of meal.
User
13 years ago
My thoughts exactly..You're complaining about leaving a tip after a friend pays for your meal?
suzieque
13 years ago
>> If I have to pay my share than she did not take me out to lunch

But you didn't. You paid the tip. What was that - 10%? 20%? 15%? I hope you thanked her. You just might not get asked out to lunch again, but you have indicated that that is ok with you unless it's free.
Chi
13 years ago
Did you maybe offer to chip in, expecting she would refuse since she invited you, and she said you could get the tip?
carol_in_california
13 years ago
It sounds nit picky to me......sorry.
Staying home alone seems to suit you better.
suzieque
13 years ago
Goody, just so you know, I do understand your point. Yes, it would have been most gracious, given the way she made the gesture, if she had paid the tip, too. I get it.

But I think it is your comments about it here that are offensive and garnering some of the responses you are getting. Certainly that's why I have responded as I have. You have indicated that a free peanut butter sandwich is better than social time with a friend if you have to pay a few bucks, and some other not so nice things.

Yes, times have changed. Ideal would have been if it were entirely on her. But it is not uncommon for the "invitee" to pay the tip. But, goldy, at least from that standpoint (NOT the rest) I know what you are saying.

DID you thank her? Would you consider mentioning this to her to clear the air (non-confrontationally, of course)?
moonie_57 (8 NC)
13 years ago
Sorry Goldy, I'm sure you did not mean to come across as unappreciative
rhizo_1 (North AL) zone 7
13 years ago
No matter how the invitation was worded, I would have offered to split the bill or "please...let me get the tip ". Always bring cash for that contingency.

And if a friend insists on making it a total treat, thank her and say the next time will be your treat. That's how my gal pals and I usually handle it. It feels like a treat either way.

At least, that's how I feel.
goldy
Original Author
13 years ago
Beat me to death.Next week I am going to invite my whole complex out to dinner.Guess who will pick up the tab?If that goes over well I will invite my senior group out to dinner,then Iwill invite my church group out to dinner too.If I just have to pay my share I could go out to lunch every other day in the year and never be lonly.When you ask someone out it is a treat for that person the bill is on you.
kathleen44
13 years ago
I agree would rather spend money and able to go and spend a great time and visit with friend then eat peanut butter sandwich alone constantly. Sad that is.

My friend and I bounce around as many times I don't have money due to my life and the crap going on in it and so I pay when I can for myself or both of us. I pay a good tip too. And it works so well for both of us and so that way we can go out no matter what. And we don't worry about the money or who pays or pays the tips, we just enjoy each others company for that time out. We don't see other much and so it means alot to go out when she emails me and says how about such and such a date or when are you free, and we work out a date and day to go out for lunches.

I can eat alone anytime but to have that chance to go out friend, I take it and well tell her, no money and she said that is okay and then I say have money and its my treat, I tell her well ahead of time and also remind her again when we go to restaurant we decided on and again when the cheque comes, its mine or I tell the waitress its mine to pay.

And if she offers to pay the tip, that is fine or I'll pay for it all or she pays it all when she pays.

We don't judge each other or say, she made me pay the tip, boo, hoo, or doesn't invite mean paying for it all.

No, it doesn't necessarily mean that, as someone said they may mean only come out with me or us if there is a group.

If there is a group, I don't like that as I find that there will be ones that drink and then desserts and they want expensive meal and to split is not fair have found. and noticed too they pay so little for all they got to have while some of us would order cheaper and no drinks or dessert as those are the expense to the bill.

I do carry cash on hand but my friend most of the time carries her debit card to use and so if she takes the bill, I will then pay her in cash and then she pays the whole thing with her debit card then.

But don't put someone on the spot if you automatically think they are paying for it all unless its arranged between the two of you.

