It sounds like a difficult situation to get involved in. On the one hand, you say the kids are having a hard time with the divorce. You've been dating a year and a half but only started interacting with the kids recently. It's not a surprise that they are not ready to include you in some activities & given they are in therapy, having such a hard time adjusting... it would be sensitive for you to bow out & let him take just his kids to the game. You weren't going to go to begin with. If they were free tickets, why make an issue of it. Is if "fair"? Not really but it kinda comes with the territory of getting involved with someone that has kids. On the other hand, I would agree that the dad needs to maintain control as the adult to keep kids from manipulating... and I might even go as far as admitting it's possible that the anxiety attacks and crying or clingy behavior could be manipulation. BUT, this guy has been dating you for quite a while before including his kids and he may not have prepared them for this new situation, he may feel guilty & they may have been getting away with manipulating him for a long time. They are not going to welcome someone that might change things. I get it if you're feelings were hurt. A few years ago, I thought it would be nice to take SD and buy tickets for a fair on Father's day. It was to be a surprise for DH and I bought all the tickets (SD was with me). We got to the fair, rode rides together & played games but halfway through the day, she took her dad aside and started crying. He was astounded and asked what's wrong. She tells him (loud enough for me to hear) "I didn't know Ima was going to be here, I wanted it to be just you and me!". Of course I was hurt & angry. She was with me when I bought the tickets & when we made the plans to go & when we got in the car & when we spent the first half of the day there together, having fun or so I thought. Thinking back on it now... maybe I should have gone home & let them have the rest of the day. I don't think it would have made much difference in the way things have ultimately turned out, which is now having an almost 13 year old that ignores me like I don't exist. She never wanted her dad to be with anyone, she will probably never accept that he's with me & it's uncomfortable (at best) to live on a day to day basis with her. If you are already feeling it has disaster written all over it AND he has a crazy ex.... well, that's more insight than I had before I said "I do".

THanks for your input to my post. DH has not told SD's we are married because he is basically afraid of them. Of the two SD's, the older one is very much like her Mom and once when he came to younger SDs basketball game, (to which he had been invited), the older one wanted to have him ARRESTED, just like her mommy did. SD said he had "no right to be there", and started screaming and yelling in public, so we just quietly left. These kids are so messed up, and we both tell them very very little about our lives because of how alienated they are. I made it sound like it was just HIS fault that they don't know that we are married, but it is also my doing. We didnt invite them to the wedding for many reasons (they are both not well, being number 1!!) and BM used to threaten us all the time that if and when she found out where and when we would be getting married, she wanted to come to the wedding...can you imagine her at our wedding, I am personally afraid of her because she is not well. THe thing that does get to me, and as you guys pointed out, is that I am NOT his messenger girl. At first, because BM had him arrested twice (Once we were in the attorney's office, preparing paperwork for him to pay ADDITIONAL child support without her asking, because she had the kids full time because the kids did not want to be with him part-time, which he and I understood, because they are teen girls and their "home base" was with Mom, and BM called him on his cell phone, the lawyer and me and DH and secretary of lawyer were all there, and she says to him (she didnt know where he was and that he was preparing to pay her extra child support even though she had not asked for it), anyways, she says "the cops are coming to get you, because I feel like stirring up crap, so get ready". She did this because it was labour day weekend and she KNEW that if he got picked up, that he would spend THREE days in the clink, for NO reason. Just did it because she could...He did get picked up but thank goodness the lawyer vouched for him and they let him out in an hour, after listening to his lawyer swear that DH had been right there with all of us!! Anyways, at first, that was why I would call the kids for DH or pick them up to bring them to visit us, etc..because BM is just vindictive and not well mentally and is angry and crazy-acting. BM tells us now that she thinks she is bipolar. I don't think she is bipolar, she is a narcissist for sure though. Anyways, I just wanted to sort of further explain what is going on but I do agree with you 100% that he needs to look after "his little darlings", as you put it. I guess that I don't want to spend time with SD's anymore and I need some help validating that. I feel gulity to a certain degree and DH said to me "well I tolerate a lot from our kids . To me that is just him laying guilt on me. I can't stand to see them "use" us and be mean to him. DH does not want to spend time with SD's without me, because as Silversword put it, I am the "buffer". How do I get out of this role that I have gotten myself into, I like the "I'm busy" message, any other ideas as well...how do I explain to DH how they make me FEEL....? I think they make DH feel the same way, because he said to me "they don't like me either you know" but I can't accept the way they act, I can't "fake" it anymore, he wants me to go out with them and act all happy and hahalalala for a few hours and then we don't have to see them again for a month or so. Am I being difficult, I guess that's what I am trying to figure out. SD's are just so not NICE. I did tell DH that for Father's Day, HE should take them camping . DH just about had a heart attack and said "I am NOT doing that!" Every time we take them somewhere, one of them gets aggressive and nasty and fights and gets mad at DH, one time we were 3 hours away and he wanted to get in the car and drive them home they were so bad!! And dumbdumb me says "oh no, they'll be ok, give them a chance!!" No wonder he wants me along!! sheesh...!!

