My son used to complain that he just couldn't read and that it would take him hours to finish a homework assignment that his friends read in 30 minutes. Luckily he is exceptionally bright and graduated high school and college with good grades. After taking the SAT he came home and said he probably failed because he kept finding himself looking out the window rather than answering the questions. Even he college he'd often call saying that he was up all night trying to finish his research so that he could write his paper. Then he went to law school - you can imagine the amount of reading required there and quickly began to fall behind. Well he was desperate and finally went to his adviser who sent him to the school psychologist for testing. They also had us fill out a 15 page questionnaire describing my son's behavior. They wanted to know everything about him - behavior in class, home, ability to make and keep friends, leisure activities, illness, health, physical abilities.... Two of the tests they gave were significantly alarming- one test had him sit and watch a computer screen. He was instructed to click the mouse every time he saw a specific number on the screen. He started out great but within minutes his recognition dropped. They did a similar test with his hearing recognition. He wore headphones and was instructed to press a button when he heard whatever the specific word was. Again he started well but quickly began missing the key word. These were just 2 samples of the multiple tests he was given. The outcome was that the psychologist looked at him and asked how he even managed to graduate from high school. My son had a significant focusing problem - indicative of ADD. However since he was bright and had a great memory he coped. My husband is a physician and I taught but we didn't recognize his ADD. His teachers didn't either. Perhaps if he had been disruptive or a discipline problem this might have been suggested as an issue. Since taking the 2 prescriptions that are commonly given for ADD he has been able to keep up with his reading and graduated from law school last year and is doing great at his job. I do believe that ADD and ADHD is often over diagnosed and too often children are unnecessarily medicated. But for those who suffer through this they deserve our compassion not our critiques.

A__'s 8 (almost 9) He lives at four different houses - so his life in incredibly inconsistent (BM's, my BF's, BM's mom's, and my BF's dad's) We only have him on weekends (and the time frame is highly variable - sometimes we get him Friday night and BM calls Saturday morning that she wants him back, sometimes we have him until Sunday night. Sometimes we don't get him until Sunday morning and drop him at school on Monday) He plays soccer (usually one practice and one game per week) BF usually winds up taking him to that because even though everyone else says "Ooooh, it's soooo important for him to be in sports" they also can't be bothered to drive him or attend his games. (but that's an unrelated rant about hypocrisy and unreliability from A__'s other caregivers) Warcraft is a fantasy game (orks and mages and stuff do quests to find treasure and learn skills) that was originally designed for teens and up, but it's not graphic or adult themed, so it's really popular with 8-12 yo boys. He plays about 5-10 hours of it on weekend days at the moment. 5 is a lot, but 10 is just plain unreasonable. He plays for about 2-3 hours after he gets up (he wakes us up usually around 8, I get him breakfast, then I go back to bed until about 10 and get up to shower etc) We don't mind him playing in the morning before we're up and being allowed to play in the morning keeps him from sneaking up in the night and so on. Then he wants to play it all afternoon and evening too. I can't say that I blame him, there hasn't been much in the way of toys or other things to do at my BF's place lately (A__ outgrew the toys that BF had, and every time A__ gets presents, BM wants them all at her place. BF bought him a Wii, BM said it should be at her place, etc etc. BF asked BM for some ideas of what A__ is really playing with these days and she said "I'll send some toys over" but then changed her mind and wouldn't even give ideas because "He doesn't need toys at your house. He has toys at my house" - another unrelated rant in the making) The other thing is that A__ is very very high input (ADHD in action) so it's very hard to keep him at an activity for more than a few minutes. My BF really wants to do other things with him, but BF has always been at a loss as to how to keep someone with A__'s attention span focused on something other than Warcraft. He's a good dad, but he has trouble thinking from A__'s point of view sometimes and isn't all that creative when it comes to thinking up activities for A__ to do. Which is where the other thread (Hands-on/Active ideas) comes in. A__ is pretty good about listening when we say "Only one hour of Warcraft tonight" - he sometimes stalls by starting a quest with 5 minutes left in the hour or says "but I lost two minutes when I went to the bathroom" etc, but what kid wouldn't? So now that we're working on the activities stockpile so actually have other things for him to do, and we have decided to give up on toys from BM so just go buy him some, we were thinking of starting with 5 hours of Warcraft (for a whole day) that he can earn extra 15 minute blocks for with good behaviors. After awhile, we think we'll drop it down to 4. That means the structure of the morning can stay the same (which is good because all three of us like this system) but then he has to budget his time for the afternoon and evening and it legislates that he HAS to do something else. BF works some odd shifts and we don't live together (A__ asks me each week to "stay for the whole weekend pleeeeease?" and that's why I get him breakfast and stuff). So at present it's not all that practical for us to have A__ for a more structured time, but once we get engaged and move in together (probably this summer) we plan to ask for a more regular schedule, which will help with some of our troubles stemming from unpredictable schedules.

