I was very touched by what you are expressing, especially about your Mom "biting her lip" to keep from offering unwanted advice. I have 3 grandchildren of my own, and my husband has 3-nearly-4. So I can empathize, believe me. My little granddaughter is nearly 5, and an absolute scamp. I saw her today, and played Barbies-Having-a-Feast with her (we drag out dozens of Barbies, set play food on little tables, the Prince comes to host the banquet, you get the picture). She has two younger brothers, and tends to be quite bossy. Of course I love the dickens out of them all, but I said to her, "Alyssa, you are really going to have to not be so bossy." Playing with the grandkids is when you really get to know them, as a grandparent. And also a means to offer them a little "life advice." I think Debbeeanne's suggestion of encouraging Grandmas to babysit is an excellent one. This tells both grandparents that you and your husband trust them completely, with the safety of your child. Also, call once a week on the phone and ask the Grandmas to talk to your son. Even if he just goos into the receiver, they will enjoy it. It's good, too, to telephone with "the latest accomplishment." They can't see him growing every day, like you do. Feel free to share -- it will make them feel closer to him, and to you. You sound like a wonderful Mom, daughter, and daughter-in-law. How nice it would be, if more young mothers realized how important it is to include the Grandmoms. As a grandparent, the fact that God has blessed us with a grandbaby is the icing on Life's cake. One day you will know this feeling -- but for now, just love your little boy, and continue to be a terrific Mom! Here is a link that might be useful: Welcome to Gram's Pantry

Hello All, I have been following the many posts regarding the challenges and rewards of being a young grandparent. Currently, most organizations that offer services focus on meeting the needs of a the more traditional "elder" grandparent caregivers. To this end, my work essentially, highlights the unique experience of modern caregiver grandparents (e.g., younger) and evaluates their experience managing and coping with the numerous demands in their daily lives. Specifically, I am interested in determining the forms of coping that they engage in and their effects on outcomes such as their health and psychological well-being. Specifically, I am running a survey for young caregiving grandmothers. Women 30-45 years, who are likely (1) still caring for children of their own, (2) still employed outside of the home, (3) are juggling the competing demands of being mother, grandmother, and a functional independent young to middle-aged woman. If interested in learning more about this program, please contact me (Michelle Coleman) @: Call: 1-888-764-7778 or email: jacketlint@gmail.com

My children are older now, not babies or children, but I had the same ideas as you when they were little - limited tv, limits on sugary snacks and sweet drinks, breast feeding, etc. And, like you, my mom laughed or ignored some of them. Fast forward 20 years later, my mom appreciates the way I raised my children and she understands now why I made the choices I did. I am very, very glad I had the rules I did when my kids were young - I was right and I'm glad I held my ground. None of your choices sound extreme to me - limiting sugary snacks, limiting t.v., wanting a schedule and more time just the 3 of you, no trip to the beach at 4 months old - those are all reasonable choices. Cheri is right, your parenting ideas will change as your daughter grows. And she is right, your parents have things to contribute as grandparents. But that doesn't mean that you have to raise your children according to your parents' priorities and wishes. However, keep in mind a few things - whenever you talk about the way you want to raise your kids differently - many grandparents would see that as a criticism of how they raised you, their own child. Before you phrase things, think about how they might come across to your parents as implying that their methods were lacking. Also, be sure and make it a point to mention to your parents what they did right. My mom and I have different ideas about television, putting coke in baby bottles, etc., but my mom is also the person who taught me that when things look hopeless you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and work as hard as you can to change things. That is a gift she gave me infinitely more precious than riches or even education. Be sure and tell your parents what things they taught you that you will pass on to your children. Another suggestion that worked for us is that I told my mom that my husband wanted those rules. My mom simply ignored my rules if they were my rules, but she thinks my husband hung the moon and should have whatever he wants, so she (sometimes) listened if she thought it was my husband's wish. She did whatever she dang well pleased if it was just something I wanted. If my mom was particularly stubborn, my husband told her himself that he wanted it that way. Another thing that works well (with grandparents and babies) is to redirect. If your mom wants to take the baby somewhere, tell her no, now is not a good time, but this weekend would be great, how about then. Or if she wants to give the baby icing, tell her no, but baby loves sweet potatoes, why don't you give her that. Grandparents love to see "firsts" - first bite of chocolate, first time at the beach. Tell your parents, no, you can't take her to the beach this year, but when she's 2 you can take her and be there for her first time. You are being more than reasonable to limit tv, unhealthy snacks, limit visits to less frequently than daily or every other day, and set the expectation of higher education for your children early. Your mother is right, your daughter will express preferences of her own one day in education, food, hobbies, etc. That is still no reason not to set your standards high. If you are raising your daughter significantly different than the way you were raised, it will take years for your parents to change their minds. But when they see your daughter as a teenager, healthy and maintaining a healthy weight, doing well in school, winning awards and doing whatever extracurriculars (sports, violin, girl scouts, dance, whatever rings her bell), trust me, your parents will tell you you did your job well. I want to address something else cheri mentioned - her daughter's desire to use organic food, use cloth diapers, read to her children daily (I heartily endorse the part about reading to your children daily, by the way). The drive to be the best mom she could possibly be was strong in cheri's daughter, and even if her daughter changed her ways, she still probably has a strong drive to do her best. That drive should be honored, respected, and as much as reasonable should be indulged by grandparents. The realities of life will knock some practicality into the heads of young parents - let them have their dreams and give it their best shot. When my oldest was a baby my mother-in-law told me this, "In every young mother's life there comes a time when she has to look at her mother and say, 'Mother, you raised your kids the way you wanted, now it's my turn to raise my kids the way I want'." Be loving, be kind, include and affirm the grandparents, and let the grandparents have their way when it isn't important to you. But stand your ground with kindness on the things that matter. Everything you're asking for is reasonable and healthy for your child.

The only grandparent I have that’s still alive is my dad’s mother but I don’t have any grandparents. I’m 22 years old. My mother’s father was coward who killed himself when my mom was 3. And she was forced to grow up without her father. And her mother did a horrible job raising her. But my mother is a wonderful woman. She never left me or my siblings in times of need and raised us to be mature responsible adults. And she is a hard worker. Her mother was there for a little of our life and abandoned us when I was really young. Not even 10...that had to be hard for my mom to fill the void. My father’s side was great until my aunt was born. His father died when I was 2, my brother was 6, and when my sister was 8. My dad was only 27 at the time, but he is a great man. He worked hard for decades to provide for 3 kids, and a wife. He was never afraid to be the bad guy if that’s what it took to teach us what we needed to know. And he never stops showing us love when we need him. I’ve had the best parents I could’ve ever had or asked for. But my father’s mother is the worst. She was never there for me or my brother and never even met my sister. I invited her to my graduation party (only because mom told me to) she said she was gonna come and she lied. Not even a congratulations card. I finally told her I was done. I gave her another chance after her mother died but I didn’t even get a half a try. She never called, never asked if I was doing alright in this time of the coronavirus. So I finally deleted her number. she doesn’t deserve to be part of the life a man who’s engaged and has a double bachelor’s. Or a man who is working on a music career. Sometimes I wish I could spit in her face. She is not grandmother of mine, or my siblings. And never told her own son that she was proud of him. That has to hurt my father to the core, maybe that’s partially why he’s such a hard worker, because his efforts were never enough. Not to his own mother anyway.