So, you can stay home all you want.
workoutlady
13 years ago
Goldy, I do think it may be an age thing. My mother in law is probably about your age and she invited me and my daughter to lunch one day. I did not expect her to pay the bill or the tip, but she was insistent that she pay it all. It was for the same reason that you said, she invited us so she would pay it. If I would have been with my friends, it would have been assumed that I would get at least the tip. Normally though, we get our own bills.

By the way, I did give in to my mother in law. She was very hurt that I would suggest that I pay my share.
golfergrrl
13 years ago
I'm afraid to ask how much of a tip you left.
One always offers to pay the tip when someone else
is buying. It's just done.
ILoveRed
13 years ago
My mom is 85 and when we get together I always get the bill for meals. I can afford it and after all...she is my mom. She always wanted to get the tip. So, even though she is near your age...she thinks she should get the tip if the other person is paying.

The problem is that she tends to think so conservatively that it can be embarrassing. She left 3 dollars on the table once for a 40 dollar meal tab.

She is a wonderfully generous person but very conservative. I didn't let her get the tip after that.

Goldie--I'm sure you are a lovely person too. Ask your friend to lunch, pay the tab and ask her to get the tip. Then you're "even" and you get to go to lunch again.

Just make sure that you are both leaving a good tip as the others have suggested. Less than 10% as my mom does is just too little.
joann23456
13 years ago
Goldy, now that you clarified that your friend said, "Goldy, I'm taking you out to lunch!" I agree with you - I would have expected my friend to pay for everything, though I would have offered to pay for the tip.

I assumed that you meant something more like, "Do you want to go to Donati's for lunch tomorrow?" in which case I would have assumed we'd each pay our own way.
colleenoz
13 years ago
>>If I have to pay for your friendship than We need to look for new friends.Since she paid for your lunch, does that mean you feel she is paying for _your_ friendship? Maybe now she feels the same way you do.
linda_in_iowa
13 years ago
When I go to lunch with friends we ask for separate checks. When a friend asks if I want to go to lunch or dinner, I always assume I will pay my own bill.
YogaLady1948
13 years ago
Goldy, this is how I measure the importance of things~~at the end of the year is it really going to matter that you had to pay the tip to go out with 'just a friend'?? This is nothing, it does not matter~~do not go again~~don't make it a big deal.
paula_pa
13 years ago
I think what you experienced was shorthand - usually when you offer to pay for lunch, unless it's a birthday or a special occasion, the other person fights it, so you compromise and say, well you just pay the tip. That seems to make a lot of people feel better LOL.

I hate when people debate what is right and what is wrong socially. What was your friend's intent? Is it possible my theory is right - that she thought she was doing you a favor by paying for your lunch and she let you pay the tip to give you the sense of contribution that some people require in this situation (but obviously not everyone)?

Here is the important question, the one I like to ask everytime someone posts a question like this, Was your friend trying to hurt your feelings, offend you or burden you in any way? Did she have a negative intent? If the answer to that is no, let it go. If the answer to that is yes, why is she your friend? Do the benefits outweigh the slight? Then deal with it. If not, don't associate with them anymore.
maire_cate
13 years ago
Paula - Well Said!

I hope I can remember your questions the next time a social question arises.
dances_in_garden
13 years ago
Another one who always assumes I will be paying my own way, including leaving my own tip. I have my own tipping method and like to decide how much I will leave.

My MIL will often offer to get the tip or tell us she will pay and we can just leave a tip. But she rarely leaves enough (95.00 dinner bill and she leaves a single dollar) and won't tell us how much the bill is, she'll just say "Put down a 5 dollar bill". Um, no. If I am leaving the tip, tell me how much the bill was and let me decide thank you LOL.

I am more likely to offer to pay when going out with a friend, tip and all. But I am also likely to leave my own tip, even if the bill and tip is paid by somebody else.

So in other words, I am no help at all. But if you really did not want to pay the tip, you should have said something. Because I think whether it was right/wrong/otherwise, now you won't think the same way about that person. You could have even said "Yikes, I didn't bring any cash, since you were bringing me out to lunch". So you don't have to pay the tip, and conveys your playing rules to the person you are with...'if you invite me, then I expect you to pay the whole bill, If I invite you then I pay the whole bill'.

