Certainly, ML. My DH could easily send out the invitation. I should stress that while it is my birthday, it will be more happy hour than birthday party. (My friends will get it ... this is how we roll. ;-))

Evite wording:

Please join us as we celebrate [Sunny's] BIG 5-0 with a happy hour at [Club Name)!

[Club website]

Snacks, birthday cake, non-alcoholic drinks will be served. Cash bar available.

ABSOLUTELY NO GIFTS - BUT, if you are so inclined, please bring an article of gently used clothing to be donated to the Presbyterian Night Shelter.

I think that is fine! Those who are offended don't have to go :-)
Most people just want to have a good time with friends and don't mind paying for themselves to have what they want. Your closest friends might even buy you a drink.

Thank you, Bumblebeez! :-)

OK, plans have morphed: Appetizers, birthday cake, pitchers of sangria, soft drinks, cash bar, DJ.

Evite to be sent under my husband's name.

Still planning to suggest a clothing donation to the night shelter. This is a very worthy cause that many of my friends are already familiar with.

For some reason, I thought this was going to be for just your women friends.
I like your last idea. These are your friends and they know your style!
Congrats on your 50th!

I was going to suggest that you provide wine and/or beer, with cash bar available. But sangria works great too. Have a great party!

I can see both sides of the 'argument' -- to me, if you call it a 'party' I don't expect to have to pay for my own food or drink. Also when you originally explained it, it sounded like you might not even be providing any food. I'm not trying to be mean, but at least in my area, that would be seen as 'cheap' and maybe tacky. But I think the way you worded it on your invitation makes total sense. And now that you've added pitchers of sangria, I think that's perfect.

Maybe it's a regional thing. But if I were inviting friends to a club or restaurant and calling it a birthday party, I would assume that I'd be footing the bill. And in fact, I did just that last year around this time for DH's birthday. On the other hand, another friend just had his 50th at a bar -- they rented out the whole place (it's small) for the night -- and no food was provided, and there was a particular beer on tap that was 'free' but if you wanted anything else, you had to pay for it yourself. Oh, they did have a cake, though. I was actually surprised in that case because the invitations did NOT say anything about a cash bar.

I have no problem with asking friends to bring a clothing donation, as long as it's optional. We had a holiday party once and asked everyone to bring canned goods for our local food pantry, and pretty much everyone brought a few things and thought it was a great idea.

Happy birthday!!

As far as a special event...can't think of anything that would include DH (my first thought was 'spa day' -- well, I guess some guys might be into that) but will think about it. Or how about buying a piece of art? Make a day out of gallery hopping, lunch, etc.? Or an overnight at a swanky hotel with a fabulous dinner, room service breakfast, etc.?

Ms Manners would kick up her heels and have a FABULOUS time celebrating your 50th birthday. I think your invite is totally appropriate and speaks to the kind and considerate person you are! Have fun!

I just have to recount a funny story. A dear friend and I were invited to another friend's 50th. We were all college roommates at one time, although the Birthday Girl was not close to either of us.

My dear friend flew in from a distant state, and stayed at my house. On the appointed day, we showed up at the nice restaurant the Birthday Girl had selected, some distance from my house. Dishes had been previously selected, and appetizers were on the table. We were very impressed by the lovely venue and the spread. We selected our own beverages, but the rest just flowed from the kitchen, all selected by the Birthday Girl.

At the conclusion of the festivities, the Birthday Girl thanked us all for treating her to the lovely luncheon, and the guests (about 20 women) reached for their wallets. My dear friend and I were aghast! We laugh about it to this day--and gently decline all invitations to any parties "hosted" by our former roommate!

