I used quotation marks because until this past weekend, I thought two of my fears were a bit irrational, but now, I"m not so sure and I'm hopeful I will be able to work through them.
Since I learned to drive nearly 30 years ago, every summer, I've driven across the Bay Bridge in Maryland to get to the beach and now as a parent, I drive over it all year round to take my kids to sporting events, camps, etc. It is a nearly 5 mile long bridge that at its peak, is 185 feet high. For over 20 years I drove across that bridge with never a fear in my mind. Then when I was pregnant with my youngest 9 years ago, while returning home from the beach with my other three kids in the car, I had what I assume was a panic attack just as I was reaching the peak. I have never had one in my life and haven't had one since, but only sheer will and determination got me across that day. There is no way you can stop ON the bridge, no place to pull over. My hands gripped on the wheel and staring at the license plate on the car ahead of me, heart practically in my throat and barely able to breathe, I got myself across the rest of the way. But I was TOTALLY freaked out and had no idea what had just happened to me or why. My OB later attributed it to my hormones. For a while, I could not drive across the bridge again. But, I knew I couldn't NOT drive over the bridge ever again, so finally, on a trip to the beach where dh and I were driving separate cars, MIL was with me. She knew what had happened so tried to keep my mind occupied, but I could feel my body tensing and my heart starting to pound, but I was able to get myself across. For about a year after, every time I approached the bridge, I could feel the beginnings of anxiety but was able to control it from overcoming me. THe last several years, I've been fine driving across, but I do still have "tricks" I use to prevent the anxiety.
So, I couldn't imagine exactly what the problem was. I realized that that when I became a parent, certain things I never feared were things that had become a little bit bothersome...like heights. I had developed a sense of my mortality so things that could be thought of as dangerous were suddenly a bit scary to me. I realized that the westbound span of that bridge curves as you approach the peak, and you can see just how high you are, plus the sides of the bridge have openings that allow you to see straight down to the water. That must have triggered the fear in me that day. Going eastbound, there isn't that same view so it is easier for me to drive. Until now.
Friday evening, a mere four hours after I crossed the bridge on my way across the Eastern Shore to a soccer tournament in NJ with my boys, a car was hit from behind by a tractor trailer, went airborne, flew over the jersey wall and landed in the water below. Thankfully, it happened at the start of the bridge span where it's not as high, but the car still fell 40 feet into the water below. Miraculously, the young woman survived, and was able to swim back to shore and hold onto some rocks until she was rescued. You may have seen the story on the news.
And all I could think was, OMG, that isn't supposed to be able to happen. Cars are not supposed to be able to get above the jersey wall. When an accident happened five years ago on the bridge that sent an 18-wheeler through the side of the bridge (driver died sadly), safety measures were taken to shore up the barriers. But no one has ever gone ABOVE/OVER the jersey walls! In my head, I've always talked my way over that bridge by saying to myself that it is safe, something like that CAN'T happen. And now I know it can. Oddly enough, I was supposed to be go to my daughter's camp performance that evening, which would have had me going over that bridge at roughly the same time that accident happened, or shortly thereafter, but decided to skip her performance and leave early so we wouldn't get stuck in beach traffic. Thank God I did leave early.
So now how do I get myself over that bridge next time? I'm taking my kids to camp next week right on the other side of the bridge! ACK! I may have to have dh go with me that day, at least the first time I have to go over, but really, in the next three weeks, I have to drive over that bridge no less than 3 more times (camp and trip to beach) all as a driver, not a passenger!
The other thing that freaked me out was the death of that woman on the roller coaster in TX. Just two weeks ago, I was at Hershey Park with my kids. I LOVE roller coasters. It is the one "fear" that I've been able to keep at bay, or at least, force myself to do it to prove that I can face my fears. So there was one ride that I went on alone. My one son was off with his friends, my youngest was too little, so that left my 10 y/o. He didn't want to go on it. So dh took the two youngest on a different ride while I went alone on that one. I can't really describe the way it was set up except to say that you are seated alone in a "car" that is really just a seat with no sides. Only your lap is held in - there is a t-bar that comes down across your thighs (and maybe there was a seatbelt). Upper body is totally freely moving and your arms could hold onto a bar that came up from your lap. There were two young boys on either side of me in their own little seats, separate from me. Well, it totally freaked me out. My whole upper body was getting thrown around. I did not feel safely "in" the ride with only my lower body feeling sort of snug. I have been on other rides where only the lower body is strapped in, but this was totally different. It really did feel as if you could get thrown out easily - my upper body was really getting tossed about. I remember saying to myself, "thank God Joey didn't go on that ride with me - I would have freaked out that he could have slipped out from the t-bar. But, I got off the ride and just reminded myself that large amusement parks are typically incredibly safe (unlike carnivals/boardwalk rides/etc). Then just a week later, I hear about the poor woman in TX. And I think, wow, will I be able to put myself on those kind of rides anymore? And my kids?
Just kind of freaked me out that twice in the same weekend, what I thought were somewhat irrational fears were suddenly turned into realistic fears. And now even though I know the odds are incredibly low, still, the thought will be in the back of my mind.
So, after that very long winded post, my question is, do you have any fears, irrational or not, and how do you work yourself through them, especially if you don't have much choice (like me driving over the bridge!)?
cyn427 (z. 7, N. VA)
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