Hi All, thought I would give an update on the birthday party flaps. So, I extend invitations to SS29 and SGS 8 1/2 to DS7's (he's now 7 hurray!) birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese's last Saturday. DS7 chose the guests, short list including his 1/2 brother SS29 and SGS 8 1/2 and a few other kids friends. SS29's girlfriend, mother of his children, common law wife, calls and says they don't have bus/train fare to come! Nothing new but still a lot of nerve. As they have moved out to the desert, picking them up has become even more of an inconvinience. BUT, for the sake of DS7's birthday, DH does drive to pick up the crew from the desert. He gets there, then gf announces that the baby, SGS 2 1/2, is also coming to be cared for by DD36. Long story short, the crew shows up at Chuck E. Cheese courtesy of DH. Have not eaten, no gifts, dirty clothes it was unbelievable. SS29 spends the whole time playing with SGS 8 1/2, spends no time with my son, the one who invited him, DS7 whose feelings are hurt by this. SD 36 shows up with two more uninvited cousins from BM's side of the family but at least she pays for their play tokens. I won't continue the blow by tacky blow except, Because they live so far, we invited them all, SS29 included, to spend the night at our house, have a nice brunch and take them home. I get home with the balloons and gifts, SS29 has split, taken the bus for which he had supposedly no money to his mother's house to collect some items and basically dumped his kids on us to take care of over the weekend! No clothes, toiletries, no diapers or diaper stuff for the baby! I run down to Wal-Mart to buy pjs, Pull-Ups, diaper cream and a sippy cup. This time though, I let DH handle his people. I went on to church and brunch with my friends the next day after setting the kids up with some outdor games. Did not cook for them and put the Wal-Mart receipt on the counter. By the time I came back, he had insisted that his son, SS29 meet him at the train station to pick up his kids and take them back to the boondocks. If you want a nice LOL, SGS 8 1/2 left his library book at our house. SS29's gf called me and asked that I overnight it to her so it wouldn't be late. It took me a minute to collect myself from her gall. I told her I would pass it on to SD36 who could pass it on to BM, the grandmother, who could pass it on to them. Haven't heard from her since! Geez, they got a bag of new pj's, clothes, diapers, toiletries and fresh toothbrushes, I thought that was pretty good swag for some unexpected and not entirely welcome guests! Anyway, my son enjoyed his birthday admist all of the silly drama. The 2nd party planned at SD36 has been nixed.

Doesn't the OP get to decide what they mean? I mean, KKNY writes "why is it a common thread that SM's...." and when I read it, not sure if she means to use the word 'theme'. That's the word I might have chosen. See, we are all from different walks of life and use different words in our day to day life. Choosing the exact words on a forum is not always so easy, especially when some people type fast as they are thinking and don't spend a lot of time deciphering the words they use and how each person that reads it will interpret it. I think the person writing the post has the best idea of what they are trying to convey, even if they choose the wrong word to say it. I see plenty of misspelled words, transposed letters (from fast typing I'm sure) and the use of the wrong words or words with more than one meaning. and KKNY, "perhaps it is part of I was good enought to get the guy -- you are worthless?" Comments like this drip with insecurity... perhaps you can remember that you were good enough to get him first. Then, you were lucky to be rid of him when he turned out to be a toad. Now, he's HER problem, not yours. Was he a prince? Is a guy some sort of prize that you think is needed to be the 'winner'? A second wife gets to bask in the joy of her marriage, just as a first wife does. It doesn't mean that she's any better or worse because she is happy & loves her husband. It doesn't mean she's better because things didn't work out with the first marriage. If you really think looks are important to the survival of a relationship and that getting the guy is some sort of reward or prize that implies they are the winner, if you really believe that, I'd suggest you get some counseling. I really hope you don't honestly think that way.