Not sure how this has been resolved in terms of what the hostess does and does not provide. Sounds like there will now be sangria, soft drinks, and some snacks and it is a cocktail party at a restaurant/night club. In my neck of the woods, this would be something that would probably raise a few eyebrows as a 50th birthday party, especially for a small group of good friends. Is it possible to do something at your home or someone else's home and perhaps delegate some cooking if a meal at a restaurant is out of the budget? There are other ways to do a more plentiful "spread" that don't have to cost a lot of money. Costco and BJs type stores have terrific things that can be bought in bulk for example. Of course this whole thing may be normal where you are and you know your friends and their attitudes better than anyone on the board. I guess to my way of thinking it is better to choose a form of hospitality that is within your means and still be generous with food and drink. My 50th is coming up too so I've had to deal with the same issue. In our case, we found a very modest trattoria type restaurant, very casual, and since it's a BYO we can supply wine and beer without making an extravagant bar tab. You can still go with good friends to the bar for a regular night out.

It sounds to me as if Jen's plans are perfect for her group of friends. She knows how they like to party, and this sounds like more fun than an affordable party at home. I still prefer the phrasing "no host bar" to "cash bar", because I think it sounds more "genteel". I personally would leave the donation thing out, but that's what I'd be comfortable with for myself and my friends. Jen is providing food and drink and good company, I don't think anything else is required to be a good hostess.

I think Ms. Manners would say don't invite friends to a party in your honor and expect them to pay for it.

That being said, it sounds like your friends are casual people and it is all going to work out--I hope you have a very Happy 50th Birthday.

I have never heard the term "no host bar" but that term doesn't negate the fact that the host is not willing to pick up the bar tab--which is not necessarily a bad thing, depending on the kinds of friends one has.

With the litigious society we have, it's not necessarily a bad thing not to pay for excessive alcohol consumption.

I say provide the drinks you want--soft drinks, wine, beer, and if someone wants hard liquor than can take care of that themselves.

But to specify "cash bar" on an invitation always makes me think people are cheap; I think it's better not to mention it.

Regardless of what you might want to think or hear, Sunnycottage, it isn't a party if you expect people to pay their own way. What you propose is that you are going to be at a bar on X night and you hope people decide to show up and spend time with you, but that isn't you, or your husband or anyone else 'hosting' a party.

One can phrase it any way or explain about how a group understands it any way you please...but it still isn't considered a polite or correct way to host a gathering. Sorry to be a stickler, but there just isn't any way around it.

And since I'm already the skunk at the picnic, you can't say anything about gifts/donations/etc either. It is rude because you are then assuming and expecting that people will bring gifts and that is not polite. Period.

It might help to substitute "wedding" for "birthday party" in the little item below. Here's a Q&A that covers it well:

*****
Question

My daughter's wedding will be small. The wedding reception will be held at a nearby hotel/restaurant. She and her fiance do not plan to pay their guests' costs. I don't know what to think. A quick survey at my office found people thinking it was odd, if not rude. If you think it is acceptable for guests to pay, how is that worded in an invitation?

Answer

Yikes! The simple rule is: you invite, you pay. It just may come across as: "Hey, come and witness our wedding and don't forget your wallets, because you are paying for the reception." And, sorry. There is no polite way to word this on an invitation. Please help your daughter understand how this will affect her guests and how it may be viewed.
*****

My daughter and her twenty something friends go out in a pub crawl for each others birthdays. It's a coed group but seems that the only birthdays ever celebrated are the women's. Everyone pays for their own drinks and chips in for the honoree's drinks. I don't think they do much eating :-) and they come and go in taxis. It's sort of a regular event in her set, because someone is always having a birthday. The birthday girl also gets to wear a tiara--- I think that's the part they like the best!

Make sure you get the tiara, SunnyCottage! (I just realized who you are, I am SLOW!)

I don't really have any opinion on anyone's plans, as presumably they wouldn't make them if their friends would be horrified by the proceedings. My SIL gives herself a birthday party every year at her own house, with wonderful wonderful food and drink, and EXPECTS everyone to bring her a present, which she sits and opens in front of everyone. I think that is a little weird and my mother thinks it is so strange she won't go, but it's the norm in SIL's cohort and they all really enjoy it..

