For those of you who have lost a spouse to any kind of cancer, there is a forum group called FACING AHEAD which I have found helpful, in addition to participating in a grief therapy group, reading numerous books about how to deal with the loss of a loved one, etc., staying busy, etc. Yes, it is terribly hard and I 'wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy' - but there it is and I know he would want me to go on living and not 'fall apart' s0 that is what I am trying very hard to do. I keep a sort of journal which is basically written specifically to him just telling him what is going on around me. He was my soul mate and just the right person to come along in my life at the time (we would have been married 29 years next week). I don't understand why I couldn't have had him in my life longer but maybe it is not for me to 'understand' but to simply 'accept' that part of my life is complete and it is time for me to move on, even though I don't want to move on without him. Carolyn (he died 2/13/09 of esophageal cancer after fighting it for almost 2 years))

I don't get to go on the internet too very ofter but am glad I found this sight. I have been trying to remember the good things without waking up the pain. It has been very difficult but I think it has worked a few times. I feel very guilty about not having been there his very last breath and see him there waiting to die. My Dad had an abdominal aortic aneurism. Last August he had a GI bleed. The doctors told him it was a small one but the next one was going to kill him and he didn't have long to live. My Dad wanted to go home and get his affairs ready and I hired someone to come in and help him as he had numerous medications to take and he was getting weaker because of the blood he lost. My Dad and I lived in separate cities and I have 3 smal kids at home. This one particular night I called him and asked him what he was doing and he said, "I just had Mr.? over from the funeral home and I picked out my coffin and arranged the music and the legionaire tribute and so on." I was mortified. My Dad was a strong man, he just wanted to die at home and when that happened he didn't want anything to fall in my hands to arrange. For the next few months I watched him die as he got more and more weak. He hated taking the pills so we decided if he just wanted to take his pain pills just to keep him comfortable that was all he had to take. The first of November I had to go to Toronto on business, I was in a meeting when my phone rang it was my Dad. He told me that he called the ambulance because he was vomiting blood andhe figured his time was up so he said he called to tell me he loved me and that I was his favorite and that he was very proud of me. I told him I was on the next flight out and he said he would try and hold on to see me one more time. I made it home to find him back home and drinking his cup of tea in his favorite chair. You see they did not have a bed for him and sent him home. Dad was on a waiting list to get into Paliative Care at the hospital. Dad was a veteran so it didn't take long once Dad had come to the conclusion that he would get better care there. From mid November to December when he passed away I had rec'd 9 calls that this was it and I better get to the hospital. Each time I would get there he would be sitting up talking or sleeping. The last week I was there Saturday night and we had spent time with Dad in the TV room and he said that my little brother was going to bring in Dad's dog the next day. We had a good visit. Sunday my little brother sat with Dad. Monday my Mom and my sister (no longer married to him and my sister was not his) went to see him and they said he had ate some fried chicken and had a great day up talking and making fun. Monday night I spoke to him on the phone and he said he had a good day and he loved me very much. I wasn't able to go down on Monday as my husband's grandmother had died over the weekend and we went to her funeral. Tuesday morning I got the call, I rushed down to see my Dad looking like death was on it's way. My step Mom had passed away in 2002 and she had the same look before she passed away. When I got to the hospital my 2 brothers had already got there. They said he had been out of it and was not responding to anything. I went in and sat down beside him and cried like a baby while I was holding his hand. He squeezed my hand a a couple tears rolled down his cheek, he knew I was there. I stayed all week in his room until Saturday, it was my daughter's birthday I had to go home I hadn't seen my kids all week. At 2:00am on Sunday I called and asked if my Dad was OK and they said he was the same and I told her to tell him I would be there first thing in the morning and to tell him I loved him. At 5:15am I got the call that my Dad had took his last breath. I hate to hear the phone ring in the middle of the night. I honestly think he waited until I was gone to die because he didn't want me seeing him like that. I now have a very big guilt that I was not there for him but am trying to put that feeling away I was there when he needed me most. He did not die alone though one of the nurses there was the daughter of a real good friend of my Dad's and she was there when he passed away. I went to my Dad's house after the funeral with my brothers and we packed up a lot of my Dad's things. I brought home his PJ's and his robe. After the funeral I felt so helpless, no more travelling to see Dad no more long distance phone calls, no more Dad. I was having a hard time sleeping, each night at 2am I would wake up and could not go back to sleep I was having a hard time breathing when I layed down so I had to get up. 2:00 was the time my Dad's funeral was. I was having anxiety attacks. Christmas Eve I was still having a hard time sleeping it was nearly 2 weeks since he passed away. I was up again at 2 so I got up and went down stairs and cried non stop. The kids got up at 8am it seemed like forever. My girls are so great and if it were not for them I think I would have probably curled up and died. The was a gift underneath the tree from my Dad, he had given it to me in November and I had forgotten all about it. When my youngest daughter found it with my name on it she passed it to me ever so gently as if it were a rare diamond. I always looked forward to opening my Dad's gifts because they were always so off the wall. This year it was a father and daughter figurine, it made me cry and my girls hugged me so hard. Over the years my Dad got me a meat slicer, a vacuum sealer, a set of wind chimes that were so loud that I remember one night going downstairs outside and throwing them on the ground. I loved his gifts because they were gifts that you would never go out and buy yourself. I would give anything to see his old hen scratching on a gift or card. The year I turned 40 and I didn't receive any flowers from my Dad the first in I don't know how many years. Anyways Christmas night I landed in the hospital the doctors gave me all the usual tests and couldn't find a reason for my shortness of breath and my chest pains. She asked me if I had a family history of heart problems and that is when I broke down in tears and could not stop crying she didn't know what to think until I told her about my Dad. She said that grief can do a lot of weird things to your body and mind. She told me nothing was physically wrong with me and gave me some anti depressants. I did not take them when I found out there was nothing physically wrong with me. That night I slept past 2am I awoke at 4:30am I was so excited that I broke the pattern. I suppose I have said enough tonight, thanksd for all your words of wisdom and thanks for letting me ramble. Take care to all and God bless.