Dances.
jae_tn2
13 years ago
I have to think that your life must be rather empty if this has upset you as much as it seems! Sorry, but leaving a tip after someone bought my lunch would be easy to offer. How much of being a friend, worthy of taking to lunch, do you think she would believe you to be if she only knew how upset you are? And the way you have made her out to be such a mannerless friend to you.......after she paid for your lunch! I'm curious how you ordered your meal. Did you give any thought to what the price was of what you were allowing her to buy? You seem to be evaluating you friendship by a tip so should she have cause to evaluate you as a friend based on the price of your lunch choice....maybe you ordered something way more expensive than she thought when she offered to treat, thus decided to let you leave the tip?
If I live 20 more years and have a friend, not even one to take me to lunch, I hope I can be a better friend than it sounds like you are being in return.
lisa_fla
13 years ago
I am 50=I rarely go out to lunch with friends, but when I do we each pay our own share. I would feel weird about having someone 'treat'. A friend who moved not too far away wrote on her xmas card' call me so we can have lunch'-that is pretty simple-we each pay our own way in that scenario. I think Goldy is just from a different generation-years ago it was that way-if someone invited you-they were 'treating'-that word isn't used much anymore. Another thought-she is 85-someone took her to lunch-she assumed they were 'treating' and she would have rather not spent have those funds on a meal out-money could be tight and it was an unexpected surprise.

This type of scenario comes up when the kids are invited somewhere with one of their friends families-I never know if they are paying so I send the kids with money (they are teens). I 'treat' if I take someone's child somewhere with us, but not everyone does.
suzieque
13 years ago
Lisa, goldy came back and said what the "friend" said - it certainly was an invitation. But - I concur with the rest of whaat you said.
goldy
Original Author
13 years ago
All I did was ask a simple question.Who pays when you are "invited" out.They or me.I get chewed out from alot of angry people for no reason.If you don't know you ask.So the next time I'm ask to go out for lunch it will be on me and not the person who invites.So someone who hates me will take meto lunch at the waldorf and I will end up paying the bill.
LuAnn_in_PA
13 years ago
"So someone who hates me will take meto lunch at the waldorf and I will end up paying the bill."

That makes absolutely no sense... zero.
rob333 (zone 7b)
13 years ago
Sticking her with the astronomical waldorf bill would be mean to her, wouldn't it? Made total sense to me.
lefleur1
13 years ago
Actually, I read the comment with a smile on my face ~ maybe goldy DID mean it in a *mean* way; ~ but if *I* had been the one saying it, I would have been trying to be cute & humorous!

maybe I just don't know goldy ??? (being pretty new to the forum)
Kathsgrdn
13 years ago
Most people nowadays pay their own way, like others said above. When I've treated friends to lunch in the recent past they usually insist on paying the tip. When my daughter was dating her boyfriend and they went out to eat, guess who got to pay for her share-ME!

I'm 50 and I think it's weird that he was a little older, working (she's not) and she still had to pay for half of their dates.
golfergrrl
13 years ago
Goldy, as you can see, there is no definitive
answer to your query. Nobody here heard the
exact wording. Even with the exact wording, there
are numerous ways to interpret intent.
Then there are various options regarding
what to do. You asked a question. You got
answers. I see it as a prime example of
"pick your battles".
marygailv
13 years ago
I'm 83 and I wouldn't be insulted at all to be asked to pay the tip - and I hope it was 15%, although I usually leave 20%.
marie_ndcal
13 years ago
Another thought to Goldy, when people respond, try not to take the entire thought personally. I don't and I am only 80 years old. I use to, but now I don't. I just evaluate what a person is saying, and try to imagine what tone of voice they might be using. You should realize that with conditions, both financial and social, in this world, we have to look at things different that years ago. We have traveled all over the US and my hubby and his brother traveled all over the world and people are just different. I love meeting and talking to people as I love to see all the different customs both here in the US and Canada. To anyone asking advice, be prepared for the best and the controversially part. That is what makes this and any forum fun.
suzieque
13 years ago
Goldy, you asked for answers and opinions and as a result of them are pretty much telling us to shove it. Personally, I think you are taking the whole thing, including this thread, to an enormously angry level. You "appear" furious and especially indignant.

