Jo, I never would frown upon your use of Bt or Neem., and would, in fact, defend your right to use them and your decision to use them. Both Bt and neem are useful products and I have used them in the past and wouldn't hesitate to use them in the future if I thought I needed them. Instead, though, I focus on encouraging beneficial insects and let the beneficial insects take care of the pest insects. It is a harder process because it calls for a lot more patience, and I don't always have that much patience, but it is more in keeping with the kind of sustainable gardening I'm attempting to do. I do use some pesticides selectively. For example, I couldn't garden without Slug-Go Plus because it controls the pill bugs and sow bugs that inhabit my mulched beds by the millions. It doesn't completely wipe them out, but it keeps their levels low enough that they aren't devouring every seedling within 24 hours of me transplanting it into the garden, which is the issue I had with them in the past. I also wouldn't want to garden without spinosad for a few selected applications, including as an organic fire ant killer. Nosema locuste is a pretty good control for the younger instars of grasshoppers, although it has less effect on the thousands of migrants who fly in from elsewhere later in the summer. I just don't have a tomato hornworm problem here. If I did, I'd spray the plants with Bt. Even with 140 or 150 tomato plants, I probably don't see more than 8 or 10 tomato hornworms total in any growing season, and some years I see none. I believe the beneficial parasitic wasps here control them. It took me a long time to wean myself off using lots of organic pesticides, but I did it because I wanted to move from organic gardening to sustainable gardening, and it is such a slow process. I've done it as a slow 'cutting back' type of process and not a 'cold turkey' one. Diane, With cow manure, the problems that arise are usually one of three issues: 1.) Herbicide contamination. Sadly, this is becoming a bigger issue every year instead of a smaller one. There are several very effective broadleaf herbicides sprayed on grass and grain crops that are very slow to break down (3 to 4 years) and can survive going through the cow's digestive tract and can survived being composted. Once your soil is contaminated with these, there is no remedy except to remove all the soil to quite a depth or to wait several years for the residue to break down enough. (However, you can grow grass or grain products in those areas.) I no longer use locally-raised hay unless I know the folks personally who raised it and they can assure me their pastures are not sprayed with Grazon and the other similar products that contain the herbicides in question. I've seen too many people lose their entire garden after years of growing successfully and it is not a risk I want to take. The thought of starting over with a new plot of land and spending a decade to get that soil into the same condition my garden soil is in now is just more than I can bear. You cannot escape the contamination issue in this country because these herbicide residues have been found in commercial, bagged compost and manure products that were made from hay, straw and grass/grain that was sprayed with these herbicides. 2) E. coli contamination. In limited cases, some leafy crops have been contaminated with E. coli from animal manure. You can avoid this by hot-composting your manure and by never spraying manure tea on leafy crops. If I use manure tea (and I've switched mostly to alfalfa tea because of the growth hormones in alfalfa) at all, I apply it to the ground and avoid getting it on the foliage. Several years ago, one of our neighbors' young cattle dogs died after rolling in cow manure. An autopsy later found he's had some sort of open wound in his back, and the vet surmised that E. coli entered through that open cut and infected the dog, eventually killing him. 3) Weed seeds. If you are using local manure given to you by a local rancher, be sure you hot-compost it and that it is fully decomposed before you use it. You need the heat to get high enough to kill the weed seeds or you'll never get rid of all the weeds that the manure brings into your garden. If you are using purchased, bagged manure, it usually has gone through the hot composting process and there will not be an issue with weed seeds. My compost piles always get hot enough in spring, summer and fall, but sometimes the winter piles cannot attain the heat level needed to kill weed seeds or E. coli and other undesirable pathogens, so when I build a fresh compost pile in winter, I don't add manure to it. If I have any cow manure at that point in time, I compost it separately and wait until it has heated up a lot in spring or summer before I use it for anything. People here (since we're surrounded by ranchers) offer me manure all the time, but I mostly turn it down since they all use conventional chemicals and I want to avoid those. Dawn

I noticed the same issues with my plants. My Tepin and Mole sprouts are growing VERY slowly - 2 inches tall, just starting to grow their 2nd set of leaves. My sweet banana peppers are almost 4 inches tall with fully a developed 2nd set of leaves. After a few waterings, I have been giving all of my plants a full dose (10-15-10) of fertilizer. The Banana peppers love it. The leaves are long and thick. The hot peppers show no signs of fertilization.

It doesn't have to be cooled to add the eggs. You just have to beat a little bit of the warm milk into the eggs, then another little bit -- it's called tempering the eggs. You slowly warm them before mixing into all the hot milk, and then they don't scramble. The custard recipe I make all the time is like this; the idea is that it will bake fast because it's already warm when it goes into the oven.

Thanks everyone for your support. I know I need to leave but I suppose I've always been a sucker to help people. Amber - Thank you for your words. You are right, the only person I can save is myself. I suppose the battle is really working up the courage to say enough is enough. I struggle because I hate hurting people or feeling like I am letting them down but in the same regard I suppose by me doing things for my partner, he will never do anything to help himself or his son. Colleenoz - thank you for your kind words. I never thought about it like the way you put it. Seeing that he could turn like that if something bad happened to me is some what alarming. Because when I think of the answer to something happening to me and would he be there, I can't answer that. And if I can't answer that, then there is a real big problem. LaVerne - Thank you for your comment. Do I want to change? Yes i really do, so I guess I know what I have to do. Reading Lady - Sadly this situation is real, it would be nice if I was making it up but unfortunately I am not. I know everyone on his mother's side has bi-polar and basically have lived their lives in and out of either jails or foster homes. Sometimes I think the cycle can be broken but in the same regards, it's not my responsibility to have hero complex (i.e. trying to save everyone). Let me just say this, I know that none of you know me from a bar of soap, which in turn makes you more truthful. I appreciate your honesty and i thank you for your wisdom. I know everyone goes through hard stages in life, but you are right. If I am not happy with the situation, then only I can change it. I think it's time for me to worry about myself and get back what I want. If I succeed (and I truly hope I do) than please know every little word by each of you contributed to giving me strength. You all really have no idea how much you have put my mind, heart and bank balance at rest.