Greetings bengardening, I offer my condolences on the loss of your dear father. We sometimes feel a bit like a boat cast adrift when one of the mainstays of our life ... ... makes that final departure. My Dad, who expected to die a couple of thousand miles from where he grew up and where he planned to be buried, had chosen cremation, as it was going to be easier to carry an urn of ashes ... ... but was killed instantly when he drove out in front of a truck, about four miles from where he'd grown up. Several people at the time told us how sad and sorry they were at our loss - he was in his mid-80s - but I said that, were we able to interview Dad at the moment, and ask him whether he had any complaints, he'd say that he hadn't, that everything was fine! And if Dad wasn't going to bi!ch ... how could I? He'd come down to visit old friends, and was busy doing what he enjoyed doing ... ... when he was taken. I called the trucker the next day (who was taking a few days off to recuperate) and said that I was sure that my brother and sister would want me to tell him how sad we were that our Dad had caused him so much pain. He said several times during our conversation how much he appreciated my call. May you and yours find peace in your hearts, coming out of these troublesome days. ole joyful

They lived next door. My Mom and my brother still do. My Dad was surrounded by the people he loved and who loved him. It hasn't been as tough on me as I thought it would be. This is something I have been very afraid of for many years. But I'm handling it well, and my Mom is doing real good. That might change after all the family has left. But for now I'll take the peace of knowing he is finally resting. I would like to thank everyone here for the kind words and the thoughts and prayers. We really appreciate it. I need to spend more time over here instead of on Facebook. It just didn't feel right to post this on FB, but it did here. I try to come over here at least every couple of days. So even if I don't post and you don't see me, I'm still here. I appreciate each and every one of you. And I can post now without feeling like I need to cry. Pooh Bear