We were invited to the 50th birthday of one of DHs colleagues. Very fancy invitation, held at a fab hotel in Bel Aire, live band, open bar, dinner, etc......cost, $50 per person. I wasn't sure when I looked at the invitation. In fact I almost called the hostess (his wife) to ask her if that was a TYPO. Heard from friends later that it was a great party, but no typo--- those people paid for it! I would rather be invited for hot dogs in a tent than that sort of shindig, where the guests pay for the band and entertainment--- that situation is much closer to runninginplace's scenario than the proposed happy hour gtg, IMO.

And that is all I know about grown up birthday parties. A few years DH had a big one and our kids were all away at schools and I surprised him with a long weekend in Paris..... We need to do that again :-)

Well -- I think that in this neck of the woods -- your Happiest of All Happy Birthday Hour & Samba sounds divine!

Best of all Good Wishes!!! -- I know for a fact that you will be the prettiest gal there! :)

Cheers!

I think the way you to plan to word the evite is fine.

In my neck of the woods, or at least in MY social circle, this would be just fine. It's close friends, it's casual and I would certainly not be offended.

Last year my daughters arranged a surprise party for me at a restaurant and they did have food, but a cash bar. They DID tell people I didn't want gifts, but people brought them anyway. From what I understand, most seemed to be a bit surprised that there was food, I think most figured they'd be buying their dinners with cake provided.

I wouldn't compare this event to a wedding...it sounds like it's going to be a blast. Have a glass of Sangria for me!!

Funny you mentioned hot air balloon...I was just looking in to it for us for a fun activity...shoot, we could go away to a B&B for a weekend for what the 3 hour event would cost! How about a couples massage? Or facials? That's really kind of fun, actually.

I think your invite sounds good! I wouldn't be offended. I know everyone is entitled to their opinions but I don't see what the big deal is. It's with a group of friends; people that you're close to and know you.

Honestly if it were me, I would've probably kept it casual and just talked or emailed them but an invite is kind of fun.

If I were coming to your party I wouldn't expect you to foot my bill and none of my friends would either. And it's not like you're asking them to do something crazy elaborate like fly to xyz and go here and there, etc. If it were something any of us felt was more than we wanted to spend, we'd all just be honest about whether we could or would follow through with the idea.

IMO, the example here doesn't compare to a wedding.

I hope you have a great 50th birthday!

I bet this is a regional thing. A friend's husband invited a large group to a fancy restaurant for her birthday; and everyone is still talking about the fact that we were all presented a bill at the end of the evening... in the Chicago area that's pretty much never done...(the wife didn't know he was planning on doing this and was mortified)

Just to clarify--the wedding analogy is used to illustrate inviting people and then expecting them to pay their own way. And, that is not considered polite. Doesn't mean you can't do it but it isn't good manners to invite people to a party and expect them to pay for their refreshments. There may be all kinds of folks doing all kinds of things these days, and it still doesn't make it acceptable etiquette.

I think you can leave the cash bar thing off the invite since you are spelling out what you will provide in there. Then it is clear what will be available and I would think any person can figure out if they want something else they can buy it.

As for the gift thing I would also not mention it, but if somebody asks you what you'd like then I would say what your wish is. I'm sure your friends will talk amongst themselves and the word will spread.

Ditto what Shee said. I don't consider this a "party" per se, and it wouldn't bother me a bit if one of my close friends sent me this type of invite. It also wouldn't bother me if you asked for donations to a cause/charity - I think that's great!

tina

Sorry but since when is it ok to expect people to pay their own way at a party? Doesn't it make more sense to say you want to go out to such & such club on your birthday & just meet & "surprise" them with whatever you're deciding to pay for?

