I started this thread so many times and cancelled...

10 years ago

I saw my previous thread asking for updates and it broke my heart even more than it already is...I knew you'd all be looking for me yesterday. :(

((Please note, I deleted my original response. ))

I'm so heartbroken and re-reading it every time I see an update from you all kills me more inside.

If anyone wants the original and raw reply I posted here last night, I can email you a copy I kept.

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart, with all of your heartfelt sorrow, first-hand experience, and genuine sadness and prayers for us.

We will get through this somehow, someway. IDK how much I can post in the near future but I will still be around even if it's just lurking.

Thank you, sincerely, to all of you (every single one of you, I read all of our replies to my DH to show him how much we are loved, even if it's just via the internet). Your kindness and support mean more to us than you will ever know. But please know, it doesn't take away the sadness of the aunties I was supposed to make you all, even if it was only via the internet.

I don't know what the future holds, our wounds and sadness are far too raw. But I'm sure I will depend on you all more than you all will ever know.

And please note, I didn't delete my threads from last night until I was sure that mboston read my replies. I'm so heart-touched that she (and you all) did truly mark your calendars for us and wanted to know how we are doing. I guess I'd be selfish again to wish you'd all pray for us in December when the baby's due date will really hit home for us. I will have to find a way to celebrate his/her internal life in some way, I just haven't made it that far yet.

Thank you all for being here, I can't thank you all enough. xoxo

This post was edited by emeraldisle624 on Sat, Aug 2, 14 at 18:26

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Comments (87)

joaniepoanie
10 years ago
Emerald........You are not a failure and you did not let anyone down. My heart goes out to you and your husband. Surround yourself with those who will love and support you through this. And know the GW community is here for you as well so post when you need to. Take good care of yourself mentally, physically and emotionally.
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CaroleOH
10 years ago
I'm so sorry. There are no words that can make the hurt and sadness go away. Hopefully over time it will get easier. You can always come talk to us here at GW. We will always support you and encourage you and care.

Hugs to you and DH.
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fourkids4us
10 years ago
Though my situation was nothing like your own, I too lost a baby with a "missed miscarriage" though mine was much earlier in the pregnancy. Having been through that, I know there are no words to ease your pain, but we are all praying for you, so I hope that is of some comfort to you.

I wish there was more that I could do than say a mere "I'm sorry" - I hope that being able to share your journey here with strangers has helped and will continue to help you as you grieve your loss.
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mboston_gw
10 years ago
Oh my, I was the one that now regretably (sp?) bumped up the thread. As others have said, my heart just aches with you. I agree with mmomof2, you both are grieving and probably in different ways and at different times.

I, like others, had 2 miscarriages and one of them was similiar in that I continued to show positive pregnancy tests when there wasn't a reason for it. I went a month thinking I was still pregnant when I wasn't.

My DIL and son lost a child at 27 weeks and she had to deliver her. The pain I watched them go through was so much more than I had to deal with and I felt helpless to help them. What I remember telling them was that they each would grieve in their own way but they also needed to grieve together. Men tend to want to be strong for their wives and sometimes in doing so, give the impression that they aren't suffering themselves.

Find someone to give you a shoulder to lean on, just to sit with you and hold your hand, giving you the permission to do what you need to deal with this. There are no easy answers, no point at which you should "be over it", and certainly no fault to be placed.

We are all still here for you, you probably know by now that you can email through this site and many of us have offered you that option. Sending you and hubs a big hug and continued prayers.

Mary
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Bethpen
10 years ago
Emerald, much love and strength to you. I'm so very sorry.
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Faron79
10 years ago
As a Guy here...

I am grieving too... for ALL of you. I'm not all that religious, but I DO believe God had a purpose for that little soul. No life is without a purpose. I'd like to think we'll all find out....someday!

Until then, honor this little one now in God's hands by being just who you are....strong, loving people, who aren't afraid to...TRY.

