Big hole in the road

18 years ago

That was the last thing my dad said to me....Looks like we hit a big hole in the road...while I was trying to get him back to bed before he went into the coma and passed away 2 days later. This was April 21st of 2007. Some days I just don't want to live. I wish I could have done more for him,but I was taking care of him,my mother and my son who has a number of disabilities. Life goes on for everyone around me.My father passed away here at home and every day I have to go past his room.Mom keeps the light on over his desk and when I get up every morning I'm still startled by the light under his door.I stick my head in the door and tell him I love him and miss him. I'm trying so very hard to climb out of this pit I'm in but can't find the strength to go on anymore. Counseling doesn't help.I'm busy all day taking care of my mom who is deaf and almost blind.And my son who has a number of disabilities that are behavioral.I can't put up the good fight anymore. I keep hearing my Dad's voice saying that "It doesn't get any better then this". Which was one of his favorite lines. I need him to tell me that there is a light at the end of the tunnel or at least tell me that everything will be ok. The pain in my heart and soul is so great. How does it get better??

I'm sorry for posting here but where else can I find anyone who understands the pain.

I'm not ashamed to post this and I am so tired of deleting portions of my life that are important to me.I feel better for letting this out.

Thank You all and Take care.

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Comments (2)

superkala18
18 years ago
The only thing i can tell you is that it doesn't get any better, but it sure does get different. You will still hurt because he was ur father, but the pain starts to slowly go away. It may seem that your in this pit and your never going to get out, but you will. All you got to do is take it day by day. I'm sorry, i really don't know what else to say...i was never really good at this stuff..

My grandmother passed away almost a year ago, and i was very very very very close to her. I told her all my secrets and shared thoughts about my future. She was like a mommy to me. Then, one day she died in a horrible way. So, a couple days after she passed away, i was crying in the morning around 5am, and i asked God to give me a sign that she was okay, to give me some kind of proof. I cried myself to sleep. In my dream, i saw myself sleeping and right next to me laying down was my grandmother. I was so shocked, and i was thinking to myself, "how can this be? She's dead!". So, i walked on over to the other side of the bed, and i start crying because it's really her! She looked at me, and she grabbed me hugging me so tight and said, "is this enough proof for you?". And, i didn't know what to say..i was just hugging her and kissing her. Everytime i visit my grandfather i always go into my grandmothers room and just lay there and tell her how much i miss her, how much i miss her hugs. I do believe that your father is up in heaven with my grandmother, and they are surely taking care of eachother. So, don't worry..your father is there with you..you just can't see him :)
Dora Vann Snider
18 years ago
Do you have anyone that could relieve you for a few hours, or a day, or a week? Sounds like you need to get away from the extreme pressure you are under for awhile. You need some rest.

Have always heard that God doesn't put more on us than we can bear, but sometimes it seems like we just can't take any more...then we do.

I lost my daddy in 1985 to a sudden heart attack. I was an only child and the apple of my daddy's eye. We loved each other so much. Still miss him every day, but the pain has gotten easier. Some years are easier than others on the anniversary date, but for some reason this year (Sept.3) was extremely hard. I played it over and over in my mind as to what I could have done differently at the time of his death.
Finally accepted the fact that he is gone and that my love for him will live on.

Dora Lou
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Big hole in the road

Comments (2)

superkala18

Dora Vann Snider

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