Just lost my precious Ash

15 years ago

Sunday afternoon... I am so unbearably sad. He was about ten, and just a big baby boy. The very worst part is that my poor Ash suffered because of my carelessness. He crept into my car while I had the doors open carrying things back and forth into the house. When I closed the door, never seeing him of course, he was trapped and doomed to a horrible death. I can come to terms with the loss of my bubby-boy, but am just consumed with thoughts of his terrible suffering. There are just no words...I'm just walking around on the verge of tears all day...

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Comments (28)

User
15 years ago
OMG I'm so sorry! I can't imagine how you feel.

Try not to beat yourself up. It was an accident and I'm sure it'll never happen again. He was a pretty boy!
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teacats
15 years ago
So very very sorry!!!

Sending you hugs!!!!

Jan
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mitchdesj
15 years ago
I am also sorry you are going through this, he looks adorable !
You'll need to forgive yourself, I sympathize with what you must be feeling.
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mrsmarv
15 years ago
Oh, bestyears...(((hugs))) to you. I am so sorry that not only are you consumed with grief, but guilt, as well. I am so sorry you have to feel this way. Mitch is right...you need to work on forgiving yourself. Ash would want you to.
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User
15 years ago
I'm in tears with you and so sorry for your loss. I lost the most precious of precious birds almost two years ago because of my carelessness. I still grieve for him and re-live the moment over an over again. It's painful and sad. Prayers and thoughts are with you. --Lukki
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Jamie
15 years ago
I have guilty feelings over the death of my pets -- did I understand what they were telling me? did I do too much? too little?

But I really, truly believe that nature protects them from the worst pain, and that protective biological mechanisms take over. They don't fear the same things we fear.
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User
15 years ago
I am so very, very sorry. He was indeed a beautiful boy, and I can imagine how devastated you feel. Please don't be too hard on yourself. It was an accident, and you would never have harmed him purposely.

(((((Hugs)))))
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ttodd
15 years ago
Oh my heart aches for you!!!! Please, please, please let yourself grieve but don't beat yourself up. His passing is hard enough as is. I am so, so sorry - you both are in my thoughts. Indeed he was a handsome cat. My son pointed out his picture right away and said 'pretty kitty'.
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neetsiepie
15 years ago
I have no words to ease your mind, just offering you my arms to comfort you.

I lost my baby Chipotle to an accident that was partly my fault and it tore at my heart for ages. I couldn't let myself dwell on that and made myself recall the times he and I shared and told myself that his love remains in my heart.

Please know my thoughts are with you.
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anele_gw
15 years ago
Oh, my gosh! He is just beautiful! And really, he is not suffering anymore-- he will never suffer again. I truly believe that.

I almost did something like that with one of my cats. I left a dryer door open, then closed it a few hours later WITHOUT checking. I found my cat in there the next day. Had I not done laundry soon, or if I'd turned it on somehow . . .my goodness.

You could never have guessed he would be in the car. This is not your fault. Be gentle with yourself.

The link below is the Rainbow Bridge set to music. You may have seen it before. I hope it brings you some peace.

Here is a link that might be useful: Rainbow Bridge Poem
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deedee-2008
15 years ago
How sad for you. It was just a terrible accident. Your kitty is up in heaven now. Please accept my heart-felt condolences at the loss of your beautiful Ash. What a handsome guy. ((hugs))
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golddust
15 years ago
Yes, deedee. It was a terrible *accident* that could have happened to anyone. I'm so sorry it happened to you, bestyears.

(((more hugs)))
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barb5
15 years ago
Bestyears, I am so very sorry. And please, don't be so hard on yourself. No matter how hard we try, we can't prevent all the sad things that happen to those we love. We just don't have that kind of power. I don't know anyone who searchs their car everytime they shut the door just in case an animal snuck in. Sometimes bad things happen without it being anyone's fault.
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DLM2000-GW
15 years ago
What a heartbreak for you but please try and forgive yourself. He was a beautiful cat and obviously much loved.
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rob333 (zone 7b)
15 years ago
He was obviously well loved with that look on his face and his own hammock ;) It's easy to tell you love him very much, and I know Ash knows too. I am sorry though. I'll be thinking about you; take care.
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graywings123
15 years ago
Oh, I can't imagine how awful you must feel, both for the loss and the situation. He looks like a cat I dearly loved many years ago. My sympathies go out to you.
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peytonroad
15 years ago
I am sooo sorry for you. Your Ash looks just like my Socks!! It really is okay, he knew you meant no harm. Cats sleep so much that the warmth of the car intitally lulled him to sleep and then he never awakened. It is probable that he did not suffer. A cats normal body temp is 100-102. He probably died in his sleep. I hope this gives you some rest from your guilt/pain/tragedy. He was a very handsome cat! Good luck to you, can you post more pictures?
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bestyears
Original Author
15 years ago
ohgosh,you guys, thank you so, so much. It means so much to have you all be so supportive, more than you can know. Right now I'm just walking around with this front and center in my mind. I can't seem to escape thoughts of his suffering, particularly of course when I get in the car. But I know, I know, time will help. I've never made a mistake that had such tragic consequences and it is very hard to live with yourself when you do. I just feel like I let him down so horribly...and he was my bubby-boy, pure love and just ecstatic to see me come home whether I had been gone an hour or half a day...
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folkvictorian
15 years ago
Bestyears - it was a mistake and you are not to blame. I hope that you find comfort in knowing that we all send long-distance hugs and that we're all thinking of you. It's obvious that you felt great love for beautiful Ash, so please don't be hard on yourself in your grief.
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golddust
15 years ago
I wouldn't call it a *mistake*, which implies bestyears knew she left him in the car and underestimated the heat, etc. She didn't do that. She didn't *know/see* him jump in the car. Therefore it was an *accident*, not a mistake, UNLESS the mistake was on Ash's part.

