I'm not a mom, not raising daughters, but I am a girl and I too was extremely shy and socially uncomfortable. I still am to an extent, although I have learned what to do in order to overcome my discomfort in social situations. Still, there will surely always be a part of me that remains introspective and tends to draw back from others when I feel I need to. I no longer see that as a bad thing, though. It's simply part of what makes me me. It is my own temperament.

I think you're right -- how you guide your daughter in any given situation is going to depend largely upon her temperament and emotional makeup, and of course that still remains to be seen since she is so young. I do completely understand your desire to protect her from the pain that you remember experiencing growing up, but I just don't think that's always possible. That's part of what makes us human, and is part of how we grow, learn, develop. Certainly you strive to instill in your girl a strong sense of who she is as a unique, special, wonderful person and you encourage her with every ounce of your being to pursue her dreams and goals. Beyond giving the love and nurture and encouragement that I think most parents truly try to give, though, the bottom line is that she's still gonna have to muddle her way through adolescence and beyond, and it will in all likelihood be awkward and painful along the way. Maybe not as much as it was for you -- hopefully not -- but she'll have to make her way and walk the journey for herself as she matures into adulthood.

I know that there were times when I felt pushed to do things when I was a kid that made me very uncomfortable. Sometimes it was the right thing to be pushed; sometimes it was excruciating and took quite awhile to get over. I think when you're a parent you must learn when to push, and when to allow your child to simply retreat. You definitely don't push all the time, nor do you allow the child to continually run from things that are outside her comfort zone. It's a fine line. But you'll catch on to how it's done. You'll make mistakes too, but that's ok. You won't permanently harm her.
;-)

You sound like such a concerned, loving, and open mom. I wish you all the best.

Blessings on you for being so concerned and for looking ahead. (((Lyfia)))

I think that if your daughter turns out to be very shy, you are in a unique position to support her, accept her as she is and just hear her. I really believe that's mostly what kids want when they are struggling...to simply be heard. We don't need to fix them...just to get who they are. When the outside world doesn't understand, it is important to have a refuge at home.

As for all of the challenges involving motherhood, particularly parenting a girl child, I really think it is helpful to heal your own wounds along the way if you can. I engaged in a serious 18 month stint of therapy/self-inquiry when my daughter was a toddler. I did not feel like I was equipped to be as good a mother as I wanted to be, so I worked hard to put some things behind me and grow myself as a person, not just as a mother. I am doing a little therapy again now that DD is a teenager. When we are whole and healthy as individuals, we can be our best in relationships.

If you have any lingering feelings of self-doubt about who you are and the way you feel, or old baggage about things that happened in the past, I encourage you to work on those issues. Doing the work to be emotionally healthy sets a good example for those around us, especially our daughters. We need to set an example for them...to be strong, to love ourselves the way we are and to not be afraid to look inside our hearts and minds for the answers.

I have worked with parents on issues around bullying and other kinds of peer aggression. Usually the parents who come to the talks and classes are not the ones who needed to be there. Moms of bullies usually do not show up. The fact that you are asking these questions now means you are probably going to be a much better parent than most. :-)

Just relax! And if you feel crazy, get your thyroid checked. Seriously, mine shut down after my DD was born and I thought I was going out of my mind. It was just my thyroid...

Enjoy your baby girl. It's a cliche, but the years do speed by ever so quickly.

I raised two girls, now beautiful, poised, intelligent young women. I am in awe of my daughters, to me, they are who I wanted to be when I was their age.

My girls were very dissimilar in temperment so I can't say that there is any one type of advice to give. Mainly it's to TALK to your child. You know how you felt growing up, so it's not bad to talk to your daughter about emotions and what you had to deal with as a kid. You just need to keep reminding your daughter how strong she is. And that she is special, no matter what.

A note, tho...every parent I know who has had daughters agrees...at 11 years old or so (onset of puberty) girls are horrible. Once hormones straighten out they become human again, but until then...eek!

