So alone

16 years ago

Eleven Weeks ago today I lost my husband. The pain seems to be getting worse. I am still trying to take care of paperwork issues that crop up. I have gotten some of this things cleared out and donated as he would have wanted and I am trying to take care of things around the house. I don't have any family here so I am completely on my own. Not where I dreamed I would be at age 50. I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life; but then again I can't even think of being with anyone other than my precious husband, the joy of my life. Everything is so hard. I hate not having anyone to depend on. I think the worse thing is coming home to an empty house. He was not able to work and could not get out much. So, he was always here when I got home. This pain is unbearable. I know you all feel the same, I also know there is not really anyting anyone can do to make anything better. People keep saying it will take time...but,somehow I don't think "time" is going to change what I am feeling. I depended on him so much. No one, not even my wonderful parents have ever understood me the way he did. I just dont know how I am going to survive.

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Comments (4)

mav63_2007
16 years ago
I am so,so sorry for your loss. I lost the love of my life 3 1/2 years ago and you are right, time won't change the way you are feeling but the pain will be less accute over time. Your message could be mine exactly, we lived for each other for 41 years. Having family and friends is wonderful but when you close your door at night he is not there to tell him about your day. In the beginning I joined a breavement group which was very helpfull. Because of my faith I know that we will be together again forever one day and that's what keeps me going.
I sincerely wish I had words that would make you feel better, just know that he still loves you too and always will.
sylviatexas1
16 years ago
I'm so sorry.

When you feel overwhelmed & alone, remember that you are having to re-learn yourself:
you've been half of a couple, & now you have to give yourself time & opportunity to learn to be a "one" again.

It seems to me that the best way to do this is to get involved in some project or ideal that you & your husband didn't do as a team, maybe something that you put aside during your marriage.

It's not the same thing, I know, but when I got divorced & felt alone & "fish-out-of-water"-ish, I started sewing like a maniac.

That summer, I had a closetful of beautiful sundresses & shorts & tops, & from there I went on to quilting, which introduced me to an entire circle of quilting friends.

I also started going to church & volunteered for things so that I knew that people were depending on me.

I volunteered to help paint the nursery,
I volunteered to help with the landscaping,
I volunteered to work at the garage sale.

One of my new quilting friends had been widowed a couple of years before, & she was a "volunteer grandmother" at a nearby elementary school;
she read to the children, had conversations with them (kids *love* to have actual conversations with adults), encouraged them with their reading & math & art.

She said it connected her with a whole new generation, which, after all, is the substance of life.

Also, when you're feeling alone & vulnerable, it's very easy to jump into a new relationship too fast, with whatever person happens to come along, & that's almost alwaysa big disaster in the making.

If you find yourself daydreaming about some man who flashed you a smile in the supermarket & you go to the store every single day so maybe you'll "accidentally" bump into him & fate will take a hand & you'll wind up married happily ever after within a short time, just repeat to yourself...

"Look how that worked for Paul McCartney".

I wish you the best.
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Shutterbug, I can't tell you in words how much I identify with what you have written. I'm a 31 year old male and my father passed when I was 25. I wish I could tell you that it gets easier but it doesn't it...but it's up to you how you internalize that. Whenever I start to cry (right now) as a result of the horrible images associated with my father's death, I do my best to remember that he is/was/always will be worth the tears. You get one father in this life and that crap will always f' you up if you were close but it's one of those things...is it better to have never loved or to have loved and lost? No right answer here - just telling you what works for me. What does not jive is cheaping your experience by taking an antidepressant. I started taking Paxil when my father was at a hopeless state of treatment (24yrs old) and still can't get off those sob's. Sure they help my mood but getting off them is like trying to quit heroine (not that I've ever tried). In short, I wish you all the best in your recovery. If you ever need a penpal regarding the subject, you've got one (joedam66@aol.com) Lots of love, Joe
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Hello all... thanks for all the kind words. I am still trying to struggle through the day. Somedays I am ok, but others not that great. It was her birthday on October 20th. She would have been 64 or "39" as she would have said. We went to the park and fed the ducks... she always liked to do that. I also brought daisys and popped the tops off and placed them in the water. I miss the way that I would call her and she would be willing to go with me on what ever adventure I wanted to go on that day. She was always there for me. I know I am lucky to have a person like that and that it was my Mom, but it hurts no less. I am trying to build a new "normal". It is rough though because everything I do reminds me of her. I started to move around furniture in our house and I was thinking that everything I touched we bought together. She was a great decorator and I have no decorating sense at all. I just wonder when the feeling that I am completly lost and alone will go away. The holidays are coming and I hate it. I think we are going to plan a vacation at Christmas so I don't have to think about it. I don't know about Thanksgiving. Mom used to make the best mashed potatoes. This is so freaking hard. I think I am going to check into counseling again. It is so hard because I put on a strong face when I am out, but crumble when I get to my car or at home. I talk to my husband, but I don't think he really understands. What do you all do for the holidays?? Any ideas on how to get through them?
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taunia1
16 years ago
It's almost as if I wrote your posting. He was 52 and I am 53. We have a 10 yr. old son. He was my best friend and the love of my life. We went on a blind date and never looked back. We were married 14 years. I'm sorry you don't have anyone there close by. I feel pretty alone. I still tell him when I come through the door that I'm home, and kiss his pic and tell him good night and that I love him before I go to the bedroom and sleep. I am having such a hard time sleeping; when I think of him, it's excruciating at times. Please take care. Taunia.
socks
16 years ago
Deepest condolences, and I'm sorry you are suffering so so much. Eleven weeks is not a very long time, and the loss is still very fresh. I can only imagine how empty your home must feel. What happened, was his death sudden?

Susan

So alone

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mav63_2007

sylviatexas1

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