I can't see where this is ok anywhere. I haven't thrown parties in 3 years since hubs cancer because we can't afford to host- period. No Bar-B-Q; no please bring a dish. I also think it's tacky to do at weddings. I went to one wedding like this & did not bring money except what was already in the gift envelope. Had I known I had to buy my own drinks; I would have adjusted their gift.. I don't really drink; but it's nice to be able to have 1 or 2 spread out over a few hours but not if I'm paying my own.

This is why weddings have gotten out of hand.. Back in my day we had so much money & rented a hall & provided everything that we could afford; not where can we go with this much money & let everyone else foot their part of the bill; yet the bride wears a wedding gown that could have paid for the drinks.

Thanks so much for your thoughts. Even those that I don't agree with, because they have helped me to understand that this surely must be a regional thing. I can't fathom anyone that I would invite to my get-together raising their eyebrows. That's just not the kind of people that I know. They will come and enjoy and not get their knickers in a twist because I'm not putting on a full-on feast.

I think I have decided to do away with my suggestion for a clothing donation though. I can just as easily make a donation quietly on my own - no need to throw that into the mix during happy hour!

Weddings and how they have gotten out of hand can be a whole OTHER thread.
Everyone has different circumstances and comfort levels. Sunny Cottage obviously has a group of friends who would find this type of entertaining acceptable.
At this point, she is providing an alcoholic beverage, snacks and cake. I think this is fine.
I do think that if she wants a clothing donation, that should be on the invite. It's a lovely thought and I think most would want to contribute.

Your question was "What would Ms. Manners do?" I can think of no Miss Manners who would approve of this. But, this doesn't seem to be what you are really asking. It appears that you want affirmation that what you are doing is just fine. It's not something that I would do but it sounds like many would.

I wonder if it is regional too. For most of my life, parties those I attend, have been almost all casual affairs where everyone contributes, maybe bringing a crock pot of something or a platter but I have gotten together with friends to celebrate birthdays for years and we all paid our own way.

The parties I give are usually church type of things where everyone is invited and those close to me will ask how they can help. I may or may not choose the help.
I guess everybody entertains differently.

You could do something modest but nice. There are some decent inexpensive sparkling wines that could do a stand in for champagne, like Domain Chandon at around $20; you can get five or six glasses out of a bottle. Add a simple cheese tray to central table and some balloons. When friends arrive they get a complimentary glass of champagne (sparkling wine). After that they are on their own (but the bubbly does get the party started). A little birthday bag for guests would be nice too, bake some large cookies and decorate with 50th, wrap nicely, add some birthday hats and tiaras. Depending on how many you invite you could do the whole thing for under $100.

I still ask; doesn't it make more sense to say you want to go out to such & such club on your birthday & just meet & "surprise" them with whatever you're deciding to pay for? Then it doesn't sound like you are hosting an event.

I've always declined invites to birthday bashes where I had to pay my own way. The only way I'd do it is if family only were getting together.

I also doubt Miss Manners would agree with this.

I actually like the clothing idea & would verbally tell them that you'd like to do this for your 50th.

Best not to 'half arse" it, IMO. You aren't throwing a party or hosting a get-together . Tossing in the cake and ai pitcher of drinks makes you look like a poor host, ykwim? You'd not serve such small fare at your home. Now, the plan is a good one , just needs a small tweak: Put DH and a close girlfriend on the job. Let THEM do the inviting by emailing all your friends. I've been to a few of these. The host ordered a variety of appetizers ( burger sliders, etc') ,and the birthday cake. Lots of fun. Hmmm, you might hate this idea, but might friends be excited to show up if they think it's a surprise ? Just a thought.

Oops. I missed the final plan adding aps. The only change I'd advise is in the manner of the invitation. An evite does give it the feel of a formal party Which someone is hosting, and the host could be perceived as cheap. Soooo, if it's from your DH and a friend via A simple email( with a p.s. " let me know if you'll be there") it's a casual non hosted event. I still like the idea of a surprise . :> ) Good that you ditched the donation request.

sunnycottage, I haven't read all the responses, gotta get out of the house pretty quick, but, I would put in the evite: Appetizers, cake and Sangria provided. I wouldn't mention a cash bar or no host bar, if you did add that, it sounds kinda "cheap" to me.