Support her passions, give her permission to change her passions. Talk to her about life's situations. Don't let her con you. Insist she do things she needs to do. Love her and support her while she is figuring out her mistakes.

Don't buy into her insecurities. Raise the bar to the level you wish yours had been set at.

Understand she's come to you pre-programmed. There is no one who will know her better than you. You will know her strengths and weaknesses. Just don't enable her weak traits. Simply ignore them if you need to.

Encourage her to be an expert on who she is and teach her to navigate her world, according to who she is. Teach her how to make her own way and validate her anywhere you can.

Tell her your truth when it's needed and choose your battles like you are a top military strategist. When she falls, pick her up and send her out again, well fed and protected, with full confidence in her abilities. Defend her in public and debate her in private.

It helps to remember that kids need parents who are strong. Be strong in your direction and be ready for a ready (and quick) apology when you screw things up. Just do not dwell on your mistakes.

Sounds easy, huh? (It's not.) I love my daughter and how she turned out. Just relax and be flexible and do not over think. Never compare yourself to other parents. This is *your* family. This is *your* daughter. She will understand you.

My mom called babies under 3 months 'unsettled'. You are only 4 weeks in to understanding anything about her at all. Relax and learn. It's normal.

Remember, a childhood doesn't have to be perfect, just mostly good. :+)

Actually, get her involved with sports and activities like orchestra or art classes that build up self esteem. Teach her morals and self respect, that she does not have to lower herself to get others, especially boys, to like her. Encourage friendships with nice people. If you notice a friend of hers is mean, I would encourage my daughter to make new friends.

My daughter was very shy and insecure long ago when she was in pre-school. As time went on and she got involved in the track team, orchestra, art, she started to come out of her shell. Some of her friends wore too much makeup and started dating too early. I encouraged my daughter to become friends with the boys first to see if they were worthy of anything more. I did not want her to identify herself based on what some boy wanted her to be.

It all paid off. Today, at age 25, my daughter will be finishing her last year of law school. She is dating a man she met in law school who just graduated. She is still friends with the girls she knew as a child. In fact, she just saw them last weekend. She keeps in touch with everyone on Facebook too. She was always into taking lots of pictures with her friends. It's interesting even for me to see the kids that were my children's friends all grown up, some married, some with their own little ones.

Don't get stuck in your own past. Be happy you have a lovely little girl. She will blossom under your love. You do have to direct your child down the right path, teach her right from wrong. You have to protect her from crime, drugs, sex, bad influences, even bad tv and internet. Reward good behavior. Plan for her to succeed and go to college, even if you never did.

Smile and know God and Mother Mary will help you whenever you ask.

Love from Phoenix,

Eileen

WOW do we have some good moms here! :)

Fly, you are leaving yourself out here. Any girl who can hoola hoop like your girl does across the yard is an exact prescription for how to raise a daughter. Speak up, please. Include yourself now.

Oh I will be following this thread intently! I have a 9mo daughter and I felt exactly the same way as you did growing up. Thanks so much for putting this out there Lyfia!

I found a sayiong that I thought so was so perfect that I taped it up in my kitchen and sent it to my mom and sister. I'll have to post it for you when I get home.

My DD is so shy that when she was 3yo, her fingers got stuck to a desk and she just stood there for 15' w/o saying anything until the teacher found her. I took her to ballet & gymnastic & swimming and those class helped a little bit, but not much, because there isn't much social interaction during the class. I found what works best for her is a class room/ preschool environment, with a teacher who's encouraging of her participation. She has a wonderful teacher who's very good a/b getting the kids to speak up in class. I can really see the difference in her. Now she's very sociable & has no problem with oral presentation, or making friends. (though sometimes she still prefers her own company & decline play date, which I respect.)

My DS went to another pre-school where there are a lot of free play but not much circle time w/ interaction. It didn't help him at all. Kindergarten was a wash. His speech impairment adds to the problem. When he went to 1st grade he was very lucky to have a great teacher who gave him a lot of positive encouragement, and lead him onto activities & talking w/ other kids -- Now he's much better (still shy, but much better).