Welcome debunny! You've already gotten some very good advice on breakfast in particular so I was going to address the situation in general. It seems to be a recurring theme here where Dad has/gets custody, but SM is the one who spends the most time with the kids, trying to maintain consistency and keep to the agreed schedule and rules, only to have her DH pop in and start making "exceptions" and un-do all of the progress SM has made. As for SS's trying to get a rise out of you, I wonder about that. My SS is only eight and has lately started arguing with me about everything, and I mean everything - if I mention a news story I read he'll try to argue with some part of it! But, he mainly does this with me, not with DH - and he only does this after weekends at BM's. I'm wondering if he's testing me. He's already said if he pushes at BM she either gives in or screams at him and spanks him. I don't know if SS is trying to see if he can make me reach my breaking point, or if he's checking to make sure that I don't push him away too. I can't imagine how a 14 year old must feel when their mother announces that she doesn't want to deal with him anymore and wants him gone. I'd have to think that he has some issues right now with maternal figures - and unfortunately it is now you who is right in that spotlight. To make matters worse, it sounds like your DH just wants to stick his head in the sand and dump most of this onto your shoulders - so of course now you look like the "bad guy" on top of being a woman - and thus likely to kick him out with almost no notice yourself. I don't have a magical solution (yet!) because we're struggling through some of our own things right now. Some of the things that have helped us are to have very clear, very well-defined, agreed upon expectations, with set penalties for violation thereof. I try to make sure that the "rules" do not involve any judgment calls - because that's when DH is most likely to want to make an excuse or an exception. So, instead of saying, for example, "room must be tidied" it would be "floor must have nothing on it but furniture, all clothes must be either in dresser if clean or hamper if dirty, bed must be made, all toys must be in toy box". SS knows exactly what to expect, and I have that clear guideline as well, so there's less of DH wandering in from work to find a room two-thirds of the way tidied and saying "Oh, I think it's pretty good - what's the problem?". Meanwhile I'm ready to pull my hair out because I've spent the past four hours with SS coming to me every five minutes saying "It's done!", when I check, the only thing he'll have done is maybe make the bed - and SS will put away one more toy and then find me again - "It's done!" Over, and over, and over. Maybe you should all sit down and come to an agreement - here is a list of foods SS can eat for breakfast. He can eat as much of them as he likes. He is not to have breakfast at school. (You may have to negotiate in "exceptions clause" because guaranteed otherwise DH will say "Oh, it was only one time! Let him go!"). Here is what will happen if SS eats breakfast at school - the cost comes from his allowance, he is required to do household chores, whatever. Done, post them, proceed. Now, it's not incumbent upon you to convince SS he needs more milk, apples are good for him, he didn't eat "enough" breakfast, or anything else. Did he eat food from "the list" or not? Did he eat breakfast at school? Yes or no, true or false? See what I mean? It's no longer your judgment that's in question - it's a clear infraction of rules and boundaries agreed upon by all of you. And the complaining about meals needs to be stopped now. I'm usually the one who cooks dinner as well, and I told DH in no uncertain terms that I was going to stop cooking entirely if I had to ever hear "Ewwwww! Yuck!" at the dinner table - it's just very bad manners. You don't have to like my cooking, you certainly don't have to praise it - but since I went to the effort to put a nice homecooked dinner on the table you'd better not disparage it while I 'm sitting right there!