Love from Fargo,
Faron
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caminnc
10 years ago
My heart breaks for you Emerald. Just know that I think you are so brave for giving it a go. My prayers are with you as always. We all love you here so please keep posting. (((((Hugs)))))
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cyn427 (z. 7, N. VA)
10 years ago
Oh, emerald, I didn't see your original post, but I do want to add my condolences to everyone else's. Heartbreaking does not begin to describe the loss of a child and no words can really soothe you at this point. However, please know that I am so sorry for your loss. You and your husband will be in my thoughts as I wish you healing and hope.
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donnamp14
10 years ago
Oh, Emerald. I am so terribly sorry. Just so terribly sorry. Try to draw strength from all of us here. We are thinking of you and praying for you and your husband.

Love, hugs and prayers,
Donna
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beaglesdoitbetter1
10 years ago
I did not see your original post.
I don't know what to say. I am so sorry.
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jlj48
10 years ago
I'm so sorry. I understand your pain. I lost my baby boy at 23 weeks along. NO ONE said anything right to me. No one could. I was so hurt and lost. I grieved my loss of him, the loss of being pregnant, the loss of our future with him, our families lost time with him, ect. I was so angry and so sad. It took a long time to put it all in perspective. I went to counseling for a short while and took some antidepressants, just so I could function again. They really helped.
I know you are hurting. Just grieve together with your husband. Let some time go by and just feel what you are feeling. Go on this journey, don't fight it. You are supposed to hurt right now. It shows how very much you loved your baby. Love is sacrificial and a part of your heart went with your baby. You don't know what the future holds but your baby is with God. Please know that.
I will keep you in prayer.
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bluerdgddrs
10 years ago
I don't know what to say but that I'm so sorry for absolutely everything you have experienced. I hope you feel the genuine love that is coming from this forum. I think I can speak for everyone when I say this. Please feel free to email me if you need a stranger to talk to no matter what time of day or night. I too know what it's like not to have a "family" that you're close to which is especially tough at a time like this. Sorry again.
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texanjana
10 years ago
I am so sorry to you and your husband for this terrible loss. You are in my prayers.
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lovestowalk
10 years ago
Emerald~My heart is also breaking for you. I am so very sorry. I know there are no words to ease your pain and sadness, but I am sending love, prayers, and hugs.
Nancy
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jan_in_wisconsin
10 years ago
Emerald,

I am so very sorry for your loss. I have followed your updates through this process, and this is just heartbreaking. We all want you to know how much we care and are thinking of you. When you feel overcome with grief, it is okay to lean on others. Please seek out help and resources to support your journey through this loss.

My husband and I have experienced early pregnancy loss, infertility treatment and IVF failiures, and also two adoption failures in which we had to return precious baby girls we thought would be ours to birthparents who changed their minds, in one case, after having the baby with us for several months. The loss of a child, in any way, is particularly painful. The decision to stop infertility treatments also creates a huge sense of loss.

I thought I would never recover; that I could never experience joy again. Today, we are the parents of two adopted boys, now ages 20 and 13, and we have much for which to be thankful.

As others have mentioned, you and your husband may work through the grief differently, and that's okay. In my case, I suffered some symptoms of PTSD. Even after the adoption of one of our boys was final, I felt constantly on edge that I would lose him somehow. I had dreams, over and over, of losing him.

Still, despite the tragedies of these losses in our life, I have learned to accept what has happened and all of the suffering that went along with it. My husband and I are closer and stronger, and we definitely have more compassion for others after going through this ourselves.

You will find that some people around you are very helpful, while others seem distant and disconnected from your pain. In the midst of our loss, my grandmother wrote me a letter that I still treasure and read from time to time. The mother of 13 children, she lost two infants (one at birth and another to illness), and also an 18 year-old son in a tragic car accident. Her words comforted me so very much. Please reach out, and you will find people who will listen, love, and support you.

Whatever future path you choose, I promise that you will experience joy in your life again. Grief is a process, and it takes time, but our minds, bodies, and spirits are built for healing. May you find much comfort in the outpouring here.
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ILoveRed
10 years ago
Jan...that was beautiful.