If you expose her early to social settings (group plays, etc.) early it's very helpful. I always try to be encouraging, but not forcing them to be out there. American culture really put an emphasis on being popular & outgoing so if a child isn't naturally sociable, he/she may feel inadequate. Boosting her confidence with lots of positive encouragement & praise helps too.

Hope this helps. Shy kids tend to be more observant & introspective, so that's a bonus in a way. My friend's kids are so sociable & rambunctious & she wish that they are more quiet & reserve (they have no problem talking to strangers which can be dangerous!) :-D

My daughter was born two months after I turned 15, in 1970. I was married (no phone or TV) and I was terrified she was going to die of SIDS, just like my neighbors baby had when I was young.

She had colic and cried a lot (so did I). I'd rock her while she screamed with tears rolling down my face. I felt like I was so unprepared and my Mom, master of all babies, seemed so very far away. (No phone and 40 minutes by car). But that baby meant everything to me and I was determined to do it right, whatever 'it' was. LOL!

I ended up loving her, talking to her, reading her a million books. We learned to roller skate together. Our social security numbers are only one number off.
I think, in the end, it was my undying confidence in her as a person that was the best gift. I never blamed her or attacked her as a person. We laugh now.

I spent my time embroidering her overalls, hippy style, while she coveted double knit polyester 'Partridge Family' clothes. White 'party dance' shoe in patent leather. So we negotiated. When it was important to me, she dressed the way I wanted her to. When it was important to her, I dressed like she wanted me to. Those times were very infrequent. Mostly I let her be a middle class kid in her double knit polyester while I dressed like I wanted.

I'm saying this because in some ways, my youth was a benefit. I never over thought situations and certainly wasn't controlling in small ways. However, her behavior was important to me. She was not to throw fits (too embarrassing), she was polite. She was to answer questions and contribute to the family (her and me) to the ability she could.

At 10, we had a chore jar for Saturdays that we'd randomly draw from. Sometimes she cleaned my room and I cleaned hers. Sometimes she'd pay bills and balance our checkbook. (She can still forge my name like she is me.)

Today, she is confidant, funny. Stands in her power. She is caring but nobodies fool. She is very special and people gravitate to her. People often think she is someone famous and ask for her autograph. (It's true!)

There is no special formula to raising your daughter. Just love them and protect them but overly so. We laugh at her participation in a talent show she was hell bent on participating in. She and her girlfriend worked out their own (disco) dance moves. Neither had taken a single dance lesson in their lives. But they entered the contest with all my support. I told her the odds were against a win but no one should have to be perfect in order to have fun. (They didn't win but it's still a great memory to this day.)

She still loves to dance. She's not afraid of the spotlight but doesn't crave it. I love the way she thinks and processes life. She isn't afraid to make an idiot out of herself at the expense of fun.

I guess my point is, if I did this at 15, you have no worries at all. Just never let her think you regret who she is. That is not fair at all. Talk about behavior, not *her*. Every daughter deserves to feel like she lights up the room you are in but don't forget the straight talks.

Teach her how to live out loud. I love this thread. (Bet you could guess. LOL!)

When Aimee was in kindergarten, I had a job that required her to be with a sitter for 2 1/2 hours a day. Her babysitter lived right next door to a dentist. (I was 20) How great. So I made her an appointment and told her what she was to do. She didn't act like or indicate it was anything she wasn't willing to do. I worked out the details with the dentist and asked her sitter to send her when it was time and she did.

Aimee went just as she was told. By herself with no complaints. She did very well until she was asked to open her mouth. She refused. No crying. No sassing. Just refused. No amount of talking could convince her that it was a good idea. Eventually the dentist gave up and sent her back to the sitter's house next door. Thinking back I can not believe how stupid that idea was. I had to reschedule an appointment for when I could be there. We laugh about this too.