Your friends are going to be excited to be there and HAPPY to buy their own drinks!

and your friends may feel a little guilty they didn't plan the party for you! LOL!

I agree with you, Olliesmom. I'll leave out the reference to the bar completely. My friends know the venue - they know what's available there.

Perhaps I shouldn't have asked "What Would Ms. Manners Do?" in my subject line. You're right - I really don't care what she would do ... I was seeking thoughts on how to best phrase the invitation for the type of event that I am planning.

I'm a bit surprised that some of you seem to think this is such a terrible idea - that I'll appear cheap. We are all very low key people, so I have no qualms about proceeding as planned. I'm not going to pretend it's a surprise party, because it isn't. It is what it is (to quote a ridiculous but oft-appropriate phrase), and I know it will be alright by everyone or I wouldn't be doing it. We'll have fun eating birthday cake and drinking sangria and will probably end up dancing on a table or two. Maybe that sounds a bit redneck to some; to me, it sound like fun! ;-)

Thanks for the input!

gosh I just want to get my opinion in before the post closes: I think your idea is great and the evite wording spectacular. It's just what I might do next year.

BTW - you can send my evite by contacting me on My Page ;)

For the Happy Hour -- I understand that it's 'Miss Manners grade-appropriate' to say "A bunch of us will be getting together for Happy Hour at Marco's on Friday to celebrate Jen's 50th Birthday. Hope you can join us!" -- since that doesn't imply anyone is hosting and seems to be how your group rolls. The cake, appetizers and sangria then become more than promised instead of less than possibly expected. It's how things are done in my region as well (close to yours Sunny) and perfectly 'correct'...

On the used clothing idea -- A friend of mine recently hosted a great 'Clean your Closets' party that I'd like to suggest you consider. She strung up some clotheslines and set out some big folding tables, and invited all her girlfriends to clean out their closets and bring the stuff they no longer wore to her house for a 'swap then donate' party. All the attendees got 'dibs' on the items first, then everything else was donated to our local women's shelter.

It was a lot of fun, and only about 5% of the stuff - maybe even less - got re-homed. It felt SO GOOD to have cleaned-out closets that we all got pretty picky about what got admitted back in... (And I came home with some great stuff that I really wear.)

I'm suggesting a separate event because it really did take up a lot of space, and cleaning your closets is so much more satisfying than just digging out a single item.

Sweeby, I like your suggestion for the wording. I'm in a neighboring state and I'd "get it." Now that I think about it, I threw my dh a surprise party at a bar when he passed the Bar. lol. With just close friends, they knew I wasn't going to pick up a large tab, and everyone I invited showed up and stayed until closing! The bar also offered food and if the guests got hungry, they paid for their food.

I do think the article of clothing can be left out though. But that's just me. For some reason I've never liked, "In lieu of a gift, you can donate ABC to XYZ." Unless it was a funeral and flowers are going to be replaced for a charity. I find having to donate to be a bit impersonal.

I'd much rather buy a little gift for the recipient.

I really like the "Clean your Closet" party idea!
I think that it does work a lot better than a separate event.

Ooooh I like the "Clean your Closet" idea too! I've never heard of that. What a great idea and you could get a really nice amount to donate.

Impersonal to donate? You are helping someone who really has a need!

tina

IMO. this isn't too different from hosting a dinner party, and asking everyone to bring a 'dish to pass'. That isn't something *I* choose to do, but hey, different strokes for different folks. ;o)

That's called hosting a potluck! ;-)

I love the Closet Cleaning idea, but what do you do if at least one in your group is considerably larger than the rest? Wouldn't she feel excluded?