Emerald, my heart goes out to you.
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hilltop_gw
10 years ago
emeraldisle I am so sorry for your loss. I don't know what to say because I have not experienced such a loss. You have every right to feel the pain and sorrow because you lost a child. My only wish and prayer is that you hear the whisper of hope in your heart that brings you peace. Life can be such a difficult journey at times. ((Hugs))
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amj0517
10 years ago
Oh Emerald, it is NOT selfish to wish for prayers in December. You can count on prayers and good thoughts from me. Hugs!!
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merrygardener
10 years ago
Hugs and more hugs to you, Emerald. I would like to thank you for sharing this difficult series of life events and experiences. It has been both beautiful and heart-wrenching. It also has allowed us all to grow a bit, become more sensitive with others, and help to promote that "other web" of human connectedness. Please do know that your family is thought of with love and compassion; now and in the coming months.
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natesgram
10 years ago
I too did not want to open this thread because I knew from the title. Words can not explain how sorry I am. I hope knowing you are receiving good thoughts and prayers, can give you and your dear husband some comfort. My heart aches for your broken heart. Hugs.
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riosamba
10 years ago
Emerald, I am so deeply sorry for your loss.
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lynninnewmexico
10 years ago
I wish so much that I had words to take away some of the grief that you are feeling right now. I don't think there are any, but please know that you and your husband will be in my prayers.
I went through years of infertility myself, and still remember clearly that pain very well. Through all the failed treatments, all of the many, many heartbreaks, it was so hard not to just give up. I wanted so much to be a mom.
And then, as that door closed for me, a window of hope opened: adoption. Our adopted son will be thirty years old this month and he is the most wonderful son any mother could ever ask for. Our love for him was/is absolutely complete. He totally filled and healed our grieving hearts.
Ten years later I became pregnant for the first and only time with our DD. To say that this was a major surprise would be a huge understatement! I tell you this only to say, from someone who has been there and knows, there is absolutely not one speck of difference in the amount of love, affection and pride I feel for each of my children. My husband feels exactly the same way.
For whatever it's worth, it may be something to consider some day in the future. In the meantime, please know that we here truly care. God bless.
Lynn
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Bumblebeez SC Zone 7
10 years ago
Dear Emerald, I have seen this post from the first but couldn't reply. Not indifference, just that I have felt your pain so much. You are in my thoughts and prayers. God does indeed know your past, present and future. Trust Him.
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User
Original Author
10 years ago
Thank you ladies and Faron so much. I can't reply to your posts individually as I cry when I read them, esp. the ones with first-hand heartbreak. I never knew this type of pain could be felt for someone we never "met".

Your posts mean more to me than you will ever know. I (or DH) told half of our family so far. I have to do the ones that are left and I can't even initiate the conversation. I have no idea how to proceed. I will ask my grief counselor this week exactly what to say. (Is it awful that one of the people I can't tell is my own mother? The disappointment she will feel and show breaks my heart, I told my DH that we shouldn't have ever told her we were pregnant. I hate having regrets like this.)

I scrolled through my phone tonight looking for a recipe/picture and came upon the ultrasound pics I have. My DH was looking while I scrolled and I awkwardly stopped and stared at him like "what do we do?". I just ended up closing my phone out and changing the subject but the tension was so hard to cope with. I can't even describe it. We are closer than ever in our mourning but so silently separate while we try to figure this out. Is that as clear as mud?
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bluerdgddrs
10 years ago
Emerald,

It makes perfect sense that you and your husband are handling things different. Men like to "fix" things and right now your husband has no idea how to do that. Let him be vulnerable to you, as you are to him. Sometimes the person in the "caregiver" role has it more difficult than the actual one with the physical pain. They have to be strong when they too want to crumble.

Your mother will not be disappointed with you in the least. Your mother will be heartbroken that she cannot take this pain from you. Mom was probably hoping to do everything right with the baby that she did wrong with you.

Maybe that is the "blessing" in all of this sadness. Mother and child can become close again. Go to her, cry with her, let her hold you and take away any little bit of pain she can. Let her be your mother. I would bet my life that she wants nothing more.

Love and continued strength.
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blfenton
10 years ago
Keep those ultra sound pictures for now. I don't know if you have them downloaded off your phone or not but do so and then back them up. The baby existed and was going to be a person. You may never look at them again and yet you may. Preserve that opportunity to do so.

I continue to keep you in my thoughts.
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anele_gw
10 years ago
Emerald, there are no words worthy of conveying the sadness and loss I feel for you and your family.