My ss has some (not all but some) of these tendencies.. Some of them have changed or evolved over the years but are still there in some form He often doesn't know where a sound is coming from (I had put this to that he had ear infections as a kid and has tubes, but then I found out tubes shouldn't do that) *** Not one that he has has problems with He often doesn't realize someone is speaking - he says he just hears a sound, but doesn't realize it's talking. I had thought he was just hyper-focused on something else, but he's getting WAY better about hyper-focus and it's still happening. ***ditto but I am guessing not as bad... I will be talking to SS and unless I have grabbed his attention and make sure he makes eye contact with me ... it's like it was all just a buzzing in the backround. He forgets the meaning of everyday words frequently. Poor little guy cried the other day because he was so frustrated that he couldn't remember the word "armpit" :( ***had some difficulty with this when he was younger... sometimes still has this issue. It's like a little roadblock just popped into his head. I know he had used the word before and I know he knows what it means but it just isnt there and he will get himself frustrated. I usually just use it in several sentences and he'll catch on. His speech therapy is going very well, but our big struggle is that he doesn't hear the difference between phonemes. *** not a big problem with him right now... mostly I am sick of the 'ghetto talk' (or at least that is what I call it) He babbles a lot, much like how a baby or toddler babbles. Random, meaningless phonemes strung together... Last week, just out of curiousity, I popped my head into his room and asked "Hey, whatcha talking about, kiddo?" and his reply was "Huh? I wasn't making any noise." *** he did used to do this and it would confuse me because I would have no clue what he is talking about. Usually telling him to calm it down and sometimes take a break would solve it. It was like he was so excited about what was going on or what he was doing he just didnt take the time to form full words. Now he (quite frequently) will be moving his mouth. No sound will come out but he is definately 'talking'. I asked him the other day if he realized that he was doing that and he said 'doing what?' I have no clue how to fix that... right now I am taking a no harm no foul approach to this one. We have so many other things to work on. He can repeat your words back verbatim, but has no clue what they mean when questioned on it. For example "Put on your shoes, A__" and he looks right at you while you say it, but then he walks away... When we ask "What did I just tell you?" he can say "Put on your shoes, A__"... but when we ask what he should do with that instruction he is puzzled and has to think about it before he cheerfully exclaims "I should put on my shoes!!" and promptly does it. So I don't think it's just attitude or not listening. ***Big Big problem with SS right now. I ask what did I say... he repeats it... I ask what does that mean or what should you do... he is clueless. I mostly just make a point of asking more questions... like so what should you do... what do you think would be the next step... that way I can be sure he understood what I said in the first place. I keep telling him listening is active that means he needs to think about what is being said. Hearing is inactive ... thats just hearing words bee bop around in your head. I want you to listen to what I am saying... so I want you to think about it and repeat it in your own words (big deal) usually if he can word it in his own words he has got it. If not we know to take a step back and try again. He often doesn't know if the TV is loud or quiet. He'll be STRAINING to hear it, or covering his ears because it's blaring, but when asked "Why not turn it up/down?" he says he doesn't notice it was quiet/loud. I would chalk it up to lazy or just being a kid, but he will get up to change the lighting or get a blanket and so on. It seems like he has a physical reaction to the volume, but he doesn't have any clue how to affect change to it. Does that even makes sense? ***this could be a bigger problem ... but it could be nothing .. I have had similar situation with all of my kids not just ss with adhd... it's like it just doesnt click that oh yeah that would fix the problem. I guess it would really depend on how often it happens. Sometimes when listening to a simple instruction, he cannot carry out the task - like folding a towel "Now bring the bottom up to the top" - and he says "I was listening, but I didn't get it" He genuinely appears to be listening - he is watching, is being quiet, has attentive body language, and so on, but he just doesn't hear it. ***another big one with SS... sometimes it is like I am speaking a foreign language to him and sometimes I do find myself getting frustrated with thinking "How in the hell do I say put the lid on the tupperware container a different way..." I dont really know what the key is here ... I do know I just keep trying to think of different ways to phrase things... and often time I physically put the lid of the container while I am saying it and then he says "Oh! I thought..." and then I take it off and say here you go. I feel like it defeated the purpose of asking him do it for me in the first place but I would rather get him to understand directions than get upset over having to put the 'lid on the container' myself I honestly dont know anything about auditory processing disorder so I dont know the answer there. But, my ss with adhd has some of these problems/concerns. It is mostly just a day to day thing for us. We know what it takes to get certain things across... ie eye contact or he isnt listening and we make sure other know this. Since he is getting older I am more and more pointing out things like SS, you know you will forget these things if you dont write them down, so you need to write them down... and ss you know you are not listening if you arent making eye contact so make eye contact... take the initiative. My theory is that we are not always going to be able to tell teachers and coaches what his deal is. He needs to realize it and take control of it in order to benefit his life in the long run.