Thank you! By the way, I did want to share 2 plants that we were utterly transfixed by. We bought them both on a fluke in October 2012 because some of the plants we planned were not available. They are Scaevola Amula 'PUrple Fan' and Dipladenia (the pink 'shrub like' one). Both available at Mariposa Nursery in Bradenton - right by Lakewood Ranch. They have both literally bloomed NON STOP since October. The Scaevola Amula 'Purple Fan' is a low growing ground cover (about 6") with purple flowers - its created a swath of non stop purple on a slight birm we have - it gets sun in the morning and late afternoon (bright dappled shade midday). Each plant has spread about 1 to 3 feet. They are not competing with the Salvia or Angelonia planted next to them and instead create a purple carpet. The Dipladenia pink we put right next to our pool cage - they have dark green shiny leaves and dozens and dozens of pink flowers (pink range in color from pale to deep rosy pink on same plant). They are about 2 1/2 to 3' tall and about 2-3' wide (the brances arch up and outward). Again -- they have flowered non stop since October. This area is in bright shade until around 11am and then dappled sun / direct sun in afternoon. I wanted to share these two as I spent months researching on Gardenweb before buying over a thousand plants and as noted, these 2 were just flukes ... they've turned out to be the best non stop color so far (Oct-April...we'll see how summer goes). The Blue Daze and Lantana Alba (low growing) have also flowered non stop but the Scaevola is more flashy then the subtle tiny flowers of Blue Daze and the Lantana goes through phases of kinda looking ratty. The Scaevola and Dipladenia are prettier and have required absolutely zero maintenance. Sorry for the long email -- its just exciting to be able to share something that worked ;->!!!

Hi Lori, I've been thinking alot about your family this season too. It's good to hear about you and the kids and that you are moving through things as best you can. A family in our community suffered a tragedy like yours about a month ago and I can only hope that they have the strength and support to weather things with the fortitude and aplomb that you have in this difficult time. I know you have no designs on being an example but you have been in so many ways. I wish you and your family peace in the new year, and I thank you for all you've shared with us in dealing with a family tragedy, it gave me the appropriate ways to help and support another family too. You are amazing, my heart and hope goes out to you and your children. I hope the new year holds a wealth of joy and new hope for you and the kids!

My take, 15 years ago. . . to the present. Some things have slightly changed for SMs, and some things have not, and some things have a long way to go. What is a potential SM supposed to look for nowadays? There really is no one set of answers. There are just too many extenuating factors to take into consideration, and still much of the advice out there for SMs is based on long-held presumptions and assumptions, and much of it is based on what largely non-SMs think should work vs. what actually may. Very few, even amongst professionals, take into consideration SM’s main role as dad’s wife or SO and instead seem to only want to focus on the “mom” part of SM. Because of this, for years and years SMs have been looked at almost solely as competitors to mom or competitors to SKs for dad’s attention, and SMs have traditionally been treated abrasively and judged harshly because of it. The reality is, most SMs just want to be dad’s wife or SO, and welcoming to the children. I’ve been a SM for over 15 years now, and I still can’t really help much with the “How do you make it work?,” question. What I can tell you is that as a SM, or even potential SM, you need to do what works for you, because there is so much bad or contradictory advise out there, it is unbelievable. What works in one step-situation might not work in another, because there may be a huge difference in the many factors that go into making a step-situation work. I often even refer to SP’ing as a crazy backwards world, because things that no woman or wife would be expected to take in a typical family situation, for some reason a SM is expected to take and with no questions asked. In the year 2018, everyone knows spouses and even SOs are to be seated together at events. This is just a given, isn’t it? Not with SMs, that’s for sure.! You can be married to your husband for years and years and it can still be a crap shoot whom someone will try to pair with your husband at a family event, no permission needed. You’ll both just attend an event, and, surprise!, everything will be arranged like your husband and his ex- are still a ‘joined at the hip twosome’ and you (SM) simply do not exist. This is just one example. Follow your instincts. If something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t. Look out for yourself. Most people will probably tell you something like, “Just be nice to the kids, and it will all work out,” or something similarly sappy. It sounds like common sense, and I would have thought the same before I became a SP, but that’s another thing. . . a lot of what sounds like common sense doesn’t work in step-world. There are studies that show that the nicer a SM is, the more the kids may start to despise her, because their loyalties are to mom, and they’ll just automatically look at SM as competition for mom. This is especially true if BM encourages them to think such, which certainly can occur. There is no way you can change anyone’s mind in this situation. You can’t control BM; nor should you be expected to. This is where you need a STRONG husband/ DH. He needs to put his foot down from day one that you are his SO and his children are to treat you as dad’s wife, and not as mom’s competition. Sounds simple enough, but so many divorced men with children fail on this one it is unbelievable. Too many of these men wind up treating their wife or SO like a child and their child more like a spouse. Even little things like letting his son or daughter sit in the front seat next to him ALL the time while you’re in the back, could send the message to the kids that they are dad’s significant other and not you. Children deserve to have all the love in the world, but they are not SOs and they are not wives. You combine a lot of these SM in the back type situations, along with guilty dad syndrome and BM’s PAS’ing, and next thing you know, you start to feel like the servant they are treating you as, and then when you go to one of your married friends to complain, she tells you that you need to understand more and give them space and not put your DH in the middle. In reality, not only are YOU the one being put in the middle, but you are also being put in the middle of someone else’s divorce/ fallout. There is no way you should be put in the middle of this and no way you can correct this. Only your DH can. Not trying to sound sour, but trying to get all to see that there is no way a SM should have to settle for being sloppy seconds just because her husband has children from a previous relationship. If as a SM, you feel like you are being the family servant or scapegoat or can never do anything right, or everyone is telling you you need to suck it up for the “family,” these are all signs that your DH is letting you take the fall, among other things. One might expect that of BM or even SKs, but very few women ever expect that once they get heavily involved with or marry, that their DH could so easily shrug his shoulders and let his wife or SO take the fall in reference to his family pretty much every time. In the end, the only advice I can really give any SM, is make sure you have a strong and true and tried DH before you ever marry him. You’ll need at least that. There is really no way to guarantee your success as a SM, as success largely depends on bio-mom and bio-dad, and less on SM or the SKs. And, remember: Manipulative, controlling BM and weak, enabling DH almost surely means Step Hell for life.

I haven't tried the gelatin cakes, but have made peanut butter ones. This recipe was in Southern Living magazine years ago. In their article, they cut out shapes with cookie cutters to make outdoor ornaments for the birds at the holidays. Squirrels will eat them also -- makebe carry them away if they can get them free. I used the recipe to cut squares to fit in my suet feeders and I sometimes add seed or nuts to the mixture. Bird Cakes Melt together in a large pan over low heat (stirring so it won't scortch) 2 cups vegetable shortening or lard 2 cups peanut butter Stir in 2 cups flour (whole grain preferred) 6-8 cups of cornmeal Pour mixture into a greased 13x9 pan (line with a sheet of waxed paper for easier removal). Let cool or chill to solidify, then cut into squares to fit your feeder. A 13x9 pan makes thicker cakes, so you can use a larger one for thinner pieces. You can add bird seed, peanuts or nnuts to the mixture -- just not too much or they will crumble.