There's plenty of room for errors. Just saying. :+)

Thank you ladies for sharing your stories and advice. I knew I could count on this board and the wonderful ladies here. It seems like out of the responses it is common for girls to feel that way. I would love to try to ease that for my girl if anyway possible.

I'm trying to respond individually to a few things, but forgive me as i have to type quick as she is about to wake up.

Auntjen - Thanks for sharing that you also felt that way - I was hoping to catch those who weren't necessarily parents, but are women to share what helped them too, but might not have been clear enough on that. I appreciate you jumping in.

amysrq - she will definetly have a refuge at home and I will have figure out a way to get her to talk about anything bothering her as neither DH or I were good about that as kids and DH still struggles with that. I feel like I'm fine about myself now and had really forgotten about it until I realized my little girl might be facing the same thing and I want to prepare myself and try to avoid that part. I think my mom didn't know how to do that as she is very sociable and my sister was too.

Pesky - definetly will talk to her about it if she wants to listen. I dread the puberty, but I know it can also be a wonderful time.

threegrad and bellaflora - activities sounds like good ones. What are the better ones for also allowing some socializing?

Ttodd - I would love to hear that saying and I'm sorry you felt the same way too.

flyleft - I would love to have your input.

golddust - I appreciate your input and of course I will let her be who she is. I'm just wanting ideas and advice on how to avoid her having to be facing the same issues that I did from an early age. It is not about raising her in general as that is something we'll have to figure out as we go as to what works and not. I was a very independent child and so was DH, but we were both shy and I definetly had issues with self-esteem in social situations and to even call and ask a friend for a playdate terrified me even though I knew them well. I really don't know what could have been done to help that out.

I think sports is the answer. Look how well it works for boys. Plus you get a strong body. You learn teamwork. You learn to set goals. You learn how to compete fairly. You learn good sportmanship. You learn how to win and how to lose with grace. You learn how to improve yourself, both physically and mentally.

Now there is a sport for almost everyone. Not everyone can be a basketball player but there is archery, tennis, lots of various activities that would accomplish this. And dance of course.

Also keep active in church if you can. Faith and prayer helps keep a person positive and saves him or her from depression and loneliness.

My daughter is 17 and was a very shy toddler. While she'll never be the sort of glad-hander I am, she's poised and confident in her spheres of endeavor.

I think it's important to let a girl try lots of stuff--gymnastics, swimming, dance, singing, art, team sports. If she hates something, drop it and move on. If she's pretty good, but doesn't enjoy it enough to work to improve, that's okay too. I pushed when I thought working harder would pay off, esp, when she was discouraged.

Mine was okay at soccer, good at gymnastics, lousy swimmer and dancer, excellent singer, and is going to a very cool art school in the fall. She went to the same summer day camp for years, and made friends there, who were different from her school crowd. Good to have different groups.

It's good to stay abreast of what's cool and what's not, so that you can help her make choices in hair and clothes (not like "Mom is my best pal"), but so that she doesn't look vastly different than her crowd. In middle school--fitting in is everything.

Building social skills is vital--but always within the context of her own group. Acting and looking in a way that only Grandma loves isn't going to help at school.

My biggest mistake was not having another mother to bounce stuff off. (I'd been closer to moms in my older kid's classes), and sometimes I'd miss clues that might have been useful, like who was just mean and who's house wasn't very supervised, etc. You don't have to be best pals, but developing a network of moms can be very helpful.

I was a very independent child and so was DH, but we were both shy and I definitely had issues with self-esteem in social situations and to even call and ask a friend for a playdate terrified me even though I knew them well. I really don't know what could have been done to help that out.

When my son was young (later preschool, kindergarten, early elementary) and he was facing a situation that made him uncomfortable or was unfamiliar, we'd sometimes do a role-playing game beforehand. I tried to make it fun, not too intense or serious. Often I would role play "his" part. Sometimes we'd make it a bit silly, but we'd eventually work around to the "real" issues. My son seemed to enjoy this method, it seemed to make him feel prepared and give him more confidence. He's now nearly 20 years old, and true to form he likes to feel prepared when he's going into a new situation.

Anyway, we role-played calling friends to ask them to play. We role-played being a guest in someone's home and saying "good-bye" and "thank you", we role-played what to do when you're the birthday boy and you're opening presents (if you don't like the present, etc.). It worked well for him.

My daughter didn't like to role-play. We tried it a few times, but she didn't enjoy it. She was pretty introverted and had trouble with groups, anything more than one-on-one play was "just too hard, Mommy". Nothing I tried seemed to help with her. So I just let her be, and figured she'd find her own way eventually. Fast forward to now, she's nearly 17 years old. She loves groups, people describe her as "bubbly", and for the third summer in a row she's been a camp counselor living away for much of the summer. In other words, not shy and definitely confident. She's just needed a lot of time and space to work out her own way.

So I guess my point is that some kids you can help, and some just have to find their own way.

I know you don't want your daughter to experience the pain and discomfort you felt. There may be things you can do to help that. If not, don't ever forget that sometimes it's our greatest difficulties that help mold us into becoming better people. Some of the kindest, most empathetic, thoughtful people I know as adults were painfully shy as children.

Enjoy your beautiful daughter.

I can't contribute first hand to this discussion as I have 3 boys - that's another post!

But, for those with girls especially those that are approaching teen years, I've noticed such a difference in how girls are in this current generation. I know that if I was raising a daughter, I'd want her to be an assertive and confidant young woman. But, I would also want to teach her to respect her body and have reverence for her sexuality and who she shares it with.

It seems to me that somehow in raising a more confidant group of girls we've also created a wantonness that is disturbing. Girls at a much younger age (junior high) are much more interested in sex, and being sexual and feeling powerful in their sexuality. Stories I've been told by Mom's I know just make my mouth hang open in disbelief.

The latest was a group of junior high girls who shaved their pubic areas because they were having some boys over and they wanted them to be able to slide their hand down their pants easily...

I think boys have always been on the prowl, and I'm constantly reiterating with my boys to be respectful to girls, but it makes it hard as a parent when you hear these kinds of stories.

In some cases I think parents perpetuate behavior in their kids before it naturally occurs. I am amazed at friends of mine with girls who are obsessed with them having a boyfriend - who likes who, etc. One mother at school told me the other day that she just thinks my son is so cute!! She told me they talk about him at the dinner table all the time. I know she thought she was being complimentary, but my goodness he's 11 years old - in 5th grade!

Let your kids be kids as long as possible.

Just saying, it's a day to day situation and it's subtle by nature. Hard to explain from my end. But I have three children who are able, confident and social, even though I was very, very shy. I wish I could explain it better. It's just expectation verses protection (enabling).

The dentist appointment was a great example of the kind of expectation I maintained. My kids were flying by themselves at age 5 and 6. (Of course I made detailed arrangements everywhere) and they were fully informed.

My 17 year old spent a month alone one summer in Palestine, sleeping in refugee camps. This was my very shy child who was loaded with insecurities.
But it was his idea and I thought long and hard. In the end it was totally worth it. The confidence he gained that summer is priceless.

I wish I could speak your exact language but I can't. Sorry.

Lots of great advice here.

Two other things I think are important for building self-confidence:
#1: Let her make her own (age-appropriate) choices from a very young age. When we went to a restaurant, my kids made their own choices (from the kids menu). I remember my Dad being just appalled that I didn't order for them LOL! Same thing with dressing. My kids have been completely selecting their own outfits since about age three. I might have gently suggested a change if it was really horrid, but it was ultimately their choice, so long as it was weather-appropriate. By 3rd grade, moms were calling me, saying, "My daughter wants to know where Lily gets her clothes so I can shop there." We shopped where they did, Target, the Children's Place, Old Navy, etc. But she was so experienced by that age, she was quite a fashionista at putting things together! They also chose the colors of their rooms (though I admit to giving them ten or so colors to choose from, not the whole paint store). It's very empowering for them to have this freedom. It's also a great lesson in making choices and living with the consequences. Let her pick movies, library books, food at the grocery store, etc. When a choice didn't turn out to be the best, we just handled it briefly and to the point. Life didn't stop, there were no dire consequences. I believe this builds overall confidence to make decisions later.

#2: Help them build basic skills. Let them cook in the kitchen while you monitor safety. Let them make a mess and give them the responsibility of cleaning up. I coud nearly see both of my kid's self-esteem visibly rise when they had friends over and they made brownies for them. The friends were impressed and my kids could feel that. Besides cooking, teach her to: tie her own shoes, catch and throw a ball, ride a two-wheeler, put away her own laundry, put groceries away, make her own bookcovers, make her own bed, sharpen a pencil, take a bath, wash her hair, clean a sink, get the mail, etc. Once you have taught her, and she is confident, LET her have the freedom to perform without constant supervision. Turn the oven on, and tell her to call you when it's ready to go in. Then go in the other room. Let her make a cake and forget the eggs, etc. This is the way they learn, and their sense of self is actually built when they realize this, rather than defeated when they feel they aren't pleasing you if you are directly supervising them. Above all, resist the urge to 'do it over and do it better'. If you are like me, you will have to leave the room and/or sit on your hands. But she will gain a sense of accomplishment just through the responsibility and doing of it -it doesn't have to be perfect or up to OUR standards. You don't have to overdo it, but always take the opportunity to say, "Wow, what a great job you did at... I'm so proud of the way you can..."

The fact that you are very aware of this says so much about you as a new mom, and you've probably already 99% of the way there. But I hope some of what I've shared here is helpful for the last 1%. Best of luck to you and your lovely baby girl!

I was always also out of place. I was taller than most of the kids my age (thus an easy target). I was also as my mother put it "born old." Not to go off too much but I find that many of the social settings that are kids are in do not prepare them well for the real world. It is very uncommon in life to be grouped together merely because you happened to be born in the same year. Our bodies and minds all develop at different rates and as adults we tend most often to congregate with people who have similar interests. If we were all to confess our ages I am certain there would be a wide range here. Allow your daughter to participate in real life situations that will help her to grow and learn about this world she will be asked to be a citizen of. This can include public meetings where you discuss other's behavior (later of course), social gatherings, volunteering in nursing homes, etc. One of the things I find essential is for our children, male and female, to see the scope of the world we live in. Not necessarily just foreign travel (my kids wont likely get that at home)but to understand the conditions other people endure. These things put high school into a new perspective where popularity and waist/bust size means nothing. Teach her what she needs to do to take care of herself and how to solve her problems.

With my daughter, we are trying to lay the foundation before she deals with the assaults on her self-esteem unnecessarily. At age 4, another girl told her that a certain boy no longer liked her because he found somebody else prettier. (I will withhold my comments on the way that little girl was being raised). My daughter is learning that her worth does not come from how she looks and it makes no difference what man she has on her arm. I also think though that it takes adulthood to gain the total perspective that we need.

Garsh, I am rambling tonight. I will finish the ramble by noting the most important we can teach our daughters is that the best way to instantly improve their appearance is to smile.

I really appreciate the responses as there is much valuable advice and know that I'm reading them, just don't have time to respond at times. Hard to type with a sleeping baby on you (without waking her), but I can still read.

OK golddust I think I understand what you're trying to say. Just not familiar with your writing style so I took it wrong.

OMG the sexual stuff is really out of control. No way no how I'd have done something like that. I'm hoping we can raise her to be self-assured and not feel the need to do things like that to fit in.

Got to go as I hear stirring in the crib and I need to get some breakfast before she wakes up.

Enrolling her in a tumbling class when she's a toddler and then a gymnastic's class as she gets a little older will do wonders for her self esteem. We did this with my husband's daughter and she gained so much confidence and made good friends with the other girls in her class that it was so worth every class.

A friend told the technique she was taught is when they come to you looking for praise to turn it around and ask them how they think they did. It teaches them to look inside themselves for affirmation instead of looking to others.

If you find the magic technique, let us know. There are a couple of books on Amazon that I've been thinking of buying (maybe I'll check with the library first in case they're not that great). One is "The A to Z Guide to Raising Happy, Confident Kids" and the other is "Raising Children Who Think for Themselves."

Most importantly, I think as a parent you need to work on the issues in yourself that you want your daughter to be better at because she will live by example. I think that's what they mean with they say our children make us better people--when you see yourself reflected in your child, you'll either be happy or cringe (unfortunately I've been doing more cringing than smiling lately). Seeing your own mannerisms, speech and personality reflected in your child is a huge incentive to make yourself a better person.

Good luck!

De

So many great ideas and insights!

Though I'm also raising boys, I remember how hard it was to be an adolescent girl! Like you, I was painfully shy in many respects (calling a friend) -- though not at all in others (public speaking, confident in my abilities). Here are a few things that either helped me, or seem to have worked well for my boys:

1 - Babies already come complete with their personalities intact. You can help shape them to some degree, but if she's introverted, I think she was probably born that way and it's part of her nature. And like someone said above, American culture doesn't seem to prize that. (Wrongly, if you ask me.) So if she does turn out to be an introvert by nature, I'd try to find a variety of ways to help her be comfortable with that and accepting of it. There's simply nothing wrong with being introverted, and helping her realize that might help.

2 - We all inherit a mixture of parts and traits from each of our parents, plus add a few that are uniquely our own. Some of those we'll like; others, we'll never like. The thing is, we can't switch out those parts -- they're a package deal. So we need to stop moaning about our 'thin lips' or 'frizzy hair' or 'fat thighs' and instead, evaluate the 'whole package' (and in a kind light). OK, I got my Dad's nose, but I also inherited his wicked sense of humor, and on the balance, that's not bad.

3 - Adolescence sucks. It's an awkward time for everybody. (Well, almost everybody. There are a few skinny beautiful popular girls, and a few good-looking athletic popular boys who screw it up for the rest of us.) But by and large, adolescence sucks for everybody, and the only good things about it are that it's nearly UNIVERSAL and that it's TEMPORARY! When my kids were little and we were watching cartoons, I'd sometimes point out the adolescent characters and how awkward they looked. Remember teenage Simba on the Lion King? I talked about how adolescence is a time when 'this part' grows faster than 'that part' and everything gets out of balance and awkward for a while... But then in a little while -- like with Simba -- the other parts catch up and everything comes together, and then Wow! The pinnacle of young adult health and beauty. There are so many examples of this happening all around us that it's not hard to find them for the kids. I think it was very helpful for my boys to know to expect that awkwardness, to know that everyone feels it, and to know that it would end.

4 - Daisy's advice about role-playing and dress-rehearsals was great if your kid will tolerate it. I have one who really, really benefits from it and one who can't stand it! But definitely worth a try. What can also help (surprisingly) is to role-play a 'beyond worst case' example: "Do you want to come over to play?" -- "No way! Eew! Play with you?!" -- Because obviously, this would never happen and your child knows it. Yet somehow, it's her secret fear, and getting it out in the open where she is the one ridiculing it can really help. That way she can practice a bright and unfazed "Well OK - maybe some other time!"

You'll do great Lyfia --
After all - look how you turned out ;-)

You love them, and you do the best you can, every day.

Well said, cooperbailey. As mothers I think we doubt ourselves every day. But if a child knows they are loved and has the security of someone to be their champion and a home for their "safe haven" they will do well. Trust your "gut" and keep the lines of communication open. You might not be her hero every day, but no one ever said being a GOOD mom was easy. Most of all, enjoy every day as a gift.

My daughter is 18 and just finished her first year of college. I'm not sure where the time went - through sleepless nights of teething, toddler struggles for independence, preteen tantrums and high school activities - but I know that it was all time well spent (tears and fears included) because she has blossomed into a beautiful, independent young woman. I wish you well.

Hi lyfia! and congratulations on your baby girl.
I have a 10yo dd. Both dh and I are introverts. I was painfully shy as a child. Neither of us had a lot of parental support growing up, and I think this is a major cause of our social insecurity.

My DD is probably the most extroverted person I've ever met. She will go up to anybody and strike up a conversation. She went on a sleepover with a group of girls she never met last week - no fears, she said "It's another chance to make new friends!" So, your daughter is not absolutely destined to be shy or insecure.

I didn't do anything special. I couldn't stand being cooped up in the house when she was tiny so we went to the park almost every day. I soon met lots of other moms (depite my shyness) and other kids her age. The going to the park and hanging out lasted for her first five years, by which time she had a large group of people she knew, and felt comfortable with the moms as well as the girls and boys.

At five she started school, and that went very well for the first couple of years. She loved her teachers and got along well with the other kids. But in second grade the whole alpha girl/wolf pack mentality kicked in and she just didn't understand what was going on. The playground can be a really cruel place. In addition, she was getting tons of homework that seemed downright silly and timewasting, so we decided to pull her out of school for a break and try homeschooling.

The homeschooling was my dh's idea. I felt dd was much to social to do it. As it turns out, the socializing she gets from homeschooling is far superior to that at school. DD has kept a couple of friends from school, some old buddies from the park days, and has scads of friends from dancing, science class, Girl Scouts, gymnastics, swim team, etc. - and is able to interact with them all without the kind of survival-of-the-nastiest mentality that comes when you put 50 kids of the same age onto a playground.

And the greatest thing about homeschooling is that you get to stay close to your kid. When she was at school I really felt like my role as a parent was being supplanted by teachers, school administration, and most of all, by other kids. Now we are just as close as when she was younger, and I think that bodes well for when she hits the adolescent years.

But I didn't mean to write an ode to homeschooling!

Really, my main thoughts are:
*Stay close to your daughter. There's no such thing as too many hugs and kisses.
*Don't compare her to other kids. Yes, other kids will talk sooner, walk sooner, be potty trained - whatever. Let her go at her own pace. They'll all walk and talk sooner or later.
*Take all parenting books with a grain (or a pound) of salt. In fact, I would minimize the reading of parenting books altogether. They make you paranoid.
*Get out of the house. Expose her to lots of other kids and adults.
*Let her be alone sometimes (as she gets older.) Let her learn to enjoy her own company.
*Have people over. Family, neighbors - the more people she meets the more she'll feel capable of dealing with.
*Don't worry about making mistakes. I sometimes think that my own concerns about dd - that she would be shy and extra-sensitive like her mama - actually helped her out. For example, I didn't want to leave her at kindergarten (the parents were allowed stay for the first day) until she finally said "I think this would be more fun if you went home." I guess what I'm saying is, let her be the one to decide when she is ready to fly solo, rather than pushing her out of the nest.

Okay, this has been way too long a break from work!
You are a great mom, and your daughter is going to be just fine.
Amy

I've been following this thread closely too. I have two girls (ages 7 and 9) and the sex in today's culture scares the bejeezus outta me. I don't want to raise them in a bubble and I'm trying to be realistic but on the other hand, I just want to keep them young as long as possible.

My best friend has kids in their 20's now and she always tells me that her best tip is to talk to them ALOT and ask questions. Instead of minimizing their feelings, she always asked why they feel that way. She always wanted their input and really made them search inside themselves to come up with their own solutions to problems.

I also agree with whoever said they come hardwired. You can encourage them in areas but their personalites are part of who they are. I have one child we adopted and one bio so I see the nature vs nurture phenomenon every day. What works for one child doesn't necessarily work for the other, that's for sure.

Another friend told me her grandmother's quote is "They grow up despite of you, not because of you"

Lindy