Karen I hope your dad is ok, my mom has a pacemaker, and don't know if you know or not, but about every 5 years the battery must be changed. My mom is on coumadin, and when the time was coming close for her battery to be changed, she stopped the coumadin, but her blood levels were too high at the time so they put the changing of the battery off. Last summer, the damn pacemaker actually was protruding through her skin, she developed an infection, and we had to take her to a cardiac thoraic surgeon about 40 miles from here. In one day they removed the pacemaker, and she was on high levels of antibiotics for a week, the next week they put in the new pacemaker and she has been ok since, with the exception of this past fall breaking her hip. Oh its been one hell of a year!!! She's due to be released from this past session of nursing home/rehabilitation soon. As for the crackhead, he is digging his own grave. Keep us posted on how your dad does. Alberta

I am so sorry for your loss. Its a little crazy to say those words to you because I thought I would flip out as people said that to me at the funeral home on the night of my Dad's viewing. People kept saying I am sorry for your loss... I finally said to someone, for Gods sake he isnt lost he's dead!I did quiet a bit of flipping out in the first few months after he died. It was sudden even though he was dying of lung cancer. One morning he woke up early as always and told my sister he wanted eggs for breakfast and she helped him get on the potty chair and then went to start his breakfast, she popped her head back in the living room a few seconds later to see if he was done on the potty and he was dead. His heart just stopped. I still talk to my Dad. I look at his pictures and I pour my heart out just like if he was in the room with me. I have a deep and abiding faith that there is an after life, that there is a spirit world where we are reunited with our loved ones. I was on chemo therapy when he died. I also was in college. I took a week off at first and since we were past spring break I did my best to finish up the semester. I only dropped one class. I wish I had not dropped the class. I tried to go back the next semester but even with a very light load it was emotionally too much. Its been two years since he died. I am planning to return to school in january 2010. You are not 'the man of the house'. You may be the only male or the oldest male but your Dad was the man of the house and its just too much preasure to on you. Be a great big brother to your sister, allow yourself to feel what you really feel. Let her see your grief when it comes. Remember the good times together and tell 'Dad' stories. Laugh as much as you can. My sister moved in with my Momma after Dad passed. She would rent really funny movies to show Momma. My Mom's favorite movie was 'white chicks'. Isn't that a hoot? This dignified (almost) 77 year old woman getting histerical over white chicks? It still cracks me up to remember it. Do things to celebrate his life. Plant a tree, or donate a bench to a park in his name. There are lots of things you can do on very little money to remember him. I planted a 'forgivness garden' right after we found out he was dying of cancer. I was told this by a friend from church: "Never forget that your Father is with his Father in heaven now. He is surronded my loving relatives who have waited a long time for his return." Your Dad is too. Hey, maybe they even know each other??? Try a grief support group. I still go to one sponcered by the hospice that took care of my both of my parents. God bless you, you will survive this. I promise. Heavenly Father will NEVER put more on you than you can bare up under. Keep posting on this site too. It helps. Vicki