As Roarah says, you are a mother. We are aunties, and Faron an uncle, of your precious little one. How special your child is, to have touched us all--thousands of miles apart.

Your child is forever a part of you, forever a part of the world. Never let anyone tell you to move on or "get over" your child--your child is forever. Forever loved.
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melsouth
10 years ago
I'm so very sorry.
You and your DH are still on a path that hasn't reached its end.
Best wishes to you both for strength and peace.
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golddust
10 years ago
Adoption is an option.
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graywings123
10 years ago
As soon as I saw the title of this thread, I knew. I am so, so sorry for your loss. Go easy on yourself, be kind to yourself. You and your husband will find your way.
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funnygirl
10 years ago
I am so sorry for your loss, Emerald. I wish words were enough to ease your pain but hope some solace can be had from knowing you and DH are in our thoughts and prayers.
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nancybee_2010
10 years ago
anele's post at 23:17 brought tears to my eyes. I would like to "second that", if I could.

Thinking of you, emerald, and sending hugs across the miles.
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User
10 years ago
My heart in broken for you. I know the pain, and know there are no words, but please know I am holding you both in my heart and praying for you. The pain never completely goes away. God bless you both.
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lascatx
10 years ago
I am so, so sorry. I too wish I had words or wishes or prayers that could take away your pain.

I don't come over to the conversations side very often. I only recently saw an earlier post and was so happy for you, so I truly share your sorrow too. I can't say I have been there, but my mother was. She had several miscarriages and I heard brief stories about one -- I think it was the first. She took DES to have my brother and me, and when studies started showing problems in the DES babies who were trying to have babies of their own, I wondered if I ever would have my own children. I watched my college roommate and her husband go through a long bout of fertility treatments and then she missed my wedding because she had a miscarriage. I don't know your pain, but I feel so close to it that I can barely type myself.

I don't know what you posted on Friday, but I'm glad you found the strength to reach out. I hope you and your DH can work your way through this together and support each other, but don't hesitate to reach out to others as needed for additional support.

My birthday is in December -- as was my dear mother's. I will be thinking of you then as now. ((((( )))))
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Elraes Miller
10 years ago
Emerald, I hesitated to post. Knew from the title on day one what I was going to see. I am in the grieving process now for the loss of my youngest son. There doesn't seem to be a moment his life isn't visually and emotionally felt. It can be physically and emotionally exhausting each day. Our grief is different, but I know it honors their lives and will always continue to do so.

My heart goes out to you. Am so deeply sorry you are going through your loss and the heart break can be powerful. No one can feel this personally as you and your husband are.

And to all who have posted....what a wonderful group of people. Your posts say so much about each of you and the heartfelt replies go beyond the norm.
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bluerdgddrs
10 years ago
Technicolor-

Please know that you are also in our thoughts and prayers during your time of need.

May both of you find the strength to carry on.
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ILoveRed
10 years ago
Technicolor---my heart goes out to you. I am so sorry.
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User
Original Author
10 years ago
Thank you again, everyone. Your support and words here have warmed my heart. It's been a long couple of weeks and I keep thinking this is all a bad dream. Your posts have all made me cry every time I read them, I am so blessed to have you all here.

I'm so sorry, Technicolor. (( hugs )) My family lost my sister at 18 years old in a tragic accident and my parents were never the same. None of us were the same actually but it was worst for my parents having to bury their daughter. I can't imagine the pain you are going through, will keep you in my closest thoughts and prayers.
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springroz
10 years ago
Both of you are in my prayers. I was so sorry to see this.
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mitchdesj
10 years ago
tech, I'm so sorry about your loss also, I wish you strength to get through it.

and you too Emerald, it must be so hard.
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2ajsmama
10 years ago
Emerald - I am so so sorry for your loss. Words cannot express it. You did your best, you gave your baby everything you could give, it wasn't your fault and you didn't let anyone down. I know your mother will be disappointed, but mostly she'll be worried about you. Your DH is grieving, but I'm sure his main concern is you too. Please take and give comfort to each other. Although both of you will experience this in your own way, you are stronger together than separate. And we are here for you too. It does get better. I had been wondering but this week has been hectic (esp. today) and I just saw the thread now.

