Lost my mother suddenly, tragically and too soon. :-(

14 years ago

On August 17th my Mother was killed and it was devastating to say the very least. She was trying to cross a railroad crossing by foot and was hit by an Amtrak traveling 70 mph.

I cannot make since of this accident.

I want answers but none of them will bring her back, so why do I even bother?

I'm starting some grief counseling this Saturday because I am finding it more and more difficult to go about my day, to be a mother to my three children.

My mother was only 54 years old. I am 32. My kids are 2, 3 1/2 and 15. The 15 year old is technically my nephew, but I got custody of him 10 years ago. So he's mine.

It's a loooooong and complicated story starting with my Mother being a drug addict and me leaving home at 15, then the custody battle when I was 23.

To sum up, my mother and I did have a relationship and were deeply in love with one another, but there was a lot of unnecessary distance over the years due to the custody situation with my oldest. I had some terms set up, such as she had to be straight during visits....and, now that she was ripped away from me, I just want to go back and have one more visit.

The guilt hit me hard. I cannot focus on anything else but her death. It's the last thing I think about before falling asleep, the first thing I think about when I wake up and pretty much all day long besides an occasional distraction.

I miss her so much. She had her problems, but she was an amazing person and very valuable to me. She turned to drugs when her daughter died, when I was three years old. She had a newborn who was 3 months premature and only lived 13 days. The doctor gave her nerve pills to help her sleep and it just got worse and worse and worse. Her own mother died when she was 17 years old, just after she had given birth to my older sister (the drug addict). And her father (my grandfather) molested my mother and her two sisters when they were girls.

She was dealt a really bad hand in life and coped the best she could, she was the best Mom she could possibly be giving the pain she was exposed to and the subsequent decisions she made to deal with that pain.

My little ones are always asking me to stop crying. I tried to get back into my routine by going to the gym and I ran out crying. I cry in my car. A good day is one in which there are fewer tears, but there are still no smiles. Will I smile again? I know life will never be the same, but I was so happy before and I don't want my kids to get short-changed, I don't want my pain to become theirs.

Today makes 10 days since she was killed. I don't know what to do. Do I try to live life as usual or do I just stop doing everything and let the pain run me over...?? Looking forward to counseling this Saturday.

Hugs to everyone who has lost someone dear to them, it's the worst kind of pain there is.

Comments (8)