I don't get to go on the internet too very ofter but am glad I found this sight. I have been trying to remember the good things without waking up the pain. It has been very difficult but I think it has worked a few times. I feel very guilty about not having been there his very last breath and see him there waiting to die. My Dad had an abdominal aortic aneurism. Last August he had a GI bleed. The doctors told him it was a small one but the next one was going to kill him and he didn't have long to live. My Dad wanted to go home and get his affairs ready and I hired someone to come in and help him as he had numerous medications to take and he was getting weaker because of the blood he lost. My Dad and I lived in separate cities and I have 3 smal kids at home. This one particular night I called him and asked him what he was doing and he said, "I just had Mr.? over from the funeral home and I picked out my coffin and arranged the music and the legionaire tribute and so on." I was mortified. My Dad was a strong man, he just wanted to die at home and when that happened he didn't want anything to fall in my hands to arrange. For the next few months I watched him die as he got more and more weak. He hated taking the pills so we decided if he just wanted to take his pain pills just to keep him comfortable that was all he had to take. The first of November I had to go to Toronto on business, I was in a meeting when my phone rang it was my Dad. He told me that he called the ambulance because he was vomiting blood andhe figured his time was up so he said he called to tell me he loved me and that I was his favorite and that he was very proud of me. I told him I was on the next flight out and he said he would try and hold on to see me one more time. I made it home to find him back home and drinking his cup of tea in his favorite chair. You see they did not have a bed for him and sent him home. Dad was on a waiting list to get into Paliative Care at the hospital. Dad was a veteran so it didn't take long once Dad had come to the conclusion that he would get better care there. From mid November to December when he passed away I had rec'd 9 calls that this was it and I better get to the hospital. Each time I would get there he would be sitting up talking or sleeping. The last week I was there Saturday night and we had spent time with Dad in the TV room and he said that my little brother was going to bring in Dad's dog the next day. We had a good visit. Sunday my little brother sat with Dad. Monday my Mom and my sister (no longer married to him and my sister was not his) went to see him and they said he had ate some fried chicken and had a great day up talking and making fun. Monday night I spoke to him on the phone and he said he had a good day and he loved me very much. I wasn't able to go down on Monday as my husband's grandmother had died over the weekend and we went to her funeral. Tuesday morning I got the call, I rushed down to see my Dad looking like death was on it's way. My step Mom had passed away in 2002 and she had the same look before she passed away. When I got to the hospital my 2 brothers had already got there. They said he had been out of it and was not responding to anything. I went in and sat down beside him and cried like a baby while I was holding his hand. He squeezed my hand a a couple tears rolled down his cheek, he knew I was there. I stayed all week in his room until Saturday, it was my daughter's birthday I had to go home I hadn't seen my kids all week. At 2:00am on Sunday I called and asked if my Dad was OK and they said he was the same and I told her to tell him I would be there first thing in the morning and to tell him I loved him. At 5:15am I got the call that my Dad had took his last breath. I hate to hear the phone ring in the middle of the night. I honestly think he waited until I was gone to die because he didn't want me seeing him like that. I now have a very big guilt that I was not there for him but am trying to put that feeling away I was there when he needed me most. He did not die alone though one of the nurses there was the daughter of a real good friend of my Dad's and she was there when he passed away. I went to my Dad's house after the funeral with my brothers and we packed up a lot of my Dad's things. I brought home his PJ's and his robe. After the funeral I felt so helpless, no more travelling to see Dad no more long distance phone calls, no more Dad. I was having a hard time sleeping, each night at 2am I would wake up and could not go back to sleep I was having a hard time breathing when I layed down so I had to get up. 2:00 was the time my Dad's funeral was. I was having anxiety attacks. Christmas Eve I was still having a hard time sleeping it was nearly 2 weeks since he passed away. I was up again at 2 so I got up and went down stairs and cried non stop. The kids got up at 8am it seemed like forever. My girls are so great and if it were not for them I think I would have probably curled up and died. The was a gift underneath the tree from my Dad, he had given it to me in November and I had forgotten all about it. When my youngest daughter found it with my name on it she passed it to me ever so gently as if it were a rare diamond. I always looked forward to opening my Dad's gifts because they were always so off the wall. This year it was a father and daughter figurine, it made me cry and my girls hugged me so hard. Over the years my Dad got me a meat slicer, a vacuum sealer, a set of wind chimes that were so loud that I remember one night going downstairs outside and throwing them on the ground. I loved his gifts because they were gifts that you would never go out and buy yourself. I would give anything to see his old hen scratching on a gift or card. The year I turned 40 and I didn't receive any flowers from my Dad the first in I don't know how many years. Anyways Christmas night I landed in the hospital the doctors gave me all the usual tests and couldn't find a reason for my shortness of breath and my chest pains. She asked me if I had a family history of heart problems and that is when I broke down in tears and could not stop crying she didn't know what to think until I told her about my Dad. She said that grief can do a lot of weird things to your body and mind. She told me nothing was physically wrong with me and gave me some anti depressants. I did not take them when I found out there was nothing physically wrong with me. That night I slept past 2am I awoke at 4:30am I was so excited that I broke the pattern. I suppose I have said enough tonight, thanksd for all your words of wisdom and thanks for letting me ramble. Take care to all and God bless.

Kelley, I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your father. I can't say I understand the pain you are going through (no one can because everyone's grief is different). And I haven't lost my father, But all I can say is that I am glad you were able to spend the last moments/seconds of his life with him & say goodbye. So many people don't get that opporunity. It is precious time. I held my little boy in my arms as he breathed his last breath & I am so grateful I had the chance to hold him & tell him how much I loved him as I had to say goodbye before he was taken away. As heartbreaking as it was (and how that 2 weeks in the hospital will live with me forever), I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. It was so hard for me to get out of bed for a long time after. And everyday when I look at the clock and it says 8:23am (the time he died). I relive that moment again. Just take each moment at a time & do what you can do to get through. As hard as it is to believe it right now, it will get easier to get through each day. I didn't believe it when everyone said it at first but it does get easier. I still have days that are worse than others but I also have more days where I can be happy & know my son is with me wherever I go & wouldn't want to see me sad. Keep in touch here..This place helped me right from the beginning. I was so glad to find it & glad you did too! Take care of yourself!