Tech - I can only imagine your pain. I have been "lucky" to have only lost my children before they were born. DH's brother and SIL were not so lucky - they lost a teenage son. I didn't know what to say to them and I don't know what to say to you except the same things I said to Emerald.

(((((HUGS)))) to you both
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peytonroad
10 years ago
You know, miscarriages are a strange thing-so intensely personal! I was going to post here 3 years ago that "I am 44 and pregnant!" and never got around to it. I lost that baby girl at 14 weeks and she was perfect. It was sooo difficult that day, I passed her here at home all alone. It was awful, and it is awful that you too have experienced this loss. NO one really knows how to talk about it, at least that was my experience. Everyone expects you to get over it soon. NO ONE gets it they way YOU DID. I am sorry for your loss, just know that your baby (and mine)was loved and had a purpose, and one day you will understand the whole experience was a blessing. Don't stay bitter, relieve the intimate experience of carrying your baby, albeit a short while. YOU will be able to face the day again without tears. I promise, it just takes a little time. Take care.
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DLM2000-GW
10 years ago
((technicolor)) I'm so sorry for the loss of your son. I can't imagine how your days pass with his absence so acute right now. Beyond that, anything else I can say seems hollow, but please know you will be in my thoughts.
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User
10 years ago
. . . A few years back when there was posting regarding my pregnancy I didn't realize until later how insensitive some of the things I said were. I just didn't use my head and I've been wanting to say for a long time that I'm sincerely sorry if I offended anyone with those posts.

Technicolor - I'm so sorry for the loss of your son. Saying a prayer for you and your family.

Peyton - I'm so sorry.

This post was edited by sheesharee on Thu, Aug 7, 14 at 1:28
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outsideplaying_gw
10 years ago
Technicolor, sending warm thoughts your way for strength and peace during the tough times. So very sorry for the loss of your son.

Peytonroad, same to you in the loss of your baby girl. I'm sure you relive those moments many times. It's different, yet the same.

SS - I don't remember as I probably wasn't 'here' then, but emotions can sometimes get the best of us.

Emerald, continuing to think often of you and your DH and hope you are finding strength & power together.
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peytonroad
10 years ago
Thank you for the kind words people!

Emerald, how are you? Did I tell you I planted a bush and get the fuzzies now when I see it growing each season? I would recommend that for you but you will discover your own way to cope. Thinking of you.
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sc_irish
10 years ago
Emerald: Words don't work at a time like this......but prayers do! And in that vein, prayers are flooding your way. You WILL find the right words to talk with your mother. You WILL find the right words to console your husband. You have already found the right words to convey to us. You ARE stronger than you think you are. You ARE a mother! ~ We grieve with you and for you.

I think this entire experience which you have been so gracious to share with us has brought out the goodness and grace in both you and us......and for that we can all celebrate. You are closer to us than possibly any other poster. You have touched our hearts and souls and brought out the best in all of us. How we conduct our lives from here on out will speak volumes to this experience. Thank you for allowing us to be enlightened in and through your journey.

My heart is heavy in your loss. God will continue to guide and be good to you. We are here for you in more way than you have yet to discover.
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Elraes Miller
10 years ago
My apologies for intruding on the post. I just felt so warm with the wonderful people who cared so much and to know there are so many kind posters on our site. My gratitude to all of you.
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beekeeperswife
10 years ago
Emerald, I only check the conversations side to check in on YOU.

My heart is heavy with this news tonight. I truly hope you know that all these wonderful friends you have never met are thinking and praying for you. There are no words that can take away your pain, but hopefully knowing we are with you in spirit will help.

I hope you have shared this with your mom by now. She will not think you have let her down. As a mom of adult children, I would want to know as soon as possible so I could help in anyway possible. You are her baby, and she needs to comfort you.

God bless you and your husband. I will continue to keep you in my thoughts.

Bee
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cyn427 (z. 7, N. VA)
10 years ago
Technicolor, I just read your post. I cannot imagine your grief. I am so sorry and will keep you in my thoughts right next to emerald.
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I started this thread so many times and cancelled...

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