I'll be spending the holidays with my boyfriend's family, for reasons given in my other posts. They were very kind to invite me, and his mom is even asking him what to get me for Christmas, which I totally didn't expect.

It's really hard though. I've never been to a family event with his family, and that's always stressful, on top of not having mom around. Luckily, we are not staying in their house, so that if I need to cry or be upset, I can do it in private and not in front of his family.

I am really dreading the upcoming xmas holidays. Just looking at families with their dads laughing and enjoying the themselves will be unbearable. My loving dad passed away almost a month ago of liver disease. The house now is so quiet and lonely. Mum seems to be holding up well externally but I can see the devastation and sadness in her eyes it is killing me. They say the first year the pain is at its worst and I'm bracing myself for it. This is the first time I have lost someone that I have an emotional attachment to and it is just so so painful. With dad being a buddhist, we are at the moment in the middle of our 49-day period of prayers/mourning and having to be vegetarian for those 49 days. I must say eating vegetarian is not too bad at all even though I couldn't see myself being strictly a vegan for good.

Everytime I look at dad's photos (esp. more recent ones) the tears start to flow on and on. You start to question the meaning of life now that he's gone. Feelings of love, alot of guilt & regret, hopelessness, slight anger flashes thru my head. Please tell me it gets easier...

Thank you for listening

Teo

I lost my mom 5 months ago. One minute I think I am ok, and then the next minute im crying. About 2 weeks ago, I was gonna take some video of my new kitten. I turned on the camcorder, and decided to see if the tape was blank. So I clicked it, and in it was a Christmas tape we had done 2 years ago. A part of me wanted to quit watching the tape, and another part of me said to watch it. I just sat there crying. Hearing my mom's voice, seeing her so alive and well. Most of the time, I do pretty good emotion wise, but I think there is a part of me, that is in total denial that she is truely gone. Her death was so unexpected, and happened quickly. I am glad I have the tape of that christmas, but at the same time, im not sure if I was really ready to watch it or not. Because I feel like such a bundle of emotions now.
I know I am totally not looking forward to Thanksgiving tomorrow, or Christmas.
Thanks for letting me talk about my feelings.
La Donna

I lost my dearest Dad on Oct 6th this year. I just had my first birthday without him in my life last week. I am not looking forward to Thanksgiving or Christmas this year either. We thought last year might be his last holidays with us, so we made them the best we could for him. I'm glad we did, as it brought great joy and hope back into his life, but this year I just want to keep it small and quiet. He did get to see his first great-grandchild (my granddaughter, born July 5th) so that is a great comfort to me. I can't help but smile when I hold her.

I just miss him so much, and I talk to him all the time still. It's really hard on my mother as she has Alzheimers, and has been having many days of confusion off & on. She misses him so. They were married for 56 years this past September.

I just truly believe that God has a plan and everything happens for a reason. That is what helps me to cope.
But, I sure wish my Dad would come to me in a dream. I keep hoping.

I still have so much to be thankful for.
Blessings to all ~~ katclaws

I didn't expect to have my son with me last Christmas but he made it and I got the big smiles and hugs I hoped for. Still didn't get many photos which didn't show his rear view as he was camera shy but I made a joke of getting what I could, when I could and I will treasure those always. I think he had as much fun hiding from the camera as I did sneaking up on him. This forum helped me through that time of knowing we would never have another Christmas together the same way.
It is 8 months since Glenn left and I really just want this year to be over. But for his little boy who will turn 8 on the 16th December and who still, in his heart, hopes that Santa will bring his Daddy back, no matter how much we try to help him understand - we have to try and make some good memories for him. Glenn's birthday was on the 2nd November and my DIL, Jake and I released balloons with messages and ate Glenn and Jakes favourite dessert which I made. It was a good day and easier than the days leading up to it. So, I hope we can do as well for Christmas. I am trying to make two stars from gold wire with Glenn's name shaped into them for the top of Jake's and my trees. I think I have worked out how to do it but if it doesn't succeed I will form his name in the gold wire and attach it to candles to light at the Christmas table. I have a need to keep him close and remembered as the wonderful part of our family he was and always will be.
Thank you to old and new posters as we hold each other's hands and do our best to make our ways through these holidays with our priceless memories of the earlier ones and of those who are in our hearts forever. Elspeth

This is my second Thanksgiving without my mother. She died in September of 2004. So I made it through the year of "firsts" and now I'm into the second year. In many ways (having been through this when I lost my father in 1994), I find the second year harder. In the first year, the grief is so raw and fresh and you are so focused on getting through the first birthday, the first Christmas, etc., without them. But you do, and then the second year comes rolling around and now it's the second round of holidays without them. And I find myself with a dull ache, missing my mother more and more. Plus it was on Thanksgiving in 2003 -- at dinner at my cousin's -- when I noticed she began exhibiting strange behavior. On December 23, she was diagnosed with a brain tumor. So the holidays have that double whammy because it's the holidays AND the anniversary of her diagnosis. I find myself reliving every moment, every step, every shock, every emotion.

I did have a nice day today, with that same cousin and her family, but I still feel like an orphan. Maybe I'd feel differently if I had a husband and/or children, but I think that no matter how old you are, when you lose your remaining parent you feel like an orphan.

Well I made it through today. We were invited to go to some of our families homes but I just couldn't. We had a quiet, boring Thanksgiving at home. I've never gone home and not stayed at mom and dad's house (4 hours away). But now that they're gone, I just couldn't do it. I miss them so much. It was so hard making chicken and noodles yesterday. It was the one thing that mom made that I loved, but could not get it right. I did it though, and they were good. I wished so much I could call her and talk to her about it, or better yet, share the meal with her. But I used her dishes and tablecloth she made for me, and felt close to her then. We will have to go back at Christmas and it will be so hard. I have to let my children have time with their extended family. Maybe we will get a motel, but then we will offend family. I just miss them so much. I know the first of everything without them is the hardest. I'm just trying to get through it right now.
Joanie

My husband died last month. It was unexpected, but not a big shock because he'd been in a nursing home for two years. Still, Thanksgiving sort of threw me, and I'm sure Christmas will do the same.

One thing that's helping about Christmas, though, is that I decided to buy the kids one last gift from Dad. I did this when my (step)mother did. She always loved to buy them presents, and everyone got one from Grandma under the tree (bought by me) two months after she died.

So I've been putting a lot of thought into what I should get for my son and daughter and granddaughter. I'm choosing things that Joe would have liked to get for them. It's been a good focus for me.

Susan

My dad passed away in February. I'm really not looking forward to Christmas this year. We have the whole family for Christmas Eve at our house every year. My mom wants to have it, so we will. It's going to be tough, having all those people in the house and not Dad.

Alisande, what a good idea. Your husband would be so happy to know, and maybe he DOES know. Take care.

Susan too.

Our first Christmas without Dad was very tough. We had our immediate family of 27 people at the house for Christmas Eve. He would have loved it, since he lived for his family. He passed away last February, and it didn't hit home as much as it did during the holiday season.