I suggest that you have completely missed the point that you have a friend who wanted to do something special for you (how about applauding her for paying for the meal?), wanted to spend time with you (only you at this point can answer why), and thought that she was extending a kindness. Instead, you have internalized it and made it a very negative and destructive thing. What a shame. All because you ended up paying some percentage of the cost.

As I said earlier, I completely understand your point. Even if it were decided that she is totally in the wrong or has no idea of what is right, so what? That wouldn't take away her gesture or feeling of friendship for you. Try to let it go and look at the positive. This way of looking at things and at friends is awful, in my opinion. But then, you'd rather have a peanut butter sandwhich alone.
sleeperblues
13 years ago
The way Goldy phrased her question "Why should I be invited out and than have to pay too" leads me to believe that going out is a chore she would rather not do. I get that--she's 83 and probably not that mobile. I think people are just taken aback at the simmering anger behind the words, but it might just be us inferring something that is not there. Who knows, I certainly don't. And as with a lot of seniors, money could be a huge issue and every penny needs to be accounted for.
redcurls
13 years ago
Have YOU ever invited your friend to lunch? Did YOU pay it all?
susie53_gw
13 years ago
This is the very reason so many wonderful people have left this forum and have never came back. Ask a simply question and you get drug through the mud. I didn't know we had so many mindreaders here..
YogaLady1948
13 years ago
Susie53~~~I am hitting the 'Like' button~~~you are right.
golfergrrl
13 years ago
OP says: "Tell me where I went wrong."
So, some did.
Susie, do you expect 50 posts saying:
"You are absolutely right...you should not
have been asked to pay the tip."
Not likely.
azzalea
13 years ago
I have to say, I don't think most of the answers were snarky--sure a few were. But most of us were just giving our views, based on our experiences, in the areas where we live. And based upon our own ethics.

All those things are variables--you cannot ask an ethics question and get 100% agreement with YOUR point of view. It's not possible. Right and wrong--when it comes to social niceties--are very much in the eye of the beholder.

If you are in your 80's--you MUST remember back to when debating was actually considered a legitimate, organized competition, with rules, etc. That's kind of what a lot of us here do--we debate issues but in an informal way. Most of us (I don't think) don't take the questions and answers personally, but just as conversation starters.

No point of view is valueless--you're entitled to yours, we're entitled to ours. I think the real benefit is in where someone can't understand why someone else did something--and some of us can offer our rationale. In this case--many of us, as you can see from the replies--are accustomed to paying the tip IF someone does treat us to lunch (although we don't expect to be treated). That may be the custom your friend was raised with. Or not. Who knows. But it may help explain the point of view, right?
amyfiddler
13 years ago
I think it is socially awkward to turn to a person at the end of the meal and actually tell them to pay for something.

Since none of us were there, there's no way to know if it was a suggestion, "I've got this, you wanna get the tip?" (not so horrible)
....or if it was a demand. "I'm paying for lunch. you pay the tip." (yuck.)

For the record, when I go to lunch I bring enough to pay for both people and the tip, just to avoid awkward situations. I grew up learning to "fight" over the bill by watching my grandmother...regardless who invited who.
User
13 years ago
I agree, it's weird for someone to insist that the person they are "treating" should pay the tip. That said, whenever hub or I or both of us have been invited out, we always insist on leaving the tip. And so do most of those we've invited out.

Invited out to dinner.who pays?

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