katyroadpink
14 years ago
I don't have any answers but you have my heartfelt sympathy. I think losing someone so unexpectedly, when you think you'll have them for years, is doubly painful. I hope things get easier for you with each day.
katsdaughter
Original Author
14 years ago
Thank you so much. I found a book last night titled, Motherless Daughters, and it is helping me. Apparently I am now a member of a really sad club. Today was actually an okay day (considering) and that gives me hope. My husband was off of work and I don't have the patience right now when my terrible two yr. old and my toddler start fighting over stuff, so he is picking up the slack.
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what a shock and tragedy for your family... I'm so very sorry. You're right, she was way too young. Everything you're feeling is normal. Try not to worry too much about not having time for grieving -- it will come and you'll have the chance you want to sit by her grave and talk to your wife. There are no rules to grieving... just do the best you can, as you are, and it will work out and you'll work through it as you can. Give yourself and your son whatever you need and whatever feels right for comfort. Try to let go of the guilt -- it's very natural, but it serves no one, and it can eat you up. Your wife loved you and your son and I know, even without knowing you and your wife at all, that if she had the chance to come back even for a minute, she'd tell you not to worry about all the broken promises and unfinished business. All that matters is the love. Grieving is a very difficult process. Don't try to force it and don't let others make you feel you should be "done" grieving. If you can and want to, find a counselor -- minister, therapist, whomever -- to talk to -- it will help you get some of the feelings out and although it won't make the pain go away, it will help to share it. A good counselor will support you, and help you see that what you're going through is normal. But most of all, as others have said, be patient and gentle with yourself, and give yourself all the time you need to get through this. And you will get through it, even though right now it probably feels like you never will. It may feel that way for a long time, but you will. I've been there and I've watched enough other people to know that you do get through it. One thing I've learned as I've lost people I love: the depth of my pain is a measure of the depth of my love. I always found solace in that. That knowledge doesn't make the pain go away, but it makes it more acceptable, somehow, or at least it did for me. Your life, and your son's life, won't be the same, but you are both enriched because of the love of your wife -- as hers was by the love of you and your son. I send you and your son my deepest sympathy.
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Thank you all for the encouragement. No we can not be friendly after everything he was cruel some of the things he said were unforgivable and beyond hurtful they were evil. I do not know why he turned in to what he is now but he is not the same man. His family I tried to stay with but they just accepted her with out a problem oh I am sure they told Tom they did not approve. I took care of his granm and cleaned her behind and bathed he and healed bed sores for months, his father loved me and was a good friend he died several years ago. If they needed me I was there, they had a choice to say they would not accept her. He left May 25 and wa moved in with her by July and we weren't separated (I did not know) he kept me hanging on for months. I have met a nice man he knows what I am dealing with, he is supportive and he is very good to me. My family likes him alot my mom especially, he was with me when she died. You are right women are strong stronger than men. I was strong enough to take care of my mother alot during her sickness. I am a nurse so I know what she was going thur. I kept my promise, I bathed her and made her look good as possible before she died. She was on a respirator and before my father saw her when she was going I kept that promise. Bob was with me all thur it. I am seeing a doc and am on meds changed several times. In the four years I have had to get my son off drugs, he started using when his father tip over our family. Tom knew he was using but did nothing(my son lived with them and stayed away from me because I would of known and done something) when I finally got to him he weighed 117 and 5'10. He is in school(college) now and with me doing great I am so proud. No I am not making all this up on the stress scale I win top number. I am not sure how I deal with it. Some days I don't I have pity parties. I have started knitting and giving the afghans and things to my family and nursing homes. Believe it or not Sept.22 I have to have a total r knee replacement. Bob is going to take care of me (bless his heart). Please put me in your thoughts. Deb
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Kelley, I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your father. I can't say I understand the pain you are going through (no one can because everyone's grief is different). And I haven't lost my father, But all I can say is that I am glad you were able to spend the last moments/seconds of his life with him & say goodbye. So many people don't get that opporunity. It is precious time. I held my little boy in my arms as he breathed his last breath & I am so grateful I had the chance to hold him & tell him how much I loved him as I had to say goodbye before he was taken away. As heartbreaking as it was (and how that 2 weeks in the hospital will live with me forever), I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. It was so hard for me to get out of bed for a long time after. And everyday when I look at the clock and it says 8:23am (the time he died). I relive that moment again. Just take each moment at a time & do what you can do to get through. As hard as it is to believe it right now, it will get easier to get through each day. I didn't believe it when everyone said it at first but it does get easier. I still have days that are worse than others but I also have more days where I can be happy & know my son is with me wherever I go & wouldn't want to see me sad. Keep in touch here..This place helped me right from the beginning. I was so glad to find it & glad you did too! Take care of yourself!
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My daughter and I are just finishing up a project of doing over one of the empty bedrooms as a guest room. It's been a better experience than I was anticipating. My daughter surprised me with her degree of flexibility and cooperation. She and I are both very opinionated and our tastes overlap some but she tends more toward contemporary and I lean toward country/traditional. I was worried we'd get into a conflict over it, but we've done great! I wanted purple for a paint color, but she talked me into blue. That was fine, my husband's favorite color is blue so I thought it was about time we did something in a color he likes. Then we went to the paint store together and we were pretty close on the color shade we wanted. When we got to the store, we both decided to go by the rule of choosing one shade lighter than you think you need and we both LOVE the color, now that it's done! She liked a contemporary duvet cover and I didn't hate it, but I feel deprived without florals. [g] So, in a stalemate, she asked what her father liked. She's been very mindful that the room is at our house and we should like it. Very thoughtful of her. So when I gave him the choices he chose the exact duvet cover I wanted, without knowing it was that one. I was very surprised. Now that the room is just about done, my daughter likes the duvet cover as much as I do. She wants roman shades on the windows and I like that idea too, but I LOVE lace at the window. Since I had lace panels in the house and it's not winter yet, we put them up for the time being and she really likes them now too...lol. And I'll take my time finding some roman shades before winter. We have influenced each other in a positive way and now we all like the room. It's SO good to have a room done, but who ever said, do one room and nothing motivates you more to start fixing everything was so right. My father used to say the same thing. My mother would suggest they start painting and he would always begin by saying 'No, you paint one room and you end up painting the whole house and replacing the carpet, etc.' It's very noticeable that we need to paint the rest of the first floor now. It has been 15 years since we painted last. [g]
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socal2010
14 years ago
I lost my Mom suddenly 6 weeks ago due to health issues, so I understand part of what you're feeling. It's hard dealing with unexpected deaths or tragic accidents. From what I've learned in the grief group I attend, you have to let yourself feel the pain or it will come back later in a worse way. So I kind of think it's too soon for you to go back to your normal routine, although I would never give anyone advice since this is all so very individual.

This sentence you wrote struck me...."She was dealt a really bad hand in life and coped the best she could, she was the best Mom she could possibly be giving the pain she was exposed to and the subsequent decisions she made to deal with that pain."......I think it's very healthy that you acknowledge the cards your Mom was dealt and give her credit for coping the best she could, yet you also know that she made decisions in the way she coped too. This is a healthy way to look at it.

It sounds like you were very close and I know how hard it is to lose a Mom you are close to. I hope you can find some joy and strength with your husband and kids.
lynn_d
14 years ago
Katsdaughter, I am so very sorry that your heart is so heavy and so sad. I know how you feel, I love my mom very suddenly on July 31 and my heart is broken.

Bless your heart, I hope that you find peace and strength.
mariend
14 years ago
One thing I try to remember with my Mom is she did the best she thought she could to raise myself and my brother. I won't go into anything, no violence, etc but just complete lack of teaching us anything, allowing us to do what we wanted to do, never taught me how to cook, sew etc. My grandparents were wonderful and I begged to live with them How do you show love, when non is shown you.
I would suggest both grief counseling for you and your family. Even the children will benefit because they will understand why you cry so much. Could it be from a little guilt--if I only??? You could start a daily journal--good and bad, even it is only one thought a day. Are their other relatives you could talk to? Are their other support groups? Someone who you could call and say--I am having a real bad time?
Sending hugs for you and your family
katsdaughter
Original Author
14 years ago
Yesterday was an okay day. Today was not so okay. When I was alone in my car I cried to her. 16 days, seems like yesterday...I know in 20 years I'll be feeling the same way.
lynn_d
14 years ago
That's a way of life for me too, Katsdaughter....it seems that it is those unexpected things that bring me crashing down. I opened the fridge and there was a pound of butter (the only reason I keep butter is for when she came for dinner) or spying a sweater that I know she would love, or the smell of sauerkraut. Today is a bad day, tomorrow may be better.
kms4me
14 years ago
Katsdaughter,

The best thing you can do is what you HAVE been doing, and that is to break that terrible chain. You feel pain and empathy for your mom and grandmother, but you are raising your kids (bless you for the nephew who has become your own, he is a very lucky child, as you are to have him) in a way that your mother and grandma were not able to do.

Even those of us without the severe issues you had with your mom have regrets, second thoughts, etc, when a parent passes. For you to have risen above it, well, even though you aren't my daughter, I would be proud of you, and I know your mother and grandma would be too.

Grief doesn't have a timetable or an expiration date. Though your kids are distressed over your sadness, there is grief counseling (even our humble souls on the internet), that you can cry to, pound tables over, share sad stories with, maybe even some happy ones.

You cared about her and loved her deeply. You accepted her mistakes, her problems, and still loved her intensely. You were and are a very good daughter.

Kate

Lost my mother suddenly, tragically and too soon. :-(

Comments (8)

katyroadpink

katsdaughter
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Lost my mother suddenly, tragically and too soon. :-(

Comments (8)

katyroadpink

katsdaughterOriginal Author

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socal2010

lynn_d

mariend

katsdaughterOriginal Author

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katsdaughter
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katsdaughter
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