I wouldn't normally jump in to correct words (God knows I'm not qualified) but in this case, calling it a mistake may feed into bestyears guilty feelings, KWIM? We're trying to make her feel better, not feed her nightmare.

Wording is important sometimes, says me, who manages to screw up words on a regular basis. :+)
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mahatmacat1
15 years ago
Ay ay ay...(((best))) I didn't open this until just now...I add my hugs and my voice to the chorus of support for you as you deal with this...

I'm with golddust re accident vs. mistake -- I know that I doomed two of my dear ones to early deaths by the food I fed them and vaccinations I agreed to--that was an avoidable *mistake*, as in now that I know better, I have promised their little souls that I will always do better by whatever other cats come my way.

But what happened to you and your dear Ash was purely and simply a horribly sad *accident*, in every possible way. Not a mistake that you can kick yourself for like I do/did with my kitties...but just purely a freak occurrence that could happen any day to anyone. Sometimes I'm amazed that things like that don't happen more often.

Ash was beautiful and happy with you. It was completely out of your hands. With the deep contentment he shows in those pics, I wouldn't be surprised if somehow he let you know he forgives you and understands what happened, sometime soon...
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User
15 years ago
I completely agree with the others re "mistake" vs. "accident." I don't mean this to sound callous in any way, but a part of me believes that an accident that takes a life simply means that in the overall scheme of things, that was that life force's time to leave us and travel elsewhere. There are just so many accidents that occur all the time, and some amazingly freakish -- my mind tends to find some small comfort in believing that an accident is just the portal that leads a life where it must go next.

(((((Hugs))))) to Bestyears.
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amysrq
15 years ago
Oh, bestyears. My heart goes out to you. I don't know what else to say without sounding too weird. But, like others, I believe there is a bigger picture, which we don't always understand. And I believe we are forgiven before we even ask. I wish you comfort and healing and peace.
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bestyears
Original Author
15 years ago
Thank you all again so much. All of your words are helping my heart.... I just miss my Ashes so much. I keep thinking I hear his meow... his sister Kenzie looks like him from a distance and every now and then I catch a glimpse of her and think, "Oh, there he is!"... I am so hoping he will come to me in a dream or something.
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dilly_dally
15 years ago
Oh what a terrible accident to have happen. I feel so sorry for your loss and heartache.

Keep reminders of the happy times together, around for memories. Your photos are precious. If at all possible, getting rid of any reminders associated with the accident, may help the healing process.

You are not to blame. It was a tragic event and you did nothing wrong.
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stinky-gardener
15 years ago
Bestyears, I'm so sorry for your loss. I can imagine the joy that Ash brought into your life, & the void he leaves behind.

I wonder if Ash knew it was his time & stayed behind in the car because he was seeking a quiet resting place. I know, it may sound far-fetched, but it is possible!

It has been said that all animals know when they are about to die, & they will often seek out a cave-like environment, perhaps under a bed or in a densely planted area, so they may peacefully pass away.Though you may not of known of any health problems, Ash may have had this awareness.

One thing is for certain, Ash passed away knowing he was loved & cared for. I'm sure you were a wonderful cat mom, as all of your posts here indicate that you are a kind, warm-hearted person. I'm sure Ash received the best care possible throughout his decade on earth.

I would find some comfort in knowing that my cat died a peaceful death. Ash was not hit by a car or attacked by a dog. A grizzly fate such as that would be even more devastating, as then Ash would have suffered great pain.

I know these days must be so painful for you. My thoughts & prayers are with you as you grieve. Peace be with you.
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folkvictorian
15 years ago
Hey, Bestyears, how are you doing? I hope you and your Kenzie-kitty are doing ok. Just wanted to let you know we're still thinking of you....
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bestyears
Original Author
15 years ago
We just returned from a few days out of town. It was a well-timed break because we were in a place we had never been, and so my mind was more occupied than it would normally be. It helped Not having to get into my car each day helped too. I realized about 3 nights into it that I had finally slept through the night without images from that terrible day pushing their way into my mind. When we returned home tonight, there was a card telling me that my incredibly kind step-daughter purchased a brick here for the Houston SPCA which will read, "Ash, Always Loved and Remembered". I'll be okay. I keep telling myself that my sadness is a testament to the love between us. It's okay. I guess I just feel that he was robbed of what should have been a nice last half of his life. There are greater tragedies, I know... But thank you ALL for being so understanding and making this a place to share my grief....
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Just lost my precious Ash

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Just lost my precious Ash

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