Yes, impersonal. And it will also put guests in a sticky situation. Some will still want to bring Jen a gift, and if they do, then those who only brought an old shirt will feel guilty for not bringing a gift. That's an age old problem with "In lieu of..." parties.

Patty, have you never been to a potluck before, or had one? They're not "dinner parties." Dinner parties are more of a semi-formal affair where everyone sits around a table. Potlucks are casual and people sit anywhere they want. Indoors, outdoors, wherever. And they serve themselves. They're a lot of fun!

When mr. sandyponder and I got married we were both 40, had good jobs, owned our own homes and had all the stuff we ever needed, so we sent the invitation, a map to the site and a card printed on heavy stock like the invite that said something to the effect of "We want your presence, not your presents**" in large print and at the bottom, in small print, it said "If you want to do something, please consider a donation to XXX charity or the charity of your choice in celebration of this momentous occasion!"

We received a few presents anyway, but lots of $$ went to a local non-profit that we both care deeply about. IMO making a donation instead of a gift is not impersonal in any way, shape or form, rather, making a charitable gift in someone's name is *highly* personal and an honor, regardless if it's a cash donation, a gently used item of clothing, an hour of volunteer time or anything in between.

sandyponder

Oakley - I think one of the nicest things about potlucks is the opportunity to sample the cooking/favorite dishes of others. I almost always come away with a new recipe or two!

Sandyponder, I agree with you about charitable contributions as gifts. One of the most thoughtful things ever done for me was when a longtime friend made a donation to our local public library in memory of my grandmother shortly after she passed. She had been a librarian and instilled in me a lifelong love of reading. I was so touched that someone chose to honor her in a way that would keep her memory alive, if only in books or supplies for the library. She would have loved it too!

Sandy, I agree with you! We've never had a problem in asking that people not bring gifts. Most people will honor that. It means alot to me when someone makes a donation or some type contribution in my honor or a family member's honor (such as a death).

Sunny - I thought the same thing earlier this year. My mom has been gone two years next month. The son of a good friend of my mom's did not hear of her death until later, and he had been out of touch with our family. A few months ago we received a card telling of a donation he had made in mom's honor. She would have been thrilled!

tina

i'm late to this discussion, but i think the way you have it planned now is clear.... as long as everyone is sure about what is being served, it's fine!! the only way this would be awkward, imo, is if everyone in your circle hosted birthday bashes with drinks and dinner included and you did not... alittle like always accepting but never reciprocating invitations to house/dinner parties.

i think it's very appropriate to ask for 'presence not presents'!!! and, i love the idea of asking for clothing donations to a local shelter!!! i think that's a wonderful gift to you---being able to deliver a load of nice donations!!
i've been to several christmas parties thru the years which have requested donations of hats/mittens,etc,etc to go to a shelter or a church's gift tree instead of customary hostess gifts. i think it's a really great thing to do and can be much more meaningful than receiving alot of trinkets!!!

"I love the Closet Cleaning idea, but what do you do if at least one in your group is considerably larger than the rest? Wouldn't she feel excluded?"

We also brought accessories and jewelry, so there was something for everyone -- And lots of things are kinda 'one size'. Or do you have only one larger friend?

Or do you have only one larger friend?

Well, of course not. Makes sense to bring accessories as well - sorry that I didn't understand that from your original description of the event. Sounds like a good time, and indeed a very productive way to clean out a closet or two. I can envision this working with home decor, kitchen items, all sorts of things!

Interesting - we did this when we were little too. I have such fond memories of summers in the poconos. We would have weekly Bingo "play dates" at various houses and you brought a few toys, books, etc as the prizes. then we would get to swap our games we didn't like as much for toys/games that others had brought when we won a round of bingo. So much fun! And the moms that weren't hosting that week got a break from the kids.

Enjoy your party SunnyCottage and Happy Birthday early! :)