I know what you are talking about. Luckily, though, I have had a fear of my loved ones dying ever since I can remember. I know it sounds sick, and maybe it is, but all my life when I left someone I loved, I always kissed them goodbye like it was the last time I would see them alive. That's how much I worried about it. I guess it has been a blessing for me.
Yes, I see so many people griping over little things that don't amount to anything at all and I can't help but think that they must not have much to worry about. For the last six years, my heart has been heavy grieving for Christin and now my mom and I can't stand to hear petty complaining
and being around people who are materialistic and self absorbed. Never have. I try to tolerate it, though, and realize that they just "don't get it" YET.
Lu

Lu, your remarks about people who complain over the petty things are a frequent conversation between terri and i. we both feel so much that you should concentrate on the good things and then things that aggravate you, deal with them and move on. people who complain constantly makes me crazy. i want to stand and shout, DO You know How Lucky you are? i also make a habit of telling my loved ones i love them whenever we talk, or when i leave. how precious life is and we never know when that one time we see them may be the last one....

deb

I think I know what you mean - I generally think of it as having the proper perspective on life. I got a whole lot of it last September when my father (and best friend) passed away rather suddenly at the age of 65.

If you donÂt mind me changing direction a bit, what strikes me lately is how I seem to slip back into my old ways so easily. Yes, at a certain point I do start thinking that life is too short for all of this, but lately it seems like I am getting more and more deeply wrapped up into petty nonsense before that feeling kicks in. I am now actually starting to fear that in time my life will go on as if nothing ever happened  as if this event had no effect on me. Of course that fear has many origins, but this particular issue is a big part of it.

I just had a conversation with my mother this evening in which I wondered if perhaps we are too insulated from death in our culture to really appreciate life on a daily basis. In my first 37 years I had very little experience with the death of close friends or relatives, and when it did happen I was very insulated from it. Now I am wondering if that wasn't such a good thing.

Please excuse me if I am mixing too much into one thread or if there are other threads that are more on topic. I just found my way here from the tractor forum and it seemed so serendipitous that this particular thread was here today.

Greg

greg...thank you for writing..first of all i am sorry for the loss of your father...he was still a young man....i know what you mean...i sometimes feel desensitized to things anymore...and i still get petty about things at times but when i see people complaining about something ...like money or material things..it makes me angry because they dont realize how lucky they are ...not to have lost someone...i know it is unrealistic to think people should behave that way but you better belive that when i hear someone say things couldnt get any worse...well ive got news for them!!!!!glad you joined us ...hope you stick around...terri

Terri -

Thanks for your sympathies and for making me feel welcome.

I guess there are two sides to every coin. Right now I see at least one of them - the perspective on life that death can bring. However, I wonder if that is mutually exclusive with a sense of peace and well being. While I don't think it is a good idea to stick one's head in the sand, I suspect it wouldn't be healthy to dwell excessively on my father's death for the rest of my life. I guess there must be a healthy balance in there somewhere.

Right now I find myself alternately feeling that I'll never be the same again and fearing that I will be exactly the same again, then thinking that Dad would want me to be happy and enjoy life, but also thinking that to do so all of the time would somehow be wrong in some way.

I am just trying to find my way through all of this. I am sure my feelings and thoughts are often/usually very much like those of many others here (and everywhere), but they are new to me so I feel like I need to be somewhat careful about what I say. The last thing I want is to sound like I think I have some novel or authoritative perspective on all of this.

Greg

gary..the beauty of this forum is that you are free to express whatever you are feeling without judgement from anyone...like you probably already know grief is a roller coaster ride...so say what you feel comfortable with here....hopefully you will find some comfort..we are here to listen

Since the deaths of my grandparents in 1972, 1977, 1988 and 1996 I have learned to appreciate what I have. There's not really much I can add to that.

Welcome Gregg,

I also stumbled in here from the tractor forum. I found this site shortly after my Dad died last December. You have my sympathies on the loss of your father.

I know what you mean by fearing a return to life as normal. It's odd. On one hand, we crave that return to the way things were before our loss, but then when it starts to happen, we worry that somehow we are forgetting or minimizing our loss. Ultimately we have no choice. Longterm, we can't live with the intense emotions that we experienced right after the death. Our natural defense mechanisms compell us to return to normal routines. We argue, fret, worry and fuss over trivial things. But I've found that I also have a greater awareness and appreciation for life's small moments of pleasure. It's all part of the same package, I think, and we accept the good with the bad. Try to focus on the good and minimize the bad. You know how much your Dad meant to you and moving on doesn't detract from that in any way. Although I do admit, I've been telling myself that for 6 months and I'm still not sure I've completely convinced myself that I believe it.

Hi Bill. Thanks for your comments and your sympathies.

I can't find it right now, but I was reading another thread on this forum a week or two ago, and the question was when do things return to 'normal'. One response said something akin to; things don't return to normal, we just adjust to a new reality - a new definition of normal. Was that you? In any case, it was just what I needed to hear at the time. It seems _almost_ obvious to me now in some ways, but reading it really helped me get my head around some things at the time.

I have been hoping that something good might come out of all of this  like maybe I will have learned something important. Like you, I too have had a greater appreciation for life's small moments of pleasure and I have been thankful for it. However, I find myself increasingly slipping back into relative indifference to such things. Perhaps that extra appreciation is some sort of defense mechanism and it can't last, but I feel especially bad when I sense that extra appreciation is fading.

Greg

Terri, I feel so lucky that my last encounter with my father was a loving and personal moment. He was in his late 60's. I told him I loved him, and watched as he touched his handsome silvery wavy hair. He looked at me and said, "you're jealous, aren't you" in his gently humorous way, with a little smile. He really was my best friend and advocate for so many years. Greg and Bill, I found that life had to shift for me...it has sometimes been "normal", but it has not been the same. I often think about the fragility of life. I don't fear normalcy, because the definition has changed.