This is an unfortunate but all-too-common situation. Many elders with dementia cause these kinds of problems for caregivers. And it can be worse; some caregivers can find themselves in legal trouble, being accused of/charged with elder abuse. It's a horrible situation in which to be. Your niece has been targeted by your mother; that is red flag behavior. Now if everyone in the family knows what is happening and agrees that your mother has dementia and that is what is causing her behavior, then the situation might not be a problem. But what if there is a relative, neighbor, friend who has his/her own personal agenda and would like your niece to find herself in trouble? A simple call to Social Services is all is takes. This kind of situation happens quite a lot, especially in very dysfunctional families. It sounds like I'm paranoid and perhaps I am, but I've read about too many instances of good people finding themselves in hot water, appearing before the court claiming their innocence, and having to hire criminal defense attorneys just to clear their name. And the ironic thing is that the people who make these accusations usually do nothing to find out the truth of the matter. They remain vocal critics but do nothing to get the caregiver's side of the story or to help provide any caregiving responsibilities. It seems that the more dysfunctional the family dynamic, the greater the likelihood that some legal mischief will occur. So be sure to protect your niece from any spurious accusations, even if they are from a relative with dementia. Look into consulting with a Geriatric Case Manager to find our the best possible solution to this situation. It will be well worth your time and investment to do so. God bless, Mary Ruff-King

Hi! I'm back for an update. It's been almost a year since I posted this asking for advice and so much has changed. The property that my grandmother owns is now in litigation. One of those 'golden' children is suing because they say it was 'promised' to them. So now grandma even has more of a headache because she has legal fees, depositions and an upcoming trial that she is having to prepare for. Of course her lawyer says that there is no case and that they will not win. However it cannot be sold until litigation is complete. My relationship with my grandmother has gotten much better AND she is actually enjoying spending time with me and my family to give my mom a break. She comes over and sits and watches tv with me and the kids make her feel like a million bucks with all of their coloring and 'gifts' that they make for her. My older daughter enjoys helping to fix grandma's hair and likes to help her open doors and things like that. Smothering my grandma with love has seemed to work in the last few months. Her relationship with my mom has gotten better. She is still pretty mean but she no longer calls the other siblings to complain about my mom. She will snap at my mom but quickly apologizes. She has seen the devotion that my mother has for her and I think that has really changed her. As the weeks and months go on, my grandmother becomes even more confused about things and that is very frustrating for her but she leans on my mom where this time last year she would lash out at my mom. She actually enjoys being around my dad too. Our family dog passed a few months ago and my grandma took it pretty hard. We didn't realize how attached she had become to the dog but she tells us that in the afternoon the dog would go in and sit in her room and watch the kids walking home from school through the window. They bonded which is not something my grandmother is good at. The passing of the dog seemed to bring her closer to my dad which has really surprised us all. She says I love you a lot. She says thank you to my mom. I've caught her calling my mom honey and sweetie which are not names my grandmother ever uses. One sibling has stepped up. Well his wife has stepped up but at least my mom has help now. My parents have been able to travel on three vacations which they had not done in over a year and they were travelers before my grandma moved in. My grandma stays with my uncle and wife for several weeks and actually misses home. That's right she calls it 'home' now. The situation is not perfect but it seems to have gotten better. With her acceptance of how her life his now, she seems to be much happier. She doesn't want to go to a home and so I think with the fear of that happening she has straightened up a bit. She still has those moments but she seems to realize when she has been ugly and shows remorse. She actually sits in the living area with family instea of shutting herself off in to her room. The dr's say she is doing well. She had a scare not that long ago but seems to be much better now. I'm not sure what changed my grandma but she is not the miserable old lady she was last summer. She is a much nicer person who allows her family to love her and help her. Just wanted to give an update.

Just getting hear to read of your loss. I remember my trip to Philly several years ago when you and I made plans to meet for lunch --- you had to cancel our plans at the last minute and we didn't get to meet because your mom broke her glasses or something, and had no one but you to help her. You were a great daughter and I'm sure she knew that. My thoughts are with you today. You know, I think there is something special about those last rites. When my uncle got his last rites he had been completely "out of it" for a couple of days--hadn't spoken or moved voluntarily at all. And when the Bishop finished with them, my Uncle made the sign of the cross! And my dad was about to leave us at any second, then he got his last rites and kind of perked up for a couple of days (we were beginning to think we were a little premature with calling the Priest). I think it just gives people a sense of peace and acceptance after the last rites.

You might want to consider non-meal items as well. Protein drinks and even yogurt. Greek yogurt (Fage and Oikos are two brands) are very high in protein and smooth. I mix in a little Splenda and cinnamon. You could also mix in a little cocoa powder. Isopure Dutch Chocolate is a good protein powder. 210 calories and 50 grams protein. It tastes like chocolate milk, but less "rich". Cream of chicken soup, any creamy soups in fact, might be good. Ricotta cheese is good. You can even heat it in a little dish and put a little spagetti sauce on it if she can tolerate tomato (Hunts has sauce in very small cans